Chapter 54
An Xuzhi tightly held the book in his hands, standing in front of the desk, the only sound in his ears being his own breathing. After a while, he heard a haunting voice, "Bai Yu."
It was Zhao Heng.
For a moment, he was at a loss, and he walked out with the book in silence.
Zhao Heng watched him silently as he walked towards the door with his head down, his eyes fixed on the dust on the ground, ignoring her standing in front of the door.
In that moment of seeing him, she also felt a sense of daze. However, she quickly regained her composure.
The prince rarely slept in so late, and even when he woke up, he wouldn't stay in bed. When she woke up, he was staring at her, his gaze strange.
Did he deliberately ask her to come to the study at this time to get a book?
Was Xiao Silang also brought here by him?
Zhao Heng stood nearby, and as he passed by her, she finally seemed to find her voice and reached out, grabbing his sleeve.
"Xiao Silang," Zhao Heng looked at his pale and handsome face.
His tone was calm and restrained, with a slight tremble in his voice, but he didn't forget their identities at this moment. "Aunt."
Zhao Heng didn't speak either, just blinked as she looked at him, a faint smile on her lips.
Xiao Silang had received a good education and wouldn't overstep his manners even in private. He still respectfully addressed her as Aunt.
As he looked up, his eyelashes trembled slightly, and a mist of tears seemed to cloud his eyes.
"Are you doing well recently?" Zhao Heng asked.
An Xuzhi looked up, meeting her gaze, his mouth opened but his throat was too dry, his eyes slightly reddened, and he struggled to speak. "Everything is fine."
Zhao Heng smiled, "I'm doing well too, even my old stomach ache has improved."
"That's good." An Xuzhi seemed like he would never smile again, never show her his bright and white teeth like before. Even if he grinned, his brows were furrowed.
"I'm sorry," Zhao Heng's voice choked up. "I never thought we would meet again, so I didn't even say goodbye to you."
At this moment, tears couldn't help but fall from his eyes, and when he looked at her again, the mist of tears blurred his vision, making it difficult for him to see her face clearly.
âAheng.â He spoke, lips trembling, "I'm sorry, I have let you down. I didn't take care of grandmother well, nor did I protect you. She was so old, I should have found her a couple of servants. It was my lack of foresight, I..."
His eyes seemed lost, appearing hollow in this rosy light, "The last time I saw her, she made me a lot of pancakes. Aheng, I'm sorry to her, and to you."
From the spring day when she saved the boy from the lake where the begonias bloomed, to the gallant man who adorned her with hairpins, her best years were closely related to him.
Countless coincidences and fates have pushed them to this situation today, unable to return to the passionate and innocent youth of the past.
They had to continue moving forward, Zhao Heng didn't want him to be trapped in the past anymore, and perhaps the crown prince felt the same.
Tears streamed down Zhao Heng's face, smiling at the corner of her lips, "It's not your fault, everything was accidental, no one can be blamed. Xiao Silang, you have done well. Without your care, she wouldn't have survived that heavy snow year."
"Aunt Lin told me, said you often visit the village, said you are a good person, said grandmother really liked you. Xiao Silang, in these five or six years, having you take care of and accompany grandmother was her blessing and also my luck."
An Xuzhi felt bitterness in his heart.
He held back the dry and blocked feeling in his throat, feeling as if her tears were hitting his heart like sharp knives.
"Xiao Silang, everyone has their own fate. Me and her... we are distant relatives, you don't need to feel guilty about this, and you don't need to worry about us anymore. Take care of yourself."
An Xuzhi looked at her with infinite tenderness, the two of them so close yet now separated by a great distance, farther than a thousand rivers and mountains.
"Okay." A word wrapped in a heavy sob.
For a moment, the air seemed to freeze.
"Aheng." An Xuzhi smiled through his tears, "Is he treating you well?"
"Yes, very well."
His heart was full of mixed emotions, he knew he was asking knowingly. The crown prince, like a clear breeze and bright moon, looking after everyone, how could he not cherish and treasure her.
That day in the snow garden when they met again, her eyes and brows shone with a brilliance he had never seen before, her tender care nurturing the plant she had saved, blossoming with fragrance.
He felt happy for her, Aheng's life had been too hard, he hoped she could live freely and easily. The crown prince was a rare good man in the world, a hundred times more excellent than him. With such a good home, he should be happy for her.
But why did his chest feel so sour and uncomfortable?
Why?
Why had he been so slow?
If he had sought the crown prince's permission to set her free from the beginning, would they be in this situation today?
If he hadn't left the capital, would they be in this situation today?
Where exactly had he gone wrong?
An Xuzhi closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to suppress the tears that welled up again, "That's good, having him by your side at that time, you weren't alone. That's good..."
"I met the crown prince while serving the Duke in the Duke's Mansion. When Lai Shan told me about grandmother's disappearance, I was at a loss and pleaded with him." Zhao Heng continued, "When grandmother passed away, I was in despair, so I asked the crown prince to keep me in the Eastern Palace."
He was a step too late, at that time he only thought of returning quickly to the capital, with achievements to his name, with enough confidence to propose to Zhao Heng.
A gust of fate blew them like sand, never to be the same as before.
He was wrong, completely wrong.
"Aheng..." An Xuzhi cried and smiled.
Zhao Heng watched him quietly, her heart twisted like a knife.
He must be feeling very bad, right?
It took her a long time to accept their separation, but he had no buffer at all, forced to face reality.
Too cruel.
She looked at An Xuzhi, her eyes clear from the tears, "There are so many good girls in the world, I hope you find a girl who truly makes you happy soon, to share warmth and coldness, and grow old together."
"Okay." An Xuzhi smiled, agreeing readily but not telling her that among the many good girls in the world, he only loved her.
From many years ago, until now.
Zhao Heng had been here long enough, she said, "The crown prince asked me to get the book for him, I should go back."
"Good," An Xuzhi said, stepping aside to let her pass.
Zhao Heng walked past him to the study, picked up the book Li Wenjian asked her to bring, and then walked out.
An Xuzhi didn't leave, standing in place watching her come out with the book, saying, "I'll watch you leave."
The rising dawn greeted them.
Zhao Heng looked at him for a moment before turning and walking towards the bedroom.
An Xuzhi stood under the bright red front gate, watching her graceful figure disappear under the eaves. His heart felt as if it had been hollowed out, leaving a bloody void.
Zhao Heng returned to the bedroom with the book, Li Wenjian was grooming by the basin, his slender fingers pulling out a white towel from the clear water. He caught sight of her coming in, she put the book by the pillow, then sat listlessly on the couch, flipping through the books on the side table.
Li Wenjian turned and walked towards the couch.
"Aheng." His voice was gentle.
Zhao Heng looked up, tears in her eyes but a smile in them.
"Is everything settled?" He remained gentle.
Zhao Heng turned her face away, trying to hold back the tears, forcing out a smile towards Li Wenjian, "Everything is settled, we also said goodbye."
Li Wenjian gently brushed his slender fingers over her nose, "You're smiling so ugly, didn't Xiao Silang make fun of you?"
Zhao Heng shook her head.
Li Wenjian's hand lightly pressed on the back of her head, bringing her closer, embracing her against his chest, "Cry, have one last cry, next time I'll have to get jealous."
Already feeling emotionally low, Zhao Heng couldn't help but tremble and cry at his words.
Crying for the tragic death of Grandma, also crying for the past that can never be returned.
Li Wenjian hugged her hand with strength, gently patting her back along her spine, like soothing a sobbing kitten.
After a long time, Zhao Heng slowly raised her face and looked at Li Wenjian.
Li Wenjian also stared at her, her eyes red, tears gathering at the corners, shimmering with a faint light.
It could be said that her tears made her look like a pear blossom in the rain.
Zhao Heng gradually stopped crying, raising her hand to wipe away the tears from her eyes. Suddenly, Li Wenjian grabbed her raised hand.
She blinked slowly, and the next moment, Li Wenjian leaned down, his lips lightly pressing against her wet eyelashes.
With a slight panting, his throat rolled as he kissed her eyes, drying the tears on the surface.
His gaze fell on her tear-filled eyes, as if admiring the masterpiece of his kiss.
Zhao Heng looked away, no longer looking at him.
"Alright," Li Wenjian gently lifted her hand, stroked her dark hair, and softly said, "The sun is shining today, let's go out for a walk."
Zhao Heng looked at him in surprise, her lips slightly parted, wanting to say something, but slowly pursed her lips, "Go out of the palace?"
He lightly touched the corner of her lips, wiping away the remaining tears, "Do you want to go out of the palace?"
Zhao Heng thought for a moment, nodding gently, "Yes."
"Then next time," Li Wenjian said, "It's too late today. I'll take you out next time. Go change your clothes first, we'll go to greet the Emperor and Empress. I'll wait for you outside."
Zhao Heng watched his retreating figure, a gentle smile appearing on her face.
The weather today was indeed very nice, with the warm sun shining brightly, making everything look like it was gilded. When Zhao Heng and Li Wenjian arrived at the inner palace, without prior notice, Li Wenjian led her delicately towards the inside. Just as they reached the outside of the sleeping hall, they heard what seemed to be Physician Xu's voice inside.
"This... doesn't seem very optimistic."
Li Wenjian paused in his steps, and Zhao Heng looked up at him, before she realized she was pinching his fingers.
He turned his head, seeing her slowly curve her lips towards him, "Let's go, Your Highness."
The Emperor lay on a soft couch, looking up at Li Wenjian leading Zhao Heng in. He set down his teacup, waiting for them to bow before he smiled faintly, "You've come?"
Zhao Heng responded, and when she raised her head, she found the Empress standing behind the curtain, staring blankly at the Emperor's back, displaying a vulnerability that was different from her usual self.
Zhao Heng's heart skipped a beat.
"The toxicity has spread to the lungs and the treatment can only slow down the spread of the poison," Physician Xu's voice came.
Li Wenjian sighed in response, "I see."
"There's nothing to fear," the Emperor propped himself up on the couch, the Empress hurriedly came forward, picking up a waist pillow to support his lower back.
The Emperor waved a hand towards Physician Xu, saying, "You may leave."
Physician Xu hesitated, looking at Li Wenjian, who nodded slightly, before bowing and backing out.
"Enough of standing there dumbfounded. Come over and play a game of chess."
The Empress turned and ordered the chessboard to be brought over, removing the table and setting up a small one instead.
Li Wenjian replied, picked up his robes and sat next to the Emperor on the soft couch, picking up a white piece from the chess box.
"Has Wei Wanyu been sent off?" The Emperor placed a white piece on the board, asking knowingly.
"Yes, the envoy group set off the day before yesterday," Li Wenjian replied casually, placing his piece on the board.
The Emperor glanced at the man sitting opposite him, whose features were strikingly similar to his younger self. He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, "Are you planning to intercept her with Yanchi, or with Yuchai?"
Li Wenjian raised his head, meeting his gaze, "Yuchai."
"Can't hide anything from Father."
"Hide from me?" The Emperor sighed, "We father and son are united, what would you hide from me? You, you're too soft-hearted."
"After all, she is Ah Zhan's only sister." Li Wenjian suddenly curled his lips, holding a chess piece in hand, "Moreover, intercepting her within Yuchai's territory, using it as a pretext for military action, is killing two birds with one stone."
The Emperor nodded in understanding, then chuckled and shook his head, "Very well, Yuchai has been showing off in the northern territories alongside Beirong for too long. It's time to show him our strength."
Li Wenjian smiled but remained silent.
The Emperor then placed another white piece on the chessboard, his gaze shifting to Zhao Heng, who was watching the game quietly.
Watching chess quietly takes away much of the pleasure, she must be feeling quite bored.
He turned and noticed a tambourine that Li Nanxi had left on the pillow, picking it up and handing it to Zhao Heng, "Go play with it."
Zhao Heng hesitated for a moment, then looked up at the Emperor.
His kind face wrinkled slightly, "I see Xiao Ba quite likes it. Don't you like it?"
Zhao Heng's lips curved slightly, taking the tambourine and holding it in her palm, "I like it."
Li Wenjian and Zhao Heng sat in the inner palace for a while, had lunch, and then began their journey back.
In the afternoon, the sun started to hide behind the clouds, bringing a hint of coolness when the wind blew. As they walked along the palace path, their shadows stretched long under the sun.
Zhao Heng felt a sense of heaviness in her heart. Was the Emperor really so critically ill now?
With the poison spreading to the lungs, the next step would be the heart.
During the years she worked as a medic, she learned some basic medical knowledge. When the poison reaches the heart, even the gods may not be able to save him.
She turned to look at Li Wenjian, seeing her own small and blurry reflection in his beautiful eyes.
Li Wenjian reached his hand out from behind her neck, gently embracing her shoulder, his voice calm and cool, "So fascinating? You've been peeking all the way."
Zhao Heng was still dazed, "The Emperor..."
Li Wenjian's expression unchanged, gently squeezed her slender shoulder, "Ah Hong, the Emperor is very ill."
"Perhaps one day, when I wake up, I will no longer have a father," Li Wenjian's voice sounded muffled.
"Is there really no solution for the physician?" Zhao Heng finally found her voice.
"No solution," Li Wenjian met her gaze, his features appearing somewhat haggard and fragile.
Zhao Heng noticed the faint shadows under his eyes, realizing that he must have been struggling to sleep these days.
"Your Highness."
Zhao Heng suddenly called out.
Li Wenjian turned his face to look at her steadily, his voice calm and gentle, "Ah Heng, do not pity me."
His hand slid down her waist, gently clasping her hand, intertwining their fingers, "Stay by my side."
This was already the second time the Crown Prince had held her hand like this. She blushed slightly, feeling a bit uneasy, walking hand in hand with him in broad daylight along the palace path, surrounded by countless passing courtiers. Yet her fingers remained stiff for a while, and she found herself not wanting to break free from his grasp.
Not only did she not want to pull away, but she also found herself somewhat longing for the warmth enveloped by his large hand.
However, the vast disparity in their statuses still left her uncertain of how to face it.
"Don't you want to?" He stubbornly rubbed her fingertips, their clothing lightly brushing against each other before separating, the friction making a rustling sound.
She stared at his gentle and clear eyes, as if under some enchantment, gently shaking her head, "I do."
In that moment, his eyes softened, and he smiled at her, "I will stay by your side as well."
There was a hint of deeper meaning in his tone.
When they returned to the Eastern Palace, the housekeeper reported that Physician Xu had arrived.
Li Wenjian nodded, taking Zhao Heng with him to the study.
Physician Xu respectfully bowed to them and then hesitated, casting a glance at Zhao Heng.
"Physician Xu, I would like to try the method you mentioned last time, using bone and blood in the medicine," Li Wenjian spoke calmly, not avoiding Zhao Heng.
Zhao Heng's face paled for a moment, tiny beads of sweat even forming on her forehead.
Physician Xu lowered his gaze, glancing at Li Wenjian's calm expression, "I am incompetent, Your Highness. I have reached my limits."
Li Wenjian remained silent.
Physician Xu spoke, "Your Highness, there are still two young princes in the palace...Which prince should I choose to be the Emperor's medicine man?"
"No need," Li Wenjian looked at him silently for a moment, "I will handle it personally."
Physician Xu's expression changed, "Your Highness is the treasure of the nation, how could I risk harm to Your Highness's precious life?"
Li Wenjian's tone was calm, "From this moment on, treat me as an ordinary son."
Casually adjusting his sleeves, Li Wenjian continued, "A son who is determined to save his father."
With the breeze brushing his bright yellow sleeves, he raised his gaze firmly at Physician Xu.
Zhao Heng sat beside them, her hand holding the pages trembling. Having experienced being a medic before, she knew how difficult it was.
Li Wenjian observed Zhao Heng's reaction, his brows furrowing. Before informing her of everything, he hesitated, as she had already endured so much and should not have to bear his anxieties.
However, he also believed that she should be aware of everything. They spent their days together, sleeping side by side, and she was so observant and sensitive that she could detect the slightest changes in him.
As she had said, since she would eventually find out, it was better to inform her early on instead of letting her guess anxiously all day.
Li Wenjian stood up and walked towards Zhao Heng. Standing by her side, he held her hand, "Ah Heng, I have simply made the same choice as you."
Zhao Heng looked up at him, a gentle smile tugging at her lips as she replied, "Yes."
However, she had no choice in the matter initially. Her grandmother had only her, and they were dependent on each other.
The Emperor had many sons, and it was not necessary for him to be the one.
She was puzzled, "Why does it have to be you?"
Li Wenjian embraced her waist, pulling her gently into his arms, and she leaned against him, "His sworn brothers have become my officials in the Eastern Palace, the empire he fought so hard to build is now in my hands, his paternal love has also been given to me. Father has given me all of his most precious possessions. Ah Heng, I cannot rush to the forefront when I want something, and push my brothers forward when it comes to saving his lives. That would be too shameful."
Zhao Heng smiled lightly, her voice soft, "Your Highness is a nobleman who would not do such a shameful thing."
She raised her face to look at him, "Being a medicine man is very difficult, Your Highness."
Li Wenjian gazed tenderly at her face, "Were you afraid back then?"
Zhao Heng remained silent for a moment before shaking her head, "Not afraid, I was just afraid of my grandmother's death."
Li Wenjian nodded and drew closer, placing a gentle kiss on Zhao Heng's forehead, "I feel the same way as you do now."
Zhao Heng smiled softly at him and placed her hand gently on top of his that was resting on her waist, "I will stay with you."
*
The Emperor sat half-reclined on a soft couch by the window, stretching his neck to gaze at the branches outside. The autumn wind rustled the leaves as they fell to the ground.
In a moment of reverie, he seemed to be transported back to years ago, hunting with Ayu. In the past, he could ride alongside her swiftly through the mountains and forests, but now his body was so weak that standing for long periods left him exhausted.
The white horse by the window, time passing swiftly.
He heard footsteps outside and turned, calling out to her with a smile, "Ayu."
The Empress closed the doors and walked gracefully to the couch, her gaze briefly falling on the paper on the small table, causing a slight pang in her eyes.
The paper displayed the tomb that he had personally designed for himself.
It pierced her gaze.
"Come and take a look," the Emperor beckoned, pointing to the tomb-shaped structure on the paper resembling a crescent, "This is where we will rest in the future, do you like it?"
The Empress picked up the paper and frowned, "Only one tomb?"
After death, wouldn't it be crowded with so many people living together?
The Emperor held her hand, inviting her to sit in front of him, and began explaining the layout of the tomb, "Here, I will have them plant the white magnolias that you love, and here, I want to build a canal, bringing water from this point to create an underground river passing through our tomb."
Tears welled up in the Empress's eyes, "Who builds a river in a tomb?"
"Then let's not build a river, but a small pond," the Emperor said.
The Empress chuckled, "Yes, a flooded underground pond, soaking the coffins until they rot."
Ignoring her playful jab, the Emperor remarked, "Rotting together, you in me, me in you, doesn't sound too bad."
"Who wants to rot with you?" the Empress quipped, taking a pen and circling another spot on the paper, "When I die, bury me here."
"Ayu doesn't want me anymore?" the Emperor smiled wryly.
The Empress sighed, "Just for some peace, be with Xiyuan and the others."
"Ayu."
The Emperor suddenly called her by her childhood name.
The Empress looked up, her eyes bearing the weight of years.
"In this lifetime, I owe you too much," he said, "I promised to spend a lifetime with only you, but I failed."
Turning to face him, the Empress replied, "Why bring up these old grievances? In the chaos of that time, it was for Xiyuan's family and to secure the Meishi's support in Jiangdong that I agreed to your proposal, arranged their marriages, and even provided the dowry myself. I have no regrets, never blaming you even for a moment."
He held her hand tightly, "But I blame myself, for being so incompetent, for having lofty ambitions and ending up in such dire straits."
"Don't say that," the Empress placed his hand on her cheek, pressing it gently, holding back tears as she said, "It was me who caught the attention of the tyrant emperor, almost being forcefully taken into the palace by him; it was me who insisted on marrying you, leading to my mother's death at the hands of the tyrant emperor; it was me who was heartbroken, urging you and your father to raise the rebellion flag; it was me who tirelessly worked to gather provisions to aid your cause... I understand, you walked this path for me. To this day, I have no regrets about our actions back then, as husband and wife, we need not speak of debts."
"Okay, no more talk of debts," the Emperor held the Empress's hand, lightly brushing his lips against her fingertips, his gaze deep and serious as he said, "There is one more thing."
The Empress looked at him quietly, signaling him to continue.
"I and Xie Jian, that night at the hot spring palace, I don't know what really happened," the Emperor said, "I distinctly recall planning to meet you at the hot spring palace."
He expected the Empress to be taken aback.
But to his surprise, she looked at him silently, even smiling slightly, and said slowly, "I know."
That day shortly after his coronation, he had gone to the hot spring palace to admire the snow, and the next day, ended up staying the night with a distant relative of the Empress, Xie's family girl.
In order to protect the girl's reputation, he made her a concubine, never telling anyone that he had originally intended to meet the Empress.
The Empress was deeply hurt by this incident.
Until one day, when he was drunk and held her hand, pouring out his thoughts - Why did you not come to see the snow that day?
Why did you push me into someone else's arms?
It finally dawned on her.