Chapter 49: Chapter 49

I need to be on a beach. Or at least somewhere that doesn’t have freezing temperatures outside.

Like always, I forgot my gloves when running out to the little market a block away from my studio apartment. I’m always forgetting my dang gloves, and now I’m paying for it as I rush back to my apartment as quickly as I can. This is what I get for trying to be healthy and grabbing groceries to make myself dinner instead of just ordering out.

The wind whips at my exposed cheeks as I rush down the sidewalk back to my apartment. It’s surprisingly busy for it being almost mid-February in New York. It’s frigid outside, and if it wasn’t for me trying to have a New Year’s resolution of learning to cook for myself more, I wouldn’t be out in the cold at all.

My plans for the night were to eat some dinner, look over some final details for an exciting announcement I’ll be posting soon, and maybe torture myself by watching the Super Bowl event coverage in Miami.

I haven’t told anyone, but I’ve secretly become a football fan throughout the duration of this season. Or maybe it’s that I became a masochist. Either way, I’ve watched every one of Preston’s games I’ve been able to.

Watching him win in overtime to make it to the Super Bowl was probably the most thrilling—but exhausting—moment of my life. I couldn’t be prouder that the Mambas are one game away from having a Cinderella season. Preston deserves to have his last season be so perfect, and I’m just a ball of nerves for the actual game tomorrow night.

And I just miss Preston.

With a sigh, I shake my head and close the distance to the entrance to my apartment building. The doorman opens the door for me, holding it as I rush inside with my groceries.

“Good evening,” he says, his cheeks pink from the cold. I feel bad he’s having to be out in it, but at least he’s not out in it unless someone’s wanting to get in.

“H-i-i—” I smile through my chattering teeth. I shake my body, trying to get the blood moving now that I’m in the warmth of the apartment building. My arms tremble with the weight of the grocery bags as I walk toward the elevator.

A figure standing by the elevators catches my attention. I stop, forgetting all about the heavy weight of the bags in my hands.

“Gram?”

She jumps, the shocked tone of my voice taking her by surprise as she turns to face me. It’s definitely Gram, Preston and Peyton’s grandmother, although I have no idea why she’s here.

“Good lord, dear, how long were you going to make an old lady wait in the cold for you?”

My mouth hangs open as I take her in. She wears a massive parka in a dark shade of brown with a faux fur hat pulled over her gray hair. I let out a little sigh, just now realizing how much I missed the woman standing in front of me.

“Are you frozen? Take me up to your apartment so we can warm up.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask. I want to give her a hug, but my hands are too full to do anything. I shuffle my feet awkwardly to the elevator, pressing the button with my elbow as I keep looking over at Gram to see if she’s real or not.

Maybe I’m hallucinating. Can you do that when you’re too cold? Am I hypothermic?

The elevator bell rings, but I’m too busy opening and shutting my eyes to check if I’m seeing things to get in.

Gram’s eyebrows rise to her gray hairline. She waves her hands in the air. “Are you going to get in or just gawk at me?”

I jump, turning around and scurrying into the elevator before she can give me a lecture. The doors close. “Can you press floor sixteen?” I ask, my hands full and the button too low for me to get with my elbow.

Gram listens before crossing her arms over her chest. The elevator rises, and it’s quiet for a moment as we wait for it to reach my floor. I stare at Gram, a little dumbfounded, wondering why she’s here.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, my mind racing with the worst possibilities of why she’d come to visit me. I doubt this part of Manhattan is somewhere Gram visits frequently enough for her to just pop by. Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know how she found out where I live to begin with. I just took over the lease a month ago, and I’ve agreed to only pay monthly as I figure out what I want to do next.

“We’ll talk more when we get inside. I can barely see you over the bags of food. Are you feeding an army tonight?”

I laugh, looking down at the bags. I’d gone a little overboard with buying food, but it was one of those store visits when nothing sounded good, so actually, everything sounded like a good idea to put in the basket just in case. “No. No army tonight. Just me.” And I guess maybe Gram, depending on the reason for her surprise visit.

Before I can ask any more questions, we’re on my floor, and the elevator doors are opening.

“This way,” I tell Gram, stepping out and walking down the hallway to my studio apartment at the very end. It’s not the most luxurious space, but it’s mine, and I’m proud of it. Aunt V and I spent a weekend together touring apartments a few weeks ago.

I was sad to come back to New York and leave her, but it was time.

As I stop in front of the door, trying to line up my pocket with the card reader on the door so it’ll unlock, I can’t help but hope Gram sees the potential for the space the same way I did. I want her to like it, even though I know I’m sure she’s used to far nicer places here in the city.

I manage to get the door unlocked and open. Gram follows me into the space as I place both bags of food on the small island.

“Are you hungry at all?” I ask her, the both of us working on removing our coats.

She shakes her head, pulling her hat off and running her fingers through her short, gray hair. “No, dear. I would love to sit down and talk with you, though. You can put the groceries away first. I’ll take a look around.”

I smile, my eyes traveling over the space. There isn’t a ton of room to look around since it’s a studio apartment, but I don’t mention anything about that. I rush to get the groceries sorted, my stomach in knots from whatever Gram wants to discuss. Once all the food is put away, I basically leap toward the small leather chair opposite hers in my tiny living space, ready to hear whatever she has to say.

“Is everything okay?” I ask again, my heart racing. What if something happened to Preston or Peyton? I hope nothing’s wrong with the family.

Gram nods, spreading her arms wide and motioning for a hug. “Yes. I’ll explain, Emma, I promise. First, give me a hug. It’s been too long since I’ve seen you.”

I gladly lean forward and pull her small frame into my arms. She smells exactly the same as she did over the summer. I didn’t realize how much I missed it—how much I missed her.

“It’s so good to see you, dear,” Gram comments next to my ear. She pats my hair for a second before pulling away, a wide smile on her face. “It took me by surprise when Preston told the family the two of you went your separate ways. I thought I’d be seeing you at his games and over the holidays.”

I nod, feeling incredibly guilty. It’s not that I didn’t want to be at his games or even spend the holidays with his family. I know all of that would’ve been the best time, but I needed the time and space to figure myself out and complete what I set out to do when I left for the Hamptons in the first place—find and fall in love with myself.

“It’s good to see you too, Gram,” I manage to get out through a clogged throat. “I missed you terribly.”

Gram smiles before leaning back in the chair. Part of me wonders if I should’ve asked her if she wanted tea or something sophisticated. Unfortunately, my New Year’s resolution doesn’t include making my own coffee, so I have nothing besides water and energy drinks stocked in my apartment.

“Shall we get right to it?” Gram offers with a shrug.

I nod, my pulse spiking with anticipation. “Please tell me Preston’s okay,” I rush to get out. Last I saw, he was safe in Miami doing press for Super Bowl week. Did he get injured at practice? Oh god, what if he’s hurt and can’t play?

Gram clicks her tongue for a moment. “That’s the exact reason I’m here, dear.”

My stomach drops. What if something did happen? Before I can panic and ask her what happened, she holds her hands up to speak. “Physically, he’s fine. He’s focused on winning this game. But emotionally, lately, he’s…”

“He’s what?”

“He misses you, and I just wanted to come talk to you about what happened. I wouldn’t be a grandmother if I didn’t meddle a little bit in his personal life.”

I swallow. I didn’t know what to expect when I saw Gram waiting for me in my apartment lobby, but I wouldn’t have guessed that she was here to meddle in Preston’s and my relationship.

Apparently, I don’t respond to her fast enough because she keeps going. “Did you know that right after my late husband and I got married, I ran away for a week?”

My head cocks to the side. “No, I didn’t.” The only things I learned about Gram and Joseph were the things she shared with me and the small snippets of memories Preston told me about. But Gram’s words take me by surprise because I wasn’t expecting her to be the kind of person to run away.

“Well, I did. One morning, I woke up and realized I felt like I blinked and my entire life had changed. It didn’t feel bad, but it felt sudden. I didn’t feel like myself. So I left Joseph a note that I’d be back, and I caught the first bus out of the city.”

I lean forward, entranced by Gram’s words. “Where did you go? And why did you go?”

“I stopped at one little city after another. I couldn’t tell you the names of most of them. Where I was didn’t matter—it’s that in that week to myself I embraced the changes of my life. I embraced the uncomfortableness of the unknown, and within that, I realized I’d never known myself more.”

I mull over her words for a moment, a little shocked by the confession. “What happened when you got back home?”

“Joseph was waiting for me at the bus station. He pulled me off the bus and into his arms. I started crying from how much I missed him and how guilty I felt for feeling the need to leave in the first place. He didn’t let me get the words out. I still remember it clear as day to this day, sweet girl. Joseph grabbed my face in his hands and looked me right in the eye when he told me he’d always give me all the time in the world, that he’d wait for me. I never wanted to be a wife, not really. I wanted to spend my days wrapped up in a book and pretend the real world didn’t exist. I was scared by how much I loved him and was scared after we married so quickly. But I don’t regret a thing. If I could go back, I would’ve married him sooner because that man loved me even when I was messy and indecisive. In fact, I think he loved me because of those things.”

My eyes burn with unshed tears. I knew there was a reason that the moment I met Gram, it felt like we connected. Now, I feel it even more because her journey and my journey are far more similar than I could’ve ever expected.

“Why are you telling me this?” I croak, wiping under my eyes. I still have a face full of makeup on from filming content earlier, so I’m sure there are black smudges under my eyes that I’m only making worse by wiping.

“Because I understand you, dear. I was you. And I know true love when I see it, and I can tell you my grandson loves you despite anything you don’t love about yourself.”

Tears stream down my face at this point. “You don’t know that. I mean, he nev⁠—”

Gram swats at the air between us dismissively. “I knew my boy was falling for you in the Hamptons, and still loves you to this day. The same way I knew that the story you two fed the family was bullshit. You two had just met and, for reasons I’m not sure of, were telling the world you’d been dating.”

I stare at Gram with my mouth hanging wide open. I don’t know if I’m more surprised she said the word “bullshit” or the fact she knew Preston and I were lying. “What?” I get out, pausing for a moment to think about how she could know. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie.

Gram rolls her eyes. “Spare me the lies, darling. I could see right through your story.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I whisper. If she knew the entire time, she was really good at pretending she didn’t. She seemed invested in getting to know the story behind me and Preston.

Gram folds her hands in her lap and smiles knowingly at me. “Because I could still see Preston was crazy about you, even from the very beginning. I’d never seen anyone bring him out of his shell the way you did. It didn’t matter to me if you two had known each other for years or just met; all I knew was my boy was happy, and because of that, I minded my own business for once in my life.”

All of the interactions I had with Gram that first week and even in the months after Peyton’s wedding run through my mind. I feel a little silly about all the times we talked about our first dates and how we met in front of her, now knowing she saw right through all of it.

“Do you love him?” Gram asks, pulling me from my thoughts. I can barely keep up with her going from one subject to the next. I’m still recovering from her dropping the fact she knew about us, and the tiny tidbit she shared about believing Preston loved me, to even analyze my feelings.

Luckily, I’ve had plenty of time and space to think about how I feel about Preston. The answer I give her is easy and honest. “I do.”

“Then why aren’t the two of you together anymore?”

I look at the ceiling as I try to prevent more tears from falling. A lump forms in my throat as all of my fears and insecurities bubble to the surface. I can’t even look at Gram as I answer her. “Because when I met Preston and fell for him, I didn’t love how I felt about the mess that was my life. I pretended to, but at the end of the day, I didn’t. My summer was supposed to be full of adventure and doing just that. I’ve realized in my time since the summer that it wasn’t about getting my life perfectly together; it was about getting my life together enough to feel good about who I was. I needed to love myself and who I was becoming, the messy parts included. Instead, I let myself get lost in Preston. I fell in love with him before ever feeling that way about me. I knew, deep down, loving him before ever loving me and where I was at in my life on my own wasn’t fair to either one of us if we wanted a relationship that’d last.”

“What about now? How do you feel?”

I meet her gaze. My eyes sting from the tears forming, and at this point, there’s no use in me fighting them. I let her see me cry. “Now, I feel good,” I admit. “On some days, it’s hard when I compare my life to others. I’m just finally starting to find a career I love, and one I hope I can do long-term. My friends already have established careers and families, and sometimes, on an off day, I find myself comparing my journey to theirs. But I quickly snap out of it and realize it’s okay to be in a different place. I can appreciate the fact that I don’t have my life together, and that’s okay. I love that I don’t take life seriously and can laugh at the embarrassing things I’ll inevitably do. I’ve realized it’s okay to feel a little lost in life. Most importantly, I’ve learned to love exactly where I’m at in life on the good days and the bad days.”

Gram stares at me for a moment, her lips barely turning up with a smile. I shift in my seat under her stare, wondering if anything I just said made sense. “I think that’s the bravest thing someone could do, dear. It’s incredible you were aware enough to know you needed time by yourself first before loving somebody else. Be proud of the decisions you made. It was okay to put yourself first before jumping headfirst into falling in love.”

I close my eyes as her words hit something deep inside me. I’ve always been someone who embraced not having my life together. I didn’t mind being a mess. It was fun to joke about meeting a rich man and having him fall in love with me. I loved to make inappropriate jokes and to be spontaneous in following my friends from one end of the country to the next. But eventually, all the reasons I thought it was fun to be carefree became the things I started to dislike about myself. Since this summer, I’ve learned to embrace not having all of the answers. I’ve finally got to a place where I feel good where I’m at, even if I still have a lot of growing to do.

With a small gasp, I meet Gram’s eyes as I push out of the chair. “I’ve got to get to Preston.”

Gram smiles, her hands clapping together. “Finally,” she says dramatically.

“I’ve got to book a flight.” My mind races, trying to remember where I’d stuffed my suitcase, and what I’ll even pack to begin with to get to Miami in time to see Preston.

Gram lets out a huff, getting out of the chair slowly. “Nonsense. The charter plane is already booked and waiting for us at the airport.”

“Really?”

Gram nods. “Now, let’s go, darling. Get your bags packed, and let’s go get your man!”

I laugh, shaking my head as I dart to my bedroom corner. Gram’s right. I’m tired of thinking things need to be perfect or that I need to be perfect. I still have a lot to figure out, but one thing I’m confident about now is I don’t want to do any of it without Preston anymore.