**Trigger Warning for violence against women and homophobia.**
Cassies eyes haunted me all week, whenever I closed my eyes there they were. School was a nice distraction for a while but I felt like the universe was against me. For whatever reason I spotted Cassie around my classrooms every time I left. On Monday she was actually waiting outside my English classroom when class let out and walked with me to my last class of the day. I was still wearing the sling to make sure I would be good to go for practice Tuesday. Cassie told me about her first class of the day while I tried not to focus on how good she looked. After my last class of the day I went back to the dorm and basically hid out in my room all night.
Tuesday there was no way to avoid her as we had Psych together mid-morning. Once class was over, I rushed off to the rink as I brought everything I needed for practice with me to avoid walking back to the dorm with Cassie. Much to my displeasure once I got to the rink, Coach didn't want me practicing. I put up a fight and he finally allowed me to skate with the team but once they started drills, I was off the ice and on the bench to watch.
I was disappointed but listened to him. It sucked having to sit on the bench and watch the team play without me. I tried to not let it get to me and helped out in a drill by throwing pucks onto the ice towards the end of the session.
After all the team left for the rest of their day, the girls I coach started to arrive for their lesson. Two additional girls are joining the group today which rounds them out to five. I will most likely keep it at five to be able to give them all the attention they need to improve on the ice. Once everyone was suited up I met them on the ice and we had a light day together. We worked on conditioning since I couldn't really use a stick.
When the last of the girls were picked up by their parents, I made my way off the ice to the front of the rink and picked up a shift to work public skate tonight. I was on skate rental duty which wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. When my shift finally ended I picked myself up something for dinner at the market and went back to the dorm. Cassie was sitting on the couch with a friend I didn't recognize when I walked in so I just turned in for the night.
By Wednesday my shoulder was starting to feel a lot better. After Cassie patched me up Sunday night, I stopped using the icy hot patches. I didn't want to become dependent on them so I just stuck to heating pad after that. When I left my second class of the day Cassie was once again waiting for me outside and she looked kind of shocked.
"You aren't wearing the sling?" She asked as I started to make my way down the hall.
"Yea, the aching finally started to ease up so I thought I could leave it in my room. The team trainer will look me over tomorrow at practice and I'll go from there." I answered.
Cassie didn't say anything else as I walked her to her second class of the day. When I turned to leave her at the door it looked like she was going to say something to me. I paused in my turn and gave her the chance to speak but she just closed her jaw and walked into the classroom.
After my classes were over I went to work. Today I was on rink guard duty for the public skate session. I was happy to have Travis' roommate Elliot as my partner for the night. There are two public skate sessions tonight and we had guard duty for the first. I got to know him a little better and it put me at ease to know Travis is rooming with a genuine nice guy. After the first session was over we moved onto working the front door and it made me wish to be back on the ice. When my shift was over I made my way to the hockey house and got to see Travis for the first time since coming home. We ended up getting dinner together and just caught up on our first games.
On Thursday once I got to practice, Marissa checked me over and cleared me to return to full contact on the ice. Coach didn't push us too hard with practice and gave us all the information we needed for our first home games of the season. When he released us, my kids were already waiting to get on the ice with me. A few of my teammates actually hung around and we played a few mini games with them. With a bit more of my coaching I know these girls will do so well on their teams.
When Friday finally came around I was ready for my rest day. I had a good amount of homework to do and my second session with Dr. Nelson Ellis. When I left my room that morning I was surprised to find that Cassie was gone. She left a note to say she went home today and will be back for my first home game tomorrow.
I tried to push that from my mind and walked to Dr. Ellis' office. When I got there I found his office door to be open already so I just walked in and found him sitting on his couch reading through what looks like a magazine. Blurry by Puddle of Mudd was playing in the background as Nelson looked up from the magazine and saw me. He jumped a little bit when he saw me and I chuckled. Clearly he wasn't paying attention to anything other then magazine.
"Good morning McKenna, come in, have a seat. Just give me a second to get myself together." Nelson said and stood from his seat and went over to his desk.
I sat down on the couch opposite from him and watched him collect a few things before taking a seat across from me again.
"I saw your games this weekend, congrats on the two wins, how'd they feel?" Nelson asked and opened his file folder and another notebook.
"The wins were great, the hits I took weren't. Hoping not to get drilled like that again for a while." I said just thinking about the soreness in my lower back.
"I saw those to; they didn't look pleasant." Nelson said.
"They definitely weren't." I said.
Nelson and I chatted about the game for a bit longer. He asked me a lot about my chemistry with Becca and Toni and how it is working well for all of us so far this season. Then it lead into me talking about Travis and what's going on with him and his team. I felt bad that I've had all this succuss with my team already but Travis hasn't yet. Nelson talked me through ways to work through those guilty feelings and it helped me feel a bit lighter after I spoke about it.
After we wrapped up talking about Travis, Nelson looked a bit concerned. He kept running his hand through his hair and moving around. When I called him out on it he sighed and pulled out a few pieces of paper.
"Your mom sent this to coach Decker earlier in the week and Jonah gave her my phone number and we spoke about it for a while." Nelson said and handed me the papers.
Written on top of the paper is 'Order of Protection' and my blood ran cold. I didn't know what to say. The one thing that went through my mind is that there is no temporary in front of order.
"It was finalized?" I asked when I found my voice.
"Yes, the judge signed off on it last week, your mom wanted you to have a copy as he is out on parole now. Though he is being tracked electronically, she wanted you to have a copy just in case. I have also forwarded a copy of this order to the campus security so they are aware. You can read the fine details on your own time but just know that the judge would not release him unless the order was finalized." Nelson said as my hands started to shake.
"He's back in Boston though right?" I asked put the copy of the order down on the table. I clenched my hands into fists to try and stop them from shaking.
"He is. If something happens in Boston, I'm on a list of people to call. I'm sure if something happens, your mother will give you a call." Nelson added.
Nelson continued talking but I couldn't hear anything he was saying. My mind just kept going back to that night and I knew it was going to lead to a panic attack and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.
Travis and I were just getting back to his house after a long weekend on the road for our travel team. We split the games between our rivals and I was happy to be home to relax. When it comes to road games I usually get a ride with Travis as mom works most weekends as a nurse.
"Pride is this weekend, are you going this year?" Travis asked as we started to unload his moms car.
"Yea mom was able to get the weekend off and she has all these plans for us. I'm really excited to get to spend the weekend with her." I said and took my hockey bag from him.
"I bet. Any word from him?" Travis asked and closed the trunk.
"No, it's better off that way. No contact is the best contact." I said and grabbed my sticks.
"Mac, isn't that his truck?" Travis asked and nodded down the street. I turned from my best friend and looked down the street to find my father's truck parked half on the sidewalk.
"Shit, yes it is. Uhm I'm going to go, can you keep an ear out if things start to get out of hand?" I asked and started to make my way home without waiting for an answer.
"Go, I'll call my dad." I heard Travis say as I made my way down the block.
As I got closer to my house I could hear the yelling from outside. This isn't going to be good. I dropped my bag and sticks on the lawn as I rushed up the stairs through the front door. My mom is backed into the corner with my father standing right in her face. I didn't know what to do. He has hit my mom before and I didn't know what to do right now to stop him. That's when I noticed her cheek has a red hand print on it and her lip is busted up and bleeding.
"McKenna go back to Travis' house" Mom called out from the corner, her eyes not leaving my father. That's when I realized she was scared. Even though this has happened before, him yelling and throwing a fit, and the few times he has raised his hand, this was the first time I have ever seen her look so scared of him.
"Oh good, the fag is home." My father turned around and took his attention off my mom to me.
That's when I noticed that he had my pride flag in his hand. The rainbow flag that is always folded neatly in the back of my closet because I knew how conservate my father is. The flag that only get's taken out once a year for pride weekend in Boston before it gets folded back up and hidden. Even though my parents are in the middle of a messy divorce and my father has his own apartment, I thought it would still be better to hide the flag. The last thing either of us wanted was for him to find it, but it looks like he has somehow.
"You have no right talking to her like that!" My mom roared and put herself in between my father and myself.
"I can talk to her however I damn well please!" My father yelled and pushed my mother back into the wall. The force was enough for the sheetrock to crack under pressure, dust flying everywhere.
"You need to leave PJ." Mom said as she caught her breath, trying to keep calm to defuse the situation.
"Like hell I will. You want me to keep paying for this house and keep giving you my hard earned money to support this fag? That's going to end today." My father said.
Things were about to get worse, and I had enough. I pushed past my mom and shoved my father in the chest and because he wasn't expecting it, my father stumbled back.
"Stop calling me a fag!" I yelled at him.
"No daughter of mine is a homo!" He yelled back and started to come at me. I didn't have a lot of time to try and defend myself with how quickly he came up on me. I managed to block his hand as he came up to smack me but missed the shove.
It was hard enough to send me flying backwards, my shoe got stuck on the corner of the rug and it twisted me sideways, head first into the corner of the coffee table. I must have black out on contact because the next thing I knew my parents were fighting each other. When I thought I would be able to get up, the front door opened and in rushed Travis' dad Malcolm and a few other Boston police officers. Now that I knew help was here, I tried to put push myself up but my head was so heavy and I couldn't move.
Once they got my father out of the house my mom pushed Malcolm away and rushed over to me. The world was still spinning and I couldn't really hear what she was saying as my ears were ringing. I only caught a few words as medics rushed into the living room and started to put me on a stretcher and removed me from the house. The last thing I saw before the doors of the ambulance shut was Malcolm in his police uniform holding my mom up. A little piece of me thought that this might be the last thing I would ever see.
When I woke up in the hospital I had a serve concussion and a few stitches in my temple from where my head connected with the edge of the coffee table. Malcolm took my statement and my mom was finally allowed into my room. She took a few hits herself and I just wrapped myself in her arms. In the next couple of months we came to find out that this concussion was so bad basic life functions were a struggle for me.
The nightmare faded from my mind and I noticed that Nelson moved couches and was now sitting next to me. It took me a few minutes to calm down from my panic and once the attack subsided I wanted to run as far away from here as I could. Nelson helped ground me to reality and made my stay with for a while after my panic attack.
When Nelson thought that I wasn't going to dissolve into another, he called Travis for me to come pick me up. Travis came down right away and spoke to Nelson for a few minutes before we left the office. We walked out of the building and once I got outside I stood close to the building for a few minutes to catch my breath.
"Hey, you're okay. I know my dad will be on top of everything back home to make sure your mom is safe." Travis said as I held onto his hand. I couldn't speak as I was too afraid I would break down again.
Once I got myself together I squeezed his hand and let him lead me back to my dorm room. On the walk over Travis didn't let go of my hand. Every now and then he would give it a squeeze to remind me he was there with me on the walk. I tried to stay calm but the closer we got to my dorm the more paranoid I became.
Just as we got back to the dorm building I could feel another panic attack start to build as I fumbled around for my keycard. I tried to get Travis to go back to his dorm but he wouldn't listen. After I finally made it into my dorm I rushed into my room and grabbed my duffle bags and started to pack up my clothes.
"McKenna, what are you doing?" Travis asked as he followed me inside.
"Coming here was a mistake Travis, I need to go home." I said pushing past him to go back and forth between my closet and the duffle bag on my bed.
"No it wasn't McKenna; you need to be here. Your mom can handle herself, she isn't alone in this anymore. She even has the restraining order." Travis said and held up the papers.
"It's a fucken piece of paper Travis, it didn't stop him last time! He still got into the house, he hit her Travis, he fucken hurt her! What happens if he shows up drunk again and I'm not there Travis! He could kill her!" I said with tears pouring out of my eyes.
"McKenna" That wasn't Travis. I turned from my bed and saw Cassie standing in the doorway of my room.
"I can't deal with this right now, I need to go home." I said and turned my attention back to packing.
"McKenna stop" Travis said and came up behind me.
He pulled me into a bear hug and I tried to fight him off of me. Travis held me tight against him as I continued to try and push myself out of his hold but it didn't work. I finally collapsed. He brought me down to the ground as I continued crying. Travis held me tight in his arms and rocked me back and forth to try and calm me down. I don't know how long we were sitting like this before I heard my moms voice. When I looked up from my lap Cassie was sitting in front of me with my mom on facetime.
"McKenna look at me." Mom said sternly. I tried to stop crying, to be strong for her like I have so many times before but I couldn't. Seeing her face on the phone opened another floodgate of tears.
"McKenna I'm fine. Look. I'm staying with Dawn and Malcolm in their basement apartment. Frank is with me. Malcolm also put cameras up around and inside the house so if he comes around we will know he broke his parole and Malcolm will personal go find him and take him back to jail. I'm fine McKenna." Mom said and showed me around the basement apartment I knew all too well. Before she put the camera back on herself she had our dog Frank come into view and I felt myself softening.
"I can protect you, I need to protect you, I don't know if I can stay here with you at home knowing he is out in the community mom." I said brokenly through my tears trying to calm down.
"It's my job to protect you McKenna, you being in Wisconsin is the best thing for us right now. The farther away from Boston the better. It's my time to protect you McKenna like I should have been doing a long time ago. Your coach knows about this and so does Doctor Ellis along with campus security and Malcolm personally spoke with the police department there and gave them a copy of the restraining order so they have it on file.
"Don't let him ruin this for you. You fought so hard when recovering from the concussion to get back to the way you play and you aren't going to let him derail your freshman season. I'm going to take a few days off to come visit you." Mom said.
"You can?" I asked.
"Of course I can. I can be out there to make your game on Sunday." Mom said.
I sighed a bit in relief and sagged against Travis. Cassie continued to talk to my mom and I tried my best to calm down from my panic attack. After another few long minutes my chest started to open up and it finally felt like I could breathe again. Travis relaxed his tight hold on me and we both sagged backwards.
"Take this" Cassie said and handed me a pill, well half of a pill.
"What is this?" I asked looking at it.
"I'll tell you later but you need to take it." Cassie said and pressed it into my hand. I looked in her eyes and the worry is there again. I didn't question her again and just took the pill followed by almost the whole water bottle that she gave me.
Once I was done with the water bottle Cassie took it back from me and put the cap back on. Travis dragged me backwards so I was resting against my bed and knelt down in front of me.
"I'm going to go; you should relax for now okay. I'll come back and check on you around dinner time." Travis said and gave me a smile. I just nodded and held my hand out. He smiled and we did our secret hand shake we started when we were kids.
"Thank you" I said.
Travis didn't say anything but leaned forward and kissed my temple. I could hear him talk to Cassie for a few minutes as I took in everything that happened today. Just when I was finally getting a grip on my new reality, Cassie walked back into my room and sat on the floor next to me.
"I thought you went home." I said somehow remembering the note she left for me this morning.
"I was but I forgot something and I had to double backed to pick it up when you walked in with Travis." Cassie said and turned to face me. "Travis told me a little background of what was going on just now before he left. I'm not going to pry into your personal life but I'm here if you want to talk about it. Travis also brough the copy of the order down to the RA office with a picture so they have it on file."
I didn't say anything as Cassie told me about what Travis did. When she was done I just nodded and wanted to crawl into bed and sleep off the mental exhaustion that came over me. Before I could move Cassie lifted something in her hand and I realized it was a towel. When I tried to stop her Cassie captured my chin in her other hand and held my face in place as she gently wiped my face. Once she was done I felt better but I was starting to feel embarrassed that once again Cassie is taking care of me.
"How about you put on some pajama's and take a nap. The Xanax is going to hit you soon." Cassie said and dropped her hand that was holding onto my chin.
"You gave me a Xanax?" I asked surprised.
"Half, I wasn't sure how you would respond to it so I figured half was a better way to go then a whole. Your mom said it was okay with it when I brought it up. But come on, lets get some pajama's on you and we can go have a movie marathon on the couch and you can nap through most of them." Cassie said and started to get up from the floor.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like this Cass" I said and followed her lead.
"It's okay McKenna, you're not the only one who has some ghosts from the past." Cassie said speaking from some kind of experience.
We didn't say anything else and Cassie helped me unpack all the clothes I was able to throw in my duffle bag. I left most of it on my bed to deal with later and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt and met Cassie on the couch. She gave me another water bottle and I managed to drink a lot of it as I settled onto the couch next to Cassie. Once we got comfortable under a shared blanket Cassie put on Tangled and it didn't take me long to fall asleep with my head on her shoulder.a/n: well now we know a bit more about what is going on with McKenna and what happened at home. we will learn more about it in coming chapters.
Song on the side is Blurry by Puddle of Mudd, heard it on the car ride home today and looked up the lyrics and thought of how good they fit with what's going on with McKenna's home life in this chapter.
also you guys get this update early as i have a lot of things to do tomorrow. let me know what you guys think with comments. until next week.
~Amanda