Caroline Rosen nodded a great total of two times. That was as much validation as I was going to get from her and for what I understand, it was a lot. She went back and forward from one painting to the other, tilted her head, leaned in, then leaned back. I was incredibly nervous, if she didn't like the paintings, I had less than a week to show her something new, or worse, she could cancel the whole thing and all of this would be for nothing. My life-long dream was on the line for me and she hadn't said a word in almost fourteen minutes.
Finally she stood back, turned to me but instead of telling me what she thought, she pulled her phone out of her purse and dialed a number, "Yes. Yes. You can proceed, we'll have the opening night exactly as planned." Then she hung up.
I smiled. "Does that mean what I think it means?"
"It means I'm impressed and that doesn't happen often. It means you'll get your opening night. And it means you must be at your best. I'll have Scott make a reservation for you, both dress and make up. Don't be late."
I wanted to jump and scream but I remained calmed. I wasn't about to lose my shit in front of a woman who clearly detests people who are too emotional. Caroline walked up to number 13 and took another look.
"Talk to me about this one. The mixture of colors is very... nostalgic."
My smile vanished. Up until two days ago I wasn't sure I wanted to display this one, but I was running out of time and truth be told, it was a very good painting. Maybe one of my best. But the thing was...
"That painting is, well, it's about my wife." Fuck my life. "Ex-wife" I clarified. I needed to stop referring to her as my wife. "The gray and green opaque the lines between the center and the bottom of the painting. It feels heavy. It's supposed to feel confusing and disorienting."
"Yes, that is the sensation I got. I just need to ask, what is your fixation with this woman? You're dating a millionaire artist who could take you to Santorini for the weekend, and you're still hooked on some random girl from Oregon. I just don't get it."
"I'm not hooked. I have feelings about the divorce so I just painted them."
She gave me a sarcastic smile and said, "Sure. Scott will be calling you in two hours to get the final details ready. Don't be late, don't mess it up."
"I won't."
Scott called exactly two hours later to schedule everything, picking up the paintings, buying a dress, doing my make up, which would be done professionally may I add. I've never had professional make up done, not even on my wedding. Although my wedding was not exactly a ceremony, just sign here and here, and congratulations you're officially each other problem.
I had very little sleep on the week before the opening night. My head was filled with possibilities, all of them bad. What if people don't like my paintings, what if I don't sell a thing, what if no one shows up? These thoughts were running around in my mind one night when my phone rang. I picked it up.
Unknown. Weird.
"Hello?"
There was a moment of silence on the other line, then a shy, "Hey".
I froze. I was so used to the idea that she would never, ever call me, that it hadn't occurred to me what a unknown number could mean.
Ok, I can totally do this. Just keep calm, you have this. It's been seven months, it's fine, you're fine. You can totally do this, she has no power over you whatsoever. Just answer like you would with anyone else. Let her know that she is no one to you.
"What the fuck do you want?"
Well done, idiot. I should give a fucking Ted Talk. Riley didn't answer immediately, she stayed quiet for a moment. She was trying to figure out how to proceed to not piss me off more than I already was.
"I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. I just heard about your opening and I wanted to... congratulate you."
Scott, you traitor. "So Scott told you?"
"Uh, no. Your mom told me. She said you didn't want anyone there cause you thought it'd make you more nervous than you already are." Scott's off the hook, but I need to talk to my mother about boundaries. "So, uhm, congratulations."
"I think you got it wrong."
"Sorry, what?"
"Let me help you out with that. After seven months of not saying squat, you should be begging and saying 'Faye, please forgive me, I'm the biggest piece of shit in the world after Hitler. I'm so so sorry', right?"
She stayed quiet again. " I... I... I just..."
"Do not call me again."
"No, no, no. Wai-!"
I hung up on her. She called again, but I kept hanging on the call. She wouldn't give up so I ended up blocking her number. Why now? I was fine, I was feeling so much better and now my heart's on my throat and I feel like my lungs are about to burst.
I decided to call Ellen. I wasn't going to tell her that Riley had just called, I just needed something to do, something that wasn't staying up all night thinking about the fact that my wife- Fuck! EX-WIFE just called. Ellen asked if there was something wrong, but luckily, I could say I was just very nervous about the weekend and that I needed to distract myself. She was downstairs in less than an hour asking if I was hungry. I wasn't, but I needed to not care about that phone call.
It didn't take Ellen long to notice there was something wrong, and I didn't want to talk about it which only made her more suspicious. My hands were moving compulsively, I was making small chat and everything felt just... off. It also didn't take long for me to realize that this had been a bad idea. I was too sensible, too irritable, something had been misplaced inside me when Riley called and now I was becoming impatient with getting back to how I was feeling before the call.
Why would someone do something like that? Wait until you're feeling better, confident, happy with yourself to finally make a fucking move and ruin things for you. And what the hell was that move? 'Hey, I wanted to congratulate you on your opening night?' Are you fucking kidding me? Seven months of absolutely nothing. Not a text, not a happy birthday, not an 'Are you alive? You know, just to be sure.' And now this. I hated her for it.
After we ate, I asked Ellen to please take me home because I needed some sleep. She was onto me but didn't say anything.
I didn't sleep that night, and I didn't speak to Ellen for two days. She tried calling me but I just couldn't focus. First my opening night and now this.
It was a Friday, it rained in the afternoon but by 5PM it was clear skies. Yes, I remember that day perfectly for two reasons. I bought the best and most expensive dress Caroline ordered me to, and got my make up done. I felt like a freaking movie start after they were finished. Ellen texted me to ask if I wanted her to pick me up, I replied apologizing for not texting back, but I was sorting something out. I also told her Scott would take me since Caroline said Scott had a great presence to him. He looks great in a tux and it doesn't hurt that he is traditionally handsome. Also, Ellen's publicists didn't want people to know we were dating. I didn't know why at the moment. A week later I found out they just didn't want her dating a nobody. Once I had an opening night, then we could make it public, but then again, things would fall apart between Ellen and I less than two weeks after my opening night.
And just so we're clear, no, I didn't ruin it. She did. Which was actually fine. After I had time to process my break up with Ellen, I realize she did her job well. She was a rebound, and she made me forget about Riley for as long as she could. I would've probably ended up remembering Ellen fondly if she hadn't done what she did six months later.
Anyway, I'm rambling, sorry about that. The opening night brings back a lot of very intense memories.
Scott and I arrived on a limousine. I had never ridden in a limousine. We celebrated, drank champagne, and toasted to my success. I hadn't actually sold a single painting by that moment but this was still a huge deal. We arrived at 7 PM, and I felt a wave of relief when I realized most people had already arrived and were eager to talk to me, congratulate me, praise my work. This were people who made a living out of buying and selling paintings, out of writing about art, or people who just had too much money and liked art... people who had seen thousands of artists in this exact same gallery and they were congratulating me. I was ecstatic. I thought nothing could ruin that night.
Well, looking back, I'm not sure the word for it is 'ruined', but the night definitely didn't turn up the way I hoped.
I was speaking to people, hearing their opinions, listening to possible buyers asking questions about why this color, and why that position, what does this perspective mean, when I noticed someone staring at the painting. The painting about Riley. It was a tall woman, wavy brunette hair, broad shoulders, long legs. She was wearing a red leather jacket, black jeans and boots. In her right hand she held a glass with ginger ale, ice and a lemon wedge. There was no alcohol in that drink. I know; I've ordered that same drink for her a hundred times. She starting ordering it because people seem to have a huge problem with other people not drinking alcohol at parties or reunions, so when everyone kept offering her a drink because she didn't have one in hand, she came up with this idea. It looks like a cocktail, but it's just soda and lemon.
I took a deep breath, apologized to the buyers and walked up to her. "I said do not contact me again."
She turned around to look at me. She was surprised, a bit scared, and absolutely, positively fucking breathtaking. "Hey."
"You shouldn't be here," I replied. I had been preparing myself for this, so this time, I didn't act as impulsively. I knew that if she'd called me, she wasn't that far away from doing it again. Also, I wasn't about to make a scene in front of buyers. I never imagined she'd showed up though.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother you but... It's your opening night, it's your dream. I just couldn't miss it. I'm sorry. If you want, I'll just leave. But I really had to be here. Just for a moment. This is... you should be so proud of yourself."
"Is that it?" I asked a bit disappointed, but trying to hide it. "You wanted to congratulate me again and tell me I should be proud?"
She licked her lips and started rubbing her middle finger and thumb, something she did compulsively when she was nervous. "No. I don't have something I need to say, I was just kind of wishing it wouldn't be here."
"You won't get another chance. After this, we'll only see each other to sign the divorce."
I saw pain wash through her. She seemed different from the Riley who broke my heart. She was back to the Riley who'd been my partner for so many years. It looked like whatever emotional blockage she had was now gone. Her eyes weren't cold, or distant, they were like puppy eyes, like they always had been. The Riley I always loved. Who would buy me ice cream in the middle on the night just because I wanted, who'd give me a foot rub after a long day, who'd make breakfast and pack my lunch with little 'love you' notes, who would put her phone down and listen to every single detail of every silly story I'd tell her like it was the most interesting thing in the world, and cook me surprise fancy meals just because.
It was painful to see her again, because I thought I never would. I thought she didn't love me anymore, but I could tell, I knew, right then and there that she still loved me, and it broke me a little.
"I... you know I'm not good with words, but-"
"Hey baby!" Ellen said from behind me and kissed me in the cheek. "Oh," she said as she pretended to just now notice Riley. "Sorry, didn't see you there, and you are?"
"Riley," she said. There was anger in her voice.
"Oh, the ex. Well, nice to meet you," she said with every ounce of confidence in the world, extending her hand to shake Riley's.
Riley looked at Ellen's hand and replied, "Put that away, I don't do hypocrisy."
"Wow, I'm just trying to be friendly."
"Then I'm guessing Faye didn't tell you that I am not a friendly person."
Okay, this was becoming too much too fast. I was afraid something bad would happen, but then, surprisingly, Caroline Rosen showed up and saved the night. She grabbed Ellen by the arm and said, "Dumont, could you please come with me? I need help with this." But before pulling Ellen away, Caroline turned back, and looked at Riley up and down, the way you examine an expensive car before buying it, then turned to me and said, "Now I get it," before leaving.
"You didn't have to act like that," I said. "She has a right to be here. You don't."
"Yeah, I know. But I couldn't just smile and pretend I'm okay with it."
"With what? Me being with someone else? That's your problem? If I'm not yours, I'm not anyone's?"
"No! No, it's just... she acted like-" she stopped herself. I only understood what Riley meant a few days later. "You know what? You're right. I don't have a right to be here. But I needed to say something."
"Okay, then say it and leave."
She sighed, she looked like she was having trouble knowing where exactly to begin, but when she finally made up her mind, what she said... I didn't think she could say anything that would make me feel. God I don't even know. I just didn't think it would make me feel what I felt.
"I know what I did is unforgivable. To be honest I'm not even asking for forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it. But I do want you to know something. No matter what you do, if you stay with... this Helena person, or you find someone else; if you never forgive me, or you never want to see me again, I want you to know that no matter what you do, or what you choose, I will always love you. And if you ever want to come back, I'll be waiting. You'll always have a home to go back to, if that's what you want. And I promise, I'll make things so good for you."
I felt my heart sink to my stomach. I felt my throat beginning to ache. I felt like I wanted to cry, to yell at her. "You can't- you can't just fix everything with a nice little promise."
"I'm not trying to fix it. If you come back, then I'll try to fix it. Right now, I'm telling you the truth. Tomorrow, a month, ten years. I'll wait. I'll wait forever. I just needed you to know that."