.
It's been two days. Wangji is due back any time now and part of Wuxian cannot wait to embrace him once more.. while the other part is anxious about telling him about his secret. He knows how sensitive Wangji is about anything related to him and it's the main reason he chose not to share this information in the first place. Zewu Jun was right, a family depends on each other and protects each other. Secrets and lies were his doom in his past life and if he wants to break the cycle he needs to change his attitude.
Wuxian was currently relaxing in the Cold Spring with Zewu Jun. Unlike his brother, the older man had no problems with Wuxian's shamelessness. Wuxian played with his hair and after spending a few more minutes in silence he looked at a relaxed Zewu Jun: "I'm not used to this kind of life."
Zewu Jun replies without opening his eyes: "This kind of life?"
Wuxian: "The uneventful, calm, boring.."
Zewu Jun cuts him off: "You're recuperating from a chronic illness. How is this calm and boring?"
Wuxian sighs loudly: "I feel useless!"
Zewu Jun: "We're locked inside Cloud Recesses for now. You have no other choice."
Wuxian: "Locked inside? Why?"
Zewu Jun: "Everyday more people show up at the gate requesting an audience with the Divine Oracle. It's getting hard to contain them so we initiated a lockdown for now. At least until Wangji returns."
Wuxian looks at Zewu Jun in disbelief: "Are you serious? What do they want?"
Zewu Jun: "Some want you to heal them.. some want to talk to the deceased.. some want to present you with offerings.. So many people with different reasons."
Wuxian scratches his head in wonder: "What should I do?"
Zewu Jun smiles at him: "'We' are not going to do anything for the time being but sit here and heal."
That didn't ease the guilt Wuxian suddenly feels. He assumed that returning here would lock all the bad stuff out. It didn't occur to him that trouble would follow him even back home.
Zewu Jun sees the solemn look on his face and says softly: "Do not worry too much. Things will settle down soon enough."
A few hours later, Wuxian was sitting under the shade, eating peanuts and watching Zewu Jun train a few disciples. Apparently, 'overbearing clinginess' runs in the Lan Clansmen bloodline too. At least this is more entertaining than meditation.
Wuxian was pulled out of his thoughts when something landed in front of him and with the speed of light, he was yanked up and into a crushing embrace. Wuxian coughs weakly and pats his soul-bond's back: "Lan Zhan.. I can't.. breath!"
Wangji loosens his hold to run his hands on Wuxian from his hair to his arms in a total frenzy. Wuxian looks at the open panic on Wangji's face: "What are you fretting about? Are you alright?"
Wangji didn't reply. Instead he took his hand and kissed it, working his way up his arm to his shoulder, his neck then his cheeks until he captured his lips. Wuxian can feel the stress of their separation ooze out of Wangji. Wuxian pulls back and tries to smile reassuringly: "Lan Zhan, calm down. Everything is fine."
Wangji was too worked up to listen to him and buried his face in Wuxian's neck, reverting back to the initial crushing hug. Wuxian sighs and looks around, seeing people are openly staring at how odd Wangji was acting. Wuxian can feel his cheeks burning from how embarrassing this is. He whispers to his soul-bond: "Lan Zhan.. people are staring."
A few minutes of silence made him fidget: "Lan Zhan, you have to let go. You're being shameful."
Wangji just continues to take deep breaths and instead of letting go, tightens his hold more. Wuxian looks at Zewu Jun who's struggling to hide his amusement: "Help?"
Zewu Jun gets close and with a low voice says to his brother: "Hanguang Jun, you are making your soul-bond uncomfortable."
Wangji takes one last deep breath then shocks everyone present by slinging Wuxian over his shoulder and walking with long strides towards his room. Wuxian lets out an undignified yelp and complains loudly the whole way until they reach their room and Wangji lets him down. Wuxian's face was red from humiliation and anger but when he sees the desperate look on Wangji's face, he sighs and opens his arms to let Wangji do whatever makes him happy.
For hours, Wangji wrapped himself around Wuxian like the man was going to disappear any moment. Wuxian stayed silent until he fell asleep waiting for Wangji to let go or say something. Wangji's heart was beating fast. For the last few days, he felt like a rock was weighing him down, like he couldn't breathe deeply or think logically. He ended up abandoning the people he was traveling with on the last day and rode his sword to get here. He couldn't bear being one more second away from his soulmate.
He looks down at the relaxed features of his sleeping soul-bond and feels the world return to normal. He can breathe again. This man has removed all his inhibitions. That fact alone makes him overfilled with joy and dread.
He subconsciously wraps his hand around Wuxian's wrist to take his pulse and checks the sleeping man for any visible ailment. He is relieved when he finds none.
He hears a soft nock on the door and he goes to open it. Zewu Jun smiles at his brother and says: "May I come in?"
Wangji nods and guides him inside. Zewu Jun sees that Wuxian is sleeping and sits at the table on the other side of the room. He gestures for this brother to join and then says: "I'm glad to see you're back. We were expecting your arrival tomorrow."
Wangji nods silently. Zewu Jun can feel his brother's sullen mood and continues: "Where are the others?" Wangji looks at him in silence and shakes his head.
Zewu Jun was shocked: "You left them, didn't you."
When he receives nothing in return, he sighs loudly: "Lan Wangji, what has gotten into you?"
Wangji turns to stare longingly at his sleeping soul-bond.
Zewu Jun: "Do you not trust me to care for him?"
Wangji continues to stare at his soul-bond.
Zewu Jun drops the subject for a more pressing matter: "He needs to wake up to eat lunch and drink his potions."
That got a reaction from Wangji. He stood and went to softly trace his finger on Wuxian's face until he opened his eyes: "W.. What? I fell asleep?"
Wuxian sits up and looks around, seeing Zewu Jun: "What did I miss?"
Zewu Jun looks disappointedly at his brother then smiles at Wuxian: "Nothing. It's just lunch time. Would you like to eat here?"
Wuxian looks around: "Can we go join the rest of the arrivals? I miss Wen Ning and my kids."
Zewu Jun coughs and then glares at his brother: "They didn't arrive yet."
Wuxian turns to Wangji, who's busy running his fingers through Wuxian's hair. Wuxian smacks his hand away: "Tell me you didn't abandon them to get here early?"
Wangji looks back at him with a blank expression.
Wuxian turns to look pleadingly at his brother-in-bond. Zewu Jun just sighs: "He wouldn't answer me when I asked."
Wuxian feels sorrow build up inside him. He turns his body to fully face his soul-bond: "Lan Zhan, why did you leave the others?"
When he received nothing but silence, he cups Wangji's cheeks to look deep into his eyes: "Lan Zhan, talk to me please."
Wangji pulls him close to rest his forehead on his without responding.
Wuxian sighs in frustration: "I've missed you too but you're being unreasonable. I'm fine. You are aware that if I was in danger you would feel it through our bond. Nothing happened to warrant such a drastic reaction from you."
Wangji pulls Wuxian closer and continues to be silent. Wuxian feels a deep soul crushing grief overpower his emotions. Tears began to well up his eyes. He brokenly whispers: "Lan Zhan.."
His voice snaps Wangji to action. He backs up to look at his weeping soul-bond in alarm.
Wuxian lets out a few tears: "Why does it feel like your love for me is like a shackle? I don't enjoy seeing you suffer like this."
Wangji wipes his tears away and he continues: "This is not ok. I cannot be the reason why you're lacking. I refuse to be the one who ruins Hanguang Jun's reputation. I am just one human being. My life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You cannot sacrifice other people's safety and your own values to placate me!"
Wuxian lets out a small sob and Wangji starts to panic: "I'm sorry."
Wuxian's heart breaks a little when he hears Wangji's apology: "I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot fault you for loving me and I cannot stand by and watch you disregard others for my sake."
Wuxian continues to sob while Wangji frowns in distress.
Zewu Jun watches them and after a few minutes decides to intervene: "Brother Wei, please calm down. There is nothing we cannot solve with a few words and promises."
Wuxian nods his head and looks sorrowfully at Wangji: "I'm hungry."
Wangji jumps to go get him food. Zewu Jun sighs then turns to look at Wuxian who joins him at the table: "He will listen to you if you talk to him calmly."
Wuxian lets out a sad laugh: "I thought his clinginess would lessen with time. It's getting worse and somehow I feel it's because I'm lacking in some way."
Zewu Jun: "I've never seen my brother act like this before. Since he met you, he hasn't been this quiet."
Wuxian rubs his face in frustration: "I'm failing as a soul-bond."
Zewu Jun: "None of that, brother Wei. It's his insecurities that are affecting his judgment. Not your doing."
Wuxian takes a deep breath and decides that this matter is better discussed when they've all calmed down.
Wuxian allowed Wangji to be as possessive as he wished for the day. When they were laying in bed at night, Wuxian in Wangji's arms, he whispered to him: "Have I failed as your soul-bond?"
Wangji: "Nonsense."
Wuxian: "Why do I feel like you're better off without me then?"
Wangji tightens his embrace: "I won't let you go."
Wuxian: "I didn't say I was going to leave. I just need to understand your actions."
After a few minutes of silence, he hears Wangji's faint voice: "I couldn't breathe."
Wuxian: "What?"
Wangji repeats: "When you left my side, I felt like I was dying. I couldn't breathe."
Wuxian: "I didn't know you could be this dramatic."
Wangji sighs: "I'm not exaggerating. I felt my will slowly wither and my thoughts betray me. I am beyond terrified of losing you that not being in my sight for too long sends me into a bone crushing panic."
Wuxian: "Lan Zhan, this is not normal. You cannot live life fully dependent on me."
Wangji: "I thought it would get better with time but you keep getting sick and I feel so helpless.."
Wuxian sits up to look into Wangji's tearful eyes: "Let's make a pact: I won't die or leave you if you stop this madness. Deal?"
Wangji: "You cannot manipulate death."
Wuxian: "Promise me and I will."
Wangji smiles at him in agreement then moves to kiss him. Wuxian covers Wangji's lips with his hand to stop him then with a serious voice says: "No. You're still not forgiven. You will apologize to the people you abandoned. No more manhandling me in public. No more shameless acts of affection in public. No more putting me over your duties.. especially when there are others that I can lean on. Deal?"
Wangji frowns but when he receives a glare from Wuxian nods his head. Wuxian removes his hand and kisses his soul-bond tenderly. He is well aware that this promise is just the beginning of a long journey to healing Wangji's scars.. and he has nothing but patience for the one he loves.
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