Harlyn
"God, El, how many shoes do you own?"
Elly pouts at me. "Hey, you promised you wouldn't give me a hard time about my wardrobe while helping me pack."
I put my hands up in surrender. "Sorry. Just been a while since I was up close and personal with your shoe collection, that's all."
"That's true. You didn't help me move off campus last term."
My breathing stutters. I didn't help her move off campus last term, because, at the time, we weren't speaking. I came out to her as bisexual. Well, I told her I was kind of sort of dating my now-boyfriend Finley in what was probably the most awkward way ever - by lamely grabbing Finley's hand and letting her draw her own conclusions. And, well, she reacted in a totally understandable, if not entirely gracious, way by leaving and not talking to me for two long weeks. We made up, had a good long talk, and I like to think our friendship is even stronger now, four months later. But it still hurts to think about.
I decide to change the subject to why I'm here now, helping her pack to move once again. "You ready for this?"
"I was born ready, babes," she assures me, carefully piling old school trophies and binders full of pictures and mementos from her childhood into a plastic bin. This isn't just another move into her University of Kent hall for the term. She won't be moving back to her dad's house, at least not for the foreseeable future. She's moving into a flat with her two friends and, not-so-coincidentally, Finley. "I still wish you were moving with me, but I'm ready."
"El..." You think she'd be tired of pressing this, but apparently not.
"I'm sorry. I'll stop. At least I have Finley. I can be pretty sure you'll be over a lot." She cocks a haughty eyebrow at me.
"I can't really argue with that," I chuckle.
"Mmhm," Elly hums. "You excited to see him? Only a couple weeks, right?"
A swirl of nerves and excitement pools in my stomach. Finley and I met when he was studying here last term. But he's from the States, and I haven't seen him in over four months. We didn't have a whole lot of time together while he was here. I was figuring out new feelings and not ready to tell the world yet. Most of our early relationship was spent secretly meeting up at one of our houses, and even after his best friend, Max, found out and I came out to Elly and my parents, we never had a proper date. We didn't have time before he went home. Don't get me wrong, we spent a lot of time together, kissing and cuddling and just being near each other, often with Max and Elly. But a "let's get dinner and see a movie and kiss goodnight when I drop you off at home" kind of date? Not yet.
That's where the excitement comes in. I'm so ridiculously excited to see him again, hold him, kiss him, take him on a real date where everyone can see me holding his hand. Video calling and texting just aren't the same. When he found out he'd been accepted to Canterbury Christ Church University - the final yes he needed to move back to England - we both cried. And we're counting down the days until he gets here - just fourteen now.
But I'm also ridiculously nervous. It's been over four months. That isn't long, but it feels like a lifetime. And a lot has happened. I've changed. And Finley has. Not a lot, I don't think. But I've never done this before - long-distance, reuniting, a relationship that's lasted this long, a relationship with a guy. How do I know Finley still wants me? How do I tell him I love him? How do I do...any of this?
"Yeah, I am," I say, tucking the last of Elly's shoes in my bin.
Elly hums. "That didn't sound convincing."
"No, I am. I am. Just nervous, too." Before Elly can ask anything further, I say, "This bin is done. I'm going to take it to the car."
"This is not the end of this conversation!" Elly calls after me as I leave her room.
I trot down the stairs and past Elly's dad. As close as Elly and I are, I've never been close to her dad. He's a quiet man, never one for small talk, especially after Elly's mom died a few years ago. But he smiles softly at me and takes the stairs two at a time. I'm sure this is a weird day for him, too. His youngest kid is moving out. It's not the first time. Elly's lived on campus during the school year for the last two years. But it's different when Elly's room is emptying out, most likely for good.
I can't imagine doing that to my mum. I push that thought away and keep trekking Elly's bins to her dad's car. It doesn't take long to fill it. We already know we'll be taking a few trips. Elly hugs her dad but sternly tells him it's not time to cry yet.
As soon as Elly turns out of our neighborhood, she turns the radio down and glances at me. "Alright, spill it, Harley. What are you nervous about?"
"Elly, this is not a Harlyn day. This is an Elly day."
"Well, if it's an Elly day, I demand you tell me what's up."
Before I have the chance to deflect again, my phone rings. "Oh, look, it's Finley."
"This really isn't over," Elly sing songs just as I answer and Finley's face pops into view.
"What's not over?" he asks.
"Your boyfriend's in his head, and he keeps evading my questions," Elly announces.
Finley raises an eyebrow at me. "Oh really?"
"I'm fine," I insist. "I promise. The real news is Elly's moving today!"
I turn my phone to face Elly, and Finley gasps. "Yes! I forgot that was today! Are you on your way there now?"
Elly nods, eyes fixed on the road as she swings around a roundabout. "Just about there, actually. You want a tour? Or do you want it to be a surprise?"
I pull my phone back to myself to watch Finley deliberate. I'm pretty sure I already know what his answer is going to be. Finley doesn't like surprises.
"I think I want a tour," he says.
When we pull into the tiny parking spot in front of the flat, Francesca and Polly are just coming out the front door. Both light up when they see us and change course from Francesca's car to ours. Polly lived in Elly's hall last term. She was good friends with Francesca who I knew from one of my classes at Christ Church. Seeing the three of them get close took some adjusting for me, even though it made me insanely happy. I'd always had Elly just for myself, but watching her jump out of the driver's door, squealing as she gathers Polly and Francesca in a tight hug, I can't help but grin.
"Are they hugging?" Finley asks as I climb out more slowly.
"Obviously."
I take a moment to stare at him while Francesca fills Elly in on what they've done already. He's dressed for work even though it's only eight am there. He must have the day shift today. He cut his hair again, too, and I want to complain. It got so long by the end of last term that I could tuck it easily behind his ear. It's not really all that short at all now, but, God, do I look forward to running my hands through it again (and maybe conveniently not reminding him to cut it). His big brown eyes are staring at me, a shine of bittersweet something there.
Before I can ask what he's thinking about, Francesca appears, pushing her glasses up her nose and demanding the honors of giving Finley the tour. I relinquish my phone and watch her tightly coiled bronze curls bounce as she heads toward the front door. Polly tosses her long black hair into a ponytail as she follows Elly to the trunk and starts grabbing bags. I pull a bin from the back seat and try to catch up to Francesca to get the tour, too.
Luckily, they're still in the living room, just inside the front door, and Francesca is explaining to Finley how they're going to set it up with the couch they got free from one of Polly's older brothers. It's a cozy room with a fireplace on the wall opposite the front door. I follow past the staircase, through to the dining room, an almost carbon copy of the living room, and on to the kitchen, a narrow room that leads to the only bathroom at the very back. It's all very generic - tan tile and carpet, beige walls. I can't imagine Elly will let it stay so boring.
"It's small, but we'll figure it out," Francesca says, carefully spinning in the tiny bathroom so Finley can take it all in.
"Yeah, no, it's great," Finley says.
"Now for your room," Francesca chirps.
We meet Elly and Polly on the landing on the second floor where three of the four bedrooms are, and I set Elly's bin in her room. We all climb the last narrow set of stairs to Finley's room. It's basically an attic, but still fairly spacious. Elly and Polly crowd around my phone and watch Finley's reaction when Francesca turns the camera around. He's seen pictures, and it's not all that different over video call. But he still grins, and my knees go just a little bit weak thinking about him here, making this room his own.
"Is that a bed?" Finley asks. There is, indeed, a bed tucked in the corner. It's a bit beat up, but it's better than a sleeping bag on the floor, which is what Finley was expecting to use until he found something.
"Yes!" Elly says proudly. "We found it for you. And a desk. And a wardrobe. They're not exactly top quality, but -"
"No, they're perfect. Thank you," Finley gushes.
I slip back down the stairs to let them have their moment and keep trekking Elly's bins up to her room. On my second trip, the girls pass me and stick my phone back in my hands. I sink down onto the kitchen floor, back to the wall so I'm out of the way. Finley smiles at me.
"You disappeared," he says, cocking his head to one side. He's sitting at his desk, arms folded in front of him.
"Just wanted to let you have your time with the girls."
"I'm going to be living with them. I'll have plenty of time with them. I haven't talked to you in three whole days. And I gotta leave for work in fifteen minutes."
I hang my head. "That's not nearly long enough."
"It's never long enough."
The tension seeps from my shoulders. It's moments like this that I worry less about how it's going to be when Finley's here. The bittersweet look in his eye. The soft, sad words. The quiet staring even though he just said we only have fifteen more minutes to talk today.
"What's got you in your head, sweetheart? Elly said you've been quiet today."
I know I can tell him. I know I can say that I'm nervous, and he'll get it. I know that communication makes or breaks a relationship, and I've been doing my absolute best to be open and honest with him even though it's still hard for me to figure out what's in my own head. But I don't think I can have this conversation in less than fifteen minutes.
So, I say, "I just miss you." And I give him as soppy a smile as I can.
He smiles back at me. "I miss you, too. Fourteen days and counting."
Elly swings into the room. "Harlyn Michael Evans, are you going to help, or are you going to talk to your boyfriend all day?"
"Michael?" Finley giggles. "How did I not know your middle name?"
"Shut up," I groan and turn to Elly. "I'm going to talk to my boyfriend all day, thank you."
"Sorry, Elly. He's all yours," Finley calls. I look back at him. "I gotta get to work anyway."
I nod. "I know. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
Elly watches me as I climb to my feet and stuff my phone in my pocket. "We unloaded the car. You wanna help me get the rest?"
I nod and follow her outside, expecting her to ask again. But she's quiet all the way back to her dad's house. She parks in the drive and turns to me.
"Alright. We're not leaving the car until you tell me what's got you all mopey."
I sigh, but I know I'm not getting out of this. So, I let it all out. The fear. The excitement. The weird, swirly feeling I get every time I think about holding him again. How many times I've imagined our reunion knowing it won't be like any of those daydreams at all.
"I already messed up once, Elly," I remind her. "I didn't talk to him. I didn't tell him what I was thinking. And it almost ended us before we even really started."
Elly shakes her head. "You didn't mess it up. Because you're still together. Babes, relationships are hard. Why do you think I'm not in one?" I huff a laugh. "But I don't think you have anything to worry about. Finley loves you." She cuts me off before I can protest. "I know you haven't said it to each other yet. But it's written all over his face. He's so excited to see you. You don't need to worry about that."
"Yeah, I guess."
"And it'll come. You two will figure it out."
"I know."
She leans forward and ducks to stare straight into my eyes. "It's scary. But it's also so so wonderful. And you have me. And Polly and Francesca. You both do."
"I know we do."