Finley
It's hard being perfect. Stressful. Every conversation I have with someone is like a chess game, thinking through every combination of moves before I say anything. Harlyn asks what I want to watch, and I take far too long to answer, trying to remember what he said he's been watching or what he'd like to watch. I finally just say he could choose whatever, just to get the choice off me.
Elly asks my thoughts on her design choices for her room, and I tell her it'll look great however she does it.
"Well, sure, but I'd still like your opinion, babes," she says, clicking to another tab where she has a bunch of temporary wallpaper saved. "I really like this dark turquoise stuff, but I think it's too dark, innit? It's a tiny room already. I don't want it to feel smaller."
"It'll be great, El."
The girls are the hardest since I, you know, live with them. I end up retreating to my room most of the time to avoid having to do mental gymnastics every time I'm eating a snack.
But I can't skip our weekly roommate dinner/meeting.
It's my turn to make food, so I put in my earbuds and start warming up canned soup and garlic bread. The girls trickle in from work, change, and start setting the table, chatting to me about their days. It's been two months of this, and we've made it to this spot where we can move around our narrow kitchen without knocking into each other or burning anyone. It's comforting, especially to my frazzled brain space.
"Ooh, Finley got the good garlic bread," Polly exclaims when she pulls the bread in question from the oven.
"I remember how much you liked it last month." I grab the pot of soup and take it into the dining room, weaving between Elly and Fran as they return to the kitchen to get water and glasses.
"You're too sweet, babes," Elly says. She says that a lot. I'm not always sure how to accept it. Today, though, it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
The whole dinner does. The first couple we mostly talked about logistics and house rules and things like that. But since then, other than rent and utilities, we haven't had anything crazy serious to talk about. It's mostly getting to know each other, keeping up with our lives. Tonight, though, Fran sets down her spoon rather dramatically when we ask her how life is.
"Well, I actually have something to talk to you all about." She adjusts her glasses and tugs nervously at a curl on her forehead.
"Well, that sounds ominous," Elly says, raising an eyebrow.
Fran fidgets more. "It's...well, it's nothing bad. It's just going to be a change. For all of us." My stomach sinks to my toes. I don't need more change right now. "Well, so, Nate and I have decided that we're going to move in together."
Polly's mouth drops open. "Shut. Up. You are not!" Fran nods, and Polly squeals. "Oh my God. That's amazing, Fran."
"Yeah, it is," Fran says, some of the tension dropping from her shoulders. "We, uh, we talked about it once. Kind of. A long time ago. And I... brushed it off. And I know he's wanted to bring it up since then, but I've avoided it. But we finally had a big talk the other day. And I'm...facing my fear of moving in together. And we're...moving in together."
"I'm so happy for you, Fran," Elly says, hopping up to give her an awkward side hug. "That's a big step."
Fran smiles against Elly's shirt. "It is. Part of the reason I avoided it for so long. But I... I love him. And we're coming up on our one-year anniversary. And just...it seems like the right time." Elly sits back down, and Fran picks her spoon back up, her face pinching a bit. "It's just...well, I'm leaving you without a fourth roommate." She looks up at me, locking me with a sympathetic gaze, like she knows what I'm thinking.
I'm also painfully aware that I haven't actually said anything. I didn't congratulate her or hug her or anything. I smiled. I think I smiled. I hope she doesn't think I hate her. But my mind is running a mile a minute. I've only just gotten used to living with them. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but I thought I'd get more than two months before I had to adjust to another new person moving in.
"Oh, that's alright, babes." Elly waves her piece of bread in front of her. "This will be good for you two. We'll figure it out."
"Yeah, don't worry about us. Do you know when you'll move out?" Polly asks.
Fran glances at me again. "Not for a few weeks. We still have to find a place to move to. And I want to give you time to find a fourth so you're not unexpectedly paying more rent than normal. I'm not going to flake out on you, I promise."
"Well, you know what? I'll ask Harlyn again," Elly says, and I whip my head around to look at her. "If you're ok with that, of course. That would definitely be something you two need to talk about now that you live here, too. But I really think it would be good for him to move out of his house."
I flounder for a moment, all the good and bad that would bring bouncing into my head at once. But if that's what Harlyn wants to do, right? "It's really up to him," I say, finally finding my tongue and hoping I sound genuine and not freaked all to hell.
"He's said no a million times, El," Polly reminds her.
Elly shrugs. "I know. But it's worth a shot. If he says no again, we can start asking around, post on some roommate boards and stuff. There are always Facebook groups and stuff we can look at." I try not to think too hard about what that would mean - a stranger sharing the house. At least I'd met Polly and Fran before living with them.
After dinner, they shoo me out of the kitchen so they can clean since I cooked. About half an hour later, there's a knock on my door.
"Yeah?"
Fran pokes her head in, smiling shyly. "Hiya."
"Hi." I force a smile on my face, and she sinks into my desk chair. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to check in. See if you're ok. You were quiet at dinner."
I drop my gaze to my sheets. "Yeah, sorry. I'm really happy for you. Just surprised me."
"No, Finley. I... I wasn't offended you didn't squeal or freak out. That's not really your style."
"No, it's not," I say, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.
"I wanted to make sure you're going to be ok. I know it's a lot to spring on you. All of you. But...well, especially you." She pauses, and I look up to see her frowning deeply. "That sounded rude. I'm so sorry."
I sputter out a tiny laugh. "That wasn't rude. It was accurate." Her face softens. "I'm ok. I promise. It's a shock. And sooner than I thought it would be. But I really am so happy for you. And I'll adjust."
"Good."
"And I'm also just all over the place lately. So, I was extra quiet because of that, too. I was already in a weird headspace."
She tilts her head to one side, and it reminds me of Harlyn. "Things with Harlyn still kinda weird?"
"It's fine." I shrug. "Just in a rough patch. It'll blow over."
"What would you think about him moving in here?"
That's an excellent question. "I don't know. It would be different since we wouldn't be moving in together, you know? We'd have separate rooms and still be living with Elly and Polly, of course. But it would still be a big step."
"Yeah, well, talk about it. Don't avoid it like I did." She winks at me.
Another thought occurs to me, a lump rises in my throat. "I'm going to miss you."
"Oh, Finley." She joins me on my bed and folds me in her arms. "I'll be here until at least December. Maybe through the rest of term. And you're not going to get rid of me. I'll come over all the time. Maybe I'll convince you guys to let me keep my key."
I giggle and sniff, trying to keep the tears at bay. I've cried enough this week. "I mean, we let Harlyn have one. Unless our new roommate is super strict, I don't see why we wouldn't."
She squeezes me harder with one arm and pulls out her phone. "This calls for a group hug."
Not two minutes later, Elly and Polly burst into my room and pile onto my bed. And even though I'm crying, and there's yet another thing looming in my mind, I can't help but smile when Elly ruffles my hair and Polly sprawls at the foot of my mattress and starts ranting about work. For just a moment, my anxiety is drowned out. And I wonder if these girls know how much I adore them.
"You guys know I love you, right?" I murmur in a lull between Polly's stories.
Elly leans back and gives me a 'duh' look. "Of course, babes. We love you, too."