I wanted to die.
If only I could hear grandma's voice of encouragement or get some kisses from her. How long it had been since I had seen her face or her complaints. Here I stood in the staff bathroom after taking some Advil again, five minutes until the meeting, staring at myself in the mirror. Oh, what I would have done for some of my grandma's ginger chai to ease the twisting in my lower abdomen.
Dizzy.
Nauseous.
Very, very scared.
So many emotions piled on top of me that I didn't know which one to associate myself with in that moment. I swallowed over and over and over but it did nothing to fix the bile that wanted to crawl up. I crouched down, my hands resting on the sinks, wanting to somehow settle the pain in my stomach and the nerves all bunching up into one.
Please, God, help me through this. Would I survive through this meeting? I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pushing myself to a standing position, I settled on fixing my white cuffs for the tenth time with my shaking fingers, instead, the bracelet getting caught.
It did not help.
The doors to the bathroom flung open, startling me so much that I nearly rolled my ankles in the pointy heels. Preethi stood there, holding a file against her chest. "Tara ma'am is waiting for you."
"Now? I have a few more minutes."
"I suggest you go now, at least to start the meeting off with a good first impression. You don't want to be tardy."
I obeyed, following her out the doors. The closer we got to the main room and the black doors where we usually sat for meetings, the more I wanted to hunch my shoulders and run the opposite way.
Give up, a voice said. You are not made for this. You are meant to be at home, cooking and looking after your grandma, cooped up in your comfortable apartment. Comfort is what you need.
This made me stop.
"Rani?"
Comfort is what I'd always wanted. Or at least, that's what I thought I wanted. But I had learnt so much from being Rani. Most especially from Dhruv. He had gone from a house husband to doing a part-time job, the entire time being himself and accepting the changes that came along.
What was I doing? Thinking about giving up because I conditioned myself that I was only good enough to do the same things I knew. That Rani was better than me because she was successful. I could be that if I tried, too. If I hadn't been Rani, would I have ever gotten this opportunity? The person doing this meeting wasn't Rani. It was me. And even if I failed or did a bad job, I would be doing it.
Me. Mouna.
I straightened my shoulders and gathered the courage to look Preethi solely in the eyes. "I'm going to do this."
She pumped her fist at me. "You've got this."
***
The meeting was not as great as I thought it was.
I did do what I needed to, which was read the notes that Rani had prepared about the questions that Tara would ask about herself. The confidence I had never disappeared because I was enjoying myself.
The questions were very straightforward and it only involved her, which eased my worries. Initially I had imagined men and women in suits staring at me but that was not at all the reality. In fact, she asked about future plans, projects I was working on and interview-y questions which Rani had all very detailed notes on. Many of which had reminders of questions to ask her so I did just that. Tara's face, however, did not look impressed so I didn't know.
"How'd you do?" Preethi asked, leaning over her cubicle.
"She is so hard to read," I whispered. "I think I did okay, but I don't know."
"You have meetings with her all the time. I think you did fine."
For Rani's sake, I hoped she was correct. As I got ready to leave that evening to get dressed for the work party for a charity event, I saw a shadow loom over from behind me.
Tara ma'am.
She had her arms crossed and her thin lips pinched tight together to form a red line. "You did a good job." It was like she had burst open the clouds with her own bare hands to allow the rainbow to seep through. "It's safe to say I think you deserve your own slot."
The ground opened up beneath me. My head shook, and I stared at her blankly for a long moment before I shot forward to hug her. She made a grunt and I pulled away, feeling my hands and legs shaking.
"Th-thank you?" I said, not knowing what to do. I had never felt this way before. No one had ever said those words to me. I had never felt so...so successful! After all, I was expecting to fail and throw away Rani's chances at advancing in her job when she seemed like such a hard worker.
"See, I told you!" Preethi said, hugging me. I returned the embrace and grinned. She was right, and so was Dhruv! Their confidence in Rani had been so sky high and I had deliveredânot to the extent that Rani possibly would have but I hadn't ruined her career which was good enough for me.
I itched to call Dhruv to tell him the good news and got out my phone, only to see that I had a message from him.
Dhruv: When's the party? Just asking so I can get ready in time so you won't scream at me for being late :) btw, how was the meeting?
Me: It starts at 8. You have time so don't worry about a screaming match...unless I find something else to scream about! tara ma'am said I got my own slot!
Dhruv: Congrats! see, i knew you could do it. believe in yourself more.
These words of his made me stiffen. He had thought I would do amazing at the meeting because I was Rani. The other day, he knew what date Rani was typically due for her period and what kind of protection she wore because I was Rani to him. Of course he thinks that, silly, I told myself. I couldn't blame him for thinking that way because it was the truth. The truth to him. This is what you want. This was the plan all along.
It did not do my tightening throat or chest any good. I glanced down at my blouse. Were the buttons too tight? Why did it feel so suffocating being in here?
"See you tonight," Preethi had said from her desk. I could only wave, disoriented, as I left the building.
The sky was turning dark, the sun setting behind the cloud far off as the orange glow lit my way to the front gates. I didn't know how I had gotten home. One minute I was standing outside, waving down a rickshaw, the next I was walking through the doors and a black Kelpie bounded toward me, its ears sticking straight up like a cute little fox.
All confusing thoughts earlier that befuddled me vanished as I bent down. "Kippie?!"
"Close," the crisp, light voice floated above me. Dhruv stood there in his white sweater and khaki shorts. He looked a bit sheepish as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "Cookie, a Kippie look-alike that Frankie and her mom thought we might be interested in. I saw how down you were about giving Kippie away so I figured I'd bring this little boy out to you first. You know, to see if you were up for keeping him."
He did this...for me? I thought, mouth wide agape. No one had ever done something so thoughtful for me. My grandma physically couldn't but if she could, she would, I knew. I didn't remember my parents much to know if they spoiled me...and I didn't have anyone romantically around me to do such a thing.
Dhruv was the first.
I never knew a man could instil so many conflicting, warm feelings in me that it made my lips quiver. I bit down on my bottom lip. He mistook my silence for anger because he added, "I can tell them you're not over Kippie if this isn't something you want. I haven't made anything permanent."
I didn't want him to get the wrong message so I did the unthinkable. I leaped into his arms. Since Rani was naturally tall, this meant I could bury my head into the crook of his neck and inhale the scent of him; a hint of pine and orange soap. My heart beat faster as his large arms wrapped around my waist. This reminded me of when we were in the lake...but back then, it felt different and now, it was different. Completely different. It was a feeling I had never been accustomed to before.
A strangerâno, not a stranger anymore. The man I was falling for holding me in a manner so intimate made my cheeks burn and my body tingle.
"Thank you so much for this gift," I murmured against his skin that felt soft against my lips. I tightened my grip on the front of his sweater, feeling his warmth burn through my clothes. "I love it."
But as I stood there in his arms, I knew what I was doing was wrong. What I was feeling was wrong. This was another woman's husband and even if she had said she didn't like him, things could change. I was making it change.
They had fallen in love once and who was to say it would not happen again? It was clear that he liked her. He believed I was her and what I was doing was not fair. I pushed him away as if his touch burnt me and bent down to Cookie, wanting to pretend as if I hadn't embraced him like I had.
It was a moment of foolishness I wasn't meant to act upon. Neither of us spoke about what happened. Neither of us mentioned it as we got ready.
That was the way it was meant to be.