I couldn't take it anymore.
Every time I was around him or his arm accidentally brushed against mine or I caught him staring at me, my heart fluttered and raced all at the same time that it made me physically nauseous.
He wanted to kiss meâRani, I mean. He wanted to touch her! When he had asked me if I wanted to wait, I couldn't say yes. I don't know why, it was silly of me because that was what I wanted and it was the perfect opportunity.
But a part of me liked the way he looked at me and the way my body reacted to him without him being next to me. I had never felt like that before. The other part of me, the one with common sense, told me that if I said yes then after Rani would switch back, nothing else would change. And that would be bad, right?
The thoughts and images made me shut my eyes tight and shake my head back and forth. I needed to physically delete that because it was not me and it was not right. What would Rani think? I know that if Rani were doing these things in my body with...with Dr Arshan, I would die.
I needed to get back into my body as soon as possible. By no means did I want to. Going back meant dealing with new issues, such as Dr Arshan. I didn't get enough details about Rani and Dr Arshan being friends even though he was her ex boyfriend and in my body, she was spending a lot of time with him. Just the way they were looking at each other that night at the restaurant told me everything.
They had to be just friends. I hoped and prayed they were.
Again, I had much more important problems to be dealing with and that was avoiding Dhruv as much as possible so he would not touch the wrong Rani. Somehow I managed to do just that for the two days we were there; the morning we were leaving, I got up extremely early to pack and to make breakfast for his parents.
I hummed to myself as I got out the dosa batter Dhruv's mom had made the night before, carrots, capsicum and cheese to make the filling of a perfect vegetable-cheese dosa. This would be a perfect 'thank you' and 'goodbye' morning feast and would last me the couple of hours as we headed back. At the back of my head, I wondered why I hadn't switched yet. I did everything that I was supposed to do....or think I was supposed to do.
So why did it not work?
The silence in the house, the dark clouds still rolling over and providing a dark, eerie light made me shiver. I seemed to be doing that more than I would like. Not because of the cold...but because of Dhruv. I didn't think another human being could possibly have that effect on me. I stopped slicing the carrot to slap my cheeks in an effort to remove the thoughts.
"Stop thinking about it," I mumbled.
"Thinking about what?" The voice was closer to me than I imagined and I stiffened, as I did every time Dhruv was near me, shooting away from the cutting board as if I had sliced open my finger. Dhruv stood behind me, not too close, but close enough. He had gotten out of the shower it seemed as his hair was damp and his upper body was exposed. Trailing my gaze downward more, my saliva dissipated as I realised there was nothing on his lower half either! Yes, he had a small white towel but it was hung very low and threatened, if not careful, to drop soon.
Droplets of water fell from his hair down to his exposed, fit chest and the v-line stood out at meâI shook my head. My skin slowly prickled and a tingle ran from the ends of my hair to the bottom of my stomach. His pink lips formed a knowing smile and that made me feel even more embarrassed. I wanted to run to the bus stop right now, climb in and never come back.
"Thinking about the long ride home," I managed to say in the end.
"I'm sure you are."
I played with a carrot stick, wondering why he was still there when he stepped closer. I was leaning against the island so I couldn't move anywhere else except forward and I would not do that. He hooked his hands around my thighs and hauled me onto the kitchen island with startling strength. His shoulders rippled and the muscles in his arms flexed at the swift move and my vocal cords had been stolen.
Why...why did he do that? I screamed in my head. His usual brown eyes darkened to black, pupils blown out. I shoved the carrot stick in his face, between him and me as a form of distraction. He took a bite out of it without hesitation, gaze unwavering.
"I have to go shower," I whispered. I wanted it to be bold and stern so he could stop whatever it was he was doing. But a simple feat as speaking was becoming more and more difficult. I glanced over my shoulder hoping Dhruv's parents didn't come into the kitchen to see this happening.
I was already embarrassed. I didn't need to be even more embarrassed.
"I'll join you," he said, simply, as if it wasn't a big deal. I gawked at him. It was then that my body registered his arms around me, one hand resting on the side of my thigh. His thumb rubbed small circles on the exposed skin right under the fabric of my shorts sending jolts of electricity through me. I pushed at his chest, his warmth transferring through to my open palms, with a little more force than I had anticipated.
"I can shower myself," I exclaimed. I did not want to think about the many times I was sure Dhruv and Rani had done that because it would not be the same. This may be her body but I was not going to do that so long as I was in it. Not wanting to see his expression, I pushed myself off the island and forced my shaking legs to run as far away from him as possible.
My ears burnt.
My stomach tumbled.
My body shook violently.
Oh, how I hated feeling this way.
***
Dhruv's mom stopped me from leaving as he rolled the luggages out the front door. We didn't look or speak to each other after the morning incident. A tense atmosphere settled between us that I hadn't wanted. I really did want to be subtle but maybe it was my fault for declaring that everything would be fixed that night at the party.
Maybe that was what caused this.
"You will come and visit with Dhruv," she began, "won't you?"
"And next time we'll bring our dog," I said, thinking of Cookie. Thank goodness for Sandra.
"Don't bother. She only wants you here more often because of the food," Dhruv's dad said from beside her. "She'll have someone to do the cooking and she can relâ" At the look she gave him, he trailed off and cleared his throat, going out to help Dhruv instead.
"Ignore the old coot." I giggled at her description. "Please, do come again. I think I was too quick to judge you."
"And so was I." With a promise that I would come back, we headed to the bus station and back to what we were used to. This was the only time I had given myself to relax and fix some things.
Now, I really needed to find out what I was going to do. I couldn't stay here and be Rani forever. I wanted to. But I couldn't.
It wasn't until the sun had set that we'd gotten back to our state. I let out a yawn and followed Dhruv out toward the rickshaw stand, a fair distance between him and I, when I caught a glimpse of a black cape.
Black cape.
The old man! I glanced at the bracelet still tightly wrapped around my wrist, a part of me since this journey began that I forgot about its existence. Without a second thought, I hobbled over to the man with my small suitcase in my hand. His back was turned to me and with a huge smile on my face, I placed my free hand on his shoulder.
"Excuse meâ" I trailed off. It wasn't him. It was a young woman with mud and lipstick smeared all over her, the black capeâthe black blanketâwrapped around her. She surveyed me from head to toe before shifting away so I wasn't touching her anymore. "I'm so sorry."
The seed of hope in my chest fizzled away. What was I thinking? The old man would magically appear and give me back the life I was meant to live, just like that?
This wasn't a movie.
"Rani!" I turned to see Dhruv had followed me, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder and two suitcases on either hand. He panted a little bit, glancing over my shoulder to where the woman and I were standing before."What's wrong?" he asked, as if we hadn't been ignoring each other for the past few hours. "Do you know that woman?"
"No, I just thought it was someone else." Before he could press further, I said as dismissively as I could, "I wanted to visit Preethi before I went back home. Is that okay?"
He took the suitcase from me, that grating atmosphere back again. "You don't need to ask me for permission," he said, his brows flattening into a thin line.
"Thank you..." but my words of gratefulness only rang in the empty air in front of me as he turned and strode back over to the waiting rickshaw on the other side of the street that was dimmer and emptier than the one I was on.
The stalls were bustling with people and the yellow overhead lights made us glow. The darkness surrounding him and the rickshaw where the lights didn't extend to, reflected the gap I suddenly felt as I watched the three-wheeler rumble away.
I was destroying the connection I had built.
I only hoped Rani felt anything for him back to fix it.