Chapter 15: Traditions, Coins and Accountants

Looking at my ring again, I do wonder whether trusting this Dave kid was a good idea or not. I mean, I know he can’t lie, but he’s twelve. So, if he just has a vibrant imagination, it’s not really lying. I guess, I at least know he didn’t try to deceive me, so that’s good. Why was he hiding from Hildi though? Maybe he's just shy? Or maybe he’s just a little shit that tries to troll others, that’s also a possibility. Either way, kinda sus but whatever. At least my adventure in the search for cursed items got me a demon repellent ring! That’s cool as fuck. I wonder what demons are like though. They might not be as bad as what I was led to believe…

Especially since all I know of them is basically from church and those guys don’t really like Demons soooooo, they’re probably nice?

Or at least not what I think they are, which seems to be a theme. Honestly, if I go by the logic that almost everything here is a bizarro world where things are just upside down from what I expect them to be then maybe I can abuse that? Although… That’s also not quite true, it’s not a complete opposite of what I thought either more like… Different? I guess I should just stay sharp at all times, rather than try and cheat the system. I do wish there was a cheat code though… So far, I’ve just been beaten and narrowly surviving, a little power boost couldn’t hurt.

“Oy, if it isn’t the cutie from before, is that your mom?” A familiar sounding voice shouts at me. Looking at the direction of the call, it’s the shop owner guy who cleaned my hands.

“Oh, hey! I’m glad I met you earlier!”

“Who is that, Sammy? A friend of yours?”

“Eh, not really, just some guy who helped me out before”

“Oh, really? Well, I’m glad you met my daughter then.”

“Oh, the pleasure was mine. I enjoy being around young ones. Their youthful innocence and power of imagination is truly something to behold.”

“So, what was the pleasant interaction you two had?”

“Your daughter asked me if she could rub my oil lamp, because she thought it would grant her wishes but it only made her hands oily, so I helped her clean it up.”

“That was nice of you. But why did you think rubbing oil lamps would grant you wishes Sammy?”

“Ehm, well… I thought that a Genie might be living in it that gives you three wishes if you rub its oil lamp.”

“Where’d you learn that from? Most Humans in the region I found you in never even heard of a Djinn before.”

“Eh… Movies.”

“What are those?”

“They’re like plays that you can watch at home.”

Giving me a bit of a side eye, she answers, “Huh, interesting. Seems like the Humans you grew up around were quite rich.”

“Eh… Not particularly. It’s just a thing everyone has where I’m from.”

“You’re definitely a little weirdo, aren’t you?” Hildi says cheekily.

Letting out a chuckle, I answer, “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Well, not to disturb your familiar bond, but do you mind buying something from my shop?”

“Sure. How about that oil lamp my daughter touched, how much is that?”

“One Calm, two Hail.”

“Hmm how about one Calm, five Flake?”

“I won't go lower than one Calm, one Hail.”

“Fair enough, I’ll agree to that. Do you have anything else that you have a hard time selling?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” the merchant says and pulls out a dusty box of cutlery. “Here you go. An old heirloom. A set of human-made cutlery made out of iron.”

“But wouldn’t that hurt when you use it to eat?” I ask.

“That’s correct. There’s a reason they haven’t sold yet. So how much are you willing to pay for it?”

Hildi thinks for a moment then says, “How about five Calm?”

“Well, it is rare and almost impossible to find without having it custom made here, as well as an ancient heirloom, so how about one Light?”

Hildi thinks for a bit before saying, “Alright it’s a deal then,” she shakes his hand and gives him a big coin. Hildi picks up the junk the merchant sold her, accidentally burning herself on a spoon in the process and goes back to walking to the Inn again.

“Pleasure doing business with you” he says, while smiling and playing with the coins Hildi gave him as we distance ourselves.

“Hey, Hildi?”

“Yeah?”

“How much did you pay for that junk?”

“One Light, One calm, and one Hail”

“And how much is that?”

“Ehm… Hmm, how should I explain this…” She pulls out her coin bag and shows me a small bluish-silver, opaque crystal coin with a snowflake imprint. “This here, is the smallest winter court coin called Flake. With three of them you can buy one big juicy apple. If you have ten of them, you can exchange them into one Hail,” she pulls out another coin seemingly made of the same material but a little bigger and brighter than the first one with a picture of a dead tree on a hill surrounded by falling chunks of hail on it.

"If you have three of these you can buy ten apples with them. Now, if you have ten Hail you can exchange them for one Calm,” Going back to her purse she pulls out an even bigger coin with the same scene as before but instead of hail there is a baby deer sleeping in the snow, the coin now even lighter in color. “Now if you have three of these you can get one hundred apples with them or a small apple tree for your own garden.”

“So, it always goes up in increments of ten?” I ask her.

“That’s correct! You’re a smart one, aren’t you?”

“Pfft, that’s easy, nothing I can’t handle.”

“It’s not that easy Sammy, money exchange takes most of us hundreds of years to completely understand.”

Guess Fey kids are pretty stupid then. I think to myself with an arrogant smile.

“Anyways, the next higher coin is one Light” she again pulls out an even bigger coin, this time the background is the same but it shows a person with a long starry cloak, holding a candle next to the deer, the stars actually twinkling on the crystal coin and a faint light is coming from the candle.

“With three of those you could buy ten apple trees or one thousand apples!”

“So, all in all, you paid the equivalent of around 366 apples for this junk?”

“Yeah, a little more but about that amount.”

So, if we say that an apple is around 30 cents, she paid…eeeeeh…9000 plus 66, 132, 188, 1880, 10.880, take away the 0, 1880. She paid $1,880 for this garbage!?!?!?

“Hildi!”

“What?”

“Why did you pay so much money for that garbage!? You got completely scammed! We should go back and get your money back!!!”

“Calm down, I paid exactly what it was worth considering the rarity, materials and other factors.”

“But who would buy it for that amount!? It might be worth that much in theory but why would you buy it for that? It’s completely useless.”

Reaching back, she brushes over my head, “That’s what we do to avoid having debts with people. He helped you out and to make sure I wasn’t indebted to him I bought something useless off him for its theoretical worth.”

“But why that much money??? Even if he helped me out, he only washed my hands. That's not worth that much money!”

“Well, we just got unlucky there. Usually, people don’t have such expensive things around. And I did specifically ask for something he can’t sell, so it was just bad luck,” she says with a shrug.

“How can you be so nonchalant about this? It was a lot of money.”

“Sammy, first of all, I have more than enough money. Second, money is worth way less than favors and third, you are worth far more than money or favors, so I’ll gladly pay that amount. Also, who knows? Maybe we’ll find a use for it one day.”

“Hmm, maybe. So how many more coins are there?”

“A lot. I can show em to you at Gundolas. She should have at least one of every main coin in her safe.”

“Main coin? What does that mean?”

“Well, there are a bunch of different sub currencies tied to the realms of the four courts. We here print our own coin motives but they’re still winter court coins. There are also a bunch of different fey folk, that have their own internal coins with different worths but the only ones you need to know about are the four main court coins. In total, there are twenty-seven different coins, twenty-eight if you count the Titania or Oberon.”

“That’s a lot of coins.”

“Sure are, it gets even more complicated though when you get into exchange rates but I’ll save that for when we get there.”

“Eh, it can’t be that complicated.”

“Oh, you’ll see, you might be way smarter than the average baby but even so, I’d be impressed if you manage to get it on your first try.”

“Bet?”

“Sure, what are you betting?”

“Ehhhh… My honor?”

I feel a sharp pain in my head as Hildi suddenly decides to give me a noogie.

“OUCH! What was that for?”

“You can't bet such big things!”

“What do you mean?! I didn’t bet anything!”

Getting me out of the carrier, she picks me up and looks me deep in my eyes, “You said you wanted to bet your honor didn’t you? What are you gonna do if you lose that!?”

“What? It’s not like honor is a real thing. I’m just saying it instead of actually using anything real for a bet.”

“Oh, by the Nightmother, I really need to teach you some things before you go around being stupid.”

“Wait, what do you mean?”

Taking my hand, she picks me up again in a princess carry and says, “Let me tell you a tale of our ancestors. There once was a smart, beautiful nymph playing in the forest. It was a particularly boring day, so she walked around aimlessly near the roads where she knew the evil Humans tend to wander about, to try and play with one of them. After a while, she found a caravan full of them, she knew it would be too dangerous to approach them while they were all close together, so she waited until nightfall and watched a particularly handsome young Human stay awake as the others slept. Being somewhat competent in spirit magic, she conjured up a small will-o’-wisp and sent it over to the young man. Dumb as Humans are, he could not stop himself from being fascinated by the light and followed it into the woods.

The smart Nymph lead him down a long and twisted path to a place faaaar away from any humans.

She led him to her favorite pond, where she bathed herself pretending not to notice the Human. Lecherous as Humans are, he peeked at her beauty from beyond the trees before talking to her. The clever nymph invited the Human to join her in the bath, where she played with him until the Human asked her if she knew the way back. She of course knew the way back as she led him there in the first place and asked him, 'What will you give me in return?'

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The Human was flustered when he said, 'I have nothing on me, all I can give you is my gratitude.'

The clever Nymph obviously accepted these terms and led him back to his people. In exchange, she took the part of his soul that gives him the ability to feel gratitude away from him and the man returned to his people, becoming jaded and saddened over time, not understanding why he could not feel thankful anymore for the things in his life, until he finally realized the pact he made with the clever Nymph.

So, he set out back to her to regain his gratitude, groveling at her feet that he’ll give everything he has for it. The clever Nymph obviously accepted and in exchange for his gratitude, took ownership of his soul, forming him into a slave of hers until he grew old and useless, where she then separated his soul from his body and fed it to her will-o’-wisp. Empowering it and allowing it to grow into a wispling, which became her first permanent Familiar, helping her out for days to come… So, Sammy, what did you learn from this story?”

“That Nymphs are manipulative dicks?”

“What!? No! It teaches you that you need to take advantage of the situation and that Humans are unaware of the deals they’re making. Also, things like your honor or gratitude in this case are very much real and can be taken away from you, which is why you always need to be careful when you make pacts.”

“I mean… Yeah, I guess it teaches that too but it seems really hypocritical of you to say that fairy tales are violent but then call tricking someone into becoming your slave and taking their soul child friendly or ethical.”

“See, that’s where your Human socializing comes into play, Sammy. The thing is, Human souls are very valuable to us and while we are tricky and resourceful, we are not unfair. If Humans weren’t this stupid, they wouldn’t fall for our tricks that easily. They have the same chance as any Fey to not get tricked, yet they still do. So why shouldn’t we capitalize on it? Just something to think about…” She says before stopping and putting me down.

I didn’t realize we came this far already, as I was distracted by the story, but we’re already back at the candy house.

As Hildi breaks off a bit of the chocolate handle on the cookie door again, I hear the familiar voice that still somewhat sends chills down my spine.

“Nibble, nibble, like a mouse. Who is nibbling at my house?”

“A valued customer with her child, we’d like to stay one more night. The details you already know, may we now come through your door?”

“Ah, I see the tick is here, why don’t you come in my dear?”

With a click, the door opens and we enter the main hall again. This time, I keep an eye on the handle seeing it slowly regenerate as the door closes behind us. The Inn is as vibrant as ever, there are many patrons filling the pretzel stick chairs and wafer cookie benches. The ice sandwich tables are full of food and some of the aquatic folk are drunkenly driving their tea cups from table to table via the hard candy train tracks, dancing around in them spilling tea all over the cake floor which soaks into the ground as some of the flying races throw cupcakes at the aquatic people from their dango seats embedded in the upper walls. All the while, there is happy music being played on a stage made out of a huge macadamia cookie by a band of four playing on medieval looking instruments. There is a male Gnomeling drummer, a Ladybug woman using her four arms to play a double Lute back-to-back leaning on a Satyr playing the flute, all the while a 3-armed Ogrin man with a blue horn, red skin and green hair sings along to the music.

Damn they are REALLY partying today. Wonder if it’s a special occasion. I think to myself as I walk toward the fruitcake counter where Gundola is awaiting me with her mostly toothless smile, one candy corn tooth peeking out at me.

“Kikikiki, hello dear. How was your time in the market?” She asks in a high but raspy voice.

“It was highly eventful and not necessarily pleasant,” I answer her, her eyes instantly narrowing at Hildi she asks,

“So, you bring your kid to the biggest market in the Unseelie realm and you don’t even manage for her to have a good time? Should I call the Quicklings on you?”

“Calm down Gundola, let’s just say we had one very unfortunate misunderstanding in the weapons district but otherwise had a good time”

“Tsk, Chainers raiding again?”

“Not quite as bad but yeah, it was BAD.”

“Hmm, I see… Well, I’m not going to pry further into your private affairs but you better keep the kid out of trouble or the Chainers will be the least of your worries.”

“ANYWAYS, Gundola, can we get a look in your safe? I wanted to show Sammy the four court coins.”

“Oooh educating her on that level already? I know she is very smart for her age but I doubt she’ll understand it all too well…”

“Pfft, it’s just a bit of money, it can't be too hard,” I say.

“Kikikiki, cocky, aren’t we? Well, if the young lady thinks she can handle it then sure, why not? Follow me.”

She leads us to a back room behind the counter that is surprisingly not super decorated like everything else, it’s just a small bed, a broom leaning on the wall, a table with paperwork on it and a safe, seemingly made of iron. Gundola then pulls out what looks like a wand, points it at the safe and says, “Awaken!” causing the safe to start changing and a face appears on it.

“Yaaaawn, who has awakened Mojamba out of his slumber?”

“It’s me, your creator, you old piece of trash.”

“What? Who is there? I shall bite your hand off if you approach this safe without my master.”

Gundola facepalms and points her wand at a cupboard saying, “Fly!”

There is a bit of rumbling going on before a pair of glasses comes flying out of the drawer, towards Mojambas face, landing neatly on his long nose.

“Oooh! Master is that you? I didn’t see you coming.”

“Yes, it’s me you blind old geezer. I need you to open up for me.”

“What’s the password?”

“Password? We haven’t had a password since two-thousand years ago you dementia ridden piece of iron.”

“Oooooh yeah... I remember.”

“You don’t remember at all, do you?”

“No... Not really, but only my Master would speak to me like that, so I know it’s you. Here let me open up for you.”

I can see the mouth of the safe widen to a grotesque amount, until nothing of the face is seen anymore and the safe is open. Once it has been opened, Gundola pokes around in it gathering some coins. About twenty seconds in though, there is a scream coming from the safe.

“AAAAAAAHHHH”

Gundola quickly pulls her hand out of the mouth and asks, “What? Why are you screaming?”

“LOCKJAW! OUCH! AAAAAH”

Gundola sighs and then points her wand at the safe again, “Sleep.”

It is then that the mouth closes again, and the face slowly disappears as it turns back into an ordinary safe.

Gundola says “Alright, I might have gotten some duplicates but I should have one of every coin, let me just get my accountant to organize them quickly.”

Wait, did she say accountant?

She opens up a cabinet in her wall revealing a small office space with an old looking gnome in it. He is wearing a gray cap that slumps downward a little as well as what looks like a suit with an old ugly beige wallpaper print on it. His beard is laying on him like a blanket and his fingernails are long and yellow. He gives us a small look before fishing around in his bag and pulling out an ornate looking hearing horn that he promptly puts to his ear and asks, “How may I assist you?”

“I need you to sort these coins for me into court and size as well as separate the duplicates.”

“Right on ma'am,” he answers slowly, putting his hearing horn down, picking up a walking stick and walking towards us.

Combining all the power of lethargic joint popping he wobbles over to us slowly. He’s now almost at half the distance… Come on old geezer… You can do it… If your heart doesn’t give out by then that is. Oh, damn it… Now he’s taking a break leaning on the desk… COME ON!!!

Ok, now he’s moving again… If you can call that moving. Yup, any day now old man… And he’s taking a break again…

STOP LEANING ON THE DESK!!! Wait what? Is his hand sinking into it?

There is a clicking noise as a spring shoots up under the old man, shooting him into the air. When he reaches the height of the tabletop, he grabs onto it, doing a backflip onto the table only to then go back to slowly creep towards the middle of the desk where Gundola hands him the coins.

I’m honestly still in awe at his sudden acrobatic prowess… Like was this all a show? Like when Yoda pretends to be just an old man and then does backflips? Or does he just always skip leg day and focuses on sit-ups and arms all day? Maybe he used enhancement magic or something?

“Done.”

“Wait what?” As I look again, he sorted all the coins into neat little piles of five groups, by size and I’m guessing worth.

But how though? I took my eyes of the fucker for like ten seconds???

“Hey Hildi?”

“Yeah?”

“Did he use magic to count the coins or something? Because I looked away for like ten seconds and then he sorted this huge pile!”

“Oh, no. He’s just really good at his job.”

“Wow.”

Gundola answers, “Yup, that’s what 7,800 years of accounting looks like.”

“7,800!?”

“Technically 7,837,” The old gnome says as he approaches the edge of the desk.

“How can you work a job that is boring for that long???”

“Oh, it ain’t boring to me kid. Shinies and numbers always fascinated me. And the best thing is, not only can I surround myself with what I love at work, I also get paid in them! An accountant’s life is a blissful one.”

“I mean… I guess that’s true. I’m glad you found your passion.”

“You’ll find yers one day as well lass,” he says with what I believe is a smile, it’s hard to see though as it is concealed by all the hair in his face but his voice definitely… Wait, what is he doing?

The old man takes off his hat, revealing two shiny blue eyes and a cone shaped hair due. He then holds his hat above him and jumps down the table using his cap like a parachute, sticking the landing with a front somersault to break his fall, only to then go back to wobbling towards his office.

“Kikikiki, he’s such a showoff sometimes. Anyways, sit down child and let your mom explain the coins to you.”

I sit down on the chair as instructed and wait to show off my genius and mental age once again as Gundola and Hildi sit down next to me.

“Alright Sammy, I think it will be easiest if we finish the winter coins first and then go by order of seasons.”

“Alrighty, sounds good to me.”

“So, we stopped last with one Light. The next biggest coin is one Royal Night.”

She shows me a coin the size of my hand with the woman now holding the deer in her arms, blanketing it with her starlight coat.

“As you already know, it is ten times more valuable than the Light.”

Hmm… So if we go by three Flakes being worth an apple and an apple costing around thirty cents… Then a flake is worth ten cents, a Hail is $1, a Calm is $10, a Light is $100 and a Royal Night is worth around 1,000 bucks.

“The next coin is a Royal Song.”

This coin is depicting the deer being sung to in the snow by the woman who is holding it in her arms. It follows the trend of the other coins, where the more valuable they are the bigger and brighter and more vibrant in color they get. It’s really heavy, though it makes sense, since I doubt most people would be just carrying ten grand around with them.

“Alright, here is the last Winter coin. One Royal Winter.”

This coin is really interesting. Unlike the other ones, this one has an animated picture of a muscular man with a crown walking up to the singing lady, bowing and then leading her and the deer out of the picture before repeating the scene again.

Definitely worth the 100 grand…

“Alright Sammy, that’s all of the Winter coins. Are you keeping up?”

“Yup, easily.”

“Perfect, then let’s go on with the spring court.”

“Bring it!”

She shows me a small green coin with a white egg on it. “Okay, this here is one Eggy, two of them are worth three Flakes.”

Hmm… So one Eggy is fifteen cents… Got it.

“Now ten Eggy are worth one Ducky, which is the same as five Flakes, one Hail.”

This coin is still green but also depicts some grass with a broken egg and a duck standing in it.

“Alright so just multiply by 1.5 got it.”

“Yup, very good Sammy. Now, twenty Ducky are worth one Goosel, which is worth three Calm,” she says while showing me a coin with a happy goose on it.

“Ok… Wait, did you say twenty?”

“Yup.”

“It does not go in increments of ten?”

She gives me a smile, “It does actually, for the next coin you need thirty Goosel”

“Ok wait, that seems unnecessarily complicated.”

“Oh, just you wait, we're only getting started. So, thirty Goosel are worth one Snowdrop, which are worth nine Light.”

“Ok… Ok… I think I’m still somewhat keeping up,” I say unconvincingly as I stare at the coin with a snowdrop flower on it.

“That’s great Sammy! Now for the next coin you’ll need?”

“Forty Snowdrops?”

“Very good! For forty Snowdrops you get one Royal Bloom which is worth three Royal Nights and six Royal Songs.”

This coin is similar to the Royal Winter in the sense that the picture is actually moving. It depicts a flower growing from a seedling up to the point of blooming.

“Ok, one last coin and we’re done with spring, how’re you holding up Sammy?”

“Eeeeeh… I’m definitely holding…”

“We can stop here if you want.”

“No, no it’s fine. I want to see this through, maybe the other courts aren’t as complicated.”

“Well… We’ll see about that,” Hildi says while handing me the last coin of the Spring Court.

It’s even bigger than a Royal Winter and shows the moving picture of a blooming landscape with Rabbitpeople dancing in it.

“This here Sammy, is a Royal Spring. It is worth eighteen Royal Winters.”

Wait a second, eighteen? That’s like 1.8… MILLION DOLLARS!?

“How do you even have so much money Gundola???”

“Kikikiki, thousands of years in business and being best in the market.”

“Wow, then you’re insanely rich?”

“I wouldn’t quite say that but I’m not wanting for food or water any time soon. Kikikiki.”

“Do you want to continue with the Summer Court now, Sammy?”

“Yeah, sure it shouldn’t be as hard as the Spring one.”

“This is one Dawn. It is worth two Eggies or three Flakes.”

She shows me a small gold coin with a dawn symbol on it before moving to a slightly bigger one with the sun now at its zenith.

“With seven of them you can get one Nooner, which is worth one Ducky, four Eggies or two Hail, one Flake.”

“Wow, we’re going in increments of seven now?”

“Yeah, want me to stop?”

“No no… Just keep going.”

“Ok, so with seven Nooners you can get one Laker which is worth…”

Frustrated, I say, “Hildi… At this point please just stop the conversions to other currencies. It's getting too complicated. Only tell me for the autumn one again, I just need to know what the first coin is worth in other currencies.”

“Giving up then?”

“Yup. This money system sucks.”

“Kikikiki, don’t worry dear you’ll get used to it. You already got extremely far for an infant! I’m sure you’ll pick it up in no time.”

“Uhuh… If you say so”

Hildi clears her throat, “Uhum, now where were we? Ah yes, the Laker.”

She hands me another gold coin, this time depicting a sapphire lake on it with people bathing in it.

“Now for another seven of those you can either get one Titania or one Oberon. They’re the Queen and King of the Summer court. They’re also very vain though, leading to them being unable to agree on who will be on the coin that is worth more than the other so they instead printed two of the same coin with different pictures on them.”

And sure enough, these gold coins portray a king and a queen. Both seem quite young. The King looks very mischievous and pompous while the Queen looks very regal and stoic.

Must be a case of opposites attracting each other.

“The last two are the Royal Sun coin and the Royal summer coin, each of them again seven times the worth of the coin below them.”

The Royal Sun coin seems to just be another bigger Nooner coin with a more stylized sun depiction. The Royal Summer however is animated, depicting what seems like a marriage scene under the summer sun between Titania and Oberon, tying a knot around their hands and kissing.

“Don’t fall asleep on me yet Sammy, we’re on the end stretch. Only six more coins to go. Starting with this one.”

She shows me a wooden coin with an acorn on it. “This is one Nut. It is Worth half a Flake, a third an Eggy and a sixth of a Dawn. Now, with thirteen of them…”

“Thirteen? Really? Who makes up such bullshit monetary systems???”

“AS I WAS SAYING, with thirteen of them you can get one Squirrel,” She hands me a bigger coin, still made out of wood with a happy squirrel on it.

“With another thirteen of those you can then get one Harvest Coin.” On this coin there is now a pumpkin harvest being depicted.

“The next two coins are the Royal Meal, followed by the Royal Feast.”

These two coins depict a huge meal and then in the feast, a zoomed-out version of it showing the scale of it being even bigger, with animated people eating and conversing with each other on the table.

“And now our final coin, one Royal Autumn.”

This one depicts many people and squirrels with full bellies lying under an acorn tree.

“Is it finally over Hildi?”

“Yup, we’re all done.”

“THANK FUCKING G–! That took SOOOO LOOOOONG.”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t bet your honor then, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it you won… Man, I’m exhausted now.”

“Then how about you go out in the main hall and play around the Inn a little until you’re tired. Once you’re sleepy, we’ll go to bed and tomorrow we’re off towards my friends and the magic market.”

“Alright sounds good, see ya.”

Just wanting to escape having to see more money, I run through the door back to the busling Inn.