Chapter 16: Living the Sweet Life

Kicking the door open, I climb on top of the fruit cake counter and yell “Fuck math, who is ready to party?!”

There is a bit of silence before the patrons burst out laughing.

“Gurururu, how amusing! Gururururu,” A Pigeon woman cackles from the top tables.

“Aaaaw ain’t she a cutie,” A cyclops in the corner swoons.

“Sit with us! Achoooo!” A naked, green woman with a giant red flower on her hat says to me right before blowing her nose.

Not wanting to be rude, I sit down on the seat next to her trying to not stare at her exposed bits. Though it seems my modesty is being interpreted as shyness as the lady then loudly exclaims, “Aaaaw look at her! She was so loud before but now she is getting shy. Come here! Sniff,” and proceeds to give me a hug.

This should be any boy's dream, being smothered face first in the boobies of a beautiful woman, yet I still don’t feel any arousal towards it, so it feels somewhat demoralizing.

I push myself away from her grip and say, “No unsolicited hugging!”

Only to hear a sad sigh behind me.

“Are you sure you don’t want any hugs?” a deep voice from behind me says disappointedly.

I Sigh as I turn around to look at him. He sounds very nice, so maybe I should- “NOPE! No hugs from you either, Sir. Thank you and I appreciate the offer.”I blurt out, almost in a yell as I see this cactus person, with a flower crown and open arms standing behind me, his thorns long enough to poke my eyes out.

He looks very saddened by my rejection and starts to sniffle, trying to hold in his sadness. “Why does no one want to hug me…” he mumbles while slumping down a little.

It is then, that a man made of red granite walks up to him giving him a hug and a kiss. “Mammillaria, honey, you know that not every Fey can take your hugs like I can. Don’t be sad alright? We can hug all night if that makes you feel any better!”

“Sniff, I’d like that”

Giving him a wink, he says, “Then how about you go ahead and make yourself pretty upstairs. I'll be right there for you.”

“Alright, Rosso. I’ll see you upstairs.”

“I hope you weren’t displeased by my husband. You see, he is very starved for others' touch due to his thorns. He even tried shaving them off once and I tell you IT DID NOT go well… Poor guy had to go to the apothecary three times after that… Also...Don't say thank you to strangers, kid. My husband would never take advantage of it but you never know with strangers. Anyways, I’ve gotta go. Can’t have him waiting too long on me,” He gives me a pet on the head and then walks upstairs.

His hands felt just like stone, very heavy but yet quite smooth.

What a weird couple. At least the stone guy will never have a problem with getting hard, I just hope he deals well with his husband’s prickly personality, hahaha.

“So, what brings you-Achoo- What brings you here to Gundola’s, kid?”

“I’m here-“

“Achoo!”

“I’m here with-”

“Achoo.”

“Are you sick or something? Because I don’t want to get any diseases, I don’t know anything about.”

“Who? Me?! Oh no you-you-you-CHOO! You see, I just have a horrible pollen allergy.”

“But aren’t you a Floran?”

“Yes, that’s what makes it even worse! It’s always around this time of year that it starts, my pollen just goes into my-my-my-Caught it. You see, my pollen always goes into my nose and makes me-ACHOO!”

“EEEW! You snotted all over me! That’s disgusting!” I yell out in disgust, trying to wipe the yellowish mucus of my face. “Oh g- I think I’m gonna throw up. Hugh”

“Nononono, please don’t throw up. Poody, do something” The snot tosser says in a panic.

“I’ve got chu!” A female voice says before dowsing me in water, cleaning all the snot off of me but in the process drenching me in water.

The cookie floor soaking up the water and mucus and swelling up before drying out again and going back to normal in an instant.

“Great! Now I’m disgusted AND wet.”

“But hey, at least you clean now girl,” the voice from before says, who turns out to be a water elemental lurking over the edge of a teacup, both her hair and face entirely blue and wet. Taking an even closer look, it looks like her skin is translucent and her insides are water, like her body is built like a water balloon.

“But if you want, I can have ma boyfriend dry you up real quick. Right, Luminous?”

“You got it, babe,” a man with red hair and red brownish skin, wearing heavy winter clothing says as he takes in a deep breath and starts blowing hot air at me. It is just hot enough to be slightly uncomfortable but not enough to hurt me. Once he finishes, I’m completely dry.

“You’re soooo hot, Lumi~”

“You know it babe~”

A bit flabbergasted, I say, “I… Guess I appreciate you guys? I’d like to swap seats though; I don’t want to get sneezed on again.”

“Oh, come on! It won’t-It won’t- ACHOO- Happen again! See I didn’t even sneeze in your direction.”

“Yeah… That’s because you sneezed on ME, Sunny…” a deep, woman's voice answers.

“Oh! I-I-CAUGHT IT-I didn’t mean to, Girtha.”

“Girl! You can’t just go sneeze on THE Girtha. I have a modeling gig tomorrow! What if the Girtha gets sick because of it? Or someone sees me sneezing? That’ll take away so much of my following!”

I wonder what a Fey model looks like… I mean honestly all of them already look like supermodels. At least the more Human looking ones, not really the Gnomelings and Ogrin or some of the mixed races, or earth elementals… Ok maybe not EVERYONE looks like a supermodel but I’m still curious. Unfortunately, Sunny’s damn petals are in the way so I can't see anything…

“Hey, Girtha was it?” I ask.

“Yeah, lil girl what’s up?”

“Can I sit next to you so Sunny won’t sneeze on me?”

“I mean, I guess… Gotta keep fostering young fans after all.”

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

“Uhuh.”

A little arrogant, but hey I get it if you’re a super model you have higher standards. I am curious though, so let’s see…

I stand up and walk behind the massive petals of Sunny only to find some Ogrin.

“So, where is Girtha? Is she like a small fairy or something?”

The Ogrin turns around revealing a face with way too much make-up on it, her lips are overly red and glossy and her cheeks and eyes have a bunch of different colored, clashing make-up products on it. Her red hair is tied up in a half-up, half-down high ponytail with bangs and she is wearing a way too tight leopard dress with an equally tight pink belt that barely pushes her figure enough to reveal a hint of a waist. Looking at her reminds me of a human sausage.

“I am Girtha of course, silly. Can’t you see my marvelous beauty?” She stands up for a second and sways her hips around, “And bodacious booty!”

As she sways around you can hear a few Ogrin men and women in the tavern whistling and hollering at her.

“Awww, simmer down, lovelies. There is more Girtha at tomorrow’s beauty show!”

“So… You’re a model?”

“You bet your bottom Hail I am. I’m one of the best, girl. If you ask nicely, I can even teach you some about the business,” she offers and blows me a kiss. Her breath stinks of a mix of onions and gingerbread and I swear she has something green stuck in her teeth.

“I… I’m not interested.”

She shrugs, “Well, your loss then. Here, come sit down next to me. Frank, you go slide over a bit so the baby can sit down.”

I sit down, wondering whether or not sitting next to Girtha is better than sitting next to the snot slinger.

Looking to my left though, I see this one guy that… Looks way more human than any other Fey I’ve seen so far. Even the ones with a completely humanoid form like Hildi have this otherworldly beauty to them and little signs of their Feyhood but this guy…He just looks like Bob from accounting. Granted he does have some weird clothing choices, like the loin cloth, seashell necklace and nose ring but otherwise he is literally just a Human.

“Hey… Frank was it?”

“Yeah, how can I help?”

Definitely sounds like a Bob from accounting… Sus…Very sus.

“So… Frank?”

“Yes?”

“Are you Human?”

“What!? No! What makes you think that?”

“You literally just look like a Human to me.”

Sunny interjects, “Now that-that-tha-ACHOO-that is just a rude thing to say.”

“You shouldn’t just assume someone’s a Humie, gurl,” Girtha agrees.

“Well, what are you then?”

“I am half minotaur, half mermaid.”

“So...you got the human halfs of both and basically are just a Human?”

Getting offended, he answers, “Well, first of all, Humans look like us, not the other way around. Second, I’m proud of my heritage. I’m the child of two mythical races, that is something most can’t say about themselves.”

“How would we know if you’re not just a Human making up a story though?”

“I don’t have to listen to this shit! STEVEN! I’m going up to our room for today.”

“Aight bro! Cya then,” A bull faced person swimming in a teacup across the room yells back at him, as Frank storms up the tower.

Huh… Now I feel a little awkward…

“Seems like… Seems like you… ACHOO… Seems like you made him mad now, I better go after him just to see if he’s alright.”

“Well... damn… Hope I didn’t hurt his feelings”

“Eh, don'tchu worry, girl. He’ll be fine. He’s just a lil’ sensitive.” Poody, the water elemental assures me. “But say, Girtha ma girl, you think you can give us an invite to the fashion show tomorrow?”

“Man, are you for real, Poody? Do ya really think I’d be invited to the Midnight Castle for a show and NOT snatch a few tickets for ma besties??? O’course y'all are invited!”

The fire elemental mumbles through his thick scarf, “Eeey, Girtha. Thanks ma home girl. Closest I’ve, like, ever been to the castle was my school trip to the gate. Do you, like, think they have free banquets there or should I, like, eat before we go?”

“Really boy? You think THE Girtha would invite you to a fashion show inside THE Midnight Castle to be shown to THE Queen of the Unseelie and her guest THE Demonking and you’d have to eat before because they do NOT have banquets??? Boy, I think your brain got finally fried under all that heat. They’re gonna wine and dine and coddle your flaming butt like not even yo momma could! They’re gonna have to kick you out the damn castle, because you’ll never wanna leave after!!! Also… You better dress to impress or I lose all credibility!”

“Will do, homegirl.”

“Also, Luminous. Don’t chu bring…”

“Yeah, yeah I know, homegirl. Don’t sneak in any sausages to grill on my head during the show…”

“Right… Because if I fucking catch you doing that, I…”

“Will shove em’ like so far down my food hole I’ll grow a hole in my bum for them to come out of again… Yeah, I know Girtha. You gotta chill and just trust the process.”

“You always say I gotta chill boy but still every rock eating time I catch ya grilling during ma performances!!!”

The water elemental interjects, “Both of yall need to chill out a little and cool down… It’s gon’ be fine Girtha, I’ll frisk him before we enter.”

Seems like friend group dynamics are the same in this world as they were in mine. That’s a little reassuring. I wonder if my ring would work on that Demon King though. Probably not but it would be fun to try. I wonder what demons are like in this world. Apparently, they’re allied with the Fey, so they can’t be all bad and evil. Or could they? Maybe it is just a shaky alliance of convenience? Perhaps they truly are just dark forces and they deal with them for the convenience of the alliance…

“Heyyy, what’s up guys?” a new person says.

I also wonder what they look like. Are we talking horns and goat hooves or more abstract things like giant eyeballs with wings?

“I think it’s like a chandelier, Carlos.”

“Why do you always take things so literally, Luminous?”

“I just, like, don’t want to assume…”

“Lumi, hunny. That was a rhetorical question.”

“Oooh…”

“Anyways, who’s the kid?”

“I dunno. She’s the kid of some patron here. Haven’t seen a parent yet though.”

“They might be on the upper tables, lemme take a look.”

Also, I wonder what mythology got the demons right, if any. I mean the Christian deity seems to be real, so is Satan real? Are the hungry ghosts real from Buddhist myth? Damn, I don’t even know most demons from other religions… I hope they aren’t too sca-

“RYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” I scream as I have been grabbed by two huge razor-sharp Talons, carrying me upwards. The sound of giant wings flapping above me.

FUCK! What’s happening??? I think to myself as I wiggle around trying to escape the grip of whatever is above me.

“HILDI! HELP! STRANGER DANGER!!! KIDNAPPING!!!!!”

My cries for help barely leave my mouth before I hear the office door crack open and see an enraged, Hybrid form Hildi running out. Her mouth parts wiggling in anger and two of her four arms pointing at me, she shouts in a scary distorted voice, “I beseech upon the rules of this world. Let the pulls of the dimensional tide reverse. Make them pull the winged creatures to the ground like all other beings, so they may walk the path of the earth. FALL!”

I hear a pained groaning above me as the creature loosens its grip upon me and we both plunge towards the ground. As I fall, I can see Hildi running towards me and catching me midair, while the other creature hits the ground with a loud thump. The jolly atmosphere stops rapidly as most of the patrons stand up and pull out their weapons. Including the group that I was sitting with who are now standing defensively in front of the creature.

“Alright, STOP! What is going on here?” Gundola shouts into the room.

Scared, I yell, “I have no idea! I was just grabbed out of nowhere!”

“Alright… So what’s your side of the story? I don’t enjoy kidnappings or rabble rousing in my place of relaxation!”

“Carlos was like, just trying to help out man!” Luminous pleads.

“Yeah! He was just looking for the baby’s momma!” Poody adds.

Gundola sighs, then says, “I see. So we just got a misunderstanding here. Either way, you shouldn’t just startle little kids by picking them up without saying anything! Hildegard, release the boy.”

Hildi puts her arms down, her monstrous face visibly relaxing and from behind the friend group a sigh of relief is heard, as a person with wings for arms, frog legs with talons as feet, donkey ears and some other characteristics stands up and walks toward us.

“I didn’t mean to kidnap or scare her; I have learned from my mistake. I just tried to find her parents and in some way, I seem to have succeeded.” Carlos says with a smile, his wing scratching the back of his head.

Looking at me and then Carlos, Hildi transforms back and says, “In that case I won’t take any debt from you,” while shaking his hand.

“Kikiki, good thing we resolved this now. And you all!” She says, pointing at the rest of the patrons, “You get one free round on the house.”

There is cheering in the crowd as they put away their weapons and sit down again. Gundola then makes some hand signs toward the backstage area and a new band shows up.

Giving me a hug, Hildi looks at me worried, “I really can’t keep you out of my sight long, can I Sammy?”

“Sure, you can! These were just a string of unlucky coincidences.”

“Uhuh… If you say so.”

We listen a bit to the band and then walk up to our room. Going to sleep, I dream of being in a circus, watching different Fey perform.