Nora could feel the tension and the stress in the air as the students lined up to enter the gym turned examination hall. The air seemed stuffy or maybe it was her nerves suffocating her. It was hard to tell.
She looked around. Some students still had their last-minute flash cards, some played aimlessly with their water bottles, and some just prayed. Some were standing rigid and waiting, and a couple plonked on the floor as if waiting for their execution. Jonah was playing Candy Crush on his phone and Alex was snoozing whilst standing against the wall. Nora shook her head and envied the amount of fucks those boys gave to academics.
She heard the door open, and Rafe came in, taking a seat on one of the armchairs. Most were too nervous to sit. She stood further apart from most students, convinced their nervousness would rub off on her. Rafe spoke with some of his friends, but she could tell her was looking for her. As soon as they made eye contact, she gave him a small nod. He held her gaze and got up, making his way towards her.
She hoped he didn't pick this moment to talk about whatever it was they had left to talk about because her brain would combust.
"Hey," he said, leaning against the wall next to her.
"Hi."
"Nervous?"
"A little bit..." Nora said, resisting the urge to bite her thumb. She had read a couple of books on stress resilience and took tips from videos from pro athletes on reducing performance anxiety, but she was only human. "Are you?"
"Yeah. Kinda freaking out if I'm honest."
Nora smiled at his honesty. Nothing about the way he looked seemed like he was stressed.
"You'll do fine, Rafe."
Rafe blew out a sign and gave her a half smile. "Whatever happens in the exams, I just wanted to tell you that I uhâ I'm really grateful for your help. I couldn't have done anything without you."
"You're welcome," Nora said. "Break a leg."
Rafe winced. "I'd rather not, we've got the last match of the season after the exams."
Nora chuckled. "It's a saying."
"I know. It's a terrible one."
There was a short silence before he spoke again. "Come to the game if you aren't doing anything."
That suggestion alone was enough to lighten her mood. "I'll come."
Somehow their conversation felt so formal. Is this how everything between them will end? It wasn't such a bad ending. At least it didn't end in any drama. Their friendship or whatever it was fizzing out naturally, going back to just being classmates, and once he's out, she'll be someone he'll have on his Facebook friends and that's all she's ever going to be.
"All right people line up and have your ID cards ready, I hope you've had your bathroom trips and removed the labels off of your water bottles," their deputy head teacher's voice boomed across the hall making the students even more jittery. "I want no funny business."
* * *
Once the exams had finished time seemed to fast forward. It was already the middle of the spring term and Nora made her way to the final, anticipated match of the season against St Paul's school. She had been to Rafe's games before and knew that they would bring victory home in this match too. Rafe was a talented player, and the rest of the team was equally formidable.
Even though they were no longer pretending they didn't exist, they had been seeing less of each other since the tutoring finished. Ever since his confession, it was harder to go back to the way they were before, to how natural it was to be around each other.
Rafe would rarely spend time with her and Benny. Nora acknowledged his clique and from time to time would have a chat with them if Jack wasn't around, but that's as far as she went even though Amber and Luke had been insistent that she go to parties with them.
No mention of the nature of their relationship had been mentioned since that night, and Nora wondered if he was over her. Because she wanted Rafe more and more, and it was scaring her. After feeling that distance between herself and Rafe, she yearned to close it.
She wondered if she could change back the time to his birthday party, what she would've said differently? Let's give it a shot? I like you too, I've just been too much of a coward to admit it?
Would they still be dating if she had said yes? Would they be bickering all the time?
Then again, he hadn't bought up the subject so maybe he hadn't liked her that much. Maybe she overestimated his feelings compared to hers. In a way, it was a relief, but it was being drowned by heavy, consuming disappointment.
She made her way through the crowd to find a good seat on the benches. Benny had always joined her to watch the game, but he left to visit Simon this weekend, so she had to go out on her own. As she looked for a place to sit, she spotted William sitting with Amy, waving her to come over and patting the empty seat next to him.
"Thanks, I didn't expect this many people," Nora said breathlessly as she reached them.
"Final match of the season," he said with a wistful smile. She felt sorry for William, who would give anything to be out there on the field. Before Rafe, he had been the football team captain for three years. He should've been out there too.
Their boys came out in crisp white uniforms with blue stripes on the sleeves and the school's logo on their chest. By the end of the match, the shirts would be dirty with mud and sweat, and Nora would try her best to resist the urge to tear them off and soak them in warm water with washing powder. It never made sense to her to have white uniforms for such a dirt-prone sport.
She spotted Rafe coming into the field, laughing about something with his mates. Nora couldn't help but think how good he looked, his hair was messy, his lopsided smile magnetic.
His walk languid but confident. He looked at the admiring crowd that went crazy for him and wondered if he was looking for her. After a couple of minutes, their eyes, met and she gave him a smile. He shoved his hands into his pockets and sent her a quick wink. It was enough to warm her cheeks in the chilly breeze.
The whistle blew and the players spread around the field.
Nora's eyes eagerly followed Rafe's every move. It amazed her how much stamina he hadârunning, manoeuvring, tackling. She'd get scared every time someone crashed into him, or he hit the ground, William's bruises and his leg in a cast fresh in her mind. But Rafe would effortlessly jump up and brush himself off.
He'd shout a few swear words in Italian or grin wolfishly whenever they had the advantage or a goal. Sometimes he could barely reign in his temper and got dangerously close to getting into a fight.
She couldn't concentrate on the game for long. Her thoughts went back to the one thing that had been on her mind since they finished the exams. The entry results. She only had eyes for the London School of Law and Rafe had his eyes on London Business School. She didn't want to jinx herself by being so sure of herself, but she had little doubt that the letter of acceptance was waiting for her somewhere. This was all she worked for. Prepared for. Focused on. She was made for this university. She had dedicated two years of her life to get in.
But Rafe?
Would he get accepted? Was his application strong enough? Would he get a conditional offer? She wondered if Rafe's famous and powerful last name and wealth would entice the university. Or instead, if they read all those tabloids that paint Rafe terribly, would they want nothing to do with him?
"A penny for your thoughts? You look like you are about to rip the sleeves off of your shirt," William said, looking down at Nora's hands twisting and tugging at her sleeves.
She let out a nervous laugh.
"I'm just thinking about the universities. We should get acceptance letters tomorrow, and I'm just sick to my stomach wondering. I don't think I will sleep tonight."
William quirked an eyebrow. "Nora, I don't think you have anything to worry about. If you don't get into LSL, then god help the rest of us."
"Iâ well, yeah I guess," she muttered looking over at Rafe arguing with the ref.
"Oh. It's not yourself you're worried about are you?"
She shook her head. "I just don't want to let him down. He's worked so hard..."
After a moment, he leaned close to her ear. "I'm not supposed to do this but...you're a friend."
"Do what?" she whispered back, leaning closer. It warmed her to think he thought of her as a friend.
"The acceptance letters are already here. I'm helping Mr Atkins sort them out. I have access to his office. Want to stop torturing yourself?"
She looked at him with wide eyes. Of course. The school's Head Boy would be the headmaster's assistant and have all the information. Why didn't she think of that before?
She grabbed Will's hand. "Really? You'd do that? Won't we get in trouble?"
"We'll be in a lot of trouble if we get caught. But we'll be quick. Whilst the game is on, there's no one in school. They're all here," he said and gestured at the line of teachers sitting in the front lines cheering on the team.
Nora's heart quickened with excitement. She hated breaking rules and would never consider something as outrageous as sneaking into the headmaster's office, but she would be out of this school soon so she didn't have much to lose.
She wanted to be the first to deliver Rafe the news, no matter what it was.