Chapter 70: Part two//Â "You're breaking my heart"
I shake my head, it can't be true. He can't be dying.
I drop down to my knees, I hear Elliott's mom cry at the surgeon's words. Her sobs shaking through the walls in the room.
I place both my hands on the floor to sturdy myself as I sob. My hand was over my mouth to stop the painful sounds I was making. My pain echoed through the room.
I wrap my arms around my stomach feeling so much pain.
"Miss this isn't good for..." A nurse comes rushing to me.
"You don't know what's good for me" I scream, thumping my fists against the floor.
It can't be true.
Life without Elliott, was a world without color. How can we all loose him after how hard we've worked to get him back?
It was the sudden crash that got me to look up.
Daniel had thrown a chair against the wall; he punches the wall repeatedly, the skin on his hand being cut at his own force.
His forehead was against the wall.
The doctor explains what went wrong and why they can't save him. I try and listen in but I don't understand. They should be able to save him. He is supposed to live.
In the great words of the Buddha "The trouble is you think you have time"
*
Everyone went in individually to say goodbye to Elliott as he has woken up from the anesthetics as too many people together can cause too much stress for the patient.
It's all just a matter of time before his heart will no longer be strong enough to beat.
I ask to go last because I need to compose myself. I can't be this shattered mess in front of him.
People are walking around but I sit blankly at one of the seats looking at a single spot on the floor.
Elliott's mom comes out the room in a shattered mess, as her other son, Jack's arms are around her guiding her in the right direction.
Jack's eyes meet mine and I see they are rimmed bright red. He's losing his only brother.
After a while the door of Elliott's room swings open and Daniel walks out. As the door closes behind him, he sinks to the wall beside it.
There's no way we can comfort each other. There are no words to say that will make things better.
I force myself to stand up and walk up to my brother.
"Daniel," I say softly.
"We were meant to go to Uni together, we were meant to make stupid decisions together. Cress do you know he had asked me to the best man at his wedding, at your wedding?" Daniel leans his head back against the wall.
"Yet now there won't be a wedding, Elliott won't live to be 19. He'll never get the chance to have kids like he always wanted. He won't get to study at some fancy math school. He won't be there for me" Daniel shut his eyes tightly as if he was trying to block out all the pain he was feeling. Even I knew it was impossible.
"He wants to see you. He wants you to be the last person he sees" Daniel comment.
I feel my chest tighten, as I go over to the door of his room and carefully place my hand on the metal of the door handle. I didn't think I had the strength to see him like this. So broken.
I slide the door open and he was already looking at me. His eyes light up like thousands of tiny crystals when he sees me. A smile erupting on his face.
There's oxygen being given to him form the pipe connecting to nose, so many drips are connected to him.
"Dawson" He smiles weakly. There was no color in his usually tanned face and his eyes were missing that mischievous gleam.But he was still smiling.
He doesn't reach out his hand but he opens his hand for me to hold.
I look at him, he was usually so strong, he was always able to lift me over his shoulder or carry me and let me tell you I want the lightest thing in the world. Yet now he didn't have the strength to lift his own hand up.
I rush to him and grab his hand and gently fall into a hug. I place my head in the crook of his neck as I silently sob.
He can't lift his arm as too much movement can cut minutes off the few hours he has left. I gently place a soft kiss on his lips, maybe even the last kiss.
"I love you, Dawson, forever" He whispers in my ear.
I look up at him, I see his heartbreak in his eyes as he looks at me upset.
"You're going to be okay aren't you. You're going to be fine. You'll get better Elliott, tell me" I beg him shaking my head.
His smile drops off his lips and he just looks at me not answering my question.
"I need to talk to you about some things Cress"
I nod as my bottom lip quivers when I attempt to open my mouth.
"You need to promise me you'll love. You won't do anything to your own life Cress, swear to me you won't harm yourself"
Oh, Elliott, I had it all planned until the nurse told me.
I nod slowly.
"You will live your life as best as you can't without me. Marry someone, love again"
I shake my head in horror "I'll never love again"
He gives me a crooked smirk "Promise me, you'll marry someone one day, you just can't love them more than you ever loved me"
I swallow the lump in my throat, there was something I had to tell him. But would I be selfish to tell him? How could he ever think I will love anything more than him?
I found my soul mate, there isn't another one out there for me. Everyone gets one soul mate and mine is dying.
"I'm not going to make it, I always thought I had this kinda fucked up life, with my parents being apart. My grandad always after me then Aaron, I had a deranged half brother but sometimes I'd sit here and thing if I keep going I'll make it out. I'll be free, and I'll make a better life for myself. And then I met you and you were my shot at a better life"
Yeah now I'm sobbing. Thanks Elliott.
His words are going in one ear and out the other as I try and make a final decision about telling him.
Maybe I should never let him know. Yet it would eat me up on the inside forever not to tell him.
Half of it is his anyway, he has a right to know, even if it breaks his heart.
"Elliott" I say his name carefully.
"Here comes sit on the bed and stop acting like I'm so delicate you're being stupid babe" He says looking at space on the bed.
I sit down and look at him. This was going to shatter him.
"Elliott there's something serious I need to tell you and I don't know how to it's hard..." I begin.
"Were you cheating on me, Cress?" He asks carefully.
"Elliott..." I begin looking horrified at him.
"I knew a girl like you could never fall for me. I am such a stupid..."
I place his face in both my hands to he stops looking around the room.
"Stop blabbering Elliott I love you more than I will ever love anything and you don't you dare even think I would ever cheat"
"Well then tell me..." he rolls his eyes, well at least he can do that.
I bite my lip and fiddle with my earring.
"I'm pregnant Elliott, I'm going to have a baby"
There's silence.
His eyebrows crease in confusion as if he didn't understand.
"Is it mine?"
I try and let go of his hand so I can slap some sense into this boy. Instead, he grips onto my hand.
"Is it mine, Crescent?" His eyes focused on mine as he looks at me in all seriousness.
"There is no way it couldn't be"
And that's the first time I see a tear slip out his eyes. If it were another guy's baby it wouldn't be fatherless. Maybe Elliott wanted it to be someone else's child so they could have a dad.
To see Elliott cry was such a foreign thing that it was terrifying.
I didn't even know if I wanted children, but Elliott always told me he was so keen on it. Yet now he would never get the chance to meet his child.
I wipe each one of his tears away as he couldn't do it himself.
How am I going to live without this crazy boy? How am I going to raise a child at 18 years old when I have so many aspirations for my life?
"You didn't want a kid till you were much older, we were careful"
Maybe the child would be the only thing keeping me here.
"Sh... Don't cry" I tell him trying to hold it together for his sake. I wanted the last time I saw him be a happy moment.
"Do you remember how we started talking again?" I ask him.
"Dawson I was shot in the heart not I'm my brain"
I laugh through my tears at that.
"You slept with Aribella and Winter and then you said you'll call them if you need them again. Then when I walked past Aribella spilled the water one me. You came out to see me"
"I took you to the boys changing room and gave you spare clothes. Don't think I forgot that red bra"
There it's that grin that I adore.
"The next day you came to my house and you threw rocks at my window. My mom was on the phone at the same time as you and called you Mr. Sexy voice before you drove me to school" I roll my eyes.
"We had social dancing and you were my partner in the end. Remember I told you I had your name tattooed on my ass"
Of course, he only remembers that.
"That day in biology when you decided to be my partner and Carter got sent out of class. Then that weekend you took me to Aribella's party"
I smile to myself at the memory of the party where Elliott stopped Aribella from hitting me.
"I pissed you off so I invited you to the football game where you promised me a blowjob" He frowns at me.
I did not, I just remember comparing a threesome to football.
"Carter asked me to the dance and then you put fake tan in my lotion"
"You got back at me by climbing through my window"
"Then at the dance, you started a food fight" I laugh. He looks at me proudly, because only Elliott could start a food fight and get away with it.
"You got angry at me" Elliott pouts at me.
"You nearly killed us then the next day you were kissing Aribella up again the wall"
He rolls his eyes when I mention kissing Aribella.
"Remember when we got kicked out the bookstore" Elliott asks.
"And then Alec and Daniel followed us and you boys were dancing in Walmart"
That will always be my favorite memory and that's all this was anymore. Memories we would both hold on until one day we meet again.
"I took you on that fake date and we met Charlotte"
His face sinks, he'll never get the chance to see Charlotte, no one was able to get hold of her.
"You remember when I tripped you up in hockey and then Aribella hit you with her stick" I change the topic.
"That fake date will always be my favorite date with you Dawson. Then on your birthday, I gave you that necklace. And you are those brownies" Elliott eyes my necklace that I always wear. The wolf glowing for the Crescent Moon.
"Somehow I ended up in bed with Carter and you the next morning. When we went back to school you pretended it was international pick up line day"
"Hey that's a real thing" Elliott frowns. Sure it is.
I didn't mention when I followed Daniel to the boxing arena and that's when I first came across Ryan, Elliott looked like he didn't want to talk about that as well.
"We went on the field trip and coach told us off for PDA even though we weren't even kissing"
"Yeh I wish we were doing PDA" he mutters.
"You remember that time Daniel and you screamed in class cause of the bee" I laugh out loud at the memory.
"You know that same afternoon when we were stuck in school because of the storm that was the day I realized I couldn't live without you" Elliott explains.
"We finally had our first kiss at the football game when you did it in the most cliché way ever"
"Yeh then Daniel beat the shit out of me"
"The next day you took me ice skating" I smile at the memory.
"I started sitting at your table from then on, hey wasn't that around the time we nearly fucked in the art closet"
I blush scarlet at his words, yes it was around that time.
"Finally I took you on our first date, in the middle of nowhere"
Best first date ever obviously.
All happiness drops off my face as I remember what came next in our life.
"The dance, where you found out about the bet" Elliott frowns.
I wasted so much time being angry at him when instead we could have made more memories together. Those that I would need to hold on to now. When I would feel more alone than anything.
"And you left"
"I never stopped thinking about you, my life was consumed with the thought of you. It was when I came back and saw Ryan's hands on you. I could have killed him. When I enter the dance I see you with Conner by your side and I thought it was all over, I lost the only thing I ever cared about"
"But then you came and sat next to me when I sat alone and I realized you can't just get over a love like ours"
Elliott's words were very true, not many people love the way Elliott and I do.
"The wedding was when I realized no matter how much I pushed you away, you were always meant to have some part in my life"
"You told me you loved me when we in the taxi on the way to the hospital" Elliott grins.
"I did and when we got back home you got me Elliscent"
My heart sinks. Elliscent loves Elliott more than me, how was she going to react never seeing Elliott again.
"You tell that dog, I fucking loved her, and give her lots of treats on my behalf anyway you brought Cater to your house on Christmas, hey I kissed Daniel at Christmas"
Yeah, he always seems to be very proud of that.
"We went to Paris" I tell him.
"And we had lots of sex in Paris and I also proposed to you"
"You asked me to prom and as we can see that was a disaster"
"Now here we are" Elliott says. "Dawson I'm so tired but I never want to close my eyes. Come lie beside me, don't be careful, I'm unbreakable"
I carefully shuffle next to him, lying on the hospital pillow looking into his eyes that contained all the stars in the sky.
"At least now I didn't just save one life but two" He says sadly.
"So what should I call it" I ask him trying to distract his mind.
"'It', please Cress give my child some more respect. Hmmm I dunno, oh wait fuck it we'll do what your parents did and name them after the place I proposed to you Paris" I laugh gently.
"And if it's a little boy" I ask.
Elliott scowls "I want a little girl, who will look just like her mom, with big gorgeous brown eyes and long brown hair which we will never let her dye. I want her to love reading book and have a gorgeous smile like yours. But if is a little boy maybe Sean or river" Elliott suggests.
"Well, I hope it's a blue-eyed boy who looks just like you" I tell Elliott.
"Whatever it is I know, you'll be a great mom, though I will come and haunt you Cress if you don't make Daniel the godfather. Heck Jack is gong to be shocked I'll be a dad before him"
"Hear that baby I'm always going to be here, you just won't see me" Elliott says.
"Dawson I have promise for you. When you wake up from death, you will find yourself in my arms, and I will most likely be kissing you"
"You promise Elliott that we will meet again"
"I swear on it Dawson, this isn't the end for us" He tightens his grip on my hand, the promise reflecting in his eyes with o much passion. And I believe him.
I believe me and Elliot were meant for each other some place in time and space and one day we'll have our happily ever after, but our time isn't now. The world is a cruel place. I believe he was supposed to be my last love, the person I should have grown old with. Now I see I fell in love with him too soon, my eyes landed on him before they were supposed to and we fucked everything up because fate wasn't ready for us.
It was like we were perfect for each other but the universe wanted to tear us apart.
Maybe Elliott wasn't meant to come after me that day if things were different and we met when we were older it would have been right. He would have been right for me and would have been right for him.
Yet I can't come to regret a single moment we have had.
"I'll see you on the other side of the stars Dawson" The words leave his mouth softly, calmly. But those words hit us both at the same time.
And our time is up.
His parents are the first to come in, followed by Jack. Daniel and the other boys, Winter and Emily are next. And the rest of the football team crowd in.
"I really don't want to die, I don't deserve this" He pleads with me as I get off the bed.
"You're breaking my heart" I whisper.
"You were the best Quarterback" Alec shakes his head.
"You'd put us before yourself" Carter remarks.
"If it wants for you I wouldn't even be alive Elliott Grayson" Conner tells him.
"We will never forget you" Aidan comments "You are our brother"
"Don't go Elliott please don't go. I love you you fucking bastard I love you so much" Daniel begs Elliott as tears slip down his bloodshot eyes. He stands with the rest of the football team. His shirt of full of blood and there are cuts all over his face.
"You'll I'll always be my best mate, Daniel Dawson"
I shake my head, crying he can't leave Daniel and me "Don't leave me, Elliott, I won't be able to do it without you. I need your love, Elliott. Stay with me and I'll promise to love you forever, I will never let you go again, Elliott" I exclaim.
"I can't breathe" He whispers
His grip on my hand was slipping, he was slipping away from me.
"Please Dawson save me" He breathes a sharp breath. His eyes are fluttering as if he is actually going to die, but he can't he just can't.
"Elliott look at me" I choke out, he looks at me, so much pain in his eyes.
Ad he flickers his eyes open for the last time.
"We all love you" I tell him, his mum is sobbing from the other side of his bed as she holds his hand.
Seeing him close his eyes is like throwing water into a fire, his bright blue eyes that light up my world are gone.
He's asleep, I explain to myself.
"Keep fighting" Please Keep fighting Elliott.
The heart monitor is slowing, I could hear it and I panic harder, he really was leaving me now.
"You're ok Elliott. Just breath, open your eyes. Come back, Elliott. It's not over for us. It's okay. Wake up Elliott, please wake up. Don't do this to me, don't leave me. I love you"
His hands become limp in mine.
And then comes the long beep of the flat line.
"Come back" I scream, as I look at him, tears flowing out my eyes. I beg him to come back to me but he can no longer hear me. I keep holding on to him, people are pulling me away. But I can't let go if I leave him now, it will be all too real. The second he took his last breath, that was the moment my world went dark. "I still need you"
*
Elliott's funeral is tomorrow and graduation is today.
The graduation was outdoors, some people were happy they were graduating from high school, never coming back to this hellhole, yet Elliott will stay in high school forever.
Even this was a happy moment there was sorrow over everyone's head. The school's star Quarterback had passed away yesterday.
I was forced to come here, most of the time I sat in my bed blankly looking at the walls in my room, every corner of it containing some sort of memory.
I look at the grass as they call out my names. I look at people smiling as the headmaster congratulates them. How did they smile?
"Crescent Dawson"
Everyone looks at me in pity as I walk onto the stage; the headmaster gives me a sad smile. There were no words left.
"Daniel Dawson"
No one came on the stage, he refused to come.
They waited but I knew he wasn't going to show up.
They continue through the list of name.
"Elliott Grayson" The headmaster trails off at the end of his name. I look up at the sound of his name, my heart aches. I bite my lip but I can't help but cry. I wait for Elliott to miraculously show up on stage with a big gin on his face, mocking us all for thinking he's dead.
The someone comes out the shadows and walks onto the stage, he wasn't wearing the graduation hat or anything.
He walks forward to take the certificate.
"Elliott wanted me to take it" Daniel says lifelessly. And he walks off stage sitting where Elliott would have sat, while an empty chair lies next to me where my brother should have sat.
*
I put the black dress on, I wave my hands in front of my face trying to stop crying. The tears just wouldn't stop.
I was given something at graduation, it was a picture we took at prom. I just hadn't had the strength to open it yet and look at it.
I walk over to my drawer and pull out the picture.
There in the back rows stood Carter, Conner, Alec, Daniel, Aiden, and Elliott. Elliott had his arms wrapped around me as I stood in my prom dress. Emily stood in front of Carter and Aiden while Winter stood in front of Daniel.
All of us honestly smiling at the camera, then I take a closer look at the picture and see Elliott was smiling but he wasn't looking at the camera, instead, he was looking at me.
Elliscent chirps from behind me. I knew what she was looking for.
Elliscent hadn't spent more than a day with Elliott and maybe I hated to admit it but Elliscent loved Elliott more than me.
Elliott and my puppy's relationship was something that used to warm my heart.
The way he was so carefree and happy with her. And it now makes me think how he would have been with our child.
She keeps barking happily and usually I take her to see Elliott when she acted like this but what do I do now that there is no Elliott.
"Stop it, Elliott's not here. He's never going to be here again" I scream through the house. I throw the snow like that Elliott got me from Paris against the wall.
The glass shatters everywhere and small snowflakes fly everywhere.
I choke on my sobs as I rest my back against the best and put my head on my knees.
Elliscent licks my cheeks from the top of the bed, I carefully lift her up and put her in my lap hugging her tightly.
We both lost someone.
*
I could barley make it through the funeral. Maybe it would have been better if I didn't go. I don't think it was good for me to have gone.
It was seeing him in the coffin that made me nearly break down.
But the things that took the last straw away from me was when they were lowering the coffin into the ground.
I lost my head at that point as I tried to run for the coffin not wanting it to go, they couldn't take Elliott away. They were burying him.
Carter, Conner, and Aiden all had to securely hold me back so I didn't jump in the grave with Elliott's coffin.
That was yesterday, now Alec and I stood in front of Elliott's grave.
The window blows in my hair as I stare at it.
In loving memory of Elliott Grayson. 1998 - 2017.
I shakily place down the flowers that I brought and stay there for a moment. He was gone.
I now realize the difference between goodbye and letting go. Goodbye, is "I'll see you again when I can hold you again. When letting go was 'I'll miss you. And you will never be mine to hold again"
I choke out another cry covering my mouth. Alec helps me up as I take another glance at the gravestone.
Beneath the date of his death, it said "Hottest guy who ever lived, but taken, sorry ladies"
Only Elliott would have Daniel to put that at the bottom of his gravestone. I give a sad smile through my tears.
There was a piece of my heart that belonged to Elliott when he was here and it will always belong to him. As the days, weeks, and moths will goy buy that piece of my heart will only beat when I think of him, all our memories? All the times spent tangled in each other's arms, the time we laughed too hard we couldn't breathe. That piece of my hear will only beat for him.
I could imagine Elliott laughing at me right now for crying.
I'm the last one to leave the funeral, so many tears so may hugs so many 'Are you ok's". Slowly I make my way to my car, I drove it here with Alec and Aidan but they're long gone now.
I slowly unlock my car, why does it still smell like Elliott in here?
I take a seat in the drivers seat and stop, I just stop.
Breathe... is all I repeat. 'Breathe Crescent'. If not for you do it for the baby.
With a shaky lip I start the car, my foot goes to touch the pedals, but I feel something under the seat. I bend down and lift up a sweatshirt.
My first date. The winter dance when he returned. Our first night in Paris.
I lift my legs on to the seat, touching my face as I place my chin on my knees.
"Don't cry Crescent.. don't cry"
I place the sweatshirt against my chest, and tuck my face in to my knees. "I can't have you yet, I can go through with you" I tell my non existent bump, but even though I can't see it yet it's there. "I can't have you but you're all I have left"
"I'm not ready for you but I can't lose you"
I hug the sweatshirt and my knees, and I just silently sob. All I see is his face in my mind, all I see is his smile and I can't take it.
Aaron warned me that he would kill Elliott if I got back with Elliott. It's my fault, everything is my fault. I don't deserve this baby, I deserve to suffer for falling for Elliott in the first place. Elliott was everything and I have always been nothing.
Rain starts to fall, and it splashes off my car.
Elliott and I, we never started, I've spent most of my life hating him, thinking he was here to hurt me. He's tease me and push me about. But it was only ever because he loved me, it was his way of showing me he loved me.
"I'm so sorry Elliott. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how important you were to me"
My phone lights up beside me, I look at it and see a facebook post from my aunt.
The photo has a caption of 'We're sorry for you're loss, alleys thinking of Elliott and you. No-one loved anyone more than you darling, always here x"
I look at the professional photo that I have never seen before. It's from Jack and Tiffany's weeding.
I'm piled in to Elliott's arms, my arms are wrapped around his neck as his arms are supporting me. Elliott's hair is falling in his face because I'm in his arms and mine is hanging down. We're in a dangerous potion but I have never looked less scared. He's halfway walking down a step, in his suit, me in my dress and we're gazing at each other with the biggest, goofiest, most loving smiles ever. All the stars from the sky have been places in our eyes.
This was meant to be when I was still with Conner, yet there I am smiling at the guy that broke my heart. There I am loving him even though I denied it. There I am with Elliott who is no longer here.
I should have loved harder, laughed louder, forgave faster.
We've always loved each other, and we will always love each other.
There's just no more us, no more kisses, no more hugs, no more goodnight texts, no more stupid fights, no more "I'm sorry". No more chances.
Author note:
All the chapters are up now