Author note: This is a special update. It's for the 2 year anniversary of the Quarterbacks girl, woohoo! (Though it was technically a few days ago)
The reason I have decided to upload this never seen before the chapter is because there is a secret I have been holding in this book and I thought I would announce it in the prequel. But I'm not going to write prequels and I don't think I'm going to continue with the sequel either.
So here is the secret in this chapter I have been holding on for a long time.
This chapter is after you know who's dead. Also, the flashback is between Elliott's death, pretty much just before prom and just after the proposal.
Thank you all for still loving this book and I think this will be the last time I update this book.
*
"River Grayson, please stop running around" I shout at my son. I throw my arms up in the air in defeat. He was prancing around his bedroom in his underwear while I was attempting to get him ready for his first day of school. Even at the age of 5, he knew school was somewhere he didn't want to go.
And honestly, I didn't want him to go to school either. I have always protected my son so fiercely and I was terrified that someone would hurt him.
I once thought no one could hurt Elliott but we all know that wasn't true.
I also didn't want River to go to school cause the house would feel so lonely without him running around. I snap out of my thoughts knowing that I had to get him ready and take him to see Daniel before I took him to school.
"Come here little man" I lift him up and get him to stand in front of me. I tickle him slightly, which makes him giggle the corners of his blue eyes creasing as he smiles.
I have to blink twice to remember it was my son's eyes I was looking in to and not Elliott's.
I kiss him on the nose before I put on his shirt and he scrunches his nose and pushes me away from him. He uses his chubby little hand to wipe my kiss away from his nose.
I slip his shirt on and button it up for him. He really was a chubby little thing. He begins to talk about Daniel and tell me how excited he was about seeing him.
I grab the tie from the desk beside me and wrap it behind him. I begin to quickly create a tie knot. I was just about the wrap the longer end of the tie around the shorter end until I stop. I felt a small sense of déjà vu.
*****
(Flashback)
Elliott was pacing around the room; he was throwing papers together as he was also slipping his shirt on to his half-naked body. He attempts to quickly do up the buttons but realizes he's out some of them in the wrong place which makes him swear viciously.
I lay on my stomach on my bed and used my hands to cup my chin as I looked at him. How could you look that good? Like please let me have abs like those!
His dark brown hair was in his eyes as he continued to rush around the room. He's finally buttoned up his shirt properly and he shoves a pile of paper inside his bag. He quickly turns around and nearly falls over his own feet. He quickly composes himself as he leans down to zip up our suitcase.
It's never seen him so nervous and rushed.
I finally can't take it anymore and grab his tie from the side table. I stand directly in front of him.
"Calm down Elliott" I reassure him. I stand on my tiptoes and wrap the tie around his neck and under his shirt collar. I gently and delicately twist the fabric to create the perfect knot for a tie.
He stops rushing around as I handle his tie and he looks down at me watching me carefully. Even after knowing Elliott my whole life, his gaze still terrified me. It was the most intense thing I have ever seen.
I finally look up at him once I have finished with the fabric and let it hang perfectly down his shirt.
"What?" I finally ask meeting his blue-eyed gaze.
He doesn't say anything for a few moments, which is odd for Elliott as his mouth is always running ahead of him. He continues to just look at me until he leans forward and gives me a soft kiss on the nose, he leans back. I bring my hand up to rub my nose, as it was ticklish.
He laughs out loud at my reaction "Because you're beautiful soon to be Mrs. Grayson"
I let out a small sigh of relief, at least he was joking around.
"You're being so moody, where is the Elliott I'm going to marry?" I shove his shoulder and cross my arms pouting slightly.
He runs a hand over his face. " I just want this interview for the university to go well. I want to go to New York with you Dawson. I just want this place so bad"
I could hear the desperation in his voice. He had already gotten into the uni, well technically. But he wanted to do an advanced course alongside it, if he isn't accepted for it he'll have to stay here.
He and Daniel had gotten into the math degree of their choice but Elliot wanted to take an extra math degree along with it. Something to do with statistics I'm sure. And he had an interview tomorrow. So we are both going to drive down to New York tonight and stay a couple of nights at Elliott's dad's hotel.
It was obvious Elliott was really stressed about getting the place, he wants it so bad. For some insane reason, math is Elliott's passion. My weird fiancé.
I knew he was going to get the place; he was a bloody math genius. What more could they want from him?
"What if the guy interviewing me is some crabby old guy, that hates hot teenage boys?" Elliott asks. God, he really was thinking the worst of the situation.
"Elliott, you'll be fine. You won me over so I think you can win some crabby old guy over"
"God, Dawson. I didn't know you wanted to get rid of me that bad. You're shipping me with old men now"
His joke wasn't funny but it was when he said the word 'shipping' I laugh out loud. I really was rubbing off on him.
He suddenly wraps his arms around my shoulders and I breathe in his scent. Holding me tightly against him.
Was it possible that I loved him so much that I couldn't bare to be away from him? I love him unconditionally and with everything. I couldn't ever tell him how much I loved him, how I could ever put that love in towards. And the thought of never having met Elliott terrifies me.
"Here Dawson why the hell are you crying?" Elliott asks concern lacing his tone.
I mutter that I'm fine but he pulls me away from me and gives me a questioning glance.
"I just love you too much" I mumble.
"And I love you more than anything else there is Dawson"
I feel like I can never describe how much he actually means to me. This stupid annoying and wonderful guy. Elliott, It will always be Elliott. He's stolen my heart and I will never get it back.
Suddenly Elliscent comes barking into the room and immediately runs up to Elliott. Favoritism.
Elliott swoops her up and kisses her fur as she rubs her nose against him. He was hugging the poor dog so hard it looked like he was going to suffocate her. Their relationship was the cutest thing I have ever seen.
I can't say anyone loves Elliott as much as me with the exception of Elliscent.
And I knew Elliott was terrified of the thought of leaving our puppy with Daniel for a few days. Soon enough Elliscent jumps out of Elliott grip and waddles out the room on her tiny legs.
Elliott rolls up the sleeves of his shirt and grabs our suitcase in one hand and my hand in the other and we're both off to New York.
*
I wait in the main office as Elliott was away at his interview. I was chewing on the skin around my nail so hard I felt like my finger was about to start bleeding.
It has been quite a while since Elliott has been in the room and I hope he hadn't let the nerves get the best of him.
Wait a second this is Elliott I'm thinking about not myself. He was probably going to boss this interview. Nevertheless, I always worried.
Elliott was the irrational one in the relationship and I was the worrier. We worked properly together.
Soon I see a dark-haired boy coming down the corridor. I'm on my feet scurrying towards him. He was frowning looking at his shoes.
My heart breaks for him.
"Oh, Elliott..." I begin. It was going to be okay. I'd stay with him and do a different engineering degree. I wouldn't leave.
"I got in Dawson" He beams a smile at me his frown vanishing.
I shove him "Elliott really, I thought you didn't get the place"
"I know Dawson I love messing with you. But I mean who wouldn't want to have me in their course. I'm motherfucking awesome"
"Then why did you take so long," I ask as he grabs on to my hand happily swinging it as we leave the office.
"I think she wanted to try and seduce me. Don't give me that look, Cress, I made it very clear I was engaged to the greatest women in the world. Enough about that, Dawson I'm going to be going to uni with you. It just seems like you can't get rid of me" He beams showing me a glowing smile.
We both enter the car and he sits on the driving seat as I sit in the passenger seat. Elliott starts the car while I reach under my seat and pull out a small box with a bow stuck on the top.
Elliott raises an eyebrow when he sees it.
"What's that Dawson," He asks.
"Open it and see dumbass" I smile.
"Is it something kinky" Elliott wiggles his eyebrow at me. I want to know what he thought could fit in that tiny box.
He takes it from me and chucks the bow aside and opens it up.
He holds the present in his hand and looks at it closely. His eyes immediately catch the engraving on the inside of the face of the watch.
'Love you forever, Quarterback' â Dawson.
"I... Dawson. I can't accept this"
Does he not understand? He got me a dog; he got me a wedding ring. Heck, he got me a hoodie with his name on it. I knew he would be picky in accepting something from me. I wasn't doing it as means of payback but, it was just a gift from the bottom of my heart.
He had been looking at this watch for a while now and was going to buy it. Instead, I decided to buy it and give it to him if he got the uni place. I think what was more important was the personal engraving on the inside.
"Well I bought it for your and you have to accept it" I say with finality. "So come on put it on, Elliott"
Elliott frowns as he removes his old one and puts on the new watch.
"You don't like it?" I ask trying not to show my disappointment.
"No no, Cress I adore it. I won't take it off ever but I thought it was going to be something like handcuffs" He grins.
"Handcuffs?" I question him. why would I have...oh?
"Elliott stop it. Your so inappropriate" I shake my head but I can't help but laugh.
"I'll make deal with you Dawson, you get the handcuffs and ill get the policewomen outfit. I'll even throw in a prisoner outfit for myself" He winks at me as he starts the car.
"Shouldn't you be wearing the policeman outfit and I be wearing the prisoner outfit seeing as ill be the one handcuffed"
He looks at me wide-eyed. "You shouldn't have said that. I will be waiting tonight now that you've made me hopeful"
"Your such an idiot Elliott"
"I'm your idiot Crescent and don't you forget it ever. So let's go for lunch" Elliott tells me. I just nod, I was starving.
"You'll never guess what's on the menu Dawson"
"What Elliott Grayson"
"Me-n-u"
"Oh no I thought you were over this Elliott"
"Never, now wait till you hear this one Dawson, you'll be pissing yourself"
*
We both leave the restaurant form dinner hand in hand having celebrated Elliott's acceptance into the course of his dreams.
Outside I'm surprised to see Daniel standing there. He waves at Elliott and me when he sees us. He walks up to us swiftly.
"What are you doing here and what have you done with Elliscent"
"Nice seeing you too little sis and your best friend Winter stole your dog from me. Stupid Ginger"
"There's a huge firework display today in the name of something. I don't know what it's for but I thought it would be nice if we could all go. " Elliott tells me. I see his cold breath as a white smoke in the air.
"That sounds like a great idea" I smile I was also happy because Daniel was here. For whatever reason, he really was here.
I've felt like ever since Elliott and I began dating that Daniel and my relationship is getting stronger.
We eventually make it to the firework sight; there were actually quite a lot of people here. It seemed to be an annual event.
Elliott's arms were around me holding me against him while Daniel stood on my other side.
"Looks like the 3 of us are stuck together for another 4 years" Daniel jokes. "I can never get rid of you little sis, can I?"
"I'm sadly your other half Daniel. Literally, you cant just cut me off"
'And why would I want to my brother" asks me ruffling my hair.
"Hey, do you remember that time at the party when Daniel was drunk..." Daniel and I both already know what Elliott was talking about.
It was the time when Daniel got completely whipped out drunk. He kept coming up to me and telling me he recognized me from somewhere. He asked me when my birthday was and when I told him he was amazed that it was the same day as him.
Daniel groans at the meme Roy. Honestly, my brother was unbelievably funny when he as drunk.
I think it was because Daniel cared about me so much that he always put on a hard front. In a way, he always wanted to protect me. He wanted to protect me so badly that it blinded him from what was actually hurting me.
"Look" Elliott points at a firework going up into the sky with a colorful bang. Instead, I still look at Elliott's face, as he gets over excited over a firework. The way his eyes light up and his smile widens.
Eventually, he looks down at me "What?"
"I still get butterflies even though I've seen you a hundred times" I share my thoughts with him.
"I mean what's the point in my drop dead gorgeous looks if I couldn't give you butterflies"
"How are you mine Elliott Grayson?" I ask him, really deeply asking because it didn't seem like I deserved such a great and bright person.
"Stop talking like that Dawson. I'm never going anywhere. I'm going to love you fully, every single day forever. Your stuck with me"
"I don't know how and why but you were meant for me Elliott and I was destined for you"
"And though I'm unsure about the future Dawson, and most things in my life. I am certain I love you and will love you forever"
Elliott leans down and presses his cold lips softly against mine and I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back.
"Do you two ever stop kissing? You have forever for that, just don't do it in front of me" Daniel says from behind me.
I laugh and lean my forehead against Elliott and look into his eyes.
Elliott was trouble; he came into my life to shake up everything. Not only mine but Daniel's life too. And without him Daniel I would be nowhere near as close as we are now. I would never be the person I am now. Elliott was trouble and trouble never looked so god damn fine.
I have forever with the quarterback and another firework shoots up and blasts beautiful colors into the sky.
(End of flashback).
******
"Mommy why are your eyes crying," River asks me, attempting to put on his jumper himself and seriously failing.
"I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye" I wipe the tears away quickly and he believes my lie.
"Come on we only have a few minutes before we miss seeing Daniel"
*
"You look so old, practically ancient in your uniform" Daniel jokes. "Your dad would be so proud of you for making it to the first year of school in one piece. Did you know Elliott had his arm in a sling on his first day"
"But that's really coooool" River says. He has never met him, but he admires his dad so much, Elliott was his own son's hero. But what did it matter, Elliott wasn't here to see it.
"What's wrong Cress?" Daniel asks. Honestly, what is right anymore?
"I was thinking about Elliot this morning. Did you know we would have graduated by now? Elliott would be this genius mathematician and I would be an engineer. We'd all come home and then I'd get pregnant. Not at 18"
I say feeling my eyes water. I would never regret River, he was the only thing holding me together but I can't help but think about almost.
Almost... the worst word in the English dictionary. It has positive connotation but its never really enough. Your so close, yet so far.
"I was thinking about him the other day, it just seems like the world that was once filled with color is now grey. We are just enduring this life and hoping the next life will be better, at least that's what I do here"
I sit back in my chair. My brother was known as a murderer. He's killed 2 people, Aaron and Ryan. Yet he wasn't murderer, not in my eyes.
I need Daniel; I need him to help me raise my son. I need him to remind me and my son of Elliott but I also didn't have him either. They have locked him away when deep down he is truly innocent.
"We need to go, I don't want him to be late"
River pouts but hugs his uncle. I throw my arms around my twin and tell him to take care of himself and if he ever needs anything I am always here for him.
*
"Bye" I wave at River until it feels like my arm is about to fall off. I rush out the playground before anyone can see me cry. I don't know why I felt like this. It was just one of those days I guess.
I wrap my arms around myself as I rush out the playground. I look at my shoes as I rush towards my car. I'm not looking where I'm going so I end up bumping into a stranger. A very sweaty stranger.
He looks at me alarmingly with his green eyes. He removes his earplugs, it was obvious he was going for a jog.
I hadn't seen him in 5 years, well I'd seen him on TV, as a famous quarterback.
"Crescent, hey," He says breathlessly smiling at me.
"Conner" Is all I say.
"How are you? How is River?" He asks. I just shrug and mutter that he's fine. Carter, Alec, and Aiden had been a huge part of River's life but Conner had to move away for a while for football meaning he had barely been in any of my son's life.
Conner looked like he was going to say something else. "I need to go" I say hurriedly wanting to walk away but he holds on to my arm.
"You're not okay. I know I can tell" He looks at me like he actually cared. Like he actually had time for me.
"I'm fine" I reply angrily.
"I'm back in town for a while. I can catch up with you sometime today Cress. I still feel the loss too."
I look up at him, I saw that ghost of pain in his eyes we all had it. I bite my lip thinking.
"Maybe sometime. You're a busy quarterback anyway"
"I have time for you Crescent. I promised a long time ago I'd be your friend. Let me do that now." He says softly.
"Ok" Is all I reply handing me his phone and I type my number in. "Bye" I say before he can say another word.
I feel a buzz from the inside of my jeans pocket; I take out my phone and see one name from an unknown number
"Blondie"
*
The doorbell rings a few minutes after I enter the house. I walk towards the door and unlock it.
In front of me is standing Elliott's dad.
Elliott's dad was the funny granddad that every kid wanted. River adored him.
"Crescent, I was wondering if I can talk to you?" He asks. He had the same inky hair as Elliott yet I could see the white strands in it now.
"Yes come in" I guide him to the living room and sit down on one of the couches and he does on the other.
He takes a deep breath. " There is something I need to tell you. It's something I should have shared a long time ago, but it was my secret, you have to understand. It was mine and Brietta's secret"
My ears prick up at the sound of my mom's name.
"I'll try and understand" Is all I say.
I remember hearing that Elliott's dad was actually really like him. Elliott's dad used to be a player until he fell for one woman. My mom.
"Your mother Brietta, used to be wild Cress. She was everything, girls envied her, guys were falling head over heels but she could never stick to one guy. You could call yours and Daniel's mother something of a player. Always messing around with guys here and there"
Elliott's dad thankfully didn't decide to give me any details and I was happy about that. I have heard a lot of rumors about what my mom used to get up to and the only thing I have to say about it is you go gal!
"Yours and Daniel's father, Jordan had somehow caught your mom's eye. It was like she had made it her life mission to sleep with him. We were kids; it's what you do when you're young. And Jordan was also many closest friend, well he still is. Your mom and I had always been mutual friends"
He laughs out loud.
"We used to argue quite often, I loved winding her up. Maybe it was because I wanted her attention and I didn't realize it. Maybe I was already falling for her without realizing it. It always felt like we had this bond, your mom and I"
This was starting to sound a lot like Elliott and me, well sort of except at the beginning I despised Elliott.
"It wasn't until one day when we were playing a match and your mother was cheerleading something happened on the side while they were doing one of their fancy tricks and your mom fell. She couldn't get back up. I didn't know at the time it was to do with her illness that caused her to fall"
Elliott's dad stops for a moment to take a breath. I stare at the ground as I feel a sudden pang of hurt in my heart. I tried not to think about my mom too much but when I did it hurt really badly. Was Elliott's dad trying to hurt me? Why was he telling me all this?
"What was the condition my mom really had?"
"Multiple sclerosis, MS"
I bite my lip as I realize the seriousness of what she had. I was never told what was specifically wrong. It was kept away from me to not make me stress as much.
"At this point, we were in the middle of playing our game and it was an important match. I waited for Jordan, your dad Crescent to help her. They had gotten closer at this period in time. I was a little jealous of their relationship. But I was happy for my best friend he found a girl he was beginning to like. Cress your dad didn't help her. He looked Brietta dead in the eye and continued with the game."
I feel so sorry for mom; I can imagine her falling and no one being there for her. And no one knew of her condition, she always hid it from everyone
"I didn't do it for any wrong reason. I didn't do it because I was starting to develop a crush on her. None of these reasons. I cared about her as a person; she needed my help so I left the game, which wasn't the best thing for the team seeing as I was the quarterback. And I lifted her and took her inside. It was at that moment it dawned on me that I was falling in love with her"
"The second we got inside she forced herself to walk around shaking off the numbness in her legs acting like it was only a silly fall and I didn't try and force it out of her what was wrong. It was that night that something changed between us like some sort of bond had snapped in place. Like she was the only girl I could look at"
"Soon I felt like she was torn between Jordan and I. Things were getting awkward between Jordan and I. As Brietta and I got closer. Eventually, it all came to blows and Brietta had to choose one of us."
I knew where this story was heading now. My mom chose my dad, Jordan and she broke Jake's heart. When it was really Jake, Elliott's dad who truly loved her.
"She chooses Jordan" I whisper.
"Brietta chose me" Was all he says.
But that's not possible. That can't be possible. They didn't date did they, not truly. I thought my mom chose my dad. Or if....
"Where we siblings, Elliott and I"
"No. Elliott's mother is his mother and I am his father. And both your parents are Brietta and Jordan"
"Did mom cheat? Did you cheat?"
"No one cheated, Crescent"
"So how did you and mom not end up together," I ask softly. Something was wrong I saw the sadness in his eyes. There was something dark at the end of this story.
"I loved Brietta unconditionally, with all my heart. More than Elliott loved you, Cress if that's even possible but I did. I would have done anything for her. She was so vibrant and loud, always smiling and causing mischief wherever she went. She was wild and couldn't be tamed. We were the same, if I were to find the female version of my inner soul it would have been her"
"If I'm being honest Cress you remind me more of your dad. Sometimes I see a spark of your mother in you but Daniel. He has your mother's temper, I see so much of her in him."
"Everything between us was brilliant for a while. Your mother's condition was barely noticeable. She was fine. It wasn't until we got the news about the... Well, the..." He stops.
"Until she got pregnant," He says shaking his head. Was my mom pregnant at 18?
Oh, my. My mom was pregnant before Daniel and I. Did my mom cheat on Elliott's dad? Did Daniel, Elliott, Jack and I have another sibling connecting us all?
"Did you dump her? " I blurt out.
"Never. We were going to go through it together till the very end. I promised I will always stand by her. And I didn't. You don't understand the day they told us, it was the happiest day of my life. I was going to have a child with the women I loved. Though Brietta always had her doubts at firsts. It was like we were both in love but anything could separate us at any time. Elliott may be nearly exactly like me but even I wasn't blunt enough to get engaged at 18."
"I was always scared we might break up. But with the baby, I knew it would hold us together. I would do anything for her and that child" He continues.
I felt salty tears build up in my eyes knowing this wasn't going to end well. There was heartbreak along the way.
"They told us it was a boy at one of the scans. You should have seen Biretta's face, she was so happy. We both were. Then the day of the delivery came..."
"Everything was fine. I rushed her to the hospital when she went into labor. I was there holding her hand as she went through the agonizing pain. And finally, our son was born. I don't remember what happened until the moment he was in my arms. He looked up at me with my own blue eyes. He was so light and delicate. So innocent"
I tear slips down Elliott's father's cheek.
"And I looked down at him waiting for him to blink, for him to cry..."
I bring my hand up to my mouth and tears fall down my own face. No.
"The doctors couldn't stop apologizing. He was born alive but didn't take more than one breath. He didn't get the chance to cry. And I held him even while they wanted to take him away from me. I would do anything and still would to bring him back. Brietta and I's child."
"Our son was dead before he got the chance to live and that day something inside me died with him. and I thought how could someone take the life of such an innocent baby. You don't understand how it felt to hold the child of the women I never thought I would be able to love"
"Brietta was so out of it that she thought I must have been crying tears of happiness. She didn't understand what was going on, she wasn't listening to everything around her. She just wanted to see our son. Our beautiful little boy"
"You would never want to have seen her face when they gave him to her. It took her a moment to realize. And she was screaming, thrashing. She was hurting herself. And I couldn't help her. I could never help her again"
"You have to understand that we were only 19 and it was such a traumatic event that there was no way of fixing either of us. We both became poison for each other. Every time she looked at me she saw her little boy and the same when I looked at her. Being near her, I was causing her pain"
"So my little boy took half my heart and Brietta took the other half. You have to understand there was nothing we could have done to fix each other. We were perfect for each other but it wasn't our time. I won't give you the details of the funeral. It's just she was screaming as they lowered it. And it was tiny. The coffin could fit in my hands.
I wipe my eyes as tears fall down them. I had a big brother. Elliott had a big brother. We both shared a brother. Someone Elliott will never know about.
"I left town then and came to New York. Jordan ended up marrying your mom. He was the only one that could help her. Never fix her just help. Maybe it was the trauma of losing a child but your mother's condition worsened. She blames herself thinking it was her condition in the first place that killed her child. It was neither of our faults. But she blamed her self for years.
"I know Jordan got Brietta's best friend pregnant with the girl, Aribella. Honestly, our lives were all a disaster after our child died. I never visited the grave other than the funeral for years"
"I had Jack and Elliott and you lived in California with your mom but I could never go back there. I only visited. Until one day I got a call from Jordan telling me Brietta was nearly paralyzed due to her MS and she was dying"
"I made it just in time. I was the last person Bree saw before she passed away. I got one thing from her that day. She told me that she always loved me. ~it's just the universe didn't want us together. She loved me so much that she had let me go"
"All I did was look at an empty bed, where he should have been sleeping. His fingers never got to wrap around mine"
"I only visit the grave in spring when it's his birthday. He would be 23 now"
"What was his name" I whisper tasting salty tears.
"Crescent if I tell you...I can't tell you" He shakes his head.
"Please" I beg.
An older brother. Someone who never got the chance to live. Someone I didn't know about. Elliott will never know. And I finally realize that Elliott's dad has lost 3 of his sons. With only one left. I honestly can never comprehend how painful that would be. A brother Elliott never got to know about, that even though Elliott and I are in no way related in a way we are.
"River Grayson, that was his name"
*
I stand over the grave, tears seeping down my eyes.
'River Grayson, Son of Brietta and Jake. Always loved, never forgotten, forever missed'
I place the flowers on the grave.
He wasn't only someone's child.
He was my brother, Daniel's brother, Elliott's brother, Jack's brother and Ryan's brother.
He had so much family that he never knew that loved him.
"I never got to meet you River Grayson and I don't know how my son ended up having your name," I say out loud.
I don't understand which pain is worse â the shock of what has happened or for what could have happened.
And I begin to walk away from that heartbreaking grave. I walk for a while until I reach a place I come to far too often. I sit down in front of it and stare.
Elliott.
"I live in the past, I'm my memories because it's the only place I can find you," I tell the gravestone.
Elliott was once the only person who caused butterflies in my stomach. Now all the butterflies are dead. Sometimes missing him came in waves and today I was drowning.
How can I make my heart understand that you're gone? All these years people have told me to move on but what if I can't. I can't forget him, I'm never going to. I will never forget those ocean blue eyes. And if I were to look for someone else, I will look for someone with his contagious smile.
I pull myself up and run my hands over the gravestone. All the memories come back but he never does. And I walk away.