Chapter 19: chapter 19

Rodas opens the door wide and I peek inside over his shoulder. My inside twists immediately. Impossible. I look at him, confused and he just moves aside and tilts his head toward the room with a soft smile. I hesitate but step inside. A rush of emotions engulfs me.This room feels very personal and nostalgic. The colour, textures and the smell of the room dance on the edge of my memory but it's hard to grasp them fully. It's as if I'm trying to peer through a foggy window, desperately trying to make out the shapes and forms on the other side. Taking a tentative step forward, my inquisitive eyes scan the room. It's a medium size room with red curtains all around, a soft grey carpet on the floor and a small round stage at the centre with a grand piano with a single sofa in the front. A sigh escape my lips as I made my way to the stage. I look behind, Rodas crossed his arms while leaning against the door frame. With his small nod, I take further steps. I reach out my hand and graze my fingertips over the shiny black lid of the piano. It feels like an old friend, a witness to moments I can't recall.A sudden ringing of phone calls pulls my attention. Rodas is staring at his phone screen with an uncertain expression. Then he lifts his gaze at me. "I'll be back... Take your time looking around" he tells me and then walks away. I give my attention back to the room. My eyes land on the bookshelf standing against one wall, filled with fine and wrinkled pages. I find myself standing before it and looking at them one by one. The titles are like whispers, teasing my consciousness as if I've already read the stories within them for thousand times and that they hold secrets of my past but they slip through my fingers like smoke when I try to remember. I can't remember anything even though they feel so close.The small desk beside is cluttered with scattered papers and pens. A pen rest atop an open diary. I pull the chair to sit and leaf through the pages. The content inside is mostly lyrics of songs and to-do lists. The only thing I recognize is my handwriting. What was I doing here writing song lyrics? Did I spend time here? In Rodas's home? It's just getting worse.I'm about to close it when I see something on the last page, causing me to look at it. I gulp. It's a letter. Written for Rodas.My fingers tremble as they run over the unbelievable words written on the page by me and to that man who killed my parents. Dear Rodas,             Loooollll..... This is embarrassing, I hope you never see this. Why are you always so grumpy? Nevermind. I love it. I love your grumpy nose, your grumpy voice and your grumpy eyes. Haha. But I'm a bit mad at you today, perhaps that's why I'm here. I would prefer a little bit kinder you. You scare me sometimes with your anger. Be nice to Z and Jeremy. I know you have so much work but please come home a bit sooner. I want to sleep in your arms, the bed feels cold without you. I love you so much, Rodas.                                              Your Wifey,                                                 Green.I can't breathe.What is this?Suddenly, a gust of wind blows through the open window, causing the curtains to flutter and dance. I storm toward it and pull the curtain wider and also the others that cover the wall but with that comes another shock.I back away and fall on the carpet, eyes fixated on the wall, hidden behind those red curtains were countless photographs, capturing moments frozen in time. Smiling faces, candid snapshots of joy and laughter. Not anyone's but my own with Rodas. They tug at my heartstrings, sending chill all over my body. I feel strange. My heart is pounding so fast against the wall of my chest. Tears trickle down my cheeks without any warning. The piano, the books, the letter and these photos, are clawing my head, trying to bring out something that's locked away in a hidden vault within my mind. Every picture has my smiling face, bathing in happiness. A particular frame captures my eyes, I stand up before taking it off from the wall. An image of a sunny beach, there on the sand is me in the arms of Rodas, our smile radiating from the tiny frame.I close my eyes, remembering the dream I had, running at the beach, holding hands and laughing while our feet dig into the soft sand. So, it was a fragment of my memory and not a dream? How could this-Was I forced to be with him? But who would look that much happy when being forced to be with someone they hate?The different waves of emotions overwhelm me and I sink back onto the soft carpet, tears trickling down the corner of my eyes.I have also seen photographs and other things in Rei's home but I've never felt connected towards them. No matter how I stared at those big portraits, I didn't feel any connection.So, why am I feeling this right now and that too with Rodas? And there's that letter written by me, proof that I've been in love with him. Isn't that ridiculous?I get up from the floor and sprint out of the room toward Rodas's room but do not find him. I go to the living room only to find Jeremy lying down on the couch, eating cup noodles. He smiles widely as soon as he sees me. "Hey!!!" "Where's Rodas?" I ask. His smile drops and he put the cup down."He went out," he tells me. "When will he be back?" Jeremy shrugs and smiles again. "Let him be. Come here, sit... Let's-""When will he be back?" I ask again, my voice straining with impatience."I can't say, Elora," Jeremy replies.