~Xander~
Writer's Note- Content warning for mentionings and implications of abuse.
"Do you want to go to my room?" Achilles asked me in a surprisingly outright manner, putting his hands on my thighs and looking at me. His eyes were bright and he was stroking my thighs in a really nice way.
I did, honestly. But, then my heart started beating erratically and I touched my throat, dragging my fingers across my collar bone. I opened my mouth but it was suddenly dry.
Achilles was watching me, patient and acceptant. He raised his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks and making circles with his thumbs. "It's okay." He said before he kissed me, once, slowly enough to make sparks shoot all the way to the tips of my toes. Then, he gave me a quick kiss on the nose and I laughed.
Achilles got up to go to the bathroom and I went looking for my shirt. All of his attentions made my skin feel a bit bruised and raw, but if I wanted anyone to make me feel that way, it would be him.
After I put my shirt on, I closed my eyes and tried not to let embarrassment burrow too deeply under my skin. What the hell was wrong with me? Achilles was hot, I was hot. Why couldn't I just, take the proverbial leap? Did I really have intimacy issues?
I got up, putting some chips, veggies and guac on the coffee table, before dimming the lights and turning on Netflix. I was browsing when Achilles came back and he looked somewhat refreshed so I made a point not to ask him what he'd done in the bathroom.
"What're we watching?"He said lazily, sitting with his legs splayed wide on the couch.
I started playing Zumbo's Just Deserts, a competition baking show. "Maybe this?"
Achilles stretched his arm around the couch and then across my shoulders, bringing me in closer against his side. "Sure." Achilles' body always seemed to run a little hot and I like how he was a constant source of warmth.
I raised the volume, took a pillow from the couch and settled it over Achilles' lap before lying down and placing my head there. Achilles' fingers moved into my hair, casually stroking and he twisted a finger or two through my curls, twirling strands around his fingers.
"Your hair's so soft." Achilles murmured.
Achilles' hand was back in my hair. It took me a second to notice his other hand was at my hip, tracing circles into my skin. I looked up at him but his eyes were focused on the screen.
"Fuck." He said, "This is making me hungry."
"Aren't you always hungry?"
"Mostly." He said.
The show played for a few more minutes before I had to say something. "I'm sorry." I said, staring at the cooks manipulating icing sugar on screen. "Sometimes, I can'tâ"
His voice was soft. "It's no pressure, being with you is nice, Xander. Anyway I can have you. But, have you talked to anyone about it?"
I closed my eyes, focusing on the feel of Achilles' fingers. "I used to go to thisâthis support group for guys like me. I've been busy and I haven't kept up with the meetings."
"What about a therapist?"
"No therapists." I said. It wasn't that I didn't believe in therapy but I just didn't believe that anyone had a right to know that much about me. Certainly not someone who I had to pay.
"Can I ask?" He hesitated, breathing deeply. "Did he ever force you?"
I let out an ugly laugh. "Force me?"
"Xander, don'tâ"
I shot up off of the couch, standing up, feeling my fangs distend so quickly they cut into my lip. "What the hell, Achilles?" I said, moving away from him and crossing my arms over my chest. "What. The. Hell." Blood was hot against my mouth. "Why would you ask me that?" I was shaking my head, feeling my lips tremble, as I took another step back.
Achilles stayed seated, looking up at me with a puzzled expression on his face. His mouth turned into a frown, eyes drooping downwards and then up at me. He had the audacity to look sad.
"What the fuck." I said, feeling my throat constrict. "I don't need this from you. I don't need you to act all concerned. I don't need you to ask questions. Don't try to psychoanalyze me, Achilles." My voice sounded raw and I felt like I was going to start crying.
Achilles' voice was soft. "Why don't you sit down, Xander?"
I paced for several seconds before I sat down.
"Sorry if I crossed a line." Achilles said, brown eyes focused on my face. "Don't be mad."
I wiped at my eyes. "Don't apologize to me."
Achilles went silent for several seconds, before he reached for the remote and turned the tv off. He turned towards me and I just stared at my fingers in my lap. "I'm going to say something and I don't know if you're going to like it or not. I care about you Xander, and you panicking and pushing me away isn't going to get rid of me so easily. We each have our problems, and I'm fine discussing mine with you. If you don't want to talk to me, that's okay, too. But, you should talk to someone. Those are my two cents."
I couldn't say anything, all I could think about was why I was acting like this, what was wrong with me, why couldn't I act normal? I got up. "I need some air." I picked up my things and ran out of the apartment.
#
I stood in front of the reception area, looking at all the pamphlets but not picking anything up as people moved around and past me. Going through the halls of the recreational centre for dance classes, or sports, and lots of swimming classes. I finally decided on a pamphlet with information on support groups.
I picked one up, feeling the thin paper between my fingers. I skimmed over it while walking towards the elevators. The sessions always took place on the top floor. Or at least from the last time I'd been here six months ago.
But then I heard a sound, a laugh that was low and grumbled the way I expect a landslide to sound before it decimates a village. Out of the elevator came Corey.
He was massive and built like a linebacker. I used to think it was hot how pumped out he was, but the swell of muscle in his arms and legs just made me sick to my stomach. Corey had a nice face, masculine with his deep set eyes, a short beard, and those dark soulless eyes of his. He looked a bit older now, like a man in his thirties and he wasn't alone.
Corey was holding a little girl's hand. A brown skinned girl with longer hair and a big smile on her face. And then it got worse, Corey's partner walked out of the elevator, too. I think his name was Raj but in Corey's Instagram that I didn't stalk he referred to him as RJ.
Raj was really a tiny slip of a thing, slender with a soft, androgynous face, and silky dark hair up in an expensive coif. He was beautiful really, and for an unsettling moment I found myself envious.
It made me sick how happy they looked. I turned around, pushing through the sudden crowd of people so I could just get outside. I hurried through the hallways, tripping over my own feet but making it outside into the quiet night air. I pulled around to the side of the building where the one lamppost was broken and caused a dark shadow to settle over the area.
I heaved, wanting to throw up but nothing coming out. I leaned over, gripping my knees. How could he be here?
It was several seconds later but the happy vampire family came upon me.
Raj came up to me first. "Kin." He said, a common greeting amongst us vampires. "Can I help you?" He rubbed a wide circle into my back.
I coughed, shaking my head hating that I knew Corey had touched him the same way he touched me. Or, maybe not exactly the same way. I stood up straight, hearing Corey tell Raj to get the car started. The girl and Raj went off into the parking lot and Corey stayed.
"Were you following me, Alex?" Corey said in a slow voice like he was talking to a crazy person.
"And why would I do that?" I spat.
"Well, things didn't end well between us and you were a little unhinged when we broke up."
"I was the unhinged one? How can you even say that? How can you stand there and say that?" My voice was shaking as my teeth noisily clacked into one another.
Corey looked at me and then away, tightening his jaw. "I was different back then. And I am sorry for what happened between us. But, that part of my life is over, Alex. I have a family now, and that person, that monster that I was, he's gone. I'm not telling you to get over it, butâ" Then he shrugged, looking in the direction of the parking lot, towards his new life.
"You fucked me up, Corey." I whispered. "I was normal. I had friends, a good job. And then you sunk your claws into me."
"Well." Corey seethed, a bit of that meanness coming back as he got in my face. "You never hit me back."
I swallowed, shrinking away. "I loved you more than you ever loved me. I couldn't do that to you."
"Christ, Alex. Why are you crying? You're always crying." Corey looked annoyed, staring down at me with his dark eyes.
I pushed my sleeve against my eyes. "I hate you. I'm here because I go to the battered men support group. I'm here because I have to talk to fucking strangers about what I'm going through or else I can't function. I have to talk to them about how you used to break my instruments so I would pay more attention to you, the way you made me stop talking to all my friends because you said I wasn't supporting you, how you convinced me it would be better for me to stay at home, how you used to tie me up." I could barely talk through my tears as all these memories I was repressing came to the surface and got caught in my throat. My hands shook as I clutched my head. "All of it just gets stuck in my head and the only thing that can drown it out is music."
Corey's eyes were cold. "I went to therapy afterwards, okay? I went to sessions, took anger management classes. I do yoga now, Alex. I tried to change, alright? I'm not that guy anymore."
"I don't care what mask you wear. I know who you really are."
Corey advanced on me then with a snarl. "It's not just my fault. You never fought back! You just took it and cried and apologized every time. It just made me so angry the way you tried to act like a perfect victim. You could have left any time! Why did it take you four years? You're the one who made it okay by not leaving!"
I moved away in horror, turning away from him. My breaths were coming in short pants and I touched my throat, looking for air. I clawed at my own throat, trying to breathe.
A dog shot around the building putting itself between me and Corey, growling at him. It was a big dog, nearly as tall as my hip and so dark I couldn't see a tag or a collar. I saw the moment when Corey tried to kick the dog and when it sunk its teeth into the meat of Corey's calf.
Corey yelped, shaking his leg until the dog fell away. He swore, clutching his leg and I saw Raj's car pull up just as the dog let go of Corey's leg. Corey gave me a furious look over his shoulder and hobbled into the vehicle. The windows were tinted as they drove away. I could only imagine the conversation they were having.
The dog on the other hand turned towards me, loping over and laying it's snout against my shoe. I knelt down and that's when I realized it was Achilles. His eyes were liquid pools of bronze as he panted and licked the side of my face, getting Corey's blood on me.
I dragged my fingers alongside his fur, it was thick and soft, and warm. Achilles nuzzled his head against my throat, whimpering quietly. I was breathing again but harshly and I hugged him, unable to stop crying.
#
Kind of a sad chapter, a bit unplanned but Xander is a complicated individual.
Anyone who's read my previous work know that my stories can sometimes feature people with difficult pasts and I'm not doing it out an effort to make characters more sympathetic, its only that this is who I end up writing and I'm sorry if this content is difficult for anyone to read.