I spend the next week or so trying to figure out my sexuality. Well. Kind of.
At the beginning of this project, I start out with the mindset of 'confirming my straightness'. This seems like it should be pretty simple. Look at hot girls. Be attracted to them. Done.
And I mean, yeah. To a certain degree, this works. I look at hot girls. It's enjoyable. But then I try and take it a step further and think about, I don't know, dating them. Touching them, kissing them, doing... stuff with them. And it just doesn't come to mind that readily, and then when it does I have this weird knee-jerk reaction to shove it away as fast as possible. I tell myself it's because I'm in public. But then when I'm not in public... it's not actually any easier to tolerate the idea.
So then I starting to get a little nervous. I spend a whole day and sleepless night convincing myself that I am straight, really. I've liked girls my whole life. Liked looking at them, thinking about them. But I know my arguments to convince myself of this are flawed, since I don't actually try and prove my straightness to myself by enjoying the thought of girls. I just tell myself that I have for my whole life and that hasn't changed.
Knowing that I'm operating under flawed logic, I abandon the whole idea in an attempt for my straightness to set in once again. But then, one night, about two weeks after starting this whole 'discover my sexuality/ convince myself I'm straight' thing, I find my thoughts straying to Axel. And before I can stop myself I'm imagining what it would be like to kiss him, touch him...
And well. I mean. Let's just say that's a lot more enjoyable than thinking about girls.
Of course, this brings up another issue. Apparently, I like Axel. Which. No. He's my friend, and just because he's gay does not in any way mean that he likes me. Sure, he trusted me enough to tell me things that he hasn't told anyone outside of his family and fake ex-girlfriend. That doesn't mean anything.
So I've just discovered that I might not be as straight as I thought I was, and before even letting myself begin to get even remotely adjusted to this pretty decent sized switch, I've found myself a crush. A crush on a guy.
Which, judging by my previously unnamed weird longing to be around him at pretty much all times, may have been a thing for longer than I've thought.
This is terrifying.
Like, I have so many scary thoughts. What if I'm actually just imagining all of this because of some kind of subconscious suggestion that Keira gave me in that conversation? What if I'm actually straight but convincing myself that I like Axel instead because I'm close with him? What if I am gay but don't have a crush on Axel and just think that I do because he's the only other gay guy that I know? How did Keira know that I'm gay before I did? If she hadn't assumed that, then would I have ever noticed? Am I a terrible person for wondering if I'm gay when I might actually be straight, or having tried to convince myself that I'm straight when I might be gay, or for wondering if Keira somehow turned me gay by thinking I might be gay, or for maybe having a gay crush on Axel because he's the only gay guy I know?
I don't know if this many thoughts is normal. I don't know if wondering if this many thoughts is normal is normal. I don't know if I'm overthinking or if this is a normal gay thing. Or a normal straight thing. Or a normal anything thing. What if I have anxiety?
I spend a whole five hours of time that I should probably be sleeping researching anxiety, then how to know if I'm gay, then how to know if I'm straight, then a whole ton of other sexualities that I didn't even know existed, then if it's possible to become gay because someone thought you were, then somehow it all just devolves into me watching videos of people playing piano covers of popular songs because watching people play piano calms me down and I'm not sure if I'm freaking out or if this is normal or if it's normal to freak out. But I'm scared to google that because google is confusing me and not helping at all.
Of course, showing up at school running on a whole like, three hours of sleep is usually kind of noticeable (except for people who do it every night, I guess). Keira says I look tired. Which. Woah, really? I hadn't actually noticed.
And then I pass Axel in the hallway during lunch and we make eye contact for a whole like, one second, and then I'm the back seat of his car and he's sitting beside me and looking at me imploringly. "Nash. Are you okay?"
And he knows, and I know he knows that I'm not, I'm not really, but I don't know if that's normal or not and I just want to sleep (and also maybe figure out if teleporting is a symptom of sleep-deprivation).
"Hey, talk to me."
I know he's not demanding that I talk to him. I know I could say no. But I know that I know that I want to talk to him and I know that he knows that too.
So I talk.
I let everything out, everything that doesn't have to do with my maybe crush on him. I tell him about my trial and error method for confirming my straightness, and how it didn't work, and how scary that was, and how I tried to convince myself of being straight afterwards, and how scared I was that that might be a homophobic thing to do, and then how I figured out that I might be attracted to guys instead and that's really scary because I don't know what's real and what I'm overthinking, and what's normal and what's not and I just want some kind of certainty but all I'm doing is confusing myself more. And I just want to feel okay.
He listens the whole time. He doesn't interrupt, just lets me get it all out. And then I run out of things to say but my mouth doesn't really stop working, I just keep rambling until he gives me this tiny smile that makes my heart squeeze tenderly and I shut up in the middle of a sentence that's been going on for the last two minutes.
"That's a lot."
I nod.
"It sounds really overwhelming."
I nod again, with a giant lump in my throat.
"I'm here for you," he whispers, and I completely break down. Like, really, I'm a complete mess. But he shuffles over and tightly winds an arm around me, holding me together, and just having him here is enough to make it last probably half as long as it would've been otherwise.
"Don't worry about if you're normal or not," he murmurs to me once I've calmed down somewhat. "Nobody's experience is exactly the same. And you can always talk to me if you're confused or overwhelmed."
"I just can't stop doubting things, or wondering if I'm sure about things. Like, if things might have happened to make me either straight or gay, or if I'm just imagining it."
"Lots of people feel like that," he assures me. "Feeling like they might be imagining things, or wondering if whatever they're feeling is the truth."
"And is it?"
"You're the only one who can ever know for sure," he says with a small smile. "But keep in mind that you don't have to know anything for sure. You can label yourself as whatever you're comfortable with, whenever you want. You never have to, if you don't want to. You can just be with whoever you want to be with."
"How do I know if I want to be with someone for real, though? What if I'm just imagining that, too? What if I've never actually been really attracted to anyone in my life and I don't know what it feels like?"
One corner of his mouth quirks up. "Well, if you do stuff with someone and like it, that's a pretty good indicator."
I feel my face flush and determinedly don't meet his gaze. "But- romantically. If I don't know if I like someone for sure, does that mean that I don't? Or that I'm overthinking it?"
"I can't tell you anything for sure. I'm not an expert. But if you like being around someone, and they make you feel good about yourself, and your feelings are more than just platonic, then that sounds real to me."
I blush and look down. Do I like being around Axel? Definitely. Does he make me feel good about myself? One hundred percent. Are my feelings more than just platonic? Well.
Okay. So that answers the question of whether or not I like him.
Why is everything so much easier to understand when he's here?
"You feeling a bit better now? Because lunch hour is almost over."
"Right." I quickly wipe my eyes, checking my appearance in the rearview mirror. It's not super noticeable that I've been crying. "Okay. Let's go back."
He smiles at me. "Okay. And hey, you know you can talk to me about any of this anytime, right?"
I give him a small nod, smiling at the ground. "Yeah. Thanks."
"Of course."
Keira isn't even mad that I disappeared for all of lunch hour, she's too busy being worried in her lecture-y way. I think she can definitely tell that I had a breakdown. I assure her that Axel found me and helped me through it and I feel a lot better now, none of which is really a lie.
I still don't totally know how I feel about being maybe gay. It's definitely new. It's hard to associate the word and what it means with me. But like Axel said, that does make sense. I've spent most of my life believing that I'm straight, and this is a bit of a jarring reality. Not because I have anything against being gay. Just because it's something new to adjust to.
I decide to stop thinking about that for now, though. Like Axel said- I don't need to label myself. I can just be with whoever I want. That seems a lot easier to do. And I know for sure that I want him.
Though, liking Axel isn't necessarily easier to deal with than having an sudden and completely unexpected change in my personal identity and how I see myself. There are a few reasons for this. For starters, he's one of my three only friends. Then, he's gay, which actually makes things harder because first of all, I doubt he'd like me just solely based on the kind of human being I am. And second, he's strictly forbidden to have any kind of real romantic relationship.
Plus, having this slight shift in our friendship puts me off balance for a bit (as if I wasn't already, with the whole sexuality thing). I'm not quite sure how to act around him. I keep trying to act the same way that I used to, but I wasn't exactly noting my exact actions before, so it's hard to know exactly what to do. I'm terrified he's going to notice and either figure out that I like him or just decide I'm weird and sever all ties. And. I mean. I'm kind of emotionally dependent on him at this point- I've broken down twice since this whole gay awakening thing... well, awakened. He's the only person I can really relate to, or trust to be able to make the things in my brain make sense.
I realize with startling abruptness that Axel has started to take up a good amount of space in my life, and my brain. I care about him- even without the crush. Losing him would hurt me, really badly.
I can't risk that.
Thoughts? What do you think of Nash's system to figure out his sexuality, and the resulting realizations? How about his conversation with Axel? And figuring out that he has a crush on Axel? Let me know all your thoughts in the comments!
If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider giving it a vote! Thank you so much for reading!