It's tough to have a crush on a friend. I'm caught between wanting to hang out with Axel, both because he's one of my close friends and the fact that I really like him, and not wanting to hang out with him because I'm scared that I'll be super obvious about really liking him and he'll end up hating me. Even though he's gay, and he knows I'm gay and has been very supportive thus far, that doesn't mean he'll be chill with me actually being gay for him.
So I try to keep to the same hanging-out schedule that we had before. Hanging out once or twice a week outside of school. In school, I stick to Keira and Cody as per the usual.
I'm not totally sure how to act around them either, though. Even though Keira did say she supported and accepted me when she thought that I was gay the first time, who knows what her reaction would be now. She could be mad at me for not telling her before, or she could think I was lying because I didn't trust her.
Or she could argue with me- she'll take any excuse to argue. She could try and tell me that no, she actually just gave me the idea and now I'm confused, and I'm actually straight. And while I was telling myself the same thing just a few weeks ago, there is a huge, huge difference between trying to convince yourself that nothing has changed and you're still straight, and having someone else try and tell you what your sexuality is. The difference being that the first one is (possibly?) a normal part of freaking out over a huge change. And the second one is insensitive and scary and makes you second guess everything and freak out way more than is healthy.
I don't want to seem different around Keira any more than Axel, though, so I end up desperately clinging to the amount of time we usually spend together, trying to mimic all my actions from before so I seem normal and nothing is different. Because even though I do know, somewhere deep inside of me, that Keira will be supportive and understanding no matter what, I'm still scared. Terrified.
It's one day after school when I'm at Keira's house, playing video games in her basement that she decides to start the conversation herself.
"Nash."
I stare longingly at the paused screen of Keira's TV, then look at her. "Yeah?"
"You've been acting tense and weird again lately. I don't want to assume why this time, so I'm straight out asking. Why have you been acting tense and weird again lately? Especially around the topic of Axel?"
I have to work to keep my eyes from darting to the floor at the mention of his name. I can feel a blush crawling up my neck either way, and if I'm really hoping it's not noticeable if I don't act too weird about it. "Um. Well."
She looks at me expectantly, making it clear that I'm going to have to give her some sort of answer. I could probably get away with saying something about not feeling comfortable talking about it, but... maybe it would be nice to talk to someone about this. And Keira has been my closest friend for the past three to four years. So.
"You know last time when we had a conversation like this?"
"You mean when you thought you were neglecting me and Cody for Axel and I thought you were gay?"
"Yeah. Well. Um. As it turns out. I am actually gay."
She stares at me. I discover that I'm actually incapable of controlling where my eyes look, and my gaze is firmly fixated on the floor.
"And you were right about Axel being my gay awakening, too. I... have a crush on him. He doesn't know, obviously. But. It's a thing."
After a long moment, she finally says, "Oh."
I look up at her, a little scared now. "Yeah."
"I mean- obviously I accept you, support you, all of that, but I just hope I didn't... force it on you? I don't know. Like, force the idea of being gay and liking Axel onto you, or bringing it up to you before you were ready to see it? Is that a possible thing?"
I let out a weak laugh. "I have no idea. The amount of stuff I understand about being gay and liking a guy is pretty much just that. Being gay means liking guys, and I like a guy. That's the full extent of my knowledge. I am completely clueless apart from that. Axel has been calming me down whenever I get overwhelmed by all of my own cluelessness, though, so that's something, I guess."
"Wait, but I thought you said he doesn't know."
"Doesn't know about my crush on him. I told him that I'm gay- or like guys, or whatever."
"Okay." I can tell she's trying not to ask why I told him first, or focus on her own worries about me not trusting her or whatever. I'm not totally sure how to reassure her without giving away the fact that Axel is also gay, though, so I do my best.
"It's just- I don't know. He was there when I freaked out, I guess. It's not that I trust you less, at all. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you thought I might be gay before."
"Okay." She looks a little relieved.
"And I was going to tell you at some point. It's just been hard to- I don't know. Think. Like, at all. It feels like all my energy is going into trying to not think about being gay and not at all straight, because that'll just make me end up overthinking things and then getting overwhelmed. And if all my energy isn't going into that, it's going into trying to make sure Axel doesn't find out that I'm gay for him specifically. Because who knows what that would do to our friendship."
"That sounds really exhausting," she comments.
"It is. And then I just end up drained and emotionally exhausted and somewhere between wanting to cry and not having the energy to."
"Aww." She shuffles closer to me, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. I can tell she's not quite sure how to do it- we've never been particularly touchy with each other. "I'm really sorry to hear that. Does it help to talk about it?"
I inhale, finding it feels easier and, I don't know, cleaner than breathing has for the past week or so. "I think so?"
"Then you can always talk to me, okay? If you want to. I know I don't really understand what you're going through, but I can try. And I'll always be supportive, promise."
"Okay. Thank you."
"Of course. You're my best friend."
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The weird part of telling people your secrets is that afterwards, you hold the secrets a little less tightly. You do something once, it becomes less big of a deal. The more times you do something, the more okay you become with it. It makes sense, but it can also come back to bite you.
Previously at school, I'd been hiding the fact that I'm gay and not straight at all, and also my crush on Axel, from both Keira and Cody. After the conversation with Keira, there's the slightest shift in our friendship, since there isn't much purpose in me pretending like I'm still hiding it from her. I mean, it's not like I'm terrified of people knowing. I'm just still adjusting to it myself, which is the main reason I'm not broadcasting my sexuality. And there's nothing that I do at school that really screams 'gay'. So nothing really changes between Keira and I at school- we have no reason to talk about it, and it's not like we're giggling behind our hands about a secret only we know.
Still, Cody isn't an idiot, and he's spent a lot of time with us, so somehow he figures out that something has changed. Maybe it's because I'm not being 'weird and tense' anymore, like Keira said I was before. Maybe it's because I'm more comfortable with Keira, and Keira is being a little nicer to me than usual. Or because she's not even considering lecturing me on staring at girls, even though I stopped a long time ago (that never stopped Keira from berating us about it. Just because we're not doing something doesn't mean she can't lecture us about it anyways).
Whatever it is, Cody notices. And at lunch, after Keira smacks him for watching a girl walk past (we're sitting, and he didn't really lift his head, so it was pretty clear where he was looking), he- well, first he scowls at her, says he wasn't blatantly ogling, and really it was right there so it was kind of hard not to see it at all, and does she just want him to keep his eyes closed anytime she's in public (to which she said yes)- and then he frowns and asks, "Hey, how come you're being so mean to me and so nice to Nash?"
And I mean, she can't exactly say, 'because he's gay and already likes a guy so he's not staring at girls' behinds', so instead she says, "Because you're sexualizing women and he is not."
"That's never stopped you before," he points out, which. Yeah, he's got a point there. "And- Nash, you're not being all jumpy and evasive like before."
Keira glares at him, probably for having better adjectives than she did. "He wasn't being jumpy or evasive. And either way, it's none of your business."
"Hey, I'm just curious. Did you guys have some sappy heart-to-heart conversation or something, or- wait, did you guys like, hook up?"
Both of us stare at him, and I'm glad I don't have to be guilty about making a face at that idea because Cody looks at both of our faces and starts laughing, so I'm guessing that Keira's probably got the same expression on as I do.
Once Cody's finished laughing at our disgusted/ horrified faces, I grab him by the shirt collar and yank him over so I can whisper, "No. I'm gay, you moron."
I release him, and he goes back to his previous spot, wearing a contemplative look. "Oh. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Axel, right?"
For a second I have a small heart attack because I think he's saying that Axel's gay too, and he definitely isn't supposed to know that, but then I realize that he's asking if I have a crush on Axel and relax a bit. I give him a look to make him lower his voice, but nod.
"Even if you're right, that's kind of a prejudiced assumption to make," Keira hisses at him. "That just because Nash is gay, he's automatically attracted to the guy he spends the most time with."
"Actually, I assumed that because any time someone says his name, he smiles and blushes, and every time Axel shows up, he gets kinda tense and weird."
Keira can't seem to argue with that, but I definitely can. "I do not smile and blush every time someone says his name."
"Oh yeah?" Cody smirks, leaning towards me a little. "Axel King."
I press my lips together, trying so hard to keep the corners of my mouth from curling up as a telltale blush crawls up my neck. "I hate you."
He grins, clearly pleased with my reaction as he goes back to his food. "I know."
Despite the teasing, I am definitely relieved to be out to both Keira and Cody, and have their support. Even though Cody didn't explicitly say it, I know him well enough to know that his reaction- teasing me about Axel- is his way of showing me that my sexuality doesn't change our friendship at all. I do appreciate it, aside from, you know. The embarrassment of being teased in a way that actually has the desired effect. Though, that is probably the best reaction I could have asked for from him.
Anyways. I'm really glad to have friends as good as I do, even if I've only just started realizing how good they really are.
Thoughts on the chapter? What do you think of Nash finally coming to terms with his crush on Axel? And talking to Keira about it? How about Cody's reaction?
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