Being able to relax around Keira and Cody makes my life easier. Really, it's not like a whole ton has changed- I'm still adjusting to the sexual identity overhaul, and I still like Axel, and I'm still terrified he'll find out, and none of that really involves Keira or Cody, but for some reason everything feels calmer now. I consider the idea that it's because I have people to talk to about it now, but I don't really have meaningful conversations with Cody, and while I do occasionally spill my overwhelming thoughts and fears to Keira when I'm freaking out, it's not an enormous difference. Things just feel enormously easier to deal with.
I guess life is easier when you have people on your side.
Anyways. Axel notices, because apparently I'm super tense and weird and/or jumpy and evasive when I'm hiding stuff, and even though I'm still hiding stuff from Axel, I'm not hiding things from as many people anymore. So apparently there's an enormous difference.
I'm playing piano- What a Wonderful World, by Louis Armstrong, only without singing and more piano playing to make up for it- in Axel's library. He likes listening to me play, and I love playing the piano, so it works out well. Some days we don't even leave the library.
I'm watching him swaying a little to the music, smiling with his eyes closed as he listens from his spot on the couches. I grin to myself, not wanting to take my eyes off of him. He always gets so deeply into the music whenever it's a song he knows, though he does enjoy piano-made pieces just as much. He just doesn't get pulled into it the same way.
I finish the song, forcing my eyes away from him so he won't know I was staring. I glance back up a moment later, just as his eyes open. He simply holds my gaze for a moment, still enjoying the final reverberations of the song. "You're calmer today."
I blink. "What do you mean?"
"A week ago, your playing was more tense. Not bad at all, just more rigid. This was all flowy and gentle."
I shrug. "I guess?"
"What changed?"
I avert my eyes, training my gaze on the keys of the piano. "Well... um. I came out to Cody. And Keira, I guess, just before."
"Hey, that's great! How did they take it?"
"Really well. I mean, I knew they would. I just wasn't used to the idea enough to tell other people until... well, a few days ago, I guess."
He nods, not bringing up the fact that I told him weeks ago. "Yeah. That makes sense."
We're both quiet for a moment, before I ask, "Do you ever wish you could come out?"
He scoffs. "All the time. I constantly want to tell everyone."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, I've known for years. When I first figured it out, I told my parents, and they kind of bashed my confidence, made it clear without using explicit threats that if I ever let anyone else know then I'd be kicked to the curb. So I had that fake relationship with Scarlett to prove myself to them, because I just wanted them to trust me. I wanted their approval back. And, I mean, they gave it to me. So that made it really hard to even want to come out. But now that I'm, well, almost an adult, they're kind of losing their power over me. I don't respect them as much as authority figures, and they haven't done much to earn my respect as people. It's getting harder and harder not to tell people, it feels like the words are constantly on the tip of my tongue."
I stare at him, wide eyed. "So why don't you? Come out, I mean."
He sighs. "I mean, aside from university costs and... just generally being able to have a livelihood, there's still that part of me that doesn't want to take that step and dive headfirst out of my parents' life. It's scary. They're my parents. But... you know, that part is getting smaller and less meaningful and what I want is starting to matter more. Of course, my parents know that, so they're kind of flexing their power over me more regularly. Make sure I still know they're in charge."
My breath catches in my chest. "They don't... hit you, right?"
He shakes his head. "No. Physical abuse leaves marks. And direct, intense psychological trauma is too evident for them, they're all about image. They don't want to do anything that might be too obvious."
I swallow. "What... what do they do?"
"Remind me of the future they have planned out for me. Talk about money to 'subtly' make sure I know that I have nothing without them, and everything with them. Just forcing me to rely on them, and ensuring that I'm all too aware of that." His tone is light, which kind of makes me think that there's more than that, but I don't push any more.
"Sounds brutal."
He shrugs. "I'm used to it. I know it's not good, but that's my life."
"You deserve better, though," I say quietly, completely without meaning to. Shoot.
He gives me a small smile. "Thanks, Nash. But don't worry. You make it better." He's openly grinning at me now, and I can't tell if he's teasing me or what, but it's definitely making me blush and I don't know what to do about it. So I just look down at the piano and start playing another song. Mostly so I don't have to try and guess what he means or come up with a response, but also because I'm flustered beyond belief and trying not to show it but it's really hard when he's looking at me with that intent gaze (he's so beautiful).
We stay in the library for the rest of the day.
I love listening to Nash play the piano.
I'd say I love watching him too, but half the time I just get so lost in the music that I forget to keep my eyes open. I do love watching him too, though. It's beautiful to watch, like the music is flowing directly through his body and out the piano. Nash in general is beautiful.
I don't actually know exactly when I started liking him. I think it was when he first yelled at me for practicing in the aux gym.
I was genuinely so shocked just by the level of passive aggressive hostility in his monologue, that even if he hadn't immediately left, I wouldn't have known what to say. Initially, I got really mad, like who does he think he is, he doesn't own this room, it's not reserved for him. But then I realized that he did kind of have a point, and that I could definitely afford to buy a fancy recording studio to practice in if I wanted to and it seemed kind of unfair of me, with all of my privileges, to be practicing in a place which was probably the only decent place available to him.
So I decided that it was reasonable for him to have been upset, and apologized to him as soon as possible.
But then he still seemed to dislike me. He was standoffish and honestly, rude. At which point I started to realize that he resented me, a lot. I didn't know his situation at the time, but I could safely assume that it's not quite as good as mine. So I decided that that was probably pretty fair, too. For him to resent me, due to jealousy or just bitterness. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to just let him bulldoze me with his misplaced anger. The difference in our situations isn't my fault. But, of course, I'm perpetually desperate for everyone to like me, so I couldn't just let him resent me. I had to go and spill my guts to him in a last-ditch attempt to relate to him. Somehow, it worked.
And then of course, I had to lock in some kind of regular interaction with him, because otherwise who knows. I might never get the chance to properly talk to him again. He could go straight back to resenting me.
And then... I don't really know what happened after that. Experiencing him play music for me every week made me trust him way more than it would be logical to. So I ended up coming out to him. Not planned at all- if my parents found out that I'd told someone outside of our immediate family (or close circle of people we use to cover up my shameful little secret), they'd skin me alive. But it was like I couldn't help myself. And that's when I finally had to admit to myself that I like him. I really like him.
I was a little scared about how he'd take it, in the seconds right after the words came out of my mouth. But then he just sort of acted like it wasn't a big deal, until he realized that it was kind of a big deal for me, and then he made sure that I knew he was fine with it.
I wonder how fine with it he'd have been if I'd said that I was gay for him.
When he came out to me, it was like a dream- one of those part dream, part nightmares. The possibility that he could be interested in me is- I can't even describe how happy it makes me. It takes all of my effort not to actively flirt with him whenever we're together. But then again, the fact that I couldn't date him even if he was attracted to me- that feels like a sucker punch. Honestly, it just makes it harder to force myself to care about what my parents would do to me if they found out about- well, anything to do with Nash. Just by itself, my friendship with another gay guy would probably be enough for them to really crack down on me. And, I mean. I'm much closer with Nash than I am with any of my other guy friends. I trust him implicitly. I tell him stuff that I wouldn't dream of telling anyone other than maybe my brother. And I literally hold him in my arms whenever he breaks down.
So maybe our friendship isn't totally innocuous and casual. Whatever.
Right now, he's playing a piano cover of Love of My Life by Queen, and I'm having a hard time not melting. Usually he strays away from romance songs, but it's hard when there are so many. He does have a weakness for classics, though, I've noticed. Surprisingly not too much Queen, though. The passion he's playing this song with tells me how much he adores it.
When the song finished, I open my eyes to find him already looking at me, eyes slightly wide. "Do you like Queen?"
He scoffs. "Is that even a question?"
I grin. "I only ask because you don't seem to play it a lot."
He rolls his eyes at me. He's so sarcastic, it's ridiculously attractive. "As if I could ever even begin to match the amazingness of Queen music through mere amateur piano playing."
"You're hardly an amateur."
"Compared to Freddie Mercury, I'm pretty sure everyone is."
"So you don't play Queen music because you love it too much."
"Exactly. I do play a couple just because I can't resist, but most of them are just... I would never even try, I'd just be insulting the music."
I can't help but smile to myself. Why do I find every single thing about him attractive?
What do you think of Nash and Axel's talk about coming out? And Axel's parents? And what are your thoughts on Axel's POV? Let me know in the comments!
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