I know she told me not to freak out, but I don't think anything could stop that from happening. I can feel my hands shaking convulsively, and I don't think I've blinked for a while and my eyes are huge but I'm not actually processing anything I'm seeing. Her words ring through my head, echoing around my brain at a scary volume. You're dating Axel.
"Hey. Hey, Nash." She's holding me by the shoulders. "Please don't freak out. I know you might not be ready for anyone to know, but-"
"No," I croak out. "Nobody can know. Nobody can know about him at all."
"Nash..."
I pull away from her and pull my legs up to my chest, pressing my forehead to my knees. This can't be happening. She can't know. No one can know.
"Hey, I don't want you to think that-"
"I know," I say, breathless with panic. "I know you wouldn't do anything, I just-" I curse, trying to get my phone out of my pockets with my shaking hands, unlocking it and going into Axel's contact to call him. "I have to- I'm sorry."
I get up and walk away from the bench, my legs feeling like they could buckle at any second. Axel picks up almost immediately. "Hey, what's up?"
"Are you alone?"
"Yeah."
"Nobody else can hear us talking?"
"No."
"Are you driving?"
"Yes. Nash, what's going on?"
"Pull over."
"Okay. I'm pulled over. Just take a deep breath, okay? What happened?"
"Okay." I take a breath. "Keira knows."
He's silent for a long time. "She knows... about us."
"Yes."
"That I'm..."
"She knows we're together." My voice breaks. "I didn't tell her anything, I swear I never told her anything after I told her about my crush on you. Axel-"
"I know. I know you didn't. How... how does she know? Was it... can I talk to her? Is she there?"
"Yeah," I whisper, turning and going back to the bench. Keira is looking at me, concern clear on her face. I hand her the phone before she can ask any questions.
"No, I didn't see anything. You two just spend a lot of time together, and you kind of flirt, but like, constantly enough that it's not just friendly teasing. And you've both seemed super happy lately."
I don't know what I was hoping to hear, but knowing that she put it together by our behaviour is not it. Her seeing us would have been better, probably, because then we could just stop touching each other anywhere but my house and be safe. If this is based on our behaviour... that's a harder fix. A lump forms in my throat, letting me know that anything I try to say will result in a complete breakdown.
Keira answers a few more questions from Axel, before passing the phone back to me. I move away from the bench again, scared. We're both quiet for a long time.
"Nash..." he starts. I feel tears coming to my eyes. "I trust Keira. She's not going to tell anyone. But..."
"I know. It's not good," I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut to try and hold the tears at bay.
"Yeah," he says softly. "Can I come to your house tomorrow? So that we can talk about this, figure out where to go from here?"
I swallow, take a deep breath. That sounds kind of hopeful. Like it's not just done. "Yeah."
"Okay." He lets out a soft sigh. "I- I really care about you, okay? That hasn't changed, it's not affected by this at all. And it isn't going to be. You mean so much to me, Nash. Okay? Promise me you won't forget that. No matter what."
"Okay," I whisper, feeling more than a little overwhelmed. "I care about you too."
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you," I echo, and he hangs up.
"I'm sorry," Keira says immediately when I get back to the bus stop, sitting on the edge of the bench. "I didn't know that- well, that any of that would happen. I wasn't trying to figure it out. I just kind of... noticed it. I wish I hadn't. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," I say, meaning it but finding it hard to muster up a properly sincere expression and tone. "We should have been more careful, him and I. It's good you told us now, before anyone else noticed."
"Alright." She's quiet for a few moments, and I can tell she still feels guilty, but I can't think of anything else to say to reassure her. And I don't have the energy to try that hard, since I'm still kind of scared of what's going to happen between Axel and I as a result of this. I mean, I told her I don't blame her, and I'm glad she told me, both of which are true. There's not a whole lot more I can do right now- I don't have the mental or emotional capacity to spend twenty minutes reassuring her.
"It's going to be alright," she says softly, breaking me out of my reverie. "Between you and Axel. I think you guys will be okay. I can tell how much you care about him. And he clearly cares about you too. So I think you'll be okay."
She says it really quietly, really cautiously, like she wants to reassure me, comfort me somehow, but she doesn't know what's a good thing to say right now and what might make it worse.
"I hope so," I say, because everything else I could say that wouldn't be a complete and utter lie would probably end up being really negative and sad. And I don't want to dump that on Keira right now.
Neither of us say anything after that, because there's nothing to say. But it's nice having her here- it keeps me from getting too deep into my head. Just having a comforting presence is nice. I know that as soon as I get home, to my empty and desolate house, I'm going to start overthinking and freaking out.
I arrive home about a half an hour later. And this time, I hate that I was right.
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It's kind of annoying, how much can change in a day. Or just in general- how fast things can change. How quickly life can come around to remind you that it is not, in any way, shape, or form, fair. How things can be destroyed in a split second, from the tiniest little action. Actions and reactions. Choices and consequences.
The 24 hour gap between when Keira tells me she knows about my relationship with Axel and my meeting with Axel to discuss what to do about it is terrifying. I have no idea where Axel's head is at, how he thinks we'll have to approach this. Whether or not we can still be together, because I can't really expect him to choose me over having a place to live. I mean, Keira clearly isn't going to tell his parents about us, but Keira finding out isn't just Keira finding out. It's proof that it is possible for people to find out about us without seeing anything specifically tied to a relationship, anything particularly gay or incriminating.
I'm expecting him to be scared. I am, too. I couldn't sleep at all because I'm so clueless about what's going to happen and I'm worried for what all of this means for our relationship and I'm... worried. I'm really worried for Axel. I know that whatever I'm feeling right now, he's probably feeling but ten times worse. And I care about him a lot, and I hate the stuff that I'm feeling right now, and I hate that he's having to feel all of this stuff as well.
The school day seems to drag by. I'm not entirely sure how to be around Axel, and I can tell he doesn't know how to be around me either- we end up kind of just miserably looking at each other but otherwise not really talking. I can tell that Keira feels kind of guilty, so I reassure her a bit until she's not looking quite as upset. She asks if there's anything she can do, but I tell her there isn't much anyone can do until Axel and I talk after school today. She tells me that if I need to talk to her after it happens, she'll be there. I tell her thanks but internally doubt I'll talk to anyone about it- if we break up, I'm not going to want to, and if we stay together discretion will become key. So.
Finally, finally, school is dismissed and I find Axel by his car in the school parking lot. I get in the car somewhat awkwardly, Axel's tense posture not making it any easier to relax. We drive about halfway to my house in strained silence. I don't try to break it. I don't want to push him- I know he's most likely having a rougher time with this than I am. He has a lot more to lose here than I do.
Halfway through the car ride, though, he reaches over and gently laces our fingers together. I glance over, and, upon seeing how nervous he is, give his hand a small squeeze. The tension in his shoulders loosens a bit, and I smile to myself.
When we get to my house, it's empty and quiet (thankfully). We go up to my room, Axel taking a seat on my desk chair as I close the door.
I go to sit on my bed, looking at him even though it kind of hurts. "So."
"So," he repeats, quietly.
We look at each other for a few moments, not sure where to start. Eventually, I ask, "Are you okay?"
He sighs. "I don't know. I mean, it's not that Keira found out, it's just that someone was able to. Because if someone was, that means my parents could. Which is terrifying, because..." he trails off, looking away. I swallow, wishing there was something, anything I could do to comfort him. "But then on the other hand, I just... I don't want to lose you. What we have. You mean so much to me, Nash. You make me so happy. And I don't- I can't-" he breaks off, looking down and pressing a fist to his forehead, taking a couple of breaths.
"I don't want to lose what we have either," I say, reaching over to take his free hand. Gently, so he can pull away easily if he wants to, without making it a big deal. "You make me really, really happy too. But I know that... you have a lot more to lose from this than I do. So I don't want to, I don't know, pressure you or something. Into staying with me."
He squeezes my hand, a nonverbal acceptance of the affection. "Thank you," he says quietly. "For being so understanding about this."
"Of course."
He takes a few deep breaths. "Okay. Um. Tell me if this makes sense."
"Okay."
"I mean, Keira is your best friend. She has been for three years- longer. She knows you really well. So do you think it's kind of safe to say that she found out about our relationship because of that? Because- I mean, you don't come to my house anymore, so my parents don't see you. She said it was because you seemed really happy, and she knew you liked me so... if it's mostly your behaviour that tipped her off, then it would be safe to stay together, right?"
"That makes sense," I say, feeling hopeful at the prospect of staying together.
"Okay." He nods, mostly to himself. "Okay. Because, I mean also, if we break up now and I'm suddenly miserable, people will notice, so that'd be dangerous too. But if we are going to stay together, we'll need to be more discreet- even if my parents don't see us together, we need to be more practiced at not acting like we're dating."
"Yeah. For sure."
"Only in this room, then. That's the only time we can act like this. In public- we're just friends. That way, any changes in our behaviour will be small enough to hopefully go unnoticed, but it should hopefully keep more people from figuring anything out."
"Okay. " I grin, and Axel moves to sit beside me on the bed. We share a smile for a few moments, before he reaches over and pulls me in for a kiss.
Only five chapters left...
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