Axel and I make out for two glorious minutes before his phone buzzes, and we both jump as though we've been caught. He looks like he's considering ignoring it, before he caves and pulls it out of his pocket to check it.
He goes completely pale. Dread pools in my stomach, deep and heavy.
"Is it..."
He shakes his head a little, still staring at the screen. "Um. It's-" his voice cracks. "It's Daily."
I mean, I feel like that's significantly better than his parents texting him that he's been disowned, but clearly it's still bad. I watch him, concerned as he swallows.
After another moment, he gingerly places the phone down on the bed between us, facing it towards me so I can read it.
Daily:
Hey, just wanted to check in on you? You seemed kinda down today, and you and Nash were kinda awkward around each other... did you guys break up or something?
Oh.
There's more, saying he's there to talk and whatever, but none of that is really significant. The main part is that Daily also knows about Axel and I.
I read it a few times. He doesn't say anything about how he came to this conclusion, though the overall tone of the message implies that he hasn't told anyone else and isn't planning to. But still. It's like with Keira- it's not that it's Daily who figured it out, it's just that someone was able to. And this time, someone closer to Axel, who might have figured it out through his behaviour. Which would mean...
Axel and I both stare at the phone for a few more moments, then at each other. He looks helpless, his eyes wide and scared as he looks at me. I want to help him, but I don't know how.
"I'm going... to call him," Axel says quietly, picking up the phone and tapping it a few times before holding it up to his ear. He waits a moment, then says, "Hi, Daily. Are you alone right now? Can anyone else hear what we're saying?"
There's a pause.
"Okay. Well. Um- how did you know? About Nash and I?"
There's a longer pause this time, during which Axel looks increasingly nauseous until he finally says, "Right. Um. Okay. Well... please don't tell anyone. That I'm gay, or about Nash and I."
He starts to pull the phone away from his ear, which allows me to hear Daily's, "Wait, wait, wait, so did you guys break up or not?"
Axel sighs, says, "I don't know, Daily," and then hangs up the phone. He drops it back onto the bed, looking overwhelmed and sick to his stomach. I don't feel much better.
"Axel-"
"No- Nash, I- I think we have to... end this."
I look at him for a long time, and he looks down at the bed. Finally, I manage to say, "If that's what you really want to do."
"I don't," he says, sounding understandably frustrated, looking up at me with red-rimmed eyes. "I don't want to lose you. But I don't see another way out, here. Daily found out because of me. Because of how much time I spend around you, how happy I always seem around you, and yeah, there was that little hint when he walked in on us at the hotel, but Daily isn't the most observant guy and my parents scrutinize my every move, so they'll know for sure." His voice is cracking, chest heaving with sobs. "They built me. They broke me down for my entire childhood and rebuilt me how they wanted, they programmed me to crave their approval and even if I'm starting to learn to put myself first, they can see right through me because they know how I function better than anyone. I can only exist in the ways they want me to exist, as an image instead of a human being and if they look at me closely enough, they can practically read my mind. And you- you make me so happy but- I- I can't-" he breaks down completely, burying his face in his arms.
I crawl over to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders comfortingly. "I can't even imagine what they put you through," I murmur. "I'm so sorry."
He turns to put his arms around me, pulling me into his lap so he can bury his face in my neck. I put my other arm around him, slowly rubbing his back.
"Thank you for trusting me," I whisper, carding my fingers through his hair. He lets his head fall back, looking at me with teary eyes.
"I don't want to lose you," he whispers. I cup his face in my hands and use my thumbs to wipe his tears away.
"Maybe you don't have to just yet, not completely. We can just take a break."
Axel lets out a pained noise. "That sounds worse. To still be together but like, partially available."
"We don't have to have it mean that. We can make it mean however we want. It can mean that we're still exclusive. It's not like either of us dated a lot before this, so it won't be suspicious. We'll just... not do couple-y things. Here, or anywhere else. But we can meet every, I don't know, two weeks to reevaluate, so that we still feel like there's something left, rather than being completely broken up. We can use this as kind of a reset period- it'll be easier to be normal as friends around each other in public, and we won't be as miserable as if we actually did break up. If we decide it isn't working, we can choose to actually break up later. And if we think we've re-learned how not to be a couple-y around each other in public, we can get back together- but only for in here."
He takes a few breaths, thinking it over. He's calmed down a lot now, which I think is a good sign. "Alright. And if we do decide to break up after two weeks or a month, we'll be less miserable about it because we'd have already been on a break for a bit."
"Yeah, exactly."
"But... we are still exclusive? No other people?"
I smile, stroking his cheek. "Axel. There isn't anyone else I'd want, either way. I'm not going to go to gay bars and hook up with random guys even if we do break up."
He slumps a little, relieved. "Okay."
I smirk. "Getting jealous?"
He makes a face at me. "Shut up. If you want to be with other people, go right ahead."
"I don't," I assure him. "You're just cute."
He rolls his eyes, and I'm glad to see that he seems relatively okay now. "You're the cute one. So... we're on a break, then?"
"Yeah," I say softly, enjoying our closeness for one more second before reluctantly letting go of him and shuffling out of his lap.
"Okay. I should probably go then." He looks at me longingly for a moment, before leaning over and pressing his lips to mine for one achingly precious moment, before moving away and leaving.
â â
The day after we decide to go on a break is awkward and a little painful. Knowing that we aren't officially together anymore is hard. I miss him already.
I can tell he feels the same way, but both of us try to put on a good show of friends for the other people who hang out with us. I can tell that we're not being totally convincing, but I feel like that's fair. We're still figuring out how to do this, how to be around each other with our relationship in the state of limbo that it is.
It's easier than if we had broken up, though. There's still a bit of hope for us, and that small fact keeps me from being completely miserable.
Even so. I miss him.
I miss the brief touches we'd manage to get away with in public, just brushing our hands together before moving away. I miss the small smirks and smiles we'd share when nobody else was looking at us. I miss the flirting that we disguised as friendly teasing to get away with it in front of our friends. I miss the little moments we stole together, hiding in little nooks to kiss when we had the chance.
I miss knowing that at the end of the school day, sometime within this week, we'd go to my house together. I miss having those hours alone together to look forward to. I miss even just being in his car, just the two of us, holding hands over the console, enjoying each other's presence.
Now I'm left clinging to the remaining shards of hope for us, for our relationship. Hope that we might be able to make this work, might be able to get back together again. All I can do is wait and pray for the best case scenario; that Axel feels safe enough, feels secure enough in his parents' ignorance of his actions, that he's okay with getting back together.
A whole week passes. It's gotten progressively worse and better at the same time. I'm getting used to being around him in public, around other people, and pretending that all we've ever been is friends. It's getting easier to do. But it's hurting more, because I miss him more, and I'm just scared that he's going to decide that this is the way it should be all the time. We're halfway to our designated meet-up time, when we'll re-evaluate our relationship and whether to keep doing what we've been doing, or break up, or get back together.
I keep thinking about it. What it'll be like to be alone with him in his car, and whether or not the silence between us will be comfortable. And what it'll be like to have him back in my room, alone together. If we'll kiss, just to take the edge off for the next two weeks. If we'll barely talk at all, just say what we want to do and then be done. Or if it'll be a huge emotional thing like it was a week ago.
Regardless of what it looks like, I'll be happy just to be close to him again. Just to be alone with him, be able to stop pretending. Even if it's super awkward and tense. Even if... we have to break up.
I really hope we don't break up.
Another week passes, and then I'm in his car, and he's driving to my house. We don't hold hands over the console, and though the silence isn't tense, it's tinged with just enough awkwardness to keep it from being comfortable, despite the fact that both of us are clearly both relieved to be able to let down our guard and stop pretending that all we've ever been is friends.
We get to my house, and go up to my room, where he sits on the desk chair and I sit on my bed and we look at each other for what feels like hours.
I can tell that we both want to get back together. But everything about his demeanour is hesitant enough for me to know that that can't happen yet. We're going to have to keep doing this for a little while longer.
"So," I start, unsure.
"So," he echoes.
"Um... has this been going well for you, so far? Like, your parents haven't figured anything out?"
He shakes his head. "It's been going well the way we've been doing it. I think... we should keep doing that. Just for a bit longer."
"Hey." I give him a weak smile. "No rush. If you need time, I will gladly give you time. Of course I want to get back together, but only if you're ready, and you'll be able to stay safe."
"Okay." He gives me a small smile in return. "Thank you. For, you know. Doing this. Waiting for me."
"Of course," I say gently. "Take as long as you need."
So... thoughts on the chapter? What do you think of Daily figuring out Nash and Axel's relationship? And Axel's fear of his parents finding out? How about their plan to go on a break?
If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider giving it a vote or comment! Thank you so much for reading :)