Not being with Nash is painful.
I mean, I still see him every day at school, but knowing that we're not together makes it really difficult. I miss him. So much. I miss knowing that he's mine to touch and kiss and hold, as well as actually being able to do those things. And I know that he'd take me back in a second if I asked for it, which makes this somehow harder.
Nash makes me feel like my own person, instead of an extension of my parents. He makes me genuinely believe that he cares about me for me. He still does, even with our relationship being on a 'break'. He's still sarcastic and clever and whenever he smiles or laughs, I get this twisty feeling in my stomach because he's just so beautiful. His personality, his appearance, everything about him- I can't focus whenever he's around. Treating him like just another one of my friends feels wrong. I want to treasure him, adore him. Be with him like I used to. I hate feeling like I'm hiding him, because he deserves to be shown off to the world.
But he's not out. I'm not out. And my parents would disown me if they found out about our relationship.
And he's so understanding. He's been so comforting and compassionate since this all started, and I've told him more about myself than I've ever told anyone, ever. And he gets it, and he's waiting for me, and he's doing everything he can to make this as easy for me as possible, since he knows how awful my parents are, and it just makes me want him more.
I hate that I have to make this choice between Nash and my parents. Well- really, I have to choose between the greatest happiness I've ever felt, and having a livelihood. And I know that's not honestly a completely new thing. People have to make choices like this every day. Between wants and needs. I want Nash, desperately. But I need food and shelter, and my parents will take those things away if they find out.
When I think about it like this, it seems like a really easy choice. But I still stubbornly want to have both. The heart wants what it wants.
I want to believe that if Nash and I can fake friendship easily enough, then maybe we'll be able to go back to having our secret relationship, and I'll be able to keep it hidden from my parents, and I'll still be able to be with Nash. But then I remember what my parents are like. It's not a matter of how well I'm able to hide it- it's a matter of how hard they care to look. It's impossible to hide things from them. They're incredibly manipulative- if they really want to know, they'll do their psychological digging and break me down until I'm sobbing and incapable of lying. Sure, maybe that sounds dramatic. It's not an exaggeration.
I know I really have no hope of hiding a relationship from them if they get suspicious enough to start looking for evidence. I have to choose decisively. If I try for a relationship with Nash again, I have to be prepared for the possibility of my parents finding out. And the possibility of my parents finding out if terrifying, but so is the idea that my relationship with Nash is permanently over, and what we had is never going to happen again.
I mean. I don't really know what love feels like, romantic love. But I think I might be in love with Nash. And I'm nowhere near ready to let him go. But it's also not fair to string him along like this.
I hate this.
And I only hate it more the longer it goes on. Another two weeks pass, and Nash and I stay on our break. We're pretty good at acting like friends now, but I know it won't make any difference if my parents decide to interrogate me.
I'm starting to care less about that, though. Maybe I'm tricking myself into believing that they'll leave me alone, or maybe I'm just forgetting to remember that if they find out, they'll kick me to the curb. All I can think about is Nash and how badly I want to be with him. I miss him so much.
And then my parents leave for a business trip, and for some reason- I don't know, maybe I subconsciously believe the threat to be gone forever- that's it. I find Nash at the end of the school day, even though it's only been a week since our last check-in. He's at his locker when I find him.
"Nash," I breathe, feeling really free for some reason. I don't know why it feels like all my problems are solved- my parents' leave is temporary. Maybe it's just the opportunity. I don't know.
"Axel," he responds, looking kind of surprised. "Hi?"
"Hi. Can I come over?"
He perks up a little, eagerly searching my face. "Yes."
"Great."
We go to my car, and I can feel his questioning gaze on me as I start the engine, pulling out of my parking spot and driving towards his house.
"Axel?"
I glance over at him, my heart almost bursting with happiness at the idea of having him back. "I know it hasn't been two weeks, I just..."
He looks at me with an open, vulnerable expression, reaching across the console to offer me his hand. I take it, intertwining our fingers and letting out a small sigh of relief. When I look back at Nash, he's wearing a small smile.
I know this choice I'm making right now could- and probably will- have enormous consequences. But right now, I'm just so happy to be with him that I can't find it within myself to care.
We arrive at my house, parking on the street. I pause getting out of the car, though, frowning at the vehicle in the driveway. I turn back to Axel, holding up a finger, before going to inspect the vehicle.
It's definitely my parents'. There's some stuff inside it, but not their phones or anything, so they're not just popping in to grab something before leaving again. I sigh. Seriously? The day that Axel wants to get back together (I assume- or, at least, I hope) has to be the day my parents show up. My luck is terrible.
I go back to Axel's car, getting in the passenger side and sighing, frustrated. Axel looks at me questioningly from the driver's seat. "Your parents are home?"
"Yeah. Can you believe that?"
"That's pretty unfortunate." He pauses, then says, "We could go to my house."
I stare at him, not entirely sure if this is what I think it's going to be after all. If his parents find out about us, he'll be disowned. We can't just go to his house to rekindle our relationship.
"My parents left for a business trip yesterday," he explains. Which. Oh. Suddenly I'm a lot less sure about this whole thing. Is that why this is happening today? Does he want a permanent relationship with me, or just to be together while his parents are gone?
"Hey," he says softly, reaching across the console to take my hand. "It's not because of that- well, just because of that. I miss you, Nash. So much. This just seemed like a good opportunity- we'll be able to get through the suspicious stuff without them being here. Like, the random sudden happiness, and then figuring out how this is going to work and everything. I mean, if you want it. I don't want to assume. But I want to be with you, Nash. I- I care about you so much, and I can't stand just being friends."
I let out a small breath of relief. "Yeah. Me too- to, like, all of that. I miss you. I want to be with you. I care about you so much, and I want..."
We share a smile, before I avert my eyes, grinning to myself as I buckle my seatbelt. "Okay. So, your house?"
"Yeah," he breathes, starting the car.
The drive to Axel's house is comforting and happy. I feel so relieved, knowing that we're going to be back together, now. I was so scared before, that I might never have another chance with him, that he might decide to just break up entirely. And... now I might have a chance to tell him that I'm in love with him. Which. I really, really am. He means so much to me, and the sheer amount of joy that I get from knowing that we're going to be together again, and seeing how happy that makes him- I can't even explain it. I love him.
And just by the look on his face whenever he glances over at me- I think he might be in love with me too.
We get to his house, both madly grinning as we speed-walk down the hallway to the library. He closes the door behind us, locking it for good measure (because of his brother, I assume) while I slide onto the piano bench, flexing my fingers as I open the cover. I play a quick chord or two, then launch immediately into a love song.
I manage to get through the first chorus before I feel Axel sliding onto the bench next to me, one arm around my waist and resting his head on my shoulder. I stop playing, prompting him to lift his head up and look at me. I turn, and a moment later his lips are on mine. I wrap both arms around his neck, holding onto him as tightly as I can. He hums softly, turning his head to deepen the kiss, and I let out a soft whimper.
When we finally come up for air, he leans his forehead against mine, smiling. "I missed you so much, Nash. So much. I can't even tell you."
I slump against him, pulling back to bury my face in the crook of his neck. I take a deep breath, feeling slightly overwhelmed by how intensely relieving it is to be with him like this, how incredibly happy my heart is, and how ridiculously much I love him. "Me too. I'm so happy to have you back. So happy my chest aches."
"Yeah," he says softly, kissing the top of my head. "And I'm sure you're happy to have the piano back as well."
I look up at him, grinning. "You know me too well."
He leans down to peck at my lips once more. "I do. Play another song."
So I sit upright again, and Axel shifts so he can rest his head against my shoulder while I play, and I play another love song (one that I actually finish this time). And honestly, there's no place in the world I'd rather be.
Except, of course, the place I end up in ten minutes later- in his lap, with his lips pressed against mine.
It's a genuine relief.
Part of me knows that we'll still have to deal with things. Pretending not to be as extraordinarily happy as we are, making sure Axel's parents don't find out about us, and trying to keep everyone else from figuring it out again as well (Keira and Daily think we broke up instead of going on a break, and I kind of feel like a terrible person for lying to my best friend, but Axel feeling safe is the most important thing, and I know I would feel a lot worse if I actually betrayed his trust like that). But I find that I don't honestly care that much about whatever obstacles we might face, right now. I'm just happy to have him back, and I'll do anything to keep him.
What do you think of the chapter? Axel's parents going on a business trip? Nash and Axel getting back together? Any predictions for the next chapters?
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