Being back with Axel is amazing. It's an intensely relieving, almost cathartic feeling, that informs me of just how much I missed him while we were on our break. We didn't even break up entirely, but my entire life feels so much brighter just knowing that we're back together.
Of course, we can only see each other once or twice a week, not wanting to get too used to being couple-y in private and start letting it spill over into our public performance of 'friendship'. We do see each other every day, though, so it's enough. I mean, considering that we're both closeted to pretty much everyone other than the two or three people we're closest to, and the consequences if Axel's parents find out, the little moments we get alone have to be enough. I just try to focus on being with him when we are together and how happy he makes me, instead of how I'm longing to be with him the rest of the time. Which. I mean, both are clearly happening. But this is all we can afford to have, so. It's enough, and it does make me so much happier.
Also, now that my focus isn't completely dedicated to missing Axel like it was while we were on a break, I notice the sad looks Keira and Cody are both giving me (and something tells me they've been giving me these looks for the past month). After a day or so, though, Cody starts grinning at me again, clapping me on the shoulder. "Hey, man! Glad you've finally stopped moping around all the time. It was getting a bit concerning."
I roll my eyes. "It wasn't that noticeable."
He snorts. "You barely noticed that you were even moping. You were so out of it that you didn't even know you were out of it. That's kinda concerning."
I wave him off. "It was just a family thing. Parents messing around in my life and all that."
He gives me a sympathetic look. "That sucks. But they flew out again?"
"Yup. No idea when they'll be back, but I'm glad they're gone."
Keira's giving me a look at this point, and I don't know if it has to do with the stuff I'm saying about my parents or the thing that actually happened, because both seem like equally valid reasons.
"Hey! You guys coming?"
I glance across the hallway to see Peyton boredly looking at his phone, next to Daily, who is giving us a bright smile and waving.
"You go, I'll catch up," I tell Cody, who nods and leaves, no longer concerned about me now that my fake parent-problems have been resolved. Keira hangs back and gives me a look as I finish filling up my locker.
"Really, Nash?"
I turn to her, seeing that she's still giving me the look that could be for one of two things. "Okay, I genuinely don't know if you're giving me that look because of my parents or the fact that I was lying."
She gives me even more of a look, crossing her arms. "Both. And what happened with you and Axel? You seemed kinda off since..." she lowers her voice, sounding a bit guilty now, "I found out. But now you seem okay again? But not like you're back to dating."
The relief that washes over me when she says that last part is immense. "Yeah. We're just friends now." Okay, and I also feel a bit guilty for lying to her, but Axel's safety obviously comes first. We can't afford for anyone to know.
"Alright." She still looks a bit concerned. "And... do you still, you know, like him? Does he still like you?"
I lift a shoulder. "I mean, yeah. Feelings can't just be erased immediately. But we agreed that the stakes were too high, so. Friends."
"Okay." She still sounds guilty, or maybe dubious? I can't tell. "Well... I'm glad you seem to be happier now, at least. Did you guys talk, or something? Because just like, a few days ago, you seemed pretty upset. Or, I don't know. Distracted."
"Yeah. We talked, figured things out. We're good now."
"Alright. I'm glad to hear that." She gives me a small smile. "If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. For anything, 'kay?"
"Okay." I give her a smile in return, doing my best to keep it from looking strained despite my guilt at lying to her. This is probably why people come out- because then you don't have to keep your relationships secret and lie to all your friends.
I mean. And because then you're not hiding a part of your identity.
That thought makes me feel kinda guilty too, though. Because I think I do want to come out. And I'd be able to if I wasn't dating Axel. And that thought makes me feel guilty, even though it's true.
A few days later, we're alone in my room, cuddling while we take a break from making out. I haven't really been able to shake the little shard of guilt in my chest, but I feel more guilty for not telling Axel about it. It feels like I'm lying to him, even though it's not really that important. I know I'm overthinking it, but I don't want to be a horrible boyfriend, so I say, "Axel?"
He pecks my forehead. "Yeah?"
"I kinda wish we could come out." Because even though I wouldn't mind being able to be out by myself, I would never choose that over being with Axel. I'd much rather be able to be with him. "I mean, I know why we can't. And I'm not going to come out or tell anyone about us. But. You know."
"Yeah. I wish we could, too. It sucks, having to sneak around and be scared of my parents." He sighs. "But..."
I snuggle closer to him. "It would suck more not to have you at all," I murmur, and he gives me a small smile, tilting my face up so he can kiss me.
"It would."
â â
I wish that what I had told Cody had been the truth.
No, I don't mean that I wish I told him about my relationship with Axel. I mean I wish my parents were actually gone.
They came back a few days ago from whenever the heck they disappeared off to (conveniently just in time to keep Axel and I from being able to rekindle our relationship in the safer privacy of my room, rather than the somewhat paranoid feeling of his house), and they're still here. Intermittently coming and going. With no real schedule as to when they are and aren't home, aside from randomly being home whenever it's super inconvenient for me.
Axel and I got lucky a few days ago, when they weren't home after school for one of our weekly 'dates'. On a Friday off school, however, they for some reason decide to settle down in their offices and stay there for the entire day. I'd hoped they'd be going somewhere for the day so that I could bring Axel over, but no.
Fortunately, his parents are still off on their business trip, so he comes to pick me up and we go to his house instead. We agreed not to spend any time together at his house when they are home, but seeing as they left for a two-week long trip one week ago, we figure we're probably fine. We decide not to do any heavy making out just in case, though. Just so we don't get used to being able to do gay things at his house.
As previously mentioned, though, being at Axel's house isn't necessarily somewhere we can have any kind of peace of mind doing anything together. So we go out first (even though we can't do any gay things in public), to a movie. Some action movie we've both seen already. We spend most of it holding hands between our seats and making bad jokes at even worse times and snickering at the straight people in the movie doing straight people things at the worst possible times.
Then we head back to his house and hang out in the library. I play him love songs and he sits next to me on the piano bench and hums along to the ones he knows, occasionally peppering little kisses over my neck and shoulder to see if he can distract me, and turning my head to kiss me between songs.
The next day, my parents disappear again. So even though we just saw each other yesterday, Axel comes over and we make up for all of the making out that we missed out on yesterday since we were in public and then at his house where we can't fully enjoy it. It's really, really great. Even though I kind of still wish we could have an un-closeted relationship, getting to be in a relationship with Axel is all that I need. This, what we're doing right now, is enough for me. More than enough. I'm happy.
I leave Nash's house high on pure bliss. Getting to be with him alone two days in a row- I feel so lucky. He makes me so happy. So happy.
I get home at a pretty reasonable time. Even though my parents are on their business trip, I want to keep up the habit of getting home at times that won't be suspicious.
I'm about to unlock the front door with my own key when my brother opens it. I smile and open my mouth to thank him, before I see the dread on his face. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"They're back," he whispers. "And they-"
"Jason, dear, why don't you go upstairs?" My mother appears behind him, smiling in that way. The one where she looks pleased and satisfied and like everything is good, right before she destroys someone's life. My chest constricts as she sends Jase off, opening the door wider to invite me in. With anyone else, that might be some polite, innocuous thing to do, but with my mother, I know she's intentionally reminding me that this is her property, her house, and she can kick me out just as easily as she can let me in.
I come inside, and she's just closed the door behind me when she says, "How's Nash, dear?"
For a second I think I might be having a heart attack. It genuinely feels like my heart stops.
To anyone else, it might sound like she genuinely cares about my friend's wellbeing. But I hear it as the knowing threat it is, those simple three words bringing my world to a screeching halt.
They know.
My father is smiling at me pleasantly from his armchair in the living room. His throne, Jason and I used to call it when we were little, before we realized that that's basically what it is. If you're standing in front of him when he's sitting in that chair, half the time you're getting beheaded.
"Hello, son. Aren't you going to answer your mother?"
"He's good," I croak out, feeling numb. This can't be happening.
My mother comes to stand behind her husband, resting a hand on top of the back of the chair. Both of them are wearing these manufactured, pleasant smiles that tell me it's over. I failed them, and now they're going to discard me in the most painful and psychologically scarring way possible.
"Well, Axel? Don't you care to know about our trip?" my mother asks. Her tone is cool and condescending.
"How was your trip?" I manage to get out, my voice trembling.
"Very successful," my dad informs me. "We went to go check on one of our assets. Turned out to be faulty."
I swallow.
"It's a shame," my mother says. "We had so much hope. We did everything we could. But, you know how it is."
They stand there, looking at me with those terrifying smiles. The hidden meaning of their words isn't lost on me. I'm the 'asset'. I stand in front of them, waiting for my inevitable punishment.
"I'm sure you're very tired," my mother says abruptly. "Why don't you go to sleep, dear? We'll tell you all about our trip in the morning."
I stand there, staring at them for a moment. They're going to drag this out. Of course. There's so much more they can do to hurt me, than throwing me out of the house immediately. I'm tempted to disobey, to refuse, but I know it's futile. So I turn and go upstairs to my room, knowing I won't be getting any sleep tonight.
So, thoughts on the chapter? Nash lying to his friends, and his desire to come out? How about Axel's parents coming back from their business trip? What do you think they'll do now that they know? Tell me all your thoughts in the comments!
If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider giving it a vote! Thank you so much for reading!