Picture this: a completely normal Tuesday morning. I'm feeling a little tired but mostly okay. Slightly less bad about the whole being a complete jerk to Axel thing, since I've been not openly hostile towards him like he asked, and everything seems to be okay. I can kind of trick myself into believing that I've made up for being a horrible person towards him, even though I know deep down that it's nowhere near enough. That's fine. I just have to never go that deep.
I show up to school for morning band practice. I'm feeling relatively okay, still. Ready to actually argue with Keira again.
And then. I get to the band room.
And guess who's already talking to Keira?
Huge shocker. Axel King.
I am immediately consumed with silent fury. That's my best friend. One of the only people who can actually tolerate my existence. Not even my parents can be around me for longer than Cody, not that they actually try. Keira is pretty much the only person I have.
But, let me remind you. This isn't because she actually genuinely enjoys my company, or because we get along on some special level. We just tolerate each other, and we know each other well enough that being friends is easier than it would be with anyone else. I'm too cynical for other people. She's too argumentative.
But here's the thing. Axel King is a really good person. And there is not even a tiny speck of doubt in my mind that he would be able to not just tolerate Keira, but enjoy her company for something like her intellectual debates or something like that.
So that's where this rage is coming from. Not possessiveness of my best friend or anything like that, I'm not that messed up. I'm just really, really scared. Because honestly, I have nothing over Axel King when it comes to Keira except the fact that I've known her longer. That's it. It's kind of completely obvious that she's going to prefer talking to him over me.
Not that I really think she'd completely drop me. Axel has enough friends that he wouldn't be able to spend every second with her. But I'm pretty sure that he's good enough of a general human being and friend that Keira will one hundred percent like him better, want to spend time with him more, and probably tolerate me a lot less.
Am I incredibly insecure and have no self-esteem? Yes, absolutely. Is it for good reason? Again, yes. Absolutely.
So the second that I set eyes on my best friend talking to the most perfect human being probably on this entire planet, I really just want to leave. Right then and there. Just run away. Go home and never come back to school, never face any of these people again and never ever ever face the reality that Keira will almost definitely prefer the object of my resentment and jealousy to me.
Instead, I force myself to go inside the classroom and take my seat and silently assemble my instrument with careful, slow-moving precision. I could probably do this blindfolded, but I keep my eyes down and block out the rest of the world. Go numb to it, lock away the sheer terror somewhere deep inside me where I can't feel it.
I go through the rehearsal mechanically. I go through the day mechanically, ignoring absolutely everything around me until lunch hour.
And then Keira starts telling me about how she was talking to Axel this morning during rehearsal and he's so nice and perfect and I can't help but compare everything to myself and feel myself simultaneously get brought back to life by my anger and go even number with my fear, and then she sighs in this very specific way, and her eyes are starry as she's looking up into space like he's some sort of dream, and I think that's when I lose it.
I don't actually know the exact words that come out of my mouth. I just know it's something along the lines of, "You know he'll never like you, right?"
And then she comes back down to Earth in this one snap, and she's looking at me and her eyes have gone from starry to completely ice cold. "What is that supposed to mean?"
And now I'm on a roll, and somewhere I know that I'm trying to protect myself by hurting myself before she can hurt me by choosing him, because she is the only person in my life who has ever shown any semblance of actually caring about me and I'm deeply insecure and losing that would destroy me so by some twisted logic, forcing it away from myself makes it easier. Making it happen now, because I'm being a jerk to her, rather than later, because he's just better than me even when I am trying to be nice- that seems like it could be easier to manage for me. Rip off the band-aid. "He's way out of your league. And you've been telling us about how perfect he is this entire time- do you really think he'll like you? Like, even as a friend, there's only so long he'll want to-"
And then she gets up and leaves.
And just like that, she's gone.
â â
Naturally, I need to blame someone else so that I don't drown in guilt and depression all by myself. Misery loves company, after all. And there's only one person I wanted to bring down with me, even though I really should just be leaving him alone by now.
Axel King.
It's easier to blame all of your own shortcomings on someone else. Pretend that it's their fault that your life is ruined, even when it's your own. He's everything I've ever wanted to be- having even one of the endless things that he has going for him would be enough to make my parents love me, enough that I would have friends and a girlfriend and all the love and validation I could ever need. Instead, I'm over here with incredible musical talent that I'm too lazy to really put to good use, and a whole ton of resentment.
So dismissal comes around. I wait outside the aux gym and scan the crowds for him. A better part of me hopes that he doesn't come this way, that he leaves out the front entrance instead so that I won't see him until tomorrow and all the hurt inside me will have settled instead of being somewhere where I can easily just spew it at other people.
To the delight of the rest of me, which is currently just wanting to be angry at someone, Axel does indeed come down this hallway. When he sees me, he gives me a slight smile, and easily follows me when I tilt my head in the direction of the door.
Once the door is closed behind him, I turn and give him my harshest glare. "Really? My best friend?"
He tilts his head like he's confused. "Sorry- is this about Keira?"
"Yes. Why would you go after her? You can have anyone you want, you have girls throwing themselves at you left and right, but like some kind of sadist you decide that you need to have all of them pining after you, only to be turned down when-"
"Okay-" he's holding up a hand, trying to get me to stop, but I'm on a roll now and there is no stopping me.
"You just kick them aside, knowing full well that you're so perfect that they'll never stop coming after you, so you can play with their hearts however you want, and maybe that was a little okay when it wasn't my best friend, but now you decide to go after Keira? Really-"
"Hey, she talked to me, and she actually told me earlier that you-"
"BEING PERFECT ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERYONE KNOW IT AND-"
"HEY." He's angry now, glowering down at me because yeah, of course he's taller than me. Naturally. "I am not perfect, and I don't do whatever you're saying I do- I don't intentionally lead girls on or try to make them fall in love with me like some sort of game. They're human beings, and I view them as human beings and treat them as friends. Keira's smart and analytical and interesting to talk to. I'm not trying to steal your best friend or break her heart, and I'm certainly not to blame if you're jealous of me, because that's what it sounds like."
I stare at him for a moment. "Jealous- it's not. Okay. Yeah, sure. 'If'? Really. Your entire life is perfect. You have the entire world at your feet. The entire world. I have nothing. You hear me? Nothing. OF COURSE I'M JEALOUS OF YOU!"
I'm past the point of vulnerable now. I can't even look at him. I feel completely naked- stripped bare, nothing protecting me. And as any logical person would, my first instinct is to run away. Hide. Protect myself.
So I turn towards the door. "Never mind. You wouldn't get it anyways."
"Hey, wait."
"No-"
"Look at me."
I do, mostly out of what feels like spite but is probably closer to self-hate. He's closer to me now, his expression soft and not showing any signs of pity.
"I'm not perfect, Nash. I can see why you think that- my life does look pretty perfect from the outside. But I promise, it doesn't feel like I have the entire world at my feet. And if I'm being honest, I've always kind of wanted to be like you."
I blink. This had better not be one of those rich people pity parties, where they complain about having to deal with attention and money problems. Because no. You're rich. Buy yourself a therapist.
"Like- you can play, what, five different instruments? I've always really liked music, but I don't have much talent for it. And I don't have a lot of time to practice, and even when I do I get frustrated pretty easily." He's smiling at the ground now. "But it comes so easily to you. You enjoy practicing, and you're usually the only person in the class that Ms. Vaken doesn't yell at. She'd probably have booted me from the band by now if she could- my parents want me to quit anyways, they say it could bring down my GPA. But... music makes me happy. I just wish I was better at it."
I blink at him. "Um. Seven."
He frowns a little. "Sorry?"
"I play seven instruments."
He smiles a little more, tilting his head at me. "Really?"
"Clarinet, drums, flute, guitar, oboe, piano, and trumpet."
"You play the trumpet?"
I nod. He perks up a little. â¨â¨"So... sorry, I know this is probably way too much to ask, but... could you teach me?"
I look at him suspiciously. "You know how to play. You've been playing trumpet for three years."
He lifts a shoulder. "Not well."
I can't actually argue with that, so I sigh deeply instead, weighing the pros and cons. On the pros, he'd be a better trumpet player which would benefit the band, and it would probably ease the guilt I've been dealing with for being a jerk to him. On the cons, I'm still kind of hurting and wanting to blame him for everything, and I'd have to spend time with him which makes it very likely that I'd end up being a jerk to him even more. "I mean..."
"You don't have to, of course, but... I'd pay you," he says, still looking at me imploringly. And damn. I can kind of see why so many people want to be friends with him. Because I feel very special and like the only human being in the entire world right now.
"Actually- rather than paying me, could you... teach me instead?" I ask before I can change my mind. â¨â¨His brow furrows in confusion. "Teach you what?"
"How to be a good person. Or at least a charismatic person. How to have friends and get girls and all that."
He smirks a little. "Is that a yes to teaching me how to play the trumpet, then?"
I raise an eyebrow at him. He grins.
"Yes."
"Fine."
And so it begins.
What do you think of the chapter? Did you predict Axel befriending Keira? How do you feel about Nash's reaction? And his conversation with Axel at the end? Let me know all your thoughts!
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