Axel and I keep meeting, usually once or twice a week at his house. I keep teaching him to improve his trumpet skills, and he basically teaches me his own personal human psychology course. Of course, I do the other things he suggested as well- the hygiene stuff, and every once in a while he'll reappraise my appearance and suggest something else for me to do.
Keira and I are still not speaking, which makes school life hard. I kind of get through the day like Cody does- not really talking much to anyone during classes, and hanging out together at lunch. We move to the couches near my locker instead though, because first of all, I don't know where Keira is eating lunch anymore and I feel way too guilty to even chance seeing her, and second, I'm hoping that the girls Cody and I used to stare at will kind of forget that we used to do that when I try to move in on them.
I considered sharing my newfound knowledge on how to talk to girls with Cody, but I decided against it. Mostly because I don't know how to explain it as well as Axel does, and because I don't have any idea how to explain that I'm now going to a giant mansion twice a week which is home to the person I used to hate and also kind of destroyed my friendship with Keira over. So. Yeah.
I know Axel and Keira are still friends, though from what I've heard from him, she's not talking to him as much. I'm not entirely sure if it's because of me or something else, but I feel guilty for it anyways.
Guilt is such a disgusting feeling. I hate it. It's all heavy and sickening and overwhelming.
Fortunately, I have (mostly) appeased my guilt for being a horrible person to Axel by teaching him trumpet, though I am sort of also really benefitting from it. I tell myself that I'm making up for it by letting him kind of befriend me. I mean, I wouldn't say we're friends. I'd say I don't resent him anymore, which I force myself to believe is enough.
Anyways.
"I really think you should apologize to Keira," Axel tells me one day, just before his trumpet lesson. "You'll feel better. And you'll both be happier."
"Start with this," I tell him, picking the hardest song we have for band purely out of spite.
"You can't feel good about it. And it's going to be really hard to avoid her when we go on the band trip."
I ignore him, setting up the metronome app on my phone.
"Plus, you guys have been inseparable pretty much since grade nine, right? I'm sure you don't want to-"
"We weren't inseparable," I interrupt without really wanting to. "It was more just a convenient friendship, since we're both pretty difficult to deal with and we were the only people who could tolerate each other every day."
"Maybe that's how it started," he counters. "But I'm sure you got a lot closer after that. Four years is a lot of time to just tolerate someone."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was just toleration. She's super argumentative and nagged me about everything, and I'm super cynical and resentful and she had to deal with my constant sarcastic remarks- usually by nagging me about being nicer."
"But you understood each other. You never got genuinely upset by all of her nagging and arguing, and she never got genuinely upset by your cynicism and sarcasm."
"Oh no, we did. She got super pissed at me for being rude to you about the aux gym."
"But then you worked it out."
That part is true. Keira knows me well enough to know how much it takes for me to actually apologize and admit to being wrong, and she didn't push it because she knew what it meant. And she was a little softer about berating me while I was still in the mode of letting her lecture me for my own punishment. And it's not like I've never gotten sick of her nagging, but whenever I did she'd send me a paragraph apology afterwards which was essentially a tiny sorry at the top and then a huge explanation for it, but I didn't mind that she was trying to justify herself despite simultaneously insinuating that she was wrong because I knew she felt bad enough for it.
"You get each other," Axel says softly. "And you care about each other. Otherwise this wouldn't still be weighing on both of you. You both would have let it go a long time ago if you didn't care."
Which. Yeah. He's right. I don't like that he's right, because it implies that he knows both me and my best friend better than I do, but it's also starting to seem like he does, so. Not much I can do about that from here, anyways.
I go to Keira's house over the weekend, hoping I can somehow convince her not to slam the door on me and then never talk to me again.
I knock on the door, still trying to decide what to say. I spent the entire bus ride here trying to figure it out, and I still have no idea.
She opens it. She's already wearing that expression- it's almost a glare, but like she didn't think I was worth the effort of putting energy into glaring. It's like a passive glower. It succeeds in making me feel both unbelievably guilty and completely worthless.
"Keira."
She blinks at me, then starts to close the door. â¨â¨"Wait, Keira- I'm sorry, please-"
Aaaaaand the door's closed. I sigh as I hear the lock click into place.
I know that I've technically apologized. I'm sure if I tried hard enough, then I could convince myself that I've done everything I can and she's just being unreasonable. But she's not. And I haven't.
I sit on her doorstep and watch the bus stop, conveniently just down the street. I contemplate getting up and banging on her door until she listens to me, but that seems pretty invasive and demanding, and she really does have the right to still be angry with me at this point. So I just kind of sit on the doorstep and wait.
The next bus comes along, and I am sorely tempted for a second to just get on it and leave, but I let it go without me. And the next one. And the next one.
Finally, about an hour and a half later, she opens the door again, still with the passive glare.
"What do you want, Nash?"
I stand up and look at her pleadingly. "I'm so sorry. I should never have said any of that to you. I was just so scared, and I know it's pathetic, but you're pretty much the only person who means anything to me, and I was terrified that you were going to choose him over me because- well, he's perfect, and I'm just me. And I thought that if I was awful to you and made you hate me, then it wouldn't hurt as much as if I was actually nice and you still chose him."
She blinks at me. "Fine. That's it?"
I stare at her for a moment, and I'm about to say yes, but I know that's the wrong answer. I do a quick observation check- it's clear she's hurt. But if she's not hurt because I was a jerk to her, then why- oh.
She's hurt because of why I was a jerk to her.
"No," I breathe. "I'm sorry. Again. Because, well. You know I'm insecure beyond belief and Axel is kind of everything I wish I was, but I still shouldn't have- pushed you away like that. I should have trusted you. Not to just dump me. I expected the worst of you and we've been friends for over three years and that was dumb because you wouldn't do that. You wouldn't do that to me, and I wouldn't do that to you and I know I would be super mad and upset and hurt if you did what I did to you, to me. So. I'm sorry for that too."
She looks down and swallows, passive glare gone. "Yeah. Okay."
"Okay," I repeat. "And I'm sorry for taking so long to stop being an idiot and come to apologize. That's because I'm a coward. Which I'm sure you've figured out by now."
"Well, yeah. Considering we've been friends for over three years, I noticed that."
"Yeah." I look at her, still very very scared. She sighs, looking more drained then anything.
"Alright. Well. I guess I accept your apology. Do you... want to come in? My parents are out, so we don't have to deal with their constant nagging."
It's really hard not to make a comment about that, but I manage it.
We go down to her basement where her outdated Xbox is hooked up, and we start setting up a game in awkward silence.
"So... what's new with you?" I ask, wincing internally at my lack of social skills.
She shrugs, eyes on the TV. "Not much. I got my band form in so I can stop being included in Ms. Vaken's morning rants."
I smile at that. "That's good."
"... How about you?"
I clear my throat uncomfortably. "Um. Well. I'm really sorry for being a total hypocrite, but... I've been teaching Axel how to play trumpet better, and he's been teaching me how to be a good person. So. I've been hanging out with him."
She turns to frown at me. "At lunches?"
"No, after school a couple days a week." So fun to be having this conversation immediately after tentatively repairing our friendship.
"Oh. When did that happen?"
"Um... Well. I. May have been a bit upset after I was a jerk to you, and I kind of. Took it out on him."
"Oh."
"I swear it wasn't some kind of possessive thing, I was just looking for someone to blame everything on and he was the most obvious person, and I know it was horrible of me, like really bad, but he kind of yelled back at me and then... I don't really know. I felt really guilty and he got really nice and asked me to help him get better at playing trumpet, and I asked him to help me be a half decent human being in return."
"I'm honestly really surprised that you managed to admit to someone other than me that you're not a half decent human being."
"Well, afterwards I amended it to charismatic. And then I kind of changed it to 'how to get girls'. So I'm still definitely a pretty bad human being."
"Well, congrats on figuring that out."
"Yeah. Thanks."
We're both silent for a bit, before she asks, "Is he the only reason you came to apologize? Because he told you to?"
I'd really like to lie and say that he didn't, I did it all on my own, but I feel like full disclosure is probably the best route here. "I mean, he helped me with it. I felt really guilty and he knew I did. So he told me I should, and then I felt emotions because you really are my best friend and I missed you, so."
"Okay." There's a pretty significant pause. "So... you guys are friends now?"
"I don't really know. It feels more like a business arrangement than anything. I tell him how to play the trumpet better and in exchange he tells me to have good hygiene and care about other people's emotions, so."
"I thought he was telling you how to 'get girls'?"
"Apparently you were right, and it's mostly about being nice but also with a bit of insight into validating feelings. So like. Being very actively nice."
"Oh, so that's why you've actually looked like a human being lately?"
"Hey."
"Hey, it's not my fault that you used to look like you'd never seen a hairbrush or facecloth before."
"It wasn't actually that bad, was it?"
"It was like you were going for the casual, tastefully messy look, but overshot and ended up looking like an overgrown weed instead."
I side-eye her. "I can't tell if you're telling the truth or not."
She smirks. "You'll never know."
And after that, everything feels a bit more normal.
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