So Axel and I stay friends. We don't hang out a lot at school, mostly because he has other friends there and so do I, but he does invite me over to his giant mansion every once in a while to hang out. He keeps finding sheet music for different instruments and challenging me to play it, which usually isn't super hard, considering music is the main thing I'm good at. After that, we'll usually go down to his basement and play video games, and he'll ask me how it's going for me with the girls, and I'll ask him how it's going with the music, and all in all it's pretty chill.
Keira's very pleased that I've stopped comparing myself to Axel as much, or at least stopped being super jealous and resenting him for everything. Which. Yeah, I kind of prefer this too.
Anyways. I have been talking to Ivy a little more, and she seems really sweet, which makes me feel kind of extra guilty and like a jerk for trying to manipulate her into liking me. I've decided to reroute and take the better person road of becoming genuine friends with her instead, mostly so that I can not feel like a terrible person. I mean, she was upset, and I went over to try and comfort her so that she might end up being attracted to me, and then she called me a good person, and now we're still talking and I'm kind of scared that my emotional exploiting worked.
So. Um. Yes, much guilt.
I'm kind of sick of dealing with guilt all the time. First it was guilt over being mean to Axel, then being mean to Keira, now I'm feeling guilty over being nice to a girl? Really. I can't tell if I'm a really bad person, or if I just overthink and feel super guilty about everything regardless of whether or not I need to (I'd like to convince myself that it's the second one, but I think it's probably not).
"Hey, Nash."
I look up to see Ivy sliding into the seat next to mine with a smile in my direction. "Hey, Ivy. How are you?"
"I'm pretty good. You?"
"Doing well. How was your test earlier?"
She flushes slightly. "It was less absolutely terrible than I was expecting. So I have a chance at passing."
I roll my eyes. "You probably aced it."
She gives me a look, though I can tell she's trying not to grin. "I did not. You liar."
I hold up my hands in surrender. "Hey, all I know is that the last time you thought you had barely passed a test, you ended up getting a ninety-five. So, I mean..."
She sighs and rolls her eyes dramatically, but the corner of her mouth quirks up, making me smile as the teacher calls for our attention, signalling the beginning of class.
After class ends, I walk Ivy out of class, then start to turn away to go to my locker for my lunch. She stops me though, placing a gentle hand on my arm. "Hey, you should come eat lunch with me and my friends," she suggests. I take notice of her body language- she's touching me, first of all. Just her hand on my arm, but that's still physical contact, which is almost always flirtation. She's tilting her head a little, exposing her neck, and she's looking up at me through wide eyes. So this is definitely not just a friendly request.
For some reason, I hear myself saying, "Sorry, my friends are expecting me to eat with them today. Some other time, maybe?"
Like, why. Why would I say that.
She looks a little surprised, which. I mean, she's very attractive, I'm kind of shocked that I'm rejecting her too. She recovers almost immediately, though, and flashes me a bright smile, withdrawing her hand. "Oh, yeah, for sure! I'll see you later, then."
"Yeah, see you."
I head over to where Cody and Keira are waiting for me, grabbing my lunch from my locker along the way. Cody is looking at me with wide eyes, and as soon as I sit down he shoves an accusing finger in my face. "You were talking to Ivy Green."
Imagine having the last name Green, and naming your child Ivy. "Yeah."
"So? What were you talking about?"
I shrug. "I mean, we have a class together. We talk sometimes."
"You literally did not answer the question."
"She asked me to sit with her and her friends for lunch?"
"WHAT?!" Cody whisper-screams at me. "Then why are you over here? Go! Go, go go, idiot!"
"Cody, shut up," I say, sitting down. "I told her maybe some other time. I didn't want to just ditch you guys."
"Aww, thanks Nash," Keira says, giving me a small smirk. "I'm proud of you for having willpower, though I have zero idea where it came from."
"I am capable of not being a terrible person," I say, only actually managing to muster up a minimal amount of actual offence.
"Being attracted to hot girls does not make you a terrible person," Cody tells me, still looking at me like I've grown a second head. "It makes you a sane teenage guy. Like, dude. Ivy is hot. Her friends are hot. You could be eating lunch with a bunch of hot girls right now. What the heck are you doing with your life?"
I shrug. "Not ditching my friends?"
"Aww, I wasn't aware you were capable of being considerate," Keira says in a faux coo. I roll my eyes.
I have no idea why I didn't say yes to Ivy. It's exactly the kind of next step that I was trying to figure out how to take. And she did it for me; all I had to do was say yes to her. But I didn't. Why didn't I?
Maybe I really am just a complete idiot.
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Axel and I made plans to hang out after dismissal today, which I'm now overthinking because of the thing with Ivy. Does he know I rejected her? Is he going to ask me about it? If he asks me why I said no to her, I know I won't have an answer. I genuinely don't know why I did that. Maybe I panicked.
He doesn't mention it on the drive to his place, though, so I assume I'm in the clear.
As he pulls into his driveway, I spot a middle-aged couple standing in front of the house. Axel eyes them warily as he gets out of the car, and I genuinely have no idea if he wants me to stay in the car or get out, so I decide to stay inside for a minute or so just in case. I mean, who knows. I'm getting the feeling that these people are his parents, and they could think I'm his boyfriend or something. Which I don't think would be good for Axel in any way.
His parents spot him and call something to him from across the sizeable lawn, and I see his shoulders slump a little. He looks backwards, then opens his car door again to give me a small, tense smile. "Sorry, my parents want to talk to me about something. You can go inside, if you want. My brother will let you in."
I nod, and he closes his door again and goes to meet his parents, who look over in my direction and then promptly disappear around the side of the house, taking Axel with them. Once they're out of sight, I get out of the car and tentatively go up to the front door to knock.
It takes a minute, but then a tall guy opens the door. He looks like Axel a little bit- just in that kind of overall appearance. Really, his features look absolutely nothing like Axel's. I assume this must be his brother though, so I say, "Um... Jason, right?"
He blinks. "Yes. Who are you?"
"I'm one of your brother's friends."
"Okay...?"
"He's..." I gesture in the general direction that he and his parents went, "I don't know. Talking to your parents. He told me you'd let me in?"
Jason squints at me, slowly nodding in what I'm pretty sure is a dubiously sarcastic way. "Right. Give me one good reason to believe that anything you're saying is true."
I turn and point at Axel's car. "I mean, his car is here, which means he's here."
"You could have stolen it from the school," Jason counters. "And you could be trying to get into our house so you can steal more stuff."
"I wouldn't do that. I'm friends with him."
"Prove it."
"How?"
"Tell me something nobody else knows about him. Then I'll know he trusts you."
I blink. "How do I know you're not just trying to get me to tell you your brother's secrets?"
He snorts. "Because he tells me everything? If you don't know that, you clearly don't know him that well."
"Okay, okay. No- um. He's gay?"
Jason raises an eyebrow at me, slowly starting to close the door. "Wrong answer, his identity is not defined by his sexuality. We've got enough bigots in this house already."
"Hey- you said something nobody else knows! I know that nobody else knows that! Okay- um, I don't know, his relationship with Scarlett was fake? Your parents are traditional? Uh- he likes music? All the girls in your family know how to play piano?"
Jason stops closing the door on me, smirking in a very amused way. "He told you that?"
"Yes. Now will you let me in?"
He laughs, opening the door so I can enter. "Yeah, of course. I was just testing you."
I scowl at him. "Why?"
"Make sure you're good enough for my brother."
I squint at him. "You make it sound like we're dating."
"Really? Sorry about that."
I roll my eyes. "We're really not. We're just friends."
"Oh, so my brother isn't good enough for you?"
"No, I'm just not gay."
"Ah. Of course."
I narrow my eyes at his light, definitely not convinced tone. "Really."
He hums. "I believe you."
I sigh and give up, heading to the library to wait for Axel.
He shows up a few minutes later, looking somewhere between tired and frustrated. "Hi. Sorry."
"Hey, don't worry about it. You alright?"
He looks up at me, a little surprised. "Oh. Yeah. Just my parents being- well, my parents."
I can tell he doesn't really want to talk about this, so I change the subject. "I met Jason. He wouldn't let me in until I told him something about you that proved you trust me, and then he threatened to shut me out when I said you're gay. So then I said a bunch of other stuff and he looked really amused and let me in, said he was testing me."
"Oh, yeah I probably should have warned you. He does stuff like that whenever he meets any of my male friends. Most of them just think he's weird because they don't know about... well. Me."
I grin. "Really? So I'm like, the only one you've told outside of your family?"
He rolls his eyes. "Aside from Scarlett, yes."
I'm about to ask what makes me different, then I remember I kind of forced it out of him and feel guilty. "Oh. You probably didn't want to tell me, then."
He blinks. "No, Nash. I told you because I trust you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have told you, no matter what. My parents don't want anyone knowing. They didn't even really want my brother to know. I don't just tell anyone who asks enough questions about girls."
The guilt in my stomach eases. "Oh. Um. Thank you, then. For trusting me. It means a lot."
He gives me a soft smile. "Yeah, of course." I hold his gaze, feeling like we're having some kind of really important moment, until he averts his gaze, breaking it. "So, video games?"
I grin, shaking off the heaviness from a second ago. "Lead the way."
What do you think of Nash's guiltiness at the beginning of the chapter? Why do you think he rejected Ivy? How about meeting Jason, and him 'testing' Nash? Let me know all your thoughts in the comments!
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