Chapter 10: Until You: Chapter 10

I stare at myself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom, dropping my towel to the floor. I’m nowhere near as tall as Britney, and my body type isn’t anything like hers either. My stomach isn’t flat and I have no thigh gap to speak of. My legs are big, they always have been. I don’t have her long, beautiful legs. Looking at myself, I now see what Brad must have seen. The stretch marks, the fat around my stomach and thighs. Even my breasts aren’t what they used to be. My weight fluctuations made them look far more saggy than they once were.

Is that what it was? Was it my body? Or was it a combination of things?

Brad and I didn’t even sleep together until we’d decided to move in together, and now that makes sense. He didn’t want me. Sleeping with me was another way to keep me under his thumb, to keep me happy.

Whenever we did have sex, it was usually over quickly. Brad never held me the way he was holding Britney. He always, showered straight after sex. I didn’t use to think much of it and just assumed it was a personal preference. That maybe he just didn’t like the idea of being even remotely sweaty. Now I know that’s not what it was.

It was me.

I turn away, disgusted by the image in the mirror. I dress hurriedly, wanting to cover myself up. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, and I can’t help but overthink everything.

Why wasn’t I good enough? What does Britney have that I don’t? Was any of it ever real? Thinking back on it, Brad and I first started talking because I offered to help him with an app he was asked to develop. He kept coming back for more help, and I thought he was flirting with me. Why didn’t he just clarify that he wasn’t? Why didn’t he steer us toward friendship instead? I would’ve been happy to be friends. He didn’t have to manipulate me the way he did. I’ve never denied anyone help, and had he asked for it, I probably helped him out.

Britney’s words keep replaying in my mind. Those two have obviously been together for months, if not years. I was thinking of my future with Brad, but Brad… he was building a future with Britney.

I grab my phone and scroll through old photos of us, looking for signs. In the few photos of Brad, Britney and me, he’s always in the middle, his eyes on her and his grip on her tighter than it is on me. How did I never notice this? I grit my teeth and delete the photos one by one, wishing I could delete these memories from my mind, too.

I inhale shakily and place my palm against the wall, trying my hardest to pull myself together. I won’t cry again. I won’t. I swallow down a sob and straighten my back. Brad doesn’t deserve my tears.

I look up when my phone buzzes on my desk, and my first thought is that it must be Brad. That he must be wondering why I haven’t come home. But it isn’t him — It’s Ash.

:

:

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I sit down on my bed, feeling numb. My heart feels broken, and I know it can’t be fixed. But this man… this man’s entire life might get taken from him. My life might be falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do about that… but I can try to save a life.

:

I stare at the screen in surprise. How did he know? I tighten my grip on my phone and swallow hard. Ash, he’s probably the only friend I’ve got left now, and I don’t even really know him. I guess that’s the only reason he and I friends — because he doesn’t know how messed up I am, because he only sees the best parts of me.

:

I lock my phone and place it back on my desk, mentally bracing myself to finally leave my room. I can’t stay cooped up in here. It’ll worry both Noah and Gray too much.

I’m nervous as I walk down the stairs. The way I cried last night… I made a fool of myself. I must’ve looked like a mess, and I bet Noah and Gray feel sorry for me. I hate that. I don’t want to be pitied, no matter how pitiful the situation.

The kitchen is uncharacteristically quiet as I walk in. I expected Noah to be waiting for me with hundreds of questions. I’m relieved to find that he isn’t here — it’s just Gray. I’m not ready to face my brother yet. He told me I was rushing into things, and I knew he never liked Brad, yet I dismissed his concerns.

Gray is staring at his laptop and looks up when he sees me, a smile on his face. “Morning,” he says, grinning as though everything is normal, and I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s not looking at me the way I thought he would. He’s not acting out of the ordinary at all.

“Morning, Gray,” I murmur, walking past him to make myself a cup of tea. I glance over at Gray’s cup and find it empty, so I refill it for him without thinking. I don’t realize I didn’t ask him if he wanted any until I notice him staring at me in that way he does sometimes, as though he’s in disbelief somehow.

“Thank you,” he says, his voice soft. I nod as I take a seat next to him. His eyes roam over my face and I see the concern in them, but I’m grateful he doesn’t ask me any questions. Instead, he just raises his mug to his lips.

I frown when I notice his bruised knuckles and lift my hand to his, tracing over his bruises with the tip of my finger, careful not to hurt him. Gray tenses, a flash of guilt in his eyes, and the edges of my lips turn up in a reluctant smile. I should have known that my brother and Gray wouldn’t let Brad get away with what he did, and I’m glad. I’m glad to have both of them in my corner.

“Thank you,” I tell him. “Thank you for always being there for me.”

Gray puts his mug down and lifts his hand to my face, gently brushing the hair out of my face. “I always will be, Ari.”

I nod, my smile widening. “I know,” I murmur, looking into his dark brown eyes. There are specks of green in them, and I’ve always found them mesmerizing. “You know I’ll always be there for you too, right?”

Gray nods, but I see the way he draws himself up defensively. It’s subtle. It’s in the way he tenses his shoulder and locks his jaw, the way the warmth seeps out of his gaze. He’s always been this way. It’s like he still doesn’t trust that I mean what I say. Even after all these years, he struggles to believe that Noah and I consider him family.

I lean back in my seat and inhale deeply. “Yesterday… I left work early because I got a call. I’ve been so selfish, so lost in my own issues…”

Gray stares at me, his gaze intense. “You weren’t selfish, Aria. You were hurt. Big difference.”

He wouldn’t think that if he knew what I’ve been keeping from Noah. I look away and I gather my courage. “Where’s Noah? I need to speak to him.”

Gray stares at me as though he’s trying to read me and shakes his head. “He was called in for an emergency this morning. Not sure when he’ll be back. He ran out of the house yelling random medical terms. Sounded serious.”

I nod and stare down at the table.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

I glance at Gray, my heart breaking — for different reasons this time. “Our lawyer called yesterday. That’s why I went home early. He… he told me that our parents’ killer was released on good behavior, and I… instead of telling Noah, I…”

“Fuck.”

Gray reaches for my hand and places his over mine. His hands are so big that mine feel tiny in his, and his touch brings me unexpected comfort.

“You okay, Ari? I can’t imagine how you must’ve felt last night.”

He squeezes my hand, and I bite down on my lip in an effort to stay in control of my emotions. I have no tears left to cry, yet my heart still weeps.

“I have to tell Noah. Last night all I thought about was myself and Brad, like that even matters compared to the news I should’ve shared with Noah.”

Grayson shakes his head. “Ari, you didn’t do anything wrong. Telling him a day later won’t change the facts.”

I nod, but I feel guilty nonetheless. I feel like I’ve been a burden over the last twenty-four hours, and I hate that. “I need to tell him as soon as possible.”

Gray nods. “I’ll be there if you want me to be. For both of you.”

I look into his eyes and nod. He always has been, and Noah and I are beyond lucky to have him in our lives.