I hesitate before pressing enter. When I created this platform, it was because Noah and I had been let down by the justice system. Because our parentsâ killer nearly went free. I couldnât stop thinking about what wouldâve happened if we lost the case, and that eventually led to wondering about all the people that happen to.
Iâve put so much work into making sure this platform doesnât lose its focus. Justice. Thatâs what itâs all about.
Yet here I am. Listing my parentsâ killer on the Nemesis Watchlist. Iâm feeling conflicted about it, which is why itâs taken me to do it. Initially, I wanted to do it during my first week here, and then I kept telling myself Iâd do it the week after, until an entire month flew by. I still canât let it go, no matter how hard I try.
I know if heâs been let out, heâs paid his dues in the eyes of the law. I shouldnât be listing him at all, but I canât help it. I canât rest easy without eyes on him. I need to know that what he did to my parents wonât happen to anyone else.
My phone buzzes, and I jump, startled out of my thoughts.
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I hesitate, feeling guiltier by the second. Being on the watchlist means our members will trace his every transaction, his every move, every job application. Anything he does, Iâll know about. Iâve never allowed watch list entries for anyone that isnât a confirmed criminal on the loose.
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I freeze, surprised. Ash has a habit of saying things that throw me off. Sometimes itâs weird puns and lame pickup lines, and sometimes itâs stuff like this⦠stuff no one that really knows me would ever say.
I want to reply, but I donât know what to say. I end up typing a dozen texts, and delete every single one of them, giving up in the end. I put my phone away and climb into bed, my thoughts whirling. I canât help but overthink my choice, and my mind automatically drifts back to the burglary. Now that Iâm older and the wounds arenât as fresh⦠I donât know. I still canât forgive him, but the gun that killed my parents was their own. It wasnât an armed robbery. That doesnât make it right, but Iâm also not sure it warrants putting him on a watch list.
My phone buzzes again, and I reach for it, welcoming the distraction.
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I laugh, startled out of my thoughts. Trust Ash to do that to me.
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I laugh out loud, my heart skipping a beat. How does he do this? How does he make me smile even when Iâm having a rough night?
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I giggle and almost drop my phone on my face.
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I laugh, wondering if heâs in bed, smiling at his phone, too.
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I smile to myself, my heart twisting painfully. Iâm not, but despite that, Iâve never had truly fulfilling sex. Iâve never even orgasmed with a man, but thatâs probably got more to do with me than them⦠Iâm not the type of woman thatâd turn anyone on, thatâd make someone want to put effort into my pleasure.
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I squirm underneath my sheets, my heart racing. The thought never appealed to me, but somehow a small part of me wants to bring Ash to his knees.
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I smile to myself, surprised at how quickly Ash managed to turn my night around. Weâve known each other for years, and part of me wishes weâd gotten closer a lot sooner. I wonder what heâd think of me if we ever met in person⦠would he be disgusted by me the way Brad was? Online I can pretend to be whoever I want, but would Ash ever be interested in me in real life?
I doubt it.