Chapter 31: Chapter Thirty-One

This one’s dedicated to @xbeautyrisesx! Beautiful cover to the side by her.

Chapter Thirty-One

After the whole Peter thinking he’s king of the world and that he could mess with people’s feelings, Lee takes a hold of my hand and we walk. He’s gentle but has a firm grip, swerving past people that are smoking or people that are dancing in the living room. My nose twitches from the smell of alcohol on everyone we pass by. Lee seems unfazed and takes me to Brent’s “man cave” in the basement.

“Out,” Lee says to the one couple that’s making out feverishly downstairs. I think I recognize them as Patricia and Melanie from Calculus. They smile sheepishly before hopping up the creaky stairs. I’m surprised they’re the only ones down here though. Even though Brent tells everyone that if they go down here he’ll cut their legs off, people usually go down to smoke quietly or other reasons.

I take a seat down on an orange bean bag. I try to sit as ladylike as possible because, well, I’m wearing no pants. Peter kind of got there before I could put them on.

Lee glances at me and lets his eyes wander for a second before reaching over for his suit jacket and placing it on my legs.

“So…,” I start, folding my hands on top of my legs.

“I didn’t expect your lingerie show so soon,” Lee jokes—I think he’s joking. He sits down on the bean bag next to mine, our knees almost touching. Almost.

“Ha-ha, very funny,” I say in a sarcastic tone.

“Well, that was fun,” Lee says, running a hand through his hair. “Kind of forgot what it feels like to be at an actual party instead of some business meeting or charity event.” I notice something on his hand.

I stop his hand in his hair and take it in both my hands to examine it. His hand is soft but rough around the fingers—from work probably. Signing a billion contracts and whatever he does must do that to you. What caught my eyes were the bruises on his knuckles. They’re a bright purple, some even blue. Stupid Peter.

“What?” Lee says and we’re sitting closer now, me huddled over to see his hand.

I run my fingers over the bruises to see how bad they are and when he winces, I know it’s bad enough.

“Does it hurt?” I ask.

“No.”

“Liar.”

I stand up and the jacket slips to the floor. There’s a bright blue fridge in the corner of Brent’s room. I hate to admit but Brent’s man cave is actually nicely designed. Splashes of color and just the right texture for everything. I guess he got his artistic side from Mom. It’s a shame the room’s always messy.

I need to see Mom tomorrow—to check up on her and see if she’s okay and to tell her I’m okay. I want to tell her about Lee and Madam Jin even if she can’t hear me.

I have to tell her there’s a boy I like.

“What’re you doing?” Lee asks when I open the fridge. To see him here in Brent’s den and being swallowed up by a purple bean bag, it’s surreal.

I have to tell her there’s a boy I love.

“Getting you ice,” I mumble as I reach into get the ice pack that Brent has. In fact, it’s the only thing there. There’s no food even though Mark literally bought the entire Walmart store yesterday morning. The ice is cold in my hands as I sit back down next to Lee. He’s looking at me, bemused.

“I don’t need ice,” Lee says. He reaches over to pick up his jacket and places it over my legs again. He pats his jacket down and I start feeling tingly.

“I don’t need this jacket,” I say, pushing off his jacket.

Lee quietly gasps before setting his lips in a firm line. He picks up the jacket and adjusts it over my legs again. This time, he tucks it under, too. “Yes, you do. I need you to.”

“No, I don’t.” I slap his hands away and wiggle out of the jacket.

He glares at me. “I’m going to go insane. Put the jacket back on before I do.”

“Then let me ice your knuckles,” I reason, crossing my arms.

Lee looks at me and then at my legs and then away from me. His ears turn red and he mutters, “Fine.” He reaches and tightly wraps his jacket back around my legs.

When he sits back down in his bean bag, I take his hand and place it on my lap. My heart goes out of control when I see the bruises. It hurts me to see that Lee is hurt but it also warms me because this is the first time someone other than Lee has defended me—physically, at least. Not that I needed him to. But the effort is cute, nonetheless.

“You didn’t have to come in,” I say, gently placing the ice pack on his hand.

He winces and lets out a hiss. “I know.” I place the ice again and he nearly jumps out of his seat. “Jeez, Ivory, this hurts, you know?”

“Sorry!” I say, immediately removing the ice pack. He’s looking at me, amused. I bend down and kiss his knuckles. They’re cold and still bruised but I kiss every one. I blow gently as if it’ll take away the pain.

Lee looks at me with an intense gaze and he’s completely still. He’s not breathing or moving and all he’s doing is staring at me.

“What?” I ask, placing the ice pack gently this time.

He keeps staring at me in that way he always does. Then he coughs and looks the other way before saying, “Nothing.”

“But really, Peter’s a total wimp. I could’ve handled him,” I say.

Lee reaches over and rubs my hand. “You know I love you and—”

“I love you, too,” I say too quickly and eagerly. I guess to be able to say it freely now has given me this new found enthusiasm.

He smiles. “I know you do.” He kisses my hand. “And I know you’re a strong, gorgeous, fierce young woman and that without me, you’d do just fine. In fact, I’m sure Peter would’ve ended up with a broken something whether I was there or not. I believe in you and everything you can do. You are one insanely amazing human being and I love that about you. You don’t need me yet you choose to have me.”

Lee reaches and kisses my temple. “And for that, I am one lucky guy. And I’m sorry for butting in earlier. I expected nothing but for you to take him down on your own but he was really getting on my nerves and our twenty-four hours of our date hadn’t even ended. I just wanted to spend time with you, not that asshole.”

I hold his hands in mine and grin at him. “I love it when you swear.”

“I love that you love me when I curse,” Lee replies, grinning equally as big as I am. He looks down at our hands and he’s smiling. Suddenly, he stops. “What happened here?”

I follow his gaze and see a dark bruise forming around my entire wrist. I expect to feel angry but I feel just fine. It’s probably because Lee’s here and I could care less if my leg was chopped off. “Peter,” I answer.

Lee’s eyes change and his eyebrows furrow. His face looks sad and I hate when it looks sad. It really tugs my heart to my stomach. “Peter?”

I nod. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt. He just has a harsh grip.”

He bites his lip and looks at me. “I’m glad that we met through a lie. It sounds messed up but I mean it. That you and your foul but oh so sweet mouth spouted a lie right at that moment. And that my name crossed through your lips. Or else you would’ve still loved that scum.”

Rolling my eyes, I say, “I’m sure I would’ve loved you whether that happened or not. Thank god that Candy showed me who you were right before that night.”

“I have to thank Candy for many things,” he says, smirking. He’s talking about the lingerie and I heat up. “I’m sure I would love you still as well. You’re very easy to love,” Lee whispers.

“Really? Because you are very hard to love. I remember being so frustrated and crying and wanting to kick you in places you’d die of pain from. And then I remember this intense rush of emotions whenever I saw or spoke or touched you. I tried very hard to give up on you but every damn time, you would do one tiny little thing and I would just collapse,” I confess. Why am I telling him all this? No clue.

Lee looks at me and I can tell he’s trying to do one of those things where he figures me out by just staring at me. “As if it was rainbows and butterflies for me all the time, too. You were—still are so impulsive and you never think and you kiss before your brain works out the situation. And I couldn’t be more happier that you do. I think since Anne, you are the first girl that has driven me up the walls. You make me wild.”

“Ditto,” I say, grinning.

“I hate you,” Lee says, putting each hand on the sides of my bean bag. He pulls the bean bag so I basically fall on his lap, my leg over his. And then he leans in and kisses me and it might not be rainbows from here on but I sure as hell can say I will enjoy the storm that follows.

“I despise you as well,” I say, returning the kiss.

“Let’s take a look at this,” Lee says, breaking off first and then inspecting my hand. He moves it around and I don’t wince at first but then it starts to burn. “I really want to kick Peter out of America. I think I will.”

I look at Lee and then roll my eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

{PLAY SONG!!!! lol if u want bc es sexy time ;) }

“You have no idea what I can do, Miss Ivory,” Lee says, smirking. He reaches for my hand again and then he kisses it just like I kissed his knuckles. His lips are warm and his hands are cold and the mix is making me shiver.

“Uh—um—you—don’t,” I stumble across my words, “you don’t have to do that.”

“There are many things I have to do in this world, Ivory. But trust me, the one thing I actually want to do the most is you,” Lee says. His eyes are shining and looking mischievous. I don’t know if he meant that double reference but I can feel my stomach knotting in tangles.

Take me, heavens, I think as his kisses start wandering up my arm.

I try to stay calm. I try to not move. I try but I don’t get anywhere, of course.

His lips move from my forearm to my shoulder, which is covered in an all too thin shirt now. Lee is kissing over my shirt but I can feel him everywhere and what is air? He moves from my shoulder to my collarbone. My collarbone has always been a sensitive spot for me so I let out a breath. Everything is burning.

Lee is smirking—I can feel the stupid guy smirking—against my neck as he moves upward. If my collarbone is sensitive, then my neck is definitely vulnerable.

He takes a while on my neck, kissing softly at the base of my throat and up to my jawline. He blows right on my jaw and I squirm in his hold.

“No, no, no, no, no, no,” I am saying, trying not very hardly to push him off of me. “I’m going to break.”

“Do you want me to stop?” Lee replies, the smug smirk still on point on his lips.

“Fuck…no,” I whisper and Lee is back, running his hands up and down my arms as he leaves light as air kisses on my neck. “Jesus,” I murmur.

“No, my name is Lee,” whispers Lee as his lips move against my cheek. And then he kisses me again until I feel my lips swelling. His hands move through my hair, pushing it back and just playing with it. When he backs up, I must look crazy—fucked up hair and swollen lips.

“Say my name,” he whispers softly. His left index finger is drawing circles on my arm. Lee’s lips are swollen too and his breath is ragged. I look at him and he’s so terrifyingly beautiful and he’s too perfect for me. But he’s in love with me and I don’t know how that worked but I’m going to try my best to love him as equally as he loves me.

“Lee.”

The one syllable hangs in the air, my voice a shaken rasp. Silence overtakes us and Lee is giving me that intense stare again and I wonder what he’s thinking.

My thoughts are interrupted by the number one criminal himself as he suddenly gets on his knees in front of me and yanks the jacket off my legs. If he’s going to do what I think he’s about to, I might as well save him the trouble and explode now.

He stares at me for a long time before kissing my shoulder over my shirt again and then moving south. Lee kisses my collarbone and then right over my heart. By now I am struggling to keep up with his antics, breathing harder than I do when I try to participate in P.E. He kisses over my heart again and then lays two kisses on my stomach—one above my belly button and one under and he is so dangerously close and I’m going to fling myself over a bridge because—

“Lee,” I breathe when he kisses my stomach again. I am gripping the bean bag hard and I can feel sweat even though I’ve been sitting.

“Ivory,” he says back and it’s like a dam has exploded in me. “Again. Say it again. Call me by my name again.”

“Lee fucking Richardson,” I say and I put my hands over my eyes because I cannot watch this anymore. The man of my dreams is kneeling in front of me looking red and equally fucked up because of me—me!

His hands reach for mine and he peels them off of my eyes. He’s grinning and doing that cute head tilt thing he does when he wants to make me cry tears of joy. As if I’m not emotionally messed up enough. “I don’t think I have ever loved my name more.” Lee kisses my lips. “You could add every swear in but I think it would sound as awfully beautiful as it always sounds coming from your lips.”

“Good,” I say, catching my breath, “because you, Mr. Lee fucking piece of cow shit Richardson, are dismantling me at this moment. And I need you to stop if you don’t want me to explode like a bomb or faint or shatter.” I’m rambling.

His traditional smirk is back and then he leans his head down and whispers above my knee, “It would be such a shame if you shattered, Ivory.”

And then he kisses my knee and the skin above it and the skin above that until all I feel are his lips. I place my hand immediately over the next space he’s going to kiss and he moves away and kisses the other side of my thigh.

“Stop, no,” I breathe but I don’t want him to stop.

“Okay,” Lee says, smirking, and then starts blowing on my legs with his cold breath.

“Fuck you,” I say. I’ve been saying that a lot to him lately. I move my hand away knowing that I’m not going to survive this no matter how I look at it. Lee grins and kisses my upper thigh getting closer to places I don’t want to think about or I’ll definitely lose it. And then he does something that makes me want to scream.

He bites the skin mid-thigh of my leg and so I do—scream his name, that is.

“Yes, Ivory?” Lee asks, looking up with innocent eyes. His lip is still cut and yet they feel so soft and I’m going to punch him. “You’re finally getting my name right. It’s not Jesus, it’s Lee.” He kisses the spot he bit. “Who am I again?”

“Lee!” I yell angrily and I’m sure nobody can hear me over the loud music. I am literally praying to god that somehow Brent doesn’t drunkenly saunter down here.

❧

When dawn breaks and a ray of sunshine sneaks in through the small window in the basement, I toss and turn, spreading my hand around the bed. Where is Lee? It’s Sunday morning and there’s a subtle heat in the air.

I jolt up immediately and look around.

I’m in Brent’s man cave and it is morning. The room is as messy as it was last night. I’m wearing some flannel pants and my white shirt. Who’s pants am I wearing? I block the light with my hand and look around. Lee isn’t here. I remember last night and my face warms.

We didn’t do anything, of course.

Lee and I had only kissed after his whole torture Ivory game and then when he had had his fun, he moved us to the bed and he held me in his arms and played with my hair until we both fell asleep. In a way, it felt more comforting and more intimate than making out. Just being close and tangled up in each other in a way where you can just feel the other person. His breath in my hair, his legs wrapped around mine, his heart against my ear.

It’s my favorite place in the world to be. When I’m with Lee, when he’s holding me as if I could break—it makes me feel as precious as he makes it out to be.

The basement door opens right then and I brace myself, hiding under the covers, because for all I know it could be Brent. And I have no idea where Lee is. Lee seems to have a habit of disappearing when I wake up. He could well possibly be dead or close to it because Brent found us together. Actually, Brent must be coming down here to finish the job and to kill me finally.

And then there’s a kiss on the top of my blanket-covered head and a smell I’ve grown so used to.

“I have to go to work,” Lee murmurs, running his hand over my head. He must think I’m asleep. “I love you.” Another kiss.

I’m torn on what to do. Do I tell him I’ve actually been awake or continue faking my sleep? If I tell him I was awake and spying on him unintentionally, he’ll think I’m weird. If I continue fake sleeping, I won’t get to kiss him until he returns from work. It’s a hard decision.

I don’t have much choice because I eventually sneeze.

It’s all Brent’s fault for having such a dirty and dusty room.

I pull off the covers—no escape now—and sit myself up right. Lee is standing next to the bed and just like the sun, his smile slowly slips onto his face, radiant as ever.

“Good morning, baby.” He kisses my forehead.

I’m worried about my breath and the way I look but I just smile back sheepishly. Hopefully he doesn’t question why I just woke up with a sneeze. “Hi,” I say. “You’re going to work?”

Lee sits down on the bed and takes my face in his hand. He presses his thumb over my lips. “Hey, don’t frown. I’ll be back.”

I instantly smile. “I know. Goodbye kiss?”

Lee gleams and looks so good in his tailored dark navy suit and golden tie. His hair is combed through but it’s still a little messy, just like him. He kisses my cheek and then he pulls back, grinning. “I can’t believe you love me.” He looks at his lap and smiles before whispering, “I love you a lot and you actually love me back.”

When he kisses just my cheek, I try to not let my smile falter. Just a kiss on the cheek? “You better believe it. Though I can’t believe it either, actually.”

“Why the long face?” he asks, worry pinching his face. Well, that didn’t work.

“I just—come here,” I command and then pull him in for a long kiss on his lips.

“Oh,” Lee says, backing away from me. His ears are red and I think that’s my new favorite feature on him. He’s flustered and starts loosening his neck-tight tie. “Well, unless you want this to end with me getting fired as a CEO or an extra extra angry brother, I need to leave.”

“Do you now?”

“Yes, Miss Ivory, I do,” says Lee, grinning ear to ear.

“Well, I guess we better fix this,” I say, tugging him closer. I take his messed up tie and start tightening it once again. It’s complicated and I suck at ties but Lee is looking at me like I am an oasis in the middle of the desert. “What?”

He kisses my nose. “Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“Just thinking about how it would be if we were—” There’s a loud and continuous tune and Lee reaches into his pocket inside his chest and pulls out a phone. He slides his finger across the screen and answers, his mouth a frown. “Richardson.”

I fix his tie and button the suit a little more. Lee is talking, using words I don’t understand. Something about marketing a product and the bunches of details to go along with it. He must be busier than ever since he’s sacrificed so much work time to be with me and now that I think about it, I realize how hard it has to be for him.

I look at Lee and see dark circles for the first time. Besides me keeping him up at night, he has probably been working overnight when everyone’s asleep.

“Yes…No. That’s definitely a no. If they don’t want that deal, cancel it. We don’t need them,” Lee says into the phone. There’s a bump between his eyebrows and his eyes are worried and weary. “Boston? No, I can’t…I won’t. Don’t tell me—yes, I know. Okay. Don’t call me unless there’s an emergency now.”

He hangs up and basically shoves his phone back into his pocket. Lee’s different with his guarded shoulders and cold eyes. He lets out a sigh.

“Everything okay?” I ask, worried. I reach for his hand.

Lee squeezes back and his eyes soften, life sprouting back in them. “Sorry about that.” He kisses my hand. “I might have to leave for Boston in a couple hours.”

“Boston?”

“Boston.”

“How long? You’re leaving?”

Lee looks at me and sees my panicked fear. First, Mom and now, Lee? Everyone is slipping away, aren’t they?

“No, Ivory, no, baby,” he says, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. “For business. For a day, maybe two. I’ll try to stay as short as possible. You know I would never leave you in a time like this, right? Especially when your mom’s in the hospital.”

I feel my shoulders loosen and my body slump. Lee wraps an arm around me and I take refuge in his hold. “I know, sorry. Overreacting again.”

“It’s okay, love,” Lee whispers into my hair. We stay like this for ten minutes and I almost fall asleep under the drum of his heartbeat. But eventually his phone rings again and he checks it before shutting it off. “I have to leave really this time.”

My frown is inevitable. I nod and say, “I understand.”

“See me out?”

“What about Brent?” I ask, eyes darting around just in case. Brent is as sly as a undercover ninja assassin. You can never let your guard down.

“He’s still knocked out cold in the living room,” he answers.

“And Mark? I haven’t seen him at all since last night.”

“Mark?” Lee says, trying out the name on his tongue. It’s like he’s completely forgotten about him and I am guilty of it as well. “I haven’t seen that th—Mark—either.”

I raise my eyebrows. Mark would tell me if he was going somewhere or had to leave…wouldn’t he? Did my confession that Lee’s the only one for me drive him away? It kind of makes me feel a little hurt to think he’d just leave after that. I mean, he only talked to me to get in my pants? I’m sure it’s not true. Mark and Lee both have lives and I need to stop acting like their universes revolve around me.

Lee and I walk upstairs and it’s a complete different setting than Brent’s room.

To say it’s a mess would be an understatement. Everything—and I mean everything—is on the floor. Couches are tipped, carpets have disappeared, red solo cups are scattered everywhere. And people. Random people I’ve never seen, classmates, our neighbor?, and Brent are all over the floor. Half of them asleep, the other half somewhere in between. I almost trip over them. But when I see Mom’s studio door, I feel a panic.

Has anyone gone in there?

If anyone has been in there, I might as well kick everyone out now. People can mess with the living room, the kitchen, the garden—I don’t care. But not my mom’s studio. It’s too precious to my mom and to me.

Thankfully, the door is locked and seems to be untouched. I follow Lee outside and the front yard is in as bad shape as the rest of the house. Badly parked cars are on the lawn. There are dark skid marks in the green grass and people laying out here, too. It’s almost as if a hurricane came and swept everyone off their feet.

“This is me,” Lee says. He walks to the sidewalk, where he stands in front of a white car. It’s surprising because usually the cars he uses are dark and black.

"Ah, white,” I observe, running my eyes over the clean car. “It’s cute.”

“Cute?” He grins, shaking his head.

“What?”

“You don’t call cars or boys cute,” he informs me.

“Well, I do.”

Lee shakes his head again and he opens the door to the back seat. Wow, no person to come and open the door for Lee? I am seeing changes. Good changes. He’s finally listened to my advice to treat his staff not like slaves, but people.

“Well, I’m going to go now,” he announces. He makes a move to walk forward to his car but stops. His eyes dart back to mine. “I’m really leaving now. Here I go, slowly but surely, I am leaving. One more step and I’m in the car.” He moves in slow motion to step in the car. “I am going now. You won’t see me anymore, Ivory. I guess I’ll just leave….”

I roll my eyes. I hold onto his door and stop it before leaning in and kissing his cheek. “Goodbye, Lee. Have a good day at work.”

Lee’s eyes light up and he lets out a devilish grin. “Goodbye, Ivory.”

“See you,” I say, waving. He doesn’t budge or move. “Bye, Lee.”

“Again, please?”

I sigh loudly before leaning in next to cheek. “Last time or I will slam this door and leave,” I warn with a glare.

He looks unaffected by my threat and nods, grinning. Lee looks like a five year old getting the lollipop of their dreams. I sigh again and then lean in to kiss his cheek but he swiftly turns his head so my lips land on his. He brings a hand to the back of my hair and pushes me closer. And then he backs up like it’s nothing. “Bye, Ivory,” he says, grinning. The car door shuts and then he’s off.

I stare at the car as it drives away and I keep on staring even after it’s driven away. I pinch my lips and I still can’t believe this is my life now.

For the next hour or so, I clean the upstairs. I don’t dare touch the living room or kitchen or anything on that floor. That’s all Brent and when he wakes up, he can take care of that. Mom’s room is clean by the time I finish and then I change out of the flannel pants and top and get into some jeans.

I slip on a light white sweater and the knock off vans before walking to my car. I stop by a local flower shop and get Mom some daisies. I’m a little nervous to see her but also excited to tell her all these things I need to tell her. And then there’s the question on how can I talk to my mom when she’s in a coma on a hospital bed.

There is (fortunately) parking at the hospital and I quickly get into the building. I talk to the nurses and receptionists needed to get into room A203 and then I’m here.

With my unconscious mother and a bouquet of daisies.

Now that I’m here alone, it feels so exposed. Like my mother is judging me or scolding me from her state even though she probably can't even hear anything.

I try to distract myself by putting her flowers in a vase but it feels all too wrong. It’s like she’s already dead. I’m bringing her flowers and acting awkward around her. She’s my god damn mother and whether she’s asleep or not doesn’t change that. I slap my cheeks lightly and urge myself to wake up.

I open the curtains in her room and you can’t see much, just a couple of trees and a little of town. The sun is encouraging though, shedding a little light to help me. I take a seat down next to Mom and just sit there.

The beeps of the monitor, the pale and cold hands of my mother, the subtle scent of soap coming from her body from a sponge bath—it’s all too suffocating.

“Hi, Mom,” I croak out, my voice suddenly sounding cracked.

I am expecting too much again. For some reason, I thought that after she hears me talking to her, she’d wake up like this was some flimsy soap opera. I’d cry and Mom would hug me and it’d be all right. But this isn’t a soap opera and my mother is still half-dead on the hospital bed.

“H-How are you doing?” My voice is caught and I sound like a robot. I reach for her cold hand and squeeze it. “Mom…please, wake up.”

The only response I get are the machines whirring next to her as usual and the outside sound of cars and nurses in the hallway.

“I met this boy,” I say. I take my other hand and brush her hair behind her ears just like she would when she was diligently working over a new piece of art. “Well, I think you already know who he is. Lee? The one I lied about? Yeah, I kind of fell hard for him. For some reason, he caught me and I think we’re kind of together now.”

My body loosens and it feels like normal, just like Mom and I have sat down for a cup of coffee in our small kitchen. “It’s complicated, Mom. I like him…a lot. I think I might even love him and I’ve never used that word for any other boy, Mom. But there are other problems. He’s Lee Richardson. He owns god knows what and I own nothing but myself. He has responsibilities and a past and he’s broken. He hasn’t really recovered from the death of his father and I guess I haven’t either yet. Maybe that’s why we really connected.”

I laugh a little, mockingly. “Tragedy does have some good outcomes, I guess. But anyways, he’s amazing. He spoils me and I had the hardest time trying to figure him out and now—I don’t know. He has a fiancee and a company and his mother. And I have to take care of you and Brent now. I’m graduating this month, Mom. I don’t even think I want to go if you’re not going to be there. I’m not even going to prom.”

And then the tears start falling. To think of an empty seat at my graduation or my wedding. To think that Mom might not make it through this, it’s heartbreaking and I can’t even see it happening. To think of my mom never becoming a grandmother or being able to see me graduate college, I lose it.

Who do I talk to about boys? Who do I tell everything to? Who will hold me in a way only mothers can? Who will be the one to encourage me and tell me I’m doing the right thing even when I’m most likely not? Who?

I put my head down on her bed to silence my sobs. I grip her hand hard and yell into the bed, “Mom, mom, please wake up! I swear I’ll try harder. I swear I won’t bother you anymore. You can kick me out of the house. You can kick Brent out. You can forget about me. Wake up with amnesia or some disease where you have no idea who I am, I don’t care, Mom. But please, wake up. I’ll clean my room more and study harder. I’ll even go back to school this week. I’ll try my best to make you proud, Mom. I know I’ve been a disappointment and that you still love me anyway. I love you so much, Mom. I don’t want to live if you’re not there by my side. Mom, please!”

I cry and cry until my throat feels dry and there is a stain on the blanket of the hospital bed from my tears. I hold her hand and will it to move or for her to open her eyes. Something. Anything.

But nothing comes and I feel myself deflating, slowly slipping from the surface I’ve been holding onto too long. The surface of glass that has cracked and now my hand is slipping from the edge I’m gripping. The darkness is waiting and welcome, ready to swallow me up.

Just a little longer, I tell myself.

I calm down, take a breath. Take many breaths. And then I open my mouth and continue telling her about what’s been going on. Madam Jin and Mark and the view from that cliff with Lee next to me. Talking about him calms me better than any sedative can and I almost smile as I tell him about how Brent punched Lee.

And then I fix Mom’s blankets, tuck her in, kiss her forehead and leave.

I shut the door gently and go talk to her doctors. They tell me she’s stable and has been going along quietly these days except for a minor problem with her healing but she’s fine now. But they don’t say she’ll wake up in no time. They don’t pat my shoulder and tell me it’s only going to be a while longer until she’s back.

They don’t promise me anything and that scares me more than anything. That there’s nothing even the doctors can do now but wait. Mom is fighting on her own.

“Thank you,” I tell them politely and I leave the hospital soon after.

I drive for a long time and I don’t know where I’m going but then I’m in front of Lee’s hotel. I stand in front of the building in New York City and wonder how long I must’ve been driving or how I even managed to get here so quickly. But then I go in and step in the elevator and I’m in front of his suite door. He’s in Boston and I am here. What am I even doing?

I just need him and if not him, just to be surrounded by his things. I just need to hear or feel that he’s here. That it’s okay.

There’s no way he can do that. He’s probably already on the flight to Boston and can’t even answer phone calls. So I turn around and walk with my head down. I need to get through this on my own. How many times will I be able to run away into his arms and expect him to take my pain away? He’s not magic. Only I can save myself.

I’m so busy moping around as I walk that I don’t notice bumping into someone. I quickly apologize, not even raising my head. All I see are black pumps and pale legs. Then I walk away and back into the elevator. I need to stop bothering other people in general. I’m just extra baggage.

That’s probably why Mom won’t wake up. It must be so much easier to just lay there and sleep forever than to wake up and take care of kids on her own. To pay bills and worry and do things that don’t make her happy. To be with people who won’t make her happy. To deal with me.

The elevator doors start closing but a hand stops it midway.

Black pumps and creamy legs are back.

“Hey, you’re Ivory, aren’t you?” I look at the woman, dressed in a light pink suit and skirt. She has pearls around her neck and minimal makeup and accessories. She’s stunning and familiar looking and how does she know my name?

“Yes?” I respond, still kind of out of it.

The girl puts a hand to her hip and smirks at me. “Nice to meet you. I think we need to have a little talk....Coffee okay?”

me this morning: grey's anatomy? ew hospital soap dramas

me now: season 2

hello! i know i've been gone a long time, i've been on vacation. i saw one direction and 5sos august 8th and they were beautiful and i'm so happy and grateful to have gotten floor seats. i had the bestest time ever and if not from my busy week, i would've been moping around from post concert depression. it still hits me at night though. anyways, the morning after i left for nyc and i love nyc can i pls live there and get rich or something? yeah it was great. and then after that it's been relaxing on beaches and amusement parks and eating warm foods and watching horror movies and rainy days and reading Gayle Forman. it's a good life! well until school but ew let's not go down that path. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go catch up to Dr. Sheperd. (insert dreamy heart eyes)

but really, thank you for everything! and when was the last time i ended with a cliff hanger hehe :) xoxo REACH ME FASTER AT @indiecigars ON TWITTER

and i have no problem if u advertise on my stories or profile. i know some people find it rude but really i understand it's hard to get your writing known unless it's some stupid story (like mine) but i do understand so promote yourselves! idc about rudeness and i wish the best to you, aspiring writers and we're all on the same boat on this website so who gives a fuck about manners