Chapter 28: Faking It with the Forward: Chapter 28

It’s been two days since I went into Coach Green’s office with vague excuses about why I’d be absent for the rest of the week.

One day since I got in the car with a small bag of belongings and drove home, showing up on my mother’s doorstep without any warning. It was dark and I’d hoped that the lack of daylight would hide the fact I’d been crying. My mother’s no fool, but she also knows that pushing me will only send me on the retreat. Once I promised I wasn’t hurt or having some kind of breakdown she gave me some space.

Mom didn’t pretend to be happy to see me in the middle of a school week, but my cat Bertha hasn’t left my side since I got home. It’s as good an excuse as any to stay on the couch, curled up in my favorite blanket, watching a solid stream of true crime documentaries.

“I’m going to head to the store, do you need anything?”

“We could probably use some more chips,” I say, looking at the empty bag on the coffee table.

My mom stands in the doorway, keys clutched in her hands. “One bag or two?”

There’s an underlying question here that isn’t about chips. She really wants to know how long I’m planning on staying. The truth is that I don’t know. I can get away with keeping up with my classes online for a few days, but I have some big decisions to make and only a few days to make them.

Reese’s declaration to me on the dance floor sent me on a spiral. I’d barely been able to keep it together for the rest of the ride home or when Logan kissed me on the front porch of the house.

Yeah, Logan kissed me and then asked if I wanted to go to the New Kings concert with him.

It wasn’t until I said no to a chance to go see my favorite band with a really great guy, who happened to also be a pretty good kisser, that I realized everything in my life was upside down.

I needed space from Wittmore, my internship, but most of all, Reese.

My mom is gone no more than four minutes when my sister comes in the door. It’s this thing they do when they’re worried about me, communicating about me not being alone. They’re worried I may fall back into old habits and do something harmful. I get the fear, but I hate the babying.

“Hey,” Ruby says, grabbing the chip bag off the table and sitting on the other end of the couch. She looks into the empty bag. “Seriously? I work a nine-hour day with a group of kids I’m certain are spawned straight from the devil and you don’t leave me a single chip.”

“In my defense,” I say, keeping my eyes on the TV, “I had no idea you were coming over.”

She kicks off her shoes and draws them under her body. “Oh, is this the one where four people were in the house together and one died and there’s zero evidence who did it.”

“Yep.”

“Have you gotten to the part about the cache of sex toys?” she asks casually.

“No!” I press pause on the remote and whip my head toward her. “Don’t be a spoiler.”

“Sorry.” She holds up her hands innocently. “I figured you’d already seen it.”

I turn back on the show and do my best to ignore her, but she’s restless, shifting around until I finally look over and snap, “Okay, what’s going on? Why are you here?”

“Me?” She shrugs. “I just wanted to hang out with you while you’re in town.” She pushes her feet out, crossing the imaginary boundary line on the couch. Her toes brush against Bertha, who stretches lazily and gives her a side eye. Thank you, Bertha. “So, how long are you going to be in town?”

Again, I pause the show. “Mom made you ask me that, didn’t she?”

“She didn’t make me. I’m wondering. She’s wondering.” She pins me with a look. “Fine, tip-toeing around it isn’t working. What the hell are you doing home in the middle of a school week?”

“I needed a break to figure some things out.” I scowl at her. “Everything’s under control.”

“Mmhm,” she hums. “And is that why you didn’t tell Nadia you were leaving?”

“You talked to Nadia?” Well, that rankles me even more. “Did you call her?”

“No,” she says matter-of-factly. “She called me. Worried, by the way. She said you just took off, left your classes and your internship. No one knew where you were!”

Bertha startles at her loud voice and I run a hand down Bertha’s head to settle her. “I emailed my teachers and had a meeting with Coach Green. He knew I needed a few days off.”

“Isn’t the first game of the season this weekend?”

“My advisor found someone to cover for me.” I press play on the TV, but she reaches out and snatches the remote out of my hands then turns it completely off. “Hey!”

“Twyler, what’s really going on?” She sighs. “You can tell me or Mom, but she’s going to find out.”

“Somehow I’ve fucked everything up.”

“That sounds a little melodramatic.”

“Oh yeah?” I launch into everything–all of it. What really was going on with Reese. The warning from Coach Green. How I was so distracted Pete got seriously hurt from my negligence. The fundraiser and Nadia and Logan. When I finish, she stares at me unblinking, so I go ahead and add, “There’s something else.”

“Okay,” she says warily.

“Logan invited me to the New Kings concert, and I said no.” Her mouth opens, but no words come out. “Say something,” I tell her, pulling at the fringe on the edge of the blanket.

“I’m just processing.” She rubs her eyes. “Reese Cain told you that he loved you.”

“Yes.”

“And another guy, one that you like, asked you to go see your favorite band and you said no.”

“Right.”

“So you have basically rejected two perfectly acceptable guys, one that has declared his love for you, for no reason.”

“I mean… basically, but it’s more complicated than that.”

“I don’t think it is.” She tilts her head. “Do you love Reese?”

My heart pounds just at the question and my stomach hurts because I miss him so much. “You know my instincts on relationships aren’t great. I thought I loved Ethan, too. What if this is just another way for me to sabotage my life? Because there is nothing wrong with Logan. He’s great, but of course I want the guy that makes me choose between a man and my job.”

Ruby opens her mouth to speak, but I cut her off.

“Being a trainer is everything to me, Ruby, you know that. It’s the thing that got me through high school and Dad dying and all the stuff with Ethan. I’m good at it. It’s reliable. Guys come and go—but this job is my future, and I can’t risk losing it.”

“Oh, Twy.” She scooches across the couch and pulls me into a hug. Normally, I’d fight it, but I’m too worn out. I just want this achy-hollow feeling in my chest to go away. “Jesus, you’re a hot mess.”

I could get mad, but a laugh slips out instead. That’s followed by a rush of tears that I’ve been holding onto for days. For once my sister doesn’t judge me, she just lets me get it all out.

“Better?” she asks when I finally pull away.

“Not really,” I admit, sniffling.

She leans back and grabs a wad of tissues out of the box on the end table. She hands me some and keeps the rest. “I know you hate all the woo-woo shit Mom and I are into, but I heard something that really resonated with me the other day.”

“Yeah, I probably need some woo-woo shit right now.” I blow my nose. “Hit me.”

“When you go through trauma, there’s this little sliver of strength that helps you get through. That strength, that grit, it’s waiting, lurking in the shadows, ready to support you whenever you need it. But to truly move on you have to let that piece go. Which is terrifying because you’ve come to rely on it. But the truth is you don’t need it anymore. You’ve built all these other resources—these strengths and new relationships—and from now those new things will get you through the hard times.”

“Are you telling me to quit sports training? Because I can’t do that—I’m about to graduate with a degree. It’s my job and—”

“I’m not telling you to quit training.” She sighs. “I’m telling you that this program isn’t the only thing propping you up anymore. It’s part of who you are, but not everything. You love it, but I think you love Reese, too, and it’s okay to let your guard down. It’s also okay if that means you admit you’re crazy about a six-foot-four, sexy as hell captain of the hockey team and find a way to have both in your life.”

“I admit it.” Warmth burns my cheeks. “I am pretty crazy about him.”

She smiles. “Then you have to stop running away and figure out how to make this work.”

Mom returns after the heart-to-heart is over, probably having been given an “all clear” text by Ruby. Her arms are loaded with bags of groceries and we both get off the couch to go help her in the kitchen.

“If you’ll put these up,” she says, taking a pan out of the cabinet, “I’ll get started on making that Mexican casserole you love.”

“Oh!” Ruby’s face lights up. “Did you get queso?”

“Yep. With and without jalapenos.”

“Thanks, Mama,” I say, leaning into her and giving her a squeeze.

“Any time.” She rests her temple against mine. I know she has a million questions, and maybe I’ll go into all of this with her at some point, but I appreciate her restraint.

I’m putting the groceries in the refrigerator when the doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it,” Ruby says.

“Make sure it’s not a sales guy,” Mom calls after her. “Those solar panel people are relentless.”

Shutting the refrigerator, I say, “To answer your earlier question, I think I’m going to head back to school in the morning.”

Mom’s eyebrow raises. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, but thanks for letting me come home and figure things out.”

She throws her arm around me and squeezes me. “Any time.”

“Twy!” Ruby shouts, her voice carrying from the front door.

“Oh my god,” I grumble, stepping out of the kitchen, “if you think I’m going to argue with the Jehovah’s Witnesses again—”

I stop short. He takes up so much room in the doorway that she doesn’t even have to move for me to see him. “It’s for you.”

My heart lurches and I look from my sister, who looks utterly shocked, to Reese. His eyes are pinned on me, assessing me in that way that makes me sweat. Neither of us say anything and my sister is not one to miss an opportunity to run her mouth.

“Hi,” Ruby says, thrusting out her hand. “I’m Ruby. Twyler’s sister.”

“Nice to meet you, Ruby.” He shakes her hand, but never takes his gaze off me. “I’m Reese.”

“Yes,” she says. “I’m familiar with your work.”

He drags his eyes away from me to her. “My work?”

“On the ice,” she says quickly. “Big fan. Would you like to come in?”

I snap out of it and blurt, “No!”

Reese’s expression falls, and Ruby hisses, “Twy!”

“No,” I say again, swallowing. “I’ll come outside.”

Pushing past my sister, I walk past Reese and out the front door. He follows me and I shoot my sister a look, telling her to shut the door to give us some privacy.

Once it’s closed, I turn to him. “What are you doing here?” Then I look at my watch. “You have practice. And a game tomorrow night!”

“I don’t give a shit about either of those things.” He reaches for me, and when his hand cups my face, and those gray eyes hold mine, my insides melt. “Just tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” Better now that he’s here. “But you shouldn’t be here. The first game—”

“Doesn’t matter.” His hand skims down my arm and his fingers twine with mine. “Not more than you do. When you didn’t show up to practice, I was worried, and then when I found out there was a substitute trainer assigned, well, that’s when I panicked. You scared the shit out of me, Twy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was terrified you would do something dangerous—like when you and Ethan broke up. The last thing I wanted was to be another guy that hurt you.”

This man. God, how could I walk away from him? “I’m not in that place anymore—partially because of you. I just needed some space to clear my head and I couldn’t do that at Wittmore.”

“And I should have understood that better,” he admits. “You made a decision, and I should have respected that.” He grins sheepishly. “I’m not very good at losing.” Perseverance is what got him in the position of captain in the first place and high on the list of players for the draft. It’s no surprise Reese is the same off the ice. “I never should have asked Nadia to come with me.”

“I didn’t like seeing you with her, at all, although I understand your motivation. She needed a win, and if you’d shown up with anyone else—a puck bunny for god’s sake—I probably would have burned down the building.”

His lip quirks. “Has anyone told you that you’re hot when you’re jealous?”

I groan and step closer, pressing my forehead against his chest. “You’re a good guy, Reese Cain. Sweet and loyal. Protective, even when I don’t deserve it.”

“I’m never going to stop protecting you.” His fingers slide under my chin, lifting it until I’m looking at him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

When his eyes dart to my mouth, all I want is to kiss him. And when he tilts his head and covers my mouth with his, I know for certain that I want everything with Reese—all the time—and I think I may finally realize what I need to do to make that happen.