Chapter Eighteen
ITâS BEEN TWO WEEKS since Iâve heard from Dakota. She hasnât reached out to me once since she slipped out of my bed in the middle of the night, nor has she answered either of my calls or the two texts Iâve sent. Maybe Iâve overdone it, bothering her too much when she obviously doesnât want to talk, but I want to make sure sheâs okay. No matter how many times I try to remind myself that thatâs not my job anymore, my head just wonât listen. Or maybe itâs my heart, possibly both. I know Dakota well enough to know that when she needs her space, she will take it and no one can change that.
The unfamiliar part is that Iâm not used to being the one she needs space from.
Since we decided to be friends Iâve seen Nora twice, but only spoken to her once. Friends without kissing. Friends donât kiss and friends definitely donât think about kissing.
Iâm still working on that part. She hasnât started to come around less; sheâs just leaving earlier and Iâm coming home later than I used to. Iâve been staying a little later at work to help Posey close. Sheâs been picking up so many of Janeâs shifts lately that I have a feeling she could use the help. She seems overwhelmed. I donât want to be too pushy and probe too much into her life, but Iâve always been pretty good at reading people. We have become something close to friends during our long shifts together, and sheâs been sharing more and more of her life with me while we scrub dishes and clean coffee grounds from every nook and cranny of Grind.
Iâm enjoying the extra hours and her company. Iâm lonely and soaking our conversations up like a sponge, like the details of her life somehow make me feel more involved in the wider world. She was born and raised hereâa dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker, something millions of people in this city strive to imitate. Her family used to live in Queens, and when she was fifteen, her mom passed away and Lila and Posey moved to Brooklyn to live with their grandma.
Itâs nice having someone to talk to about random stuff. Itâs nice to hear about someone elseâs life and opinions and thoughts when I donât want to think about my own.
I donât want to think about Dakota, and I donât want to miss Nora. Am I a bad person for liking two people?
Really, though, I donât know if I like Nora or if Iâm just attracted to her. I donât know enough about her to compare to my feelings for Nora . . .
I mean, Dakota.
Shit, Iâm a mess.
Am I being too hard on myself by keeping my distance from both of them? Iâve loved Dakota for years; I know her inside and out. Sheâs my family. In my heart of hearts, she owns half the real estate.
Nora is another story; sheâs wishy-washy and hot and cold, and undeniably sexy and flirtatious. Iâm half-attracted, half-curious about her, and I keep having to remind myself that we killed our potential relationship before it ever had a chance to bloom into anything anyway, so I canât sit around moping over losing something that wasnât mine to begin with.
So itâs been two weeks of avoidance of the women in question: picking up later shifts at work, joining more study groups, or staying home and watching cooking shows with Tessa. Sheâs obsessed with them lately and they provide good background noise when Iâm doing my schoolwork. I can pay just a little bit of attention to the shows, but I donât care enough to have to give my full attention to themâand Iâm not convinced that Tessa does either.
One night during Cupcake Wars, my phone buzzes on the leather couch and Hardinâs name lights up on my screen. Tessaâs eyes follow the noise and flash at the sight of his name. Her eyes dart back to the screen and she pulls her pouty bottom lip between her teeth.
Sheâs freaking miserable and I hate it. Hardinâs miserable, and he deserves it, but I still hate it. I donât know what kind of mountain Hardin will have to move to earn her forgiveness, but I know damned well he would even build a mountain if he had toâa whole row of them with her face carved into themâbefore he would live his life without her.
That sort of desperation, that kind of burning, throbbing loveâI havenât known it.