Fluorescent buzz emanates in my ears, the buzz of it acting as background noise while I try to swallow it all.
My posture was relaxed, almost sinking into the waiting room chair.
Eyes glossing over the pictures on the walls, the little play area for children which I assume that some people who bring their kids or whatever while they sorrow in the doctor.
But what can I say about it?
I have a kid of my own, but she's not waltzing around right now.
Taking a deep breath and rubbing my hair with my hand, I had left Jinae with Seulgi-noona and Haewon who were both at my house right now.
They decided to stay over for the week since new year is in about a few days anyways and they insisted.
In my own private confine, I never told them why I had to go out for a few hours.
Keeping this secret affair between me and the doc,
A part of me that's been eating away at me for the longest time since I left home.
My feet remained locked into the ground, my breathing became a lot less shallow. My head ached a bit from a slight ache but I can't tell if it was because I barely slept last night or it's the caffeine from the coffee this morning.
I truly wonder about the recent events that have unfolded, a good topic about Haewon and Seulgi would be great for the talk among me and him.
? - uhm- L/N Y/N?
Snapping out of my thoughts, quickly getting up from the uncomfortable chair, fixing my clothes in the process to look presentable.
Y/N - doc, afternoon.
He smiled at me with friendly intent, taking out his hand for me to shake. Which I courteously shook.
Doc - how are you?
Y/N - good doc, you?
Doc - excellent as usual, take a seat as usual.
Pointing to the almost Victorian looking arm chair.
The dark, almost faded crimson red becomes less enticing the more I come here.
Walking along the floorboards, gripping the armchair and taking a seat on it.
The plush velvet texture always irked me a bit, the fact that it laid itself on the arms provided a bit of discomfort but I'm not one to judge the doc's preferences.
He took a seat opposite me, matching the aesthetics of our chair.
Almost the same except his was more maintained.
The doc was around in late 30's, having met and began our relationship about when Jinae was about eleven to at least fourteen months at the most if I can recall.
His almost out of fashion goatee which reminded me a bit of Chris Cornell, but had dressed himself rather nicely. Sporting a cardigan despite the weather, in some brown slacks and his well maintained slick back hair and silver glasses.
Swallowing to clear my throat, he looked up at me while observing his notepad.
Doc - glad to see you here, it's been a while.
Y/N - too long, been busy.
Doc - work keeping you up again?
Y/N - not just work this time doc.
Sighing, I closed my eyes and immediately softened my posture to lay against it more.
Y/N - relationship stuff
Doc - first time I've heard about this.
Y/N - really? I thought I mentioned this like last time?
Doc - the last time was almost 3 months ago.
Y/N - oh.
Surprised, I fixed myself up again. My back straightened itself as I fixed my glasses, pushing it back up on the bridge of my nose.
Doc - you are of no fault though, you are a busy man.
Y/N - aren't you too doc?
Doc - I am. But, I'm merely a therapist
Y/N - and also a licensed doctor
Doc - that is true. But, with matters at the hands and time is of the essence. Tell me, what's been bothering you?
His gaze had a look of curiosity behind them, and not one to deny his questions. I looked out the window.
Y/N - let's just say, for anonymity purposes. I'd like to call them Bear and uh Lion.
Doc - any reason in particular?
Y/N - they just remind me of the animals I mentioned.
Looking back at him, lifting my hand and rubbing my face before sniffling.
Doc - what are they to you?
Y/N - partners.
Doc - I never took you for a very experimental person especially in polygamy.
Y/N - neither did I, but it just happened.
Doc - is it sexual? Or rather a more romantic relationship if I must say so?
Y/N - both, though we don't have sex a lot.
Doc - I see. If I may be curious, is the current source of your problems the partners you have mentioned?
Y/N - if I can be frank Doc, it's a mixture of my daughter, work and them.
Doc - hm. Let's just take it slow and one by one first. First, the aforementioned partners, talk to me about them.
Y/N - well, Lion is a very eccentric person. Outgoing, go lucky, happy and she's very funny.
Doc - I see.
Y/N - Bear is a more straightforward person, she's the type to care for you silently without you knowing y'get me?
Doc - I understand.
Y/N - yeah and it's not like internal problems- well it is- but- I-
His eyebrow lifted, lips pursuing.
Doc - hm?
Y/N - I had found out on Christmas eve, during the evening that Bear had loved me for so long.
Doc - an old flame perhaps? Friend?
Y/N - friend, we're sort of childhood friends if I had to put it that way.
Doc - hm, what about this lion person?
Y/N - I had met that person about almost a year ago now.
Doc - friend? Friend of a friend? How did the both of you transpire?
Y/N - co-worker actually.
Doc - interesting.
Y/N - it's doing my head in because, initially Lion was mad at me because I wanted to be with Bear as well but now they've just accepted it and- and- it's confusing me. I just don't understand but I'm also scared doc.
Spreading my legs, my elbows on my thighs digging into them. I held my head with my hands in confused disbelief.
Doc - have they amended with you about the feelings they had?
Y/N - they have and they've been comforting me about it saying that they talked it out and that they both love me as the same but, I'm still so afraid doc. So so afraid.
Doc - of?
Y/N - that they'll leave me. You know me doc, you've dealt with who I am for the past 4 years now. My panic attacks are back again, I still can't handle stress and I'm slowly losing who I am.
Almost muttering my words out, lifting my head up and softly lowering my hands onto the armchair where he put his hands out, taking a deep breath which prompts me to take one too.
Doc - deep breaths Y/N, just relax.
Taking a long deep breath with my nose, closing my eyes for a solitary few seconds calming myself down before opening.
Y/N - sorry doc.
Doc - it's alright. Slowly alright? But, in consolement. If I were to propose and take a gander, they'd probably come to a conclusion that wouldn't sacrifice both their emotions and relationship with you, correct?
Y/N - I think so, from what it looks like.
Doc - do you love them?
Y/N - I do doc. Both of them. Very very much.
Doc - as much as your daughter?
Y/N - in a sense, yeah.
Doc - in a sense you say?
Y/N - the love where I want to be closer to them emotionally and physically but not like that y'know.
Doc - no no I understand. Are they aware of your conditions?
Shaking my head, I lifted my leg and put it over the other before lifting my hand and scratching the back of my head.
Y/N - no doc.
Doc - how come?
Y/N - they worry for me you see. I've come to my own understanding that they must love me and see me the same as I do but, I've shown enough of my own suffering from my own self, I don't want to burden them anymore.
Doc - it's not a burden Y/N. It's an undeniable truth, something that you can't physically control. It's within the walls of your mind, you are not hurting anyone nor will you hurt them because of something that hurts you.
Y/N - I'm sti- still scared, doc.
He took a sigh, his eyes mellowed almost feeling sorry for me.
Doc - it's okay to be scared, the best I can do for you is tell you that it's okay. That it's not of my own volition to tell you to just tell them. You can ease yourself and prepare yourself for a time when you want to, do you understand?
Y/N - yes doc.
Doc - but, will you ever plan to?
Y/N - I do doc, indeed I do.
Doc - then I can rest assured then, there's no pressure from me to you.
Y/N - thanks doc.
Doc - but, tell me more. Do you have doubts about this sort of relationship between the three of you?
Y/N - a little. I just don't know how to make them happy together, they ask for different things. They work the same job but at different times, and I have to balance Jinae and work as well.
Doc - have you ever considered taking a temporary leave from your job for a while? You had mentioned to me before you work from the late evenings until the morning five to seven days a week.
Y/N - I do, a friend of mine recommended me to do it and I plan to once the new year comes around.
Doc - excellent, then I don't have to refrain from alternative options.
Y/N - hm.
Doc - your daughter Jinae, she's in first grade now isn't she?
Y/N - yes.
Doc - winter break?
Y/N - that too.
Doc - when is she coming back to school?
Y/N - about a week from now.
Doc - I suggest you should spend time with her, you had always said you felt most at ease around your daughter.
Y/N - that's true. I'm trying doc, but there is a lot of stuff around the house to do.
Doc - do your partners help you in any way?
Y/N - they do but I always-
A sense of realisation hits me, almost slapping my forehead.
Doc - stop them so you can do them?
Y/N - yeah.... I do.
Sighing, my leg began to shake out of habit.
Doc - it's a habit you've dealt with naturally since the beginning of our sessions together, am I correct?
Y/N - yeah, why do I do it again?
Doc - habits die hard, if they ask for help next time. Please, allow yourself to break from your own restraint and let them. They must have the intent to soothe you of your hardship.
Y/N - I'll try my best doc.
Doc - do your partners ask for anything, unobtainable? If I may ask?
Y/N - such as?
Doc - constant attention, ownership of items, money even?
Y/N - nope.
Doc - then why do you think you have to make them happy for their own sake? They could be happy already just being around you
Y/N - I don't know doc, it's just- all so sudden to me. It's very recent so I'm trying to adjust
Doc - I apologise, you had told me earlier.
Y/N - no no it's okay.
Doc - but, you said you've known them for quite a long time correct?
Y/N - yeah.
Doc - then I suppose you don't have to worry about anything then. They are used to you and what you must like and love, then I wouldn't need to think that they're unhappy unless you state so. Do they seem unhappy to you as of recently? Maybe over text or in person since Christmas?
Y/N - nope, we've been acting the same as usual since then.
Doc - hm. If anything does occur the next time we meet, do tell.
Y/N - will do.
Doc - well I'm glad to see that you're well Y/N.
Softly smiling at him, he glanced at his watch before closing his notepad, putting his pen and notepad down beside him.
Doc - that's all the time we have, I'm sorry since it's the holiday season
Y/N - no no it's alright, any chance I get you know to meet.
Doc - yeah. Any plans for new years?
Y/N - maybe to spend it with Jinae and said partners, maybe family too.
Doc - I'll be doing the same too with the exception of multiple partners.
We both laughed wholeheartedly as he got out of his chair, watching him walk over to a cabinet.
It was the medicine cabinet where he kept his pills, he must be giving me another batch.
Doc - but before you leave, here.
Walking over to me, he brought his hand over to me at a reasonable distance.
Open palmed and showcasing the bottle of pills for me to take.
Y/N - thanks doc.
Taking it from him and putting it in my jacket pocket, zipping it to keep it in there.
I stood up and met him eye to eye.
Doc - no payment as usual, you've paid for this month already
Y/N - haha yeah, I did.
Doc - I'll see you out.
Y/N - sure.
The both of us walked towards the door, stopping before it. Where he opened the door for me.
Walking out of the room and turning around to face him, I softly smiled.
Doc - you have a good holiday alright?
Y/N - you too doc, say hi to your family for me.
Doc - will do. Take care of yourself.
Y/NÂ - you too, thanks doc. Happy new year.
Doc - happy new year Y/N.
Turning back around to walk out of the building, I heard the door close behind me where I suddenly stopped.
My eyes focused on a painting he had on a wall, one of a painted sunset with such elegant and beautiful colours.
It could only make me cry if I wasn't so hard on myself.