The night has come for us,
It's ever so tranquil state, mesmerizing the corners of our heads.
What a simple time to say hello to.
Shortly after coming home and having dinner with the three of us.
Me, Jinae and Jimin.
When muffin was feeling sleepy, we both decided that we should bring her to sleep together. We shared something together after a long time since we reconnected with each other.
Understanding that she's doing this for the sake of our daughter, but I couldn't understand what she was really thinking behind those eyes of hers, with good intention of course.
But, there was a part of me that wanted to believe that there was a flicker of hope?
Surely not, but something else entirely.
If I could come to terms with it then yes, for now. I'll just let the carpet roll out itself.
Sitting by the edge of Jinae's bed, my hand caressing her hair. Softly speaking, to ease her into sleeping after she asked us to read a bedtime story.
Holding the bear in her arms, looking at both me and Jimin. A soft quaint smile appeared before us.
Y/N - did you enjoy the story muffin?
Jinae - yes....
Jimin squatted beside me. Glancing at her, sharing a familiar smile.
Karina - Jinae-ah.
Jinae - yes unnie?
Karina - can you tell me what you want to be when you grow up?
Jinae - mmhmm......
Placing a hand on my shoulder, reassuring me for whatever answer she was going to give me.
Jinae - I want to be like mama.
Y/N - oh yeah?
Skeptical a bit from her answer but then again, it's best to let a child dream.
Jinae - I want to be cool, awesome like mama.
Y/N - then you'll have to work hard for that okay?
Jinae - I want to help papa.
Y/N - help me? How come?
She closed her eyes, moving around a bit while I tucked her in. Lifting my hand off her hair.
Jinae - papa is always making me happy, I want to make papa happy too.
Y/N - I'm happy, muffin.
Jinae - but.... You always look- *yawn* sad......
My expression softened, the corners of my lips almost frowning as we watched her drift off. Swallowing my breath while I thought to myself.
She's worried about me.
If I had to put it that way, or maybe I just never knew that she knew about what I've sacrificed for her.
The days I had to carry her on my back while I worked at whatever job I could find, some days I couldn't afford diapers for her as a baby. The arguments with my parents wanting to give her up, but I couldn't because my love for her,
Always outweigh whatever materialistic amount I could ever want.
At the end of the day, if I lose everything.
I'd be okay with it, but losing her?
My heart would never be whole ever again, even so. Maybe I would perish because of it.
Looking behind me to look at Jimin, her hand positioning it to the back of my head, caressing it softly.
Karina - come on, she's asleep now. Let's go to the living room alright?
Nodding in agreement, we both got up. My knees cracked a bit as I lifted myself up with my hands, she went out of the room first while I watched her leave. But before stepping out of the room, halfway out of the door already.
Looking behind for a glimpse of Jinae before placing my hand on the door handle, pulling it towards me and closing it fully.
Shaking my head a bit just to clear it, my eyes caught wind of Jimin on the couch already. Laying there, her eyes staring at me with her head tilted up, pressing against the back of the couch.
Karina - you wanna drink and talk?
Y/N - yeah sure, I could use a conversation.
Lifting her head back up, my feet got to work going over to the kitchen where I stood in front of the cabinets.
Opening it softly, revealing some wine glasses. Taking it and placing it in between my fingers and closing the cabinet just to open another.
Y/N - oh wait.
Looking down at the glasses, taking one of them and placing it in the sink and holding the other. Turning on the tap and quickly cleaning both of them and drying it before walking over to her, placing them on the coffee table.
Y/N - hold up for a second, wine fine with you? I don't want to drink heavy.
Karina - that's fine.
Y/N - cool.
Making my way back to the kitchen, going back towards the open cabinet and picking out one of the red wine's I had laying around that not even Soo-Young-noona would want to touch since it's for 'special occasions' but I guess this is a special occasion in itself.
Opening a drawer, scanning for the corkscrew. After a minute of looking for it, finding it and closing the drawer as I held it up.
Unwrapping the seal on the bottle and plugging the corkscrew into the cork of the wine.
Karina - hey, can I put on music?
Y/N - what type?
Karina - something soft, Jinae's asleep obviously.
Y/N - go for it.
After opening the wine bottle, placing the corkscrew on the counter.
Walking back to her, pouring the wine to an acceptable amount in the glasses while she put on music.
Karina - it's a nice night
Y/N - yeah it is.
Placing the bottle a bit away from the glasses, I sat beside her, the both of us grabbing the glasses.
Facing each other and making friendly clink.
Karina - to- uh- Jinae?
Y/N - yeah, to Jinae.
Softly laughing to ourselves, we both took a sip together.
The almost caramel-like taste of the wine washed down my throat smoothly. Warm yet almost comforting, fitting for a night like this.
Karina - hm, now I get why Joo-Hyun-unnie says to stay away from the wines. This is good, I could drink an entire bottle.
Y/N - yeah, it's from the nineties so, not really much to go around these days. It was a bit pricey.
Karina - who got it?
Y/N - me. Bought it just in case.
Karina - never took you for a wine drinker.
Y/N - neither did I but it's nice to at least have wine to have around if I don't have anything else to drink and better enough, just in case for a night like this. Not too quiet but not too loud.
Karina - mmhm.
The faint sound of cars passing by outside, slight buzzing from the lampposts, it really felt like it was appropriate to bring it out.
We sat our glasses down together, our bodies facing each other. Placing her hand on the side of her head, laying her elbow on the couch.
Karina - so, got anything to say mister?
Y/N - not really if I had to be honest.
Karina - really? You usually have something to say.
Y/N - well.
Making myself comfortable, clearing my throat before I spoke.
Y/N - what do you think of your career so far?
Laughing because of the question, feeling the weight of the stupidity coming from my question making me furrow my eyebrows
Y/N - alright fine, jeez. How about you go first then?
Karina - no no, it's a good question. Just caught me off guard.
Easing up again, sighing because of her reaction.
Karina - I'd say- It's okay. I feel like it's not the beginning of something big, but I think we've established ourselves well in the industry.
Y/N - you guys are practically more popular than ever. It went well in the beginning then a slight dip in the middle then back up again recently
Karina - what? Are you saying people didn't like 'My World'? Or 'Drama'?
Y/N - no of course not! Just how I see it.
Karina - someone's got a big head since they went to music college
Y/N - hey, you know me. Can't help to criticize equally when it comes to music.
Karina - it's not a bad thing you know. I like that part of you. Keeps us in check of what we're doing wrong or right.
Y/N - but that's more like now, you get me? It hasn't been long since we reconnected.
Karina - yeah....
She looked down towards her lap for a moment before looking back at me, her expression softening like she wanted to tell me something.
Karina - what was it like? Seeing Jinae walk for the first time?
My head immediately flashed through memories of the important moments that even if I were ninety, I'd never forget them.
Jinae's first steps, I never understood why a father would truly abandon their child, or why mine ever did. Seeing her small almost marshmallow sized feet touch the ground for the first time, with no help from me. Just walking across the floor like she's done it naturally.
All I could say was from that moment on, I'd treasure her like no other.
Y/N - it was a feeling like no other.
Laughing softly at the memory flashing by, my chest felt a weight pushed off. Almost air-like.
Y/N - it was on a Wednesday afternoon, a few months after her birthday, well yours and hers.
Karina - heh.
Y/N - I was with Seung-Wan-noona and Joo-Hyun-noona. They came over just to visit to talk with me about Red Velvet stuff. And then out of nowhere, when Joo-Hyun-noona was playing with her. She just joked around saying, making Jinae stand up and making her dance and I guess she was messing with her and walked to the other side of the room to do some impression, but then all of a sudden when I was in the middle of talking to Seung-Wan-noona, she just immediately blew up with excitement.
Jimin's smile told me everything as I recalled the story the best I could.
Y/N - pointing at me and smacking me on the shoulder to look, just the- biggest shocked expression on Joo-hyun's-noona's face when I joined in with her shock. Just getting up from the chair and running over to Joo-Hyun-noona. Watching Jinae walk, a happy gummy smile on her face and it was just. I finally felt like I did something important with my life that moment.
I had looked away while I talked, and when I finally stared eye to eye with her. Not understanding the expression on her face.
Tucking in my lips and nodding, she got a little closer to me, scooting over a meter away from me.
Karina - did you really feel like you achieved something for once?
Y/N - truthfully? I did. I really did.
Karina - but you achieved so much before.
Y/N - like what? Graduating High School? College? Being the Music Club President? You know I just never did anything good with my life that wasn't worth a lot.
Karina - you had me, you helped me through everything. Getting me to where I am now because of you. You took care of our daughter, you're like Superman to her. You practically pushed Red Velvet to where they are too, because of you. You made Aespa, you made Karina, Winter, Giselle, maybe except Ning since that is just her name. But point being, you achieved so much more than you think.
Y/N - you're right. I- I'm sorry.
Karina - you need to be proud of yourself, what you've contributed to the world even though that only our family will ever know, is that you truly are a superhero to everyone. And not all heroes are not known.
Y/N - I'm proud of Jinae, of you. Of Haewon, Seulgi, everyone. But- I- I just don't feel proud of what I've done, what I did to get us here.
Karina - but because of what you did, I'm back to you. Back home.
Her eyes squinted at me, her touch caressing my cheek.
Karina - I'm back home to the man I've watched grow up, the man that took care of me and never left my side no matter how much I complained about training, whenever I got sick. Whenever you broke my heart because of how stupid of a teen I was thinking you were too damn popular.
That brought me hope. A gesture of love.
Karina - but you gave me to me, when we cried together in each other's arms that night when I found out about her-
She glanced down to her stomach, knowing what she meant.
Karina - how much we were scared, everything that ran through our heads.
Y/N - you gave me, Jinae.
Karina - we gave each other the love of our lives. You gave me something to live for, and every moment I spent without her. Knowing what I've missed. That I missed you, and I do. I still do. And I missed our daughter.
I looked back down again, hearing her words almost go straight through my ears because then again, what did I ever expect?
That the former love of my life would come back in and act like nothing changed?
We both knew that our love for each other had dwindled but, seeing her vulnerable like this. It chooses to be heavy upon my conscience.
Karina - you've never changed in my eyes, despite the hair on your face longer and thicker than it ever was. The wrinkles on your skin, my adoration for the man you once were and still are, is still my desire till the seconds lie in between us.
I placed my hand on top of her hand, we both had our faults but faults that we've come to understand about ourselves. A fault I couldn't bear to deny.
Karina - I would gladly break my heart for you once more Y/N, no matter how much it hurts. But whatever I feel today, tomorrow or a week after. Seeing the face of a boy all grown up. All I ask is for an embrace.
Despite where I am today, denying her of a request that even I know deep down.
I wouldn't want to hurt Haewon or Seulgi.
But her eyes didn't speak of desperation, but of a calling long for her.
A calling that I share too.
Without speaking, my hand reached her for her waist, pulling her closer as she understood. Putting herself on my lap, comfortably sitting there where she laid her arms around my neck.
Her shoulder rested itself on my shoulder, the smell of her hair coursing in my nose, a sense of nostalgia.
The same shampoo she used, still even in her maturity.
Karina - can I stay a little longer in your arms?
A subtle hum of agreement, not letting go of her with my arms wrapped around her body. Our warmth shares the same meaning.
By the morning sun,
Maybe when I wake up tomorrow.
I'll remember tonight,
For the better or worst of a moment lest,
Shared amongst former lovers, separated by the universe's stars.