The quench for thirst devoured me from within, but how couldn't I resist?
I really do need a drink, I'm thirsty as fuck.
Blowing out smoke, minty taste radiating from inside of my mouth, I wouldn't be surprised if I smelled like shit on my jacket and had a minty breath.
I know that's not how it works but maybe I should've just stuck to normal 100s, actually.
Never mind, maybe kings instead.
The cold breeze, paired with an almost blue sky wavering over pale clouds. Sunshine radiating through them, piercing the sky onto me and other passerbys.
It's been two weeks since the announcement happened and it's-
Somewhat almost died down.
Sure I'm outside right now but I'm wearing a mask and an all black outfit, maybe a bit too suspicious and a bit too much but hey, it's not like I'm the only one sporting the same look right now.
Letting out some smoke, my hands are a bit cold despite the sunshine. A wolf in sheep's clothing far beyond the place, an almost wilting anger rising from inside since in my opinion,
The fucking forecast definitely lied.
Standing outside of an almost unknown cafe, though a bit hidden from the rest in these narrow streets, bi-polar architecture, it's a hidden gem that's for sure judging from taking a look inside waiting for the person who called me here in the first place.
Placing the cig in between my lips, holding it in place letting out some smoke from the left side of my mouth, I took out my phone and began texting the person
Y/N
Hey, where you at?
Sending it and turning my phone off, placing it in my pocket without any thought. I think I may be either too early or she's really running late. But to be fair, I'm two minutes early so I hope that text didn't seem to brash.
My back laid against the concrete wall, my eyes like a hawk watching other people pass by.
I don't have a lot on my mind right now, maybe except for my birthday and Joo-Hyun-noona's coming up later this month.
Just I don't really know about it, it's too big of a thing than I usually would like.
Keeping myself pretty compact if I had to describe myself fully.
I hate parties usually, same thing with going out to clubs and shit.
I mean the party thing doesn't really apply if it's with family or friends, that's different than just parties with strangers.
I haven't seen Doc in a while, and for a while. It's only been a week or so, just giving him the ups and downs of recent events and he's been pretty open to expressing how he really feels about it. He isn't against it but just reminded me to keep my head down for the time being and get my medication so that's a plus.
Keeping my head up, the last inhale of the cig goes through inside to my lungs. Seeing it burn to the filter, throwing it down to the floor and stomping on it to extinguish the flame.
Blowing out the smoke holding my forehead in my hand, closing my eyes and taking a breath of the air around me.
Y/N - Jesus Christ. I need to quit again.
I've already spent too much on these damn things in the past two weeks. Keeping it hidden from Jinae is not working since the smell is lingering on my jacket a lot.
Fuck it, even if it means cold turkey, I'll do it for her.
It's the last thing I want her to see me as.
Hearing some loud footsteps, like they were rushing towards me making me lift my head up
Lily - ah! I'm sorry to have kept you waiting!
Her voice seeped into my ears, brandishing a soft smile across my face where she suddenly wrapped her arms around me hugging me for a few seconds, her voice panicked.
Lily - Sh- she had us kept there for a while! I'm sorry!
Y/N - no no it's okay, I was just curious where you were.
Letting go of me, stepping back where I was able to look at her properly.
In a little beret hat that she probably stole from Jinsol, a comfortable red scarf around her neck and a pretty white dress accustomed in a brown jacket similar to mine
Lily - how are you?!
Y/N - I'm good, sorry for the smell. Took a smoke
Lily - it's okay, they're bad for you y'know
Y/N - I know, it's been a stressful two weeks. But I'll quit eventually
Lily - that's good
She had an awkwardly adorable smile alongside a slight blush on her face, this was a little 'date' as I would put it since during the free times I had a break during work.
I would pop down to see her whenever the girls were doing other things and most of the time Haewon was out doing Workdol or promotions for brands, just the two of us in the cramped silent room talking our hearts out about books we loved, sometimes almost arguing about the characters or decision made in the writing but in the end, we appreciated the similarities in the comfort it brought us.
Y/N - what about you? You're dressed up all nicely
Lily - r- really? You lik- like it?
Doing a little 360 twirl on the spot to show off her outfit, letting the dress frill a bit but not enough to show her undergarments as I smiled, gently clapping to show my admiration for it
Y/N - it looks beautiful on you, almost like a french newspaper girl or something
Lily - thank you, yo- you look great too.
Y/N - ah it's alright, it's the same jacket I always wear. Same hoodie and jeans and shoes, everything really
Lily - either way, you still look really good
Y/N - thanks
Lily - so if I'm a french newspaper girl like you say, what are you then?
Y/N - I would think I'm Ethan Winters from Resident Evil 7 and 8
Lily - huh?
Y/N - just a character from a horror game
Lily - that's cool
Y/N - yeah, should we head in?
Lily - oh yeah right!
The both of us stood by each other, taking my hand forward pointing to the door to which she nodded her head, indicating I should go first
Y/N - alright then
Placing my hand on the door and pushing it, the echo of a bell resonating in our ears. Catching wind of the front counter and an employee greeting us.
Holding the door open for her, letting her in. We walked to the front, our necks turning to look at each other
Y/N - so what are you getting?
Lily - I'll take an iced Americano
Y/N - then I'll do the same
Ordering our drinks and getting a table assigned to us. The atmosphere took us in immediately, the slight smell of smoked wood, soft lofi playing around the air. A few people were here but we're here for the same reason we came here.
All reading around the bookshelves and comfy, almost all season feel to it.
It's quite the gimmick but honestly for what it is, I'll take it since we just wanted some time to read together and to talk about the book we chose for today to discuss and read.
Finding seats and sitting down in them, we took the books out of our bags.
Compared to my old worn satchel of many years to her stylish, economic tote bag, it was quite vast of a difference.
Lily - this is going to be a good read
Y/N - It looks good honestly, the blurb seemed pretty entertaining to me so I have high hopes for this.
Lily - should we read first or do you want to wait till our orders here?
Y/N - let's take a breather first and have a chat, what about that?
Lily - honestly yeah, I got some stuff to let out my chest
Y/N - sure go on
Taking a sigh, the both of us sat close to each other where she laid back against the couch which substituted for normal chairs and to elevate the gimmick of the cafe.
Y/N - so what's up?
Lily - it's been a rough few days, promotions and stuff got me really tired and thinking about life
Y/N - lay it in on me
Lily - I just- I enjoy being an idol and touring and everything but it's just mentally draining me. I miss home, I miss Victoria, I miss loads of things
Y/N - I see.
Taking the time to think about my answer, sitting up and facing her with a reassuring look
Y/N - it's bound to happen. You've been in this business as a group and as an idol for three years now, you're already great enough and you know yourself it's okay to miss things even if they're important. I don't know anything because I don't live that life but, it's okay to let go and think about yourself when you need to.
Lily - yeah.... I'm probably just overreacting
Y/N - no no, you're not.
Placing my hand on top of her hand that she had laid on her thigh, she softly smiled where I gave her a subtle nod.
Lily - I- I just- it's been three years you know? Since we debuted, that's four years left till we renew, I don't know if I can keep on going and I do love it obviously but, I'm just scared for the future
Y/N - and it's okay to be scared of the future, I'm scared too.
Lily - you are?
Y/N - four years from now, Jinae's gonna be ten years old, and I'm four years older. Time scares me, it really does. I won't be good looking anymore
With that sarcastic remark, she let out a giggle which made sure that she was at least somewhat comforted about her fears
Y/N - but, it's just how it is. Four years is long and we'll change in every way in those years. But hopefully by then, we'll be happy. With who we were, who we are by then. All our problems are gone and washed away, your future is in your hands so make good use of it to form the future you want. And I know you'll do amazing, all of you and for NMIXX as well. Even in those four years if I'm not around anymore, you'll remember me in some way maybe as some old guy with a kid, maybe someone you cherished for however you think of me. But I'll think of you as someone who is amazing, bright. Loved by many, cherished close to you.
Lily - t- thank you. Y/N.
Y/N - hey. No bother. I don't want to see that smile off your face so soon, especially when we're about to read something good.
Softly laughing, her eyes churned with hope. The smile I wanted to see was there, I just don't want her to be sad.
â----
*a few hours later*
Our backs laid against each other, the both of us closing the book at the same time. An almost empty cup of our selected drinks laid on the table.
Heads smushed together, not too hard or not too soft. Just perfect.
Letting out a yawn, my eyes laid focused on the window staring out onto the street
Lily - that was great, I liked it.
Y/N - me too. Thought it was interesting, you think James really got with her after all?
Lily - maybe, it's implied that he'll see her again, but apparently the author would make the sequel later on this year so we'll have to wait and see
Y/N - now I got hella high hopes for this now
Lily - yeah same
Dropping the book in front of me on the couch, curling my knees up to my chest, laying my chin on them.
Lily - speaking of love, how- how's it going with Haewon? Yoona even?
Y/N - honestly? Weird. That day it was just- sudden- I never expected her to even look at me that way
Lily - you- you'll be surprised on how many do
Y/N - what? Like my co-workers?
Lily - no it's just. Haewon used to talk about you a lot before you guys got together
Y/N - I know
Lily - and then it was Yoona, and then I felt. Left out.
Y/N - why?
Lily - love is weird, like you say sometimes
Y/N - love is weird. You just feel something for a person and next thing you know, your whole world revolves around the thought of them
Lily - I- I think I understand that
Y/N - that's good.
Lily - well, I love myself, I love the girls, I love you, and Jinae.
Y/N - that's just love in a general sense, not romantic though
Lily - romantic love scares me, h- how- how did you love Haewon that way?
Y/N - I do- don't know. It just brought something out in me. The time that we spent with each other, it just. Meant something a lot more than I should've realised. The way she made me feel safe to be with her, to tell her things I wouldn't normally tell. Before you knew it, I fell for her. With Yoona, it's different. She's kind. She's adorable to be around, sorta like Jinae. She just has that upbeat attitude and funny demeanour to her that just makes her loveable, and- I'm still trying to reciprocate her feelings stronger like she does but it's holding me back a bit because I just knew her that way. But never felt for her romantically
Lily - hm.
Y/N - but it isn't to say that the time I spent with her was, useless. It was great, having to know her, spend time with her in what we both like like we're doing right now. She's reliable and understanding. But I guess that's what you have to be when you're in love. The same way I feel towards Haewon, Seulg, Jimin.
Lily - I- I want to say that, I feel comfortable around you. You somehow bring the best in me, and I want to thank you for that
Y/N - hey, no problem.
Lily - you may not be the most exact like hottest person on the planet or perfect entirely but you're an amazing man. Person really to be around. I get your love for Jinae as a father to be admirable, makes me want to be a mother sometimes. The way you lift her up in your arms and the look in your eyes when you see her
Y/N - she's my world to me after all.
Lily - yeah, and just the way you treat Haewon, or Seulgi-unnie or Jimin-unnie. You guys argue but it's never out of hate, you guys joke with each other all the time, be affectionate towards each other without a care and it makes me a bit jealous
Y/N - sorry about that then
Lily - no, I just like that. Makes me wish for it as well.
Y/N - well any man is happy to have you, really. You make a room light up when it's dark, like a lighthouse guiding the way. It's just finding the perfect person to be with for you is the hard part.
Lily - what if I told yo- you. That- I feel the same way like Yoona does?
Y/N - then- honestly. It doesn't surprise me from the way I'm responding to you right now
We both softly laughed, turning my neck slightly to glance at her from behind. But I felt some motion, making me turn around where she was already staring at me with a soft elegant smile.
Lily - Y/N. I- I just- I'm not jealous of what you have for them, but I want what you feel towards them. Towards me.
Y/N - it's not easy Lily.
Lily - I know. I just wanted to say this because I want a chance to fight for it at least. You've done so much for me, you even care to stop by and check how I'm doing when I'm all alone without the girls. You make my heart feel warm, and it soothes me. You're a bit brash at times and sometimes a little too calm but- I like it. I like you. And in some way, I love you more than a friend.
Y/N - well- I- uhm-
Lily - I don't want to be kissed out of pity or hugged out of pity or comforted about pity. I just want to know that I have a chance at least.
Y/N - you do. Really, you do. My morality as a person is somewhat fucked up now. Four girls is a lot, giving you all the same love is a lot too. Because there's days I can be cold, angry, and stressed. And I don't want that for you
Lily - but I do want it Y/N. I don't care if I have to break my own heart over and over again just to be given 'no' . I think about all the small moments we have together, and for the first time in my life. I learned to cherish it, to hold it in my heart that I know tha- that- I love you- and I mean it with every fiber of my being.
Grabbing my hands, holding it close to her chest where she almost frowned, a little of tears flowing in her eyes but not wanting to come out.
Lily - I know I deserve a lot more, that I should have someone who would have time for me. But I don't have time either, all I've known is NMIXX, this idol life and you. You're not a second last resort nor are you just a pitiful crush.
Y/N - Lily- I-
Lily - I'm not going to beg. But- please- take my heart into your own thoughts and tell me what you see.
Y/N - I see an amazing girl, with a bright future. An amazing voice who could lead armies into war. I see a picture of you in a locket I would keep as a family heirloom for generations, someone to be proud of entirely. Lily, I- I w- w-what you want from me, are you really sure?
Lily - yes. I do.
Y/N - even if I hurt you?
Lily - I'm already hurt thinking about what I could miss in the next four years without you.
Y/N - t- then. Let's try. I'll do my best to support all of you, to love you the same and damn well. I wouldn't deny that I do feel a little something for you. Because of the warmth you give me. I'm not downplaying what I feel for Haewon or for Seulgi, or for Jimin because I have my own reasons why I love them, what I feel for them. My own locket, tucked away of the thousands of reasons why I can wake up everyday knowing that hey. Someone or everyone is waiting for me to count on them as they count on me.
Lily - t- thank you-
Y/N - no no no. Thank you for being Lily. for who you are. Don't ever apologize for feeling the way you are, because I understand it. Lily I- I like you as well, and I love you as well. May it be a few months but, everyone is different in the way they feel. You've given me a part of myself I could let go and tell.
A tear fell from her eye, a sudden embrace from her arms around my neck.
My hands laid around on her back, quiet sobs from the bookworm that gave me a reason to think about how much left I have in me.
In this quiet cafe,
On a spring day.