*knock knock*
It's been a few weeks since the party, all is well. All is fair.
I'm back to work fortunately and the news has died down thankfully as well, but my co-workers still ask about it. Keeping my head down and just avoiding the question honestly.
Today was technically a day off but sajangnim had called me in to take care of Jinsol who had fallen sick on the day they were supposed to be performing. Now usually he would step in but he's also busy with some ITZY stuff so it's just me today.
Just me.
My eyes towards the front door, closing my eyes while waiting for Jinsol to answer the door. I wasn't given the key or anything so I hope she's still awake so she can open up.
Sniffling, gulping as I cleared my throat, coughing out loud before hearing the door creak open, making me open my eyes to see her wrapped up in a blanket with a smile on her face but looked sickly pale.
Bae - oppa- hi- *sniff*
Y/N - you got a cold?
Bae - yeah- pretty bad o- *cough cough* one-
Y/N - shit, can I come in?
Bae - yeah of course *cough* sajangnim told me, just don't get too close
Y/N - will do
Stepping back from me to create some space to let me in, she opened the door for me where upon entering, she closed the door and walked in front of me but with some distance between us. Her hands gripping on the blankets around her and further cuddling herself with them.
Y/N - uhm- you take medicine?
Bae - ani
Shaking her head, still keeping her smile on her where I just sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose before looking back at her.
Y/N - why not?
Bae - I- uhm- I just woke up
Realising my mistake, tucking in my lips and crossing my arms where I nod towards the couch
Y/N - come on, sit down. You need to rest
Bae - alrighty
Sitting down on the couch, my feet immediately swept towards the kitchen. My hand gripping onto their fridge for any ingredients, grabbing a few of what I need to make something for her and also examining their cabinets as well
Bae - where's Jinae? oppa?
Y/N - at home with Seulg and Soo-Young-noona
Bae - oh, everyone's at work right now
Y/N - I know, that's why I'm here
Bae - you didn't have to, I can take care of myself
Y/N - I know that too, but I get called in for my job for anything, so I'll do my job
Bae - so are you here as an employee or my friend?
Y/N - both, mainly friend because I am concerned about you
Bae - awww.....
Y/N - so rest easy for the moment while I make you something to eat
Bae - thank you
Y/N - no probs.
Grabbing what I needed, closing all of the cabinets and laying the ingredients down onto the counter, taking the chopping board from the side wall of the kitchen and laying it flat in front of me.
Taking a vegetable and a knife, getting right into the groove of it while I hummed to the tune of Clair de Lune.
Maybe I should replay 'The Evil Within' again.
Getting lost into the rhythm of cutting the vegetables, I had failed to notice that behind me, there were some faint steps into my ears but I didn't fully register it fully until turning my head briefly to glance at her, where she now was right on top of the island watching me
Y/N - oh, Jinsol.
Bae - don't mind me, I'm bored so I'm watching you
Y/N - alright. By the way, how's the family of yours doing?
Bae - about my brother and stuff?
Y/N - yeah.
Bae - well, me and him get along pretty well. Same thing with my sister, we do plan to have this trip to Oxford where the both of them are from
Y/N - shit, he's British?
Bae - you're making it sound like that's a bad thing
Y/N - no just surprised
Bae - he's not silly, he's half-American and Half-Korean
Y/N - oh right right, half-siblings. I forgot
Bae - he's really nice to me, we have that age gap but he's just so, gentle.
Y/N - I see. I heard about him with Kiss Of Life, that group
Bae - from who?
Y/N - ITZY's manager
Bae - there he goes running his mouth again
Sighing at the thought of him, I smiled softly where I turned around to face her, turning on the gas wanting to know more about her thoughts
Y/N - is he always like that?
Bae - he's a bit of a tattletale, but a fun guy
Y/N - really is, I went out for a drink with him the other night
Bae - he's funny isn't he?
Y/N - haha yeah, I know I quit drinking but when I'm around him. I ended up being drunk for the first time in a long while since Christmas
Bae - I didn't know you were drunk on Christmas
Y/N - well, I sobered up while you guys were asleep
Bae - oh. But yeah, my brother's like I'd say- very close with them
Y/N - how close?
Bae - to the point where I have to cover my ears when I'm over his place
Y/N - ah yeah.
Bae - and he's dating Bae Suzy too, so makes it worse that I have to hear those two flirt when I'm around
Y/N - oooo, I heard that from him too. Lucky guy, but then again he's dating IU
Bae - I'm starting to really see a pattern in the industry here
Y/N - me too. I'm already dating three of your members, so it can't get worse than this right?
Bae - maybe, maybe not
Y/N - that's somewhat comforting, but since we're here. How do you feel about relationships?
Bae - they're cool, It'd be nice to be in one.
Y/N - you got a guy you like yet?
Bae - yeah but he's a bit of a dimwit
Y/N - so is every guy to be honest, I would be lying if I say I wasn't to make myself look good
Bae - you got that right
Y/N - heh, yeah.
Bae - what about you oppa? You're already in a relationship, sorry- relationships so what do you think about them?
Y/N - it's cool, I don't mind it at all. Maybe I have to consider more money to go around getting gifts and treating each other equally where I don't want to hurt them and keep stuff from them but at the end of the day, I love them equally as much too
Bae - but not as much as Jinae right?
Y/N - as much as Jinae as you want to think, except you know. Jinae's my daughter, my love for her runs deeper than just the blood we share.
Bae - was it scary? Being a dad so early in your life?
Looking down and facing back to the stove, grabbing a pan nearby me and placing it on the stove, drenching it evenly with oil
Throwing the vegetables in and the heat already sizzling on them, the smell radiating in our noses.
I shrugged, feeling somewhat contempt with what Jinsol said about the lively ups and downs of fatherhood
Y/N - well, it was at first. Questions and thoughts in my head with no answers in foresight to me like 'how would I be able to provide for her?' or 'how the fuck do I change a diaper?' shit even like 'how the hell do I set up a college fund?'
Hearing her laugh behind me, I smiled softly hearing her laugh while flipping the pan
Bae - but you got through it didn't you?
Y/N - I did. And well, despite those days where I'd be up in the early morning trying to get her to sleep, not understanding if she needed food or her mother or a diaper change. I got through it and now since time passed by so fast, she's already almost six years old. Being able to talk, walk, just everything but maybe some parts that haven't developed fully yet which sort of scares me
Bae - which is?
Y/N - questions like 'what's love?' or 'how do I make friends?' when she gets to her teens and going into middle school where everything starts to become self aware for you
Bae - yeah, I understand that
Y/N - I think we all do. Shit, I don't know what'd I do once she's in her rebellious stage or that stage where she's so confused about life. Parts where she'll tell me she hates me because of some argument we'll have or where she'll go out and do shit without telling me but I won't be against it because I was like that too.
Bae - I'd get that, I used to skip school a lot and do things with my friends
Y/N - oh yeah?
Bae - every Monday and Friday, it was just stupid and honestly. I don't regret it, I liked being able to see my friends and everything, but really, I think you'll do fine once she gets to that point
Y/N - I hope so
Bae - no, I guarantee so.
Y/N - well that's comforting
Sharing a laugh with each other, it suddenly felt-
Comforting.
An almost clean atmosphere, the sizzling vegetables where I put in some meat for what I was going to make.
Cars passing by in the distance and a still bright sun coming through from the blinds.
â--------
*about a few hours later*
Bae - but yeah that's how Haewon-unnie got that scar on her arm
Y/N - that's not surprising knowing her
Bae - I'm telling you, she's really clumsy at times
Y/N - aren't we all?
Bae - I have good balance
Y/N - fuck, never mind then
Bae - you know, you always swear a lot
Y/N - I know, I've got quite the sailor's mouth but it's out of habit really. I try my best around Jinae or other kids but I know you girls don't swear a lot but it must be weird
Bae - not really, we've gotten used to it. Gives you character
Y/N - well if I could, I would say nastier shit but I'm too damn calm about everything that I rarely have to use my vocabulary
Bae - have you ever gotten angry? Like really angry?
Y/N - a few times, maybe when my parents disapprove of keeping Jinae. They told me that me and Jimin should've just gave her up for adoption but I just exploded and went on a full explanation to them
Bae - how'd that go?
Y/N - awful, my mom was mad at me at first but over the years since, she's accepted it and loves Jinae when she does visit
Bae - what about your dad?
Y/N - we've rarely talked since then, he's still against me having Jinae. He wants me to have a normal life but, I don't know. This is normal for me. Just being the way I am, I'm still able to enjoy my hobbies, pick up Jinae and just be her father.
Bae - that's good though, have you ever tried to reconcile with him?
Y/N - I do. I tried but my words never got through to him. He's a conversative stern man as I would put him but I do know that he still loves me, he makes sure to text once in a while to see how I'm doing
Bae - well I'm glad your dad still cares
Y/N - yeah. Makes it all the better. How's the soup I made for you?
Bae - it's good, I feel warm
Y/N - that's good to know and it actually does feel pretty warm, weird
Bae - it's just the weather you know how it is.
Y/N - yeah.
We had our bodies huddled up together at a somewhat safe distance from each other, our laps and legs covered by a blanket while the TV blared a movie we put on
*ring*
Our heads turned to the front door before looking at each other in confusion
Bae - who's that?
Y/N - you tell me this is your dorm
Bae - they're not finished yet though
Y/N - I know that, did someone order a package or anything?
Bae - not that I know of
Y/N - I'll answer
Bae - alright
Grabbing the blanket and throwing it off of me, my feet planted on the floor. Standing up and walking over to the front door, gripping the door handle tight as I sighed before slowly opening the door
Y/N - hello?
? - h- hey. T- this is the NMIXX dorm right?
Looking at the guy up and down, examining him. He wore glasses and had some medium well cut hair though it could use a rearrangement again.
Well kept and had only a puffer jacket on, my eyebrow lifted in suspicion
Y/N - ye........ah. Who are you?
? - I'm uh- Bae Jinsol's brother
Y/N - I se-
Bae - oppa?!?
Opening the door fully to show him towards Jinsol who immediately leapt out of the couch, running over to us where she suddenly hugged him, whereupon looking at his face. A big smile formed before stepping back and holding the door, confirming who he was judging by the reaction.
Brother - aren't you sick?!
Bae - yep but I'm still hugging you
Brother - gosh
Y/N - so you're the so called brother I heard so much about
Brother - yeah- wait- who are you?
Y/N - I'm NMIXX's editor, I'm just filling in for their manager and the other guy
Brother - oh right right, sorry about my awkward introduction
Y/N - it's alright
He held on to her, her feet planted on his shoes where he had to almost waddle into the place before I closed the door.
Brother - I'm sorry uhm-
Taking his hand out towards me, his face towards me where I gave him a friendly nod and shook his hand
Y/N - it's a pleasure, from what I'm guessing, you came to check up on your sister?
Brother - yeah I had some free time to myself
Bae - you always have free time
Brother - not when I'm teaching Jinsol-ah, you're already making me look bad in front of him
Bae - he's fine, he's like you but louder
Brother - louder?
Y/N - she's probably delirious from her headache
Brother - gotcha, up you go
Immediately picking her up in his arms, carrying her with his strength which surprised me a little. Now I want to arm wrestle him out of curiosity.
He brought her over to the couch, his eyes scanning around the place and towards the kitchen and onto me
Brother - you made her food?
Y/N - yeah, w- was I not supposed to?
Brother - no you were, good job
Y/N - thanks
Brother - ya Jinsol-ah, how are you sick in April?
Bae - I don't know
Brother - you're lucky Suze isn't here to scold you
Bae - for being sick?!?
Brother - yeah because who the hell gets sick in early summer?!?
Bae - what if I have Covid?!
Brother - alright I diagnose you as delirious, close your eyes and sleep
Bae - I just slept!
Brother - no you clearly didn't! The TV is on!
Bae - I slept through the movie while we were on the couch
Brother - is that so?
Turning to me, I kept quiet watching their conversation. My hand resting on my other forearm where I just pursed my lips and swayed left to right
Y/N - s- she just wanted to watch something
Brother - it's not your fault man, really. I'm not a scary guy so don't worry
Y/N - alright
He suddenly spoke in English to himself, almost muttering to himself as he sighed out of pure frustration
Brother - Suze, I need you so bad right now
Y/N - well she was right about you being half-American
Brother - oh, you know English?
The both of us immediately got into a conversation, Jinsol just silently watching us while she laid on the couch.
Y/N - fluent really
Brother - you went abroad or anything?
Y/N - nah, just took really good classes
Brother - oh, I'm glad to see that English classes teach so well now. I'm a English teacher myself
Y/N - huh no kidding, middle school or high school?
Brother - High school, bit of a pain in the arse if you tell me
Y/N - I get you, sorry about my appearance here. I was concerned too
Brother - all good man, you're an editor right? For them?
Y/N - yeah and occasionally for other idols in the company
Brother - I liked your work on their comeback by the way, it was pretty cool
Y/N - thanks, want me to fix up a cup of coffee or anything?
Brother - nah nah I'm alright, fucking hell it's a bit warm ain't it?
Y/N - it really is, how are you wearing a puffer?
Brother - habit, the UK barely gets warm weather
Y/N - huh, I should visit then.
Brother - you should, great place to look. Shit place to live
Y/N - I'll take that in mind
Bae - oppa
Y/N - yeah?
Brother - yeah?
The both of us in sync responded to her, quickly staring at each other before back at her where she pointed to him
Bae - you oppa
Brother - oh, me
Y/N - that's confusing
Bae - urgh, Y/N-oppa and oppa. There, easier?
Brother - easier
Y/N - yep
Bae - okay, can I get a cup of tea?
Brother - yeah sure
I immediately stepped closer to him, placing a hand on his shoulder where he turned to me, lifting an eyebrow
Y/N - I'll do it
Brother - you sure? You know she likes honey in her tea
Y/N - I know, been here a lot to know
Brother - oh, tell me more
Y/N - sure
He turned back to her, ruffling her hair where we both turned towards the kitchen, responding back to her while we walked over
Brother - I'm gonna join him making the tea alright?
Bae - fine,stealing my brother already oppa
Y/N - it's fine, relax
Brother - close your eyes would you?
Going into the kitchen, my hand immediately grabbed a pot and filled it up with water where we looked at each other, going back to speaking English to each other as he crossed his arms and rested his back against the counter.
Brother - I hate that they don't have kettles here
Putting the pot on the stove, turning the gas on where I joined him in the same position where we waited for the water to boil
Y/N - I know, I had to buy one online to get one
Brother - tell me about it, I hate having to make my own coffee manually especially when I'm late to work
Y/N - fuck, yeah. But the joys of instant coffee
Brother - yeah, you got siblings?
Y/N - what's with the question?
Brother - from the way you and Jinsol are like, I would've assumed you got siblings
Y/N - yeah I do. Three sisters, one older and two younger
Brother - huh, big family
Y/N - I'm adopted
Brother - oh.
Y/N - Half-American as well like you
Brother - well didn't expect another Korean-American so close by
Y/N - well that's the surprise of life ain't it?
Brother - really is. I've got Jinsol and my older sister
Y/N - you're her half brother right? Jinsol's?
Brother - yup, she told you didn't she?
Y/N - yeah, it's cool though. I don't know if I got any siblings I'm related to
Brother - hey, cheer up when you get the time. Go take one of those heritage tests or something
Y/N - one day, but I've got a kid of my own so that'll settle for the time being
Brother - huh really? Son? Daughter?
Y/N - daughter, six years old
Brother - in Korean age or?
Y/N - sorry, five years old for you guys
Brother - ah right. That's cool man, I've been thinking about kids for a while
Y/N - oh really? How come?
Brother - she probably gave you the rundown didn't she?
Y/N - yeah, Bae Suzy? *whistles* lucky bastard aren't you?
He laughed proudly, the both of us respecting each other from the way we looked at each other with a glint in our eyes
Brother - yeah, I'm the luckiest guy in the world and on top of all of that. I'm in four other relationships with Kiss Of Life who I didn't even know were a thing before coming here
Y/N - you not into kpop either?
Brother - oh no, I'm more of a casual guy. Listening to rock and stuff
Y/N - no shit, favourite band?
Brother - that's the thing, too many to name
Y/N - I'm with you, you into Alt rock or grunge even?
Brother - both
Y/N - hell yeah man
Fist-bumping each other, noticing that the water was boiling. I got to reaching into the box full of tea bags, taking one out and placing it into the pot
Y/N - but how come are you thinking of kids anyways? S- shit- I mea-
Brother - no I get you- well. I've been in a relationship with the girls for a while, Suzy is a lot longer than those four. And- I love her you know? And she's getting older and she wants to have a kid of her own and it scares me a bit. Having a kid of mine is a lot of work
Y/N - yeah, honestly man to man. It was scary as fuck for me at first but- my daughter means the world to me and I'd do everything and anything and I mean anything for her. She just, gave me hope in a life where I was lost.
Brother - shit. Really?
Y/N - I had her at nineteen years old, nineteen. Fuck I was just out of high school too. But- seeing her in my arms when she was just born. Those tiny fingers that just you could eat up, the moment she opened her eyes. I- I just- I never felt any more happiness in my life.
He looked down, putting his finger to his chin for a moment to think before looking up to me.
Brother - man. When you put it that way. It's nice to hear
Y/N - yeah. It really isn't that bad, maybe when she's older it will. You know, teens and all
Brother - heh, yeah.
Y/N - but- I'd lay my life down for her, to protect her and to love her despite anything.
Brother - you know, that's really comforting.
He reached his arm towards me, his hand laying on my shoulder. Gently patting it before giving me a proud smile, one maybe towards me because of how I felt towards Jinae.
Maybe one that spoke levels to him despite not knowing anything about him at all.
â--------
*later that night*
Coming into my home, it's gotten dark.
The moon masked behind dark clouds of void that seemed to encapsulate around the whole country, an almost brooding feeling washing over all of us.
Sighing and taking my shoes off quietly as a mouse, placing them into the shoe rack before putting on my slippers.
It's quiet, weirdly quiet.
But in the slight almost audible sounds coming from the living room, it caught my attention when I walked over there to see Soo-Young-noona crying?
Seulgi sat beside her, hugging her tightly which confused me immensely
Y/N - I'm home?
They both turned to me, Soo-Young-noona's face puffed up from the tears she was shedding, Seulgi's face unresponsive as Soo-Young-noona got up suddenly walking over to me
Joy - where were you?!?
She shouted quietly at me, I haven't seen her like this ever. And it's really just confusing me right now.
Y/N - I- I was at the NMIXX dorm?
Joy - Why didn't you pick up your phone?!?
Speechless, in the corner of my eye. Seulg laid her head down, listening in to the both of us.
I feel,
Weird about this.
Y/N - i- it was on s- silent. I'm sorry
Joy - y- you fucking idiot!
I was a mumbling mess out of confusion, her hand lifted up towards me making me flinch a bit thinking she was gonna slap me because of the way she was talking towards me.
Did I do something wrong?
But instead, she wrapped her arms around me. Pulling me in so fast that it just, I don't know.
Tightly embracing me where she just suddenly sobbed out of nowhere, feeling her tears run into my jacket. My hands wrapped around her, hugging her back but still confused on what was happening
Y/N - wh- what's happening? Are you okay? Seulg?
She still hasn't said anything,
At this point. My blood ran a bit cold, a panic ensuing inside of me
Y/N - where's Jinae?!?
Seulgi - she's fine Y/N- asleep in her room
Y/N - oh.
But that panic settled, knowing that Jinae was okay but what was this about?
Joy - d- dad-
Y/N - dad?
Joy - h- he-
Y/N - he?
Joy - he- he's gone-
Y/N - w- what? What do you mean he's gone? Is he okay?
Still confused and stricken by this atmosphere, I lifted an eyebrow while still holding her. A sudden feeling in my stomach churned me from the inside from what she had said.
Maybe-
From I'm thinking right now, I- I fear it's for the worst and I just-
Want to deny reality.
Seulgi - your father passed away earlier Y/N.
She finally looked up, a sorrowful look in her eyes. Eyes that spoke of a woman that had to comfort Soo-Young-noona, to comfort her in this time.
Y/N - w- what?
Joy - Y/N........
Listening to her voice break, sobs increasing in volume where she couldn't even talk anymore. My head almost hurt from hearing it.
I just-
But he was just fine. H- he texted me yesterday-
I-
Y/N - p- passed away? B- But I- I- I just texted- I-
Seulgi - Y/N.
She stood up, wiping away hidden tears left behind by the darkness where I almost felt jelly in my legs.
The undeniable feeling I was feeling was just- overwhelming.
Anger, hatred, love, resentment, nostalgia just washed over me while my head flashed through memories of him in the moment.
Y/N - I-
Seulgi - Y/N.... I'm- I'm so sorry.
Slowly walking towards me, she stood beside me, wrapping her arms around my neck. But I immediately lost it.
My tears formed slowly but quickly turned into a landslide down my face, still trying to deny it.
The man who taught me how to ride a bike, how to shave.
How to fight back against the bullies, the man who taught me left and right about life's most precious things.
Even when I hated him the most, he still loved me and even if I didn't want to admit it.
I still loved him as my father.
The same one I used to hug into his arms, the faint smell of cologne that smells like smoked oak mixed in with Marlboro reds.
The same one who told me that he never hated me for having Jinae.
That he was proud of me for being the man who I was now.
And now he's gone.
In the last text he sent me the other day during the late night, he told me
"Son, I know I haven't seen you in a long time but, can your old man see his grand-daughter one more time? I just want to give you and Jinae something if that's alright?"
And now.
I regret it the most.
Denying him what he used to see me like.
Just a man wanting to see their child.