Wet earth,
The rain pouring on my skin through the cracks of my pores,my lips almost dried up like a well.
My eyes burned from the amount of times I laid to rest to the memories I've kept inside.
It didn't hurt, when I saw him there.
Right in front of me, surrounded by my family.
Staring at him, positioned like he had just gone to bed after scolding me and Minji for being too loud from arguing.
But he didn't move nor talk.
His eyes didn't even flutter open or twitch like he used to in his sleep.
I couldn't tell how much I regretted who we were to each other before this.
How much anger, frustration I had for him but in the end,
He was just trying to understand the mentality of his only son.
How much he just wanted to see us together again despite our differences.
To see Jinae and hold her up in his arms like he used to for all of us, to throw us up in the sky like we were touching clouds like we were superheroes.
And in a way, my father was a hero to me too.
Despite everything, even before Soo-Young-noona even became a trainee, we lived peacefully.
A normal childhood of scratched knees, hiding in the bushes, kicking around a football.
The amount of times he would shout at me for messing up simple addition questions for my maths homework.
Holding up the flashlight when he used to work on his old 69' hardtop mustang.
He would turn to me and tell me how much he wanted this when he was a teen in a time where he would live paycheck to paycheck with his parents.
Telling me this was his first love which always annoyed mom, seeing his joking face and laughing with him.
And now.
It was gone.
All gone.
â----
I stood in front of his casket, a gentle hand laid on my shoulder making me turn towards the person of interest, wiping my nose from the sniffle.
In front of me was my mother I haven't seen in a while, her motherly hands wrapped around my neck. Clutching her close to me and embracing her tight, my head laid on her shoulder. Tucking my face in to almost sob like a child.
Mom - you look great honey
Y/N - eomma.
Her hands caressed the top of my head, it was the first time I had seen her.
I couldn't make it when they were reading out the will with Soo-young-noona and Minji and Ji-yeong.
I was tucked away in my bedroom, lost in my head thinking about the concept of life.
About how much it scared me, how much it took away from me.
What I was given was his mustang and yet, I still haven't been home to pick it up yet.
From what Ji-yeong told me, he left a note in the glovebox for me. He hasn't ridden it since I left home and that just-
Why?
Why dad?
Why would you betray something that you love because of me?
I'll just pick it up after the service.
Pulling away from mom, her hand had made its way towards my cheek, caressing it gently. Her thumb softly felt my rough skin, a grieving and loving look in her eyes.
Mom - you look so skinny....
Y/N - I know.....
Mom - how about you come back home after....?
Nodding slowly, her arms wrapped around my neck once more. My cheek instead laid on her shoulder, staring at Minji.
Who joined in as well, with the rest of the family following through in each other's embrace.
â----------
It didn't ache nor hurt when I held his casket on my shoulder.
To be his pallbearer while the rain poured.
Laying him down on the earth before watching it lower down. My hand wrapped around Soo-young's hand while we listened to the priest.
And just like that,
It flashed by me.
Where the weather hadn't moved an inch.
My head lost in the clouds before feeling a tug on my finger.
All I had done was stare at his gravestone and for how long?
I can't remember.
Turning my neck around to look down, seeing Jinae frowning a bit
Jinae - papa?
My heart suddenly warmed up again, squatting down onto the grass and picking her up in my arms, glancing beyond her seeing that the rest of the family was waiting on me
Y/N - sorry muffin. Papa got a little lost
Jinae - you were staring at halabeoji for a while, is he okay?
Y/N - he's okay muffin, he's just resting that's all
Jinae is still took young to understand this, even after burying him. She's still concerned for him, and that's okay.
Kissing her on her forehead, my head still a bit low. For a moment, I faced him, giving him a nod
Y/N - see you around, dad.
Before turning away and walking over back to them
Mom - are you okay honey?
Y/N - yeah mom, just- still can't believe it
Mom - I know sweetie, but he's in a better place now
Joy - yeah.
Minji - appa's probably having a blast
All of us softly chuckled, the six of us walked over to the family car on the other side of the graveyard, avoiding passing cars and shielding our heads from the rain.
Y/N - Ji-Yeong-ah, take Jinae
Ji - ah yeah.
Holding Jinae up and giving her to Ji-Yeong so I could drive the car, I opened the backdoor for them, letting them in first before closing and opening the driver's seat where mom joined in as my passenger
Mom - let's go home alright?
Y/N - already on it mom
Exasperating a sigh putting on my seatbelt, I just didn't want to talk a lot right now so I let my actions speak for me, the key in the ignition and checking the mirrors before getting out of the spot.
On the way home, it was just quiet except for Jinae who we can't just be angry with especially with her curiosity.
I abided letting the girls answer for her, my thoughts still lost in place like they were dancing like flames.
By the time we got back to the family home, the sky had become enclosed in darkness. The clouds hiding behind the stars, the moon in a half lunar phase.
Parking the car in the driveway, my hand gripped the steering wheel, staring out into the garage door where dad's mustang sat.
Mom - are you gonna come out?
Y/N - in a bit mom.
Minji - oppa, hey. Are you sure you're okay?
Y/N - yeah. Yeah I am.
Lying through my teeth looking back at her, giving me a faint smile in return before the four of them left the car leaving me alone while I watched them enter the house.
Y/N - I can't do this.
Sinking my forehead into the steering wheel, a tear ran down my cheek. Quickly wiping it off before tensing my face together.
Lifting my head up and down and hitting my head against the hard rubber over and over again before stopping momentarily. Taking off my seatbelt and the key from the ignition.
Stepping out of the car and closing the door, my hand reached into my jacket pocket. Taking out my pack of cigs and zippo, grabbing one stick and placing it in between my lips and lighting it up before placing my zippo back in my pocket.
My back laid against the car door, staring out into the sky.
Y/N - well dad. I'm smoking this one for you.
Blowing out some smoke, a smirk on my face before my expression frowning once more.
Y/N - I'm sorry I didn't let you see Jinae. I'm sorry for everything. I- I-
It went blurry, had I known it again. My eyes welled up once more, letting my tears drop to the ground.
Buckling my knees down and squatting, facing away from the house to wipe them away still blowing smoke out.
Y/N - y- you- goddamn it-
Joy - hey, hey. Come here.
When did she even see me?
I didn't even hear her come out of the house.
My cig fell out of my mouth, letting it drop onto the ground.
Like a child, I immediately hugged her around her neck, crying onto her chest.
Joy - it- it's okay. It's okay.
Y/N - I- I'm sor- sorry-
Joy - it- it's okay.
Y/N - I mi- miss him-
Joy - me too.
â--------
*later that night*
a cold wind blew into my face, the windows were down.
Purring quietly, the engine was heard from inside of the car.
Jinae sat beside me asleep against the window, once in a while caressing her hair just to comfort both her and myself.
We had dinner about a while ago,
Just talking about dad and stuff.
About how much he was a bit of an asshole but there was a reason for it.
How much he really cared for me since our fight and our connection strained.
He might have not been my real father but he was still my dad.
The one who was there for me since they adopted me as a baby.
The same man who taught me about heartbreak and about how he charmed mom back in their high-school days.
It's sweet knowing that me and Jimin shared a similarity to them.
But now,
Mom's all alone.
I don't know how she's feeling.
We lost our dad,
But she lost her husband. Her love.
Minji's spending the night with her from what I know, Ji-Yeong has work in the morning but I couldn't stay over since I have work the next morning.
I'll make it up to her and visit her soon enough.
We arrived home in front of the apartment building.
I'll wake up Jinae in a second.
Looking around in the car, it still smells like him and WD40.
I remember working on this car with him,
And it only feels like yesterday to me.
Maybe it's because I miss him,
A lot.
Taking the key out of the ignition, having parked in front of my car. Sighing deeply before taking off my seatbelt and stepping out of the car, going over to the passenger side.
Gently opening it and whispering to Jinae while I unbuckled her seatbelt and carried her in my arms, bumping my hip into the door, closing and locking it in the meantime.
Y/N - muffin, we're home. Just wait a little longer okay? I'll change you out of your clothes
Jinae - mmmhmm~~
Playfully chuckling from her low response, almost half asleep in my arms where she turned a bit. My hand laid on her back, holding her while going up the steps and into the hallway where I stopped in front of the door, opening it with the key and walking inside.
Closing it, I could hear the TV faintly playing.
Who's home?
Y/N - hello?
Speaking into the dimly lit home of mine, two voices came back to me
Hae - Y/N?
Seulgi - Y/N?
Y/N - oh. Hey.... guys...
Going into the living room, where they sat on the couch but immediately stood up, Seulg took Jinae from me where I kissed them both. My hands on my tie and untightening it
Hae - hey.
Y/N - hey
Seulgi - I'm gonna change Jinae out of her clothes alright?
Y/N - yeah go on
Haewon's hand caressed my cheek, my gaze avoiding her eyes as I threw my tie onto the couch.
Hae - hey. How'd it go?
Y/N - it- it was fine.
Hae - how's your mom?
Y/N - she's fine, I- I was given Dad's mustang
Hae - hm?
Y/N - in his will, he gave me h- his mustang he used to drive
Hae - that's nice.
Y/N - it's outside, I'll show it to you tomorrow
Hae - mmhm
Humming to me, she tried pulling my chin up where I kept avoiding her eyes
Hae - have you eaten?
Y/N - yeah.....
Hae - Y/N, Aein. Are you okay?
Y/N - yeah. I am.
Hae - you know me and Seulgi are here for you right?
Y/N - I know.
My hands gripped my shirt, unbuttoning it and throwing it on the couch before turning my head and grabbing the shirt and tie, going to my bedroom.
Putting them into the hamper and walking to my dresser, opening it and picking out a fresh pair of pyjama pants and aggressively taking off my shoes and throwing them to the side.
Taking off my suit pants and throwing them into the hamper as well, I sat down onto the bed putting on the pyjama pants with no fire left in me.
I felt tired.
More tired than I ever have been.
My head turned to the sound of the door creaking open, seeing Seulg and Haewon come in
Seulgi - hey.....
Y/N - bear. Hey.
Seulgi - you going to bed already?
Y/N - I'm tired. Sorry guys.
Hae - it's fine. We're going to bed too.
Y/N - alright.
Crawling into bed in the middle where Haewon usually slept on my left and Seulg on the right, the both of them had their arms on my chest where I looked to the ceiling.
Seulgi - are you sure you're okay?
Y/N - yeah, why would I not be?
Hae - you're just- never like this.
Y/N - I- I just- well-
Feeling hesitant in my voice, I just began to break down.
Uncontrollably tearing up while wiping my nose, trying to hide my face from them
Y/N - I- *sniff*
Hae - Yeobo....
Seulgi - baby....
The two of them had suddenly wrapped themselves around, feeling their hands caress my arm.
Feeling their bodies press against me while I let it out.
I could never be more grateful for the both of them,
I just wish one day they wouldn't have to bury family ever but then again.
You can't go against the stroke of time,
Not even having to beg to go against it.
Knowing at the end of all of it.
What awaits for you is a whole entire different meaning,
Maybe one that'll provide comfort in the spot you've left behind.