Holding my head down, my hands in praying position.
I was having an awful time.
Y/N - for the dear love of god, please render.
I've been staring at my monitor for about ten minutes now.
Now usually, it wouldn't take long to render but every once in a while, the software would decide to be a bitch and decide to take longer than it should. Hence, here I am.
Almost begging on my knees at this point, it's Eleven PM and I have a daughter to go back home to.
Sighing to myself, it was clear that it's either I'm going to be here writhing in mental pain over this.
Y/N - fucking...... should've just took up what SM's original offer. Why do I do this to myself?
Mumbling to myself, my back against laid the chair. Hearing it squeak as I loudly trilled my lips.
Putting my arms around the back of my head, the brightness of the monitor almost blinded me.
It was quite dark in the room except for the usual lamp in the corner of the room that I have on every night.
Y/N - hm.
Now that I'm thinking about it,
I didn't do jackshit for the rest of the break.
Just had Haewon come over as usual, some visits from the noonas here and there but. All and all, me and Jinae just hung out in the living room or went out or I'd help her with homework or read her a book, stuff like that.
Wait, what book did I even read to Jinae?
I like to fall asleep reading to her if I recall.
Was that before or after me and Haewon were out getting groceries?
Wait no, I dropped her home since she had a Workdol shoot in the morning.
That's right, yeah.
Wait a second,
Sitting back up straight, noticing that the render window was gone.
Y/N - holy shit
Sliding into my desk, my hands laid on the desk. Left on my keyboard and right on my mouse, checking the folder where I keep all of the completed renders.
Y/N - Haewon.... Jiwoo... AH!
Looking exactly at the file name, I was editing a full group video with them and luckily, I date the video names everytime, but the other guys who upload the video onto Youtube rename them but it's good to keep track you know.
Chuckling to myself since I'm practically finished, quickly emailing the file to the social media team and if they got any complaints about whatever, they can get the finger because I'm tired and hungry.
Y/N - ah I'm done!
Stretching my arms out, yawning while groaning as I stretched. I got up from my chair and put everything away in my satchel.
Y/N - hmhmhmhm~~
Turning off the lamp and everything else connected to a cable, it wasn't really needed since JYP is always on most of the night but It'll be easier on the janitors.
Walking out the door, my face had a bit of a slight smile.
The thought of coming home to my family.
More sweeter than I could think.
Whistling down the halls, my shoulders a bit hunched from being in the chair the entire time.
My stomach grumbled a bit but ignored it since I'll just go to bed and then eat in the morning. I don't want indigestion if I eat right now.
Walking through the dim halls of our department, saying goodnight to the staff who were still around.
Taking my phone out going down the stairwell, tapping onto my contact list and looking for the person to call.
Calling them up, the phone up to my ear, listening to it ring.
Hae - yeoboseyo?
Y/N - Haewon-ah
Hae - oppa, hi
Her sweet voice echoing through my ear, a desirable feeling filling my heart.
Y/N - I just finished, did you wait long for me?
Hae - ani, wasn't long. I'll always wait for you
Y/N - thanks
Putting my hand on the back of my head, gently caressing my hair.
Hae - I just put Jinae to bed, you up for anything tonight?
Y/N - I'm sort of bit more tired than usual, I don't know but we'll see
Hae - ah, do you have a headache or anything?
Y/N - just drowsy and a bit light headed, nothing out of the ordinary I think
Hae - be careful on the way home okay?
Y/N - I will.
Hae - oppa?
Y/N - yeah?
Hae - I- I-
Y/N - hm?
Hae - ani. Nevermind, it's okay. I'll tell you when you get home.
Y/N - alright, see you in a bit.
Hanging up the phone, I had already made it into the garage, greeting Ji-woo a good evening and went into my car.
Coming out of the garage, my mind had struck upon one thing in my head. Hand over my hair as I sighed at the sight of an almost empty road with only a few cars flashing by during this late night.
Just an understanding of what I want for myself.
It's been a long road ever since she left me and Jinae. I think about it a lot still but it doesn't matter that I miss her at all.
We were young and that keeps coming back to haunt me to make such a mistake because of our inner juvenile feelings that we had for each other.
Some days I wish she had stayed because Jinae needed a mother.
Everyone needs one, much as they need a father.
It hurts me that the decision she had made was something to preserve herself and again, I wouldn't blame her.
It just still haunts me till this day.
A ticking time bomb that I don't know how to defuse all by myself.
Proven over and over again that I'm unaware of what I want or what I desire.
I've done so much these past few years taking care and loving my own flesh and blood, I haven't remembered the last time I really took time to myself.
Last year could be one that could be eligible for that time but so full of hatred and anger over the looming thought and constant reminder of that hell I built for myself.
A perfect prison encapsulated in my own mind as punishment for not being the perfect father.
The perfect son.
A perfect person, someone Jinae can look up to.
I can't be that.
I really can't.
In honesty, a letter to myself really.
Condemning a thousand acres of reality in a world that only I can see forward.
But never back.
Lacking emotions of unexpected certainty,
Who am I to enact what I want when my biggest enemy isn't the world,
But rather myself.
If I were to leave this place, someone pure of innocence can take up upon my position but yet she'll think.
"Why did he leave?"
Because of my uncertainty to endure the hardest parts of corners of my own frugality of living.
â-----------
Walking up the stairs, my shoulders hunched over a bit and my breathing staggered.
Making it to the floor and feet dragging against the ground.
The weight of my satchel pulling me down.
I had my key ready in hand, slowly walking over to the door.
The key slipped in and I turned it over, unlocking it.
Y/N - hm.
My demeanour had changed for the time being but after all, I am exhausted.
Listening to the door creak open, keeping it at a minimum as to not wake up Jinae.
Stepping inside and being met with an open tv, flashing the room with no so loud volume levels.
Masking my steps, closing the front door and locking it.
I headed over to the couch and stood behind her.
Looking down at her, my eyes gravelled from my eyebags weighing me down.
Y/N - Haewon-ah?
Turning her neck, she was a bit surprised, hearing a small yelp before waving at me.
Hae - oppa you're home
Y/N - I am.
Leaning down closer to her position, planting a kiss on her lips.
Still the same as ever since our first time of affection before breaking off as I ruffled her hair.
Hae - don't do that come on, I told you not to
Y/N - miahne, habit.
Coming around to the side, sitting down beside her.
Groaning while I felt her head sat down on my shoulder.
Hae - you seem out of it. Are you okay?
Y/N - not really.
Her eyes looked at mine, widening in a bit of curiosity behind it.
Hae - what's wrong?
Putting her leg over the other, her hand resting on top of mine.
In contrast to her warm soft hand to my cold, almost lifeless hand.
Y/N - Haewon-ah.
Hae - what?
Y/N - I'm just unsure.
Hae - unsure of what?
Scratching the back of my head with my other free hand. Sighing and unsure about whether or not to tell her.
Y/N - us.
Her eyes dropped, as if I broke her spirit.
In the best of terms, I'll work my way around to what I really want to say.
Hae - w- wae?
Y/N - I mean- I'm tired but- I just don't know what we are.
Hae - oh.
A light in her eye ignited, realising that I meant no harm towards my words.
Hae - what do you want us to be?
Y/N - do you mind if I just, go on?
Hae - go ahead.
Y/N - I've spent too long by myself and I don't mean like, physically. I have Jinae but, for too long without reason. Jinae keeps me going but at one point, I just feel like I'm going to snap. Break.
Carefully listening to me, I forgot I had my satchel on so I quickly took it off of me.
Y/N - I was surprised when we did it, you and me that night. You know.
Hae - yeah.
Y/N - I just don't want to toy you around. Keep you here because you have the duty of being Jinae's mother but not- actual you know.
Hae - ow.
Y/N - basically speaking Haewon-ah, I know I'm beating around the bush but. There's the part of me that wants you. But at the same time. I'm scared.
Hae - of being with me?
Y/N - no that I'll croak over and run away. I- I want to love you.
Basking in her eyes, my heart was unsure on how to feel but the more and more I dig deeper into that pool of desire, maybe it was much more bigger than that.
Hae - o- oppa.
Y/N - I just- don't know what I want. But I'm afraid. I'm scared shitless and there's a part of me that I hate so much that I'd end up in a place I don't want to be. But I want to love you not because I need you for Jinae, but for the first time in a long time. Every time I look at you, a strange feeling takes over and I think it's something more than just selfishness
Hae - w- what is it?
Y/N - to be there for someone that I know I can trust myself to be with. I'm scared that I'll hurt you because of this. I'm scared that I'll hurt myself because of it. I'm still so unsure if I can manage to love and care for someone else so much as I do for Jinae.
She was silent, trying to understand the words that came out of my mouth.
Y/N - you've done so much for me that I never repaid you. Even as far as to say that I'm horrible.
Racing in my head, my want for someone felt different this time around. Moreso, I could see myself in them.
Y/N - I don't want to feel like a burden to you. And some nights since then, I wanted to be more of someone that can help you or what you need me to be. I'm confusing myself but maybe it's just that, scary feeling that I'm in love- with you.
Nodding my head, quickly wiping my nose as I sniffled.
Y/N - you can say no. and that's fine. Maybe I just made a mistake telling you this or it's too early. Or if it's too late after all.
Hae - ani.
Her head lifted off of mine, bringing it up to my face.
Cupping it and feeling her warm hand against my cheek.
Hae - I- I want to love you as well. I'm scared too, trying to understand what I want, what you want. For us, y- you never made a mistake of choosing to try what you want. It wasn't your fault that you became the way you are. It wasn't for any reason that you hate a part of yourself for thinking that you are a burden to me, you aren't.
My expression saddened, a slight frown upon my face.
Hae - you're everything more than I needed. Someone to laugh with, someone to cry on. That I can trust. We aren't the most perfect of people of any kind. We are who we are, and I'd fight for you so you can know that, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself because you're scared of what everyone wants.
Y/N - could I ever feel more than I wanted?
Hae - you can. My nights are filled with you. My dreams even, thinking about what we are. And some nights, I would give up about them. But, you've shown yourself to me and being vulnerable is okay. You're tired and I'm tired too of chasing after it. I- I wanted to say to you for so long, even earlier that- I love you. That I love you because I want to be with you. As a friend, as someone you can trust. Someone you can hold and kiss, someone who wouldn't break your heart a second time.
All my worries washed away from what she said. But inside of me, it had opened up a bit more.
Ready to accept what I want.
My shoulders hunched over, my expression had softened and within the moment.
I could do what I had desired for.
My hand lifting itself towards her face,
Leaning into her where her hot breath was felt upon my lips before it finally met with it.
Our eyes closed engulfed and wrapped around each other, her arms around my body.
Every moment when we came up for breath, the intensity within our bodies became more hotter than it should've been.
But everyone has their breaking point eventually.
Through whispers and echoes in my head, all I could hear was just her and nothing but her.
"I love you"
All my strength had laid upon her.
Getting comfortable as she sat on my lap as I lifted her up.
For the brief moment while escorting the both of us to the bedroom, she had whispered in my ear.
Hae - what are we now?
Y/N - anything you want us to be.
Hae - my boyfriend?
Y/N - for now, we'll let time give us the blueprints after that phase into our future. Haewon-ah
Hae - oppa~
Listening to her faint giggle, I knew what I'm doing.
Closing the door behind with my feet,
All I could think of was,
There's no going back after this.