Chapter 123: Chapter 17: We are (finally) Adventurers!, Part 3

As it transpired, apprentice adventurers had to complete tasks every now and then, even if they had a fabulous and magnificent wandering master as their master. Successfully complete a task, that is – the accidents in the tavern meant, they weren’t successful there. This fine print in the adventurer’s book led Prof and the rest of the party – except Mini, she was a master, after all, and did not need to do menial tasks – to a slightly burned field outside of the city.

“This, my friends, is my newest invention!" Their employer, a Goblin alchemist showed a fuming Gremlin in their faces "I call it Rage-Propelled Gremlin, Version 7, or RPG-7 for short. The newest and most excellent battlefield weapon! With this, our glorious Gremliniers will have an even larger impact against those conceited, red-wearing Treesqueezers! Semi-smart, homing ammunition, with that extra Aaaargh! the normal Gremlins lacked!"

Prof was afraid to ask but did nevertheless.

“What does it do? How does it work?”

“You see, normal Gremlins are just thrown at the enemy to confuse them for the few seconds it takes them to kill the critters, but the RPG-7-series isn't so easy to kill off. After injecting them with this potion, they will go into a frenzy, home on the nearest enemy, and if they go to 0 HP, they explode. I even plan to equip them with some cheap mail for extra fragmentation effect. Or just give them a lot of nails. First, I planned the injection to be automatic by giving them collars. You just needed to pull a pin, count to three, and throw them. Unfortunately, they like to scratch themselves, and… well… we don't speak about that incident."

“Anyway, my revolutionary RPG-7-Series is the ultimate thrown battlefield weapon. Ehmmm… As soon as the testing is completed and the Army is willing to adopt the biology. I even plan on making a catapult-launched version! Pack a dozen pre-frenzied ones in a catapult, and launch them at the treesqueezers from outside bow range! I call the version Cluster Gremlins! If only I could build in a timer…"

“Anyways, testing. This is why you are here, no? Everyone, equip a Gremlin in your hand! Inject the potion! Count to three! Throw!”

What weapon testing for the armed forces had to do with adventuring, you ask? Probably as much as doing the Constabulary's job in hunting down criminals, the Forestry Service's by killing off dangerous animals, or some random peasant's by collecting herbs and stuff. Not much, that is. Theoretically, adventuring was all about robbing graves or finding lost archaeological sites and robbing those – but wasn't that doing the archaeologists' job?

Anyways, people were lazy, no matter if on Earth or Arkadia, and were willing to push hard, smelly, or dangerous work to other people to do it instead. The existence of adventurers – and on the other end of the spectrum, nobles – was due to this fact: outsourcing work to folks, who were dumb enough to risk their lives in the face of danger. They could wear posh clothes and adopt fancy language all they wanted.

The adventurers, not the nobles. The latter were the ones, who pushed work on dumber folks, the former were the dumber folks, who did the work. Strange, that both adopted fancy clothes and language…

While throwing the first Gremlin against popped-up pieces of armor, Prof debated, why the Guild didn't have a rule for maximum Intelligence to join. Why would intelligent people voluntarily join an organization, that made them expendable fodder? Well, he had an Intelligence of 18 and still joined.

The problem with the Gremlins became clear when the first pair landed between the mannequins. RPG-7s were semi-smart and homing. They were smart enough to know, the strawmen weren’t real, and they homed on the nearest enemy – the party. Prof also realized, why expendable fodder carried the testing out instead of highly trained (and thus expensive) military personnel. If the newest secret weapon “unexpectedly” malfunctioned, it was easier – and cheaper – to replace fodder.

Well, the frenzied Gremlins didn't exactly malfunction, they did exactly as they should: home on the nearest enemy, claw, bite, stab, and finally explode. The slight problem was, they did it in a friendly-fire way. Or was it a friendly-gremlin way? Earth language can't convey minute nuances of an alien planet and alien cultures…

Be as it may, Prof (and Bianca, since Sharpclaw was too weak to throw Gremlins to any meaningful distance and thus was excluded from the testing) was prepared for a tough fight. Not because the semi-smart ammo had so much HP, but because he knew, Gremlins were fast and agile. And probably had a high [Evade]. Poor Bianca was probably in an even worse situation, she had to discard her shield to launch her RPG-7.

However, it was easier, than expected. Due to them being frenzied, the Gremlins did not evade but ran straight for their targets and jumped with a blood-curdling screech at the last second. Prof's hit launched the Gremlin backward, far enough, that the following explosion just covered him with blood and gore. Bianca received a few bruises but was otherwise uninjured.

“Excellent, excellent!” The alchemist finished his notes “We have to be sure, there is an enemy, or the ammo will attack friendlies. That was to be expected. Hmmm… We indeed need nails or something, the blast radius is too small… The screech… hmmm… What do you think?”

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

“With only two, it wasn’t that bad. I think, if there were more, you would get an interesting psychological effect.” Prof answered

“Barely tolerable. If you could make it shriller, maybe even seasoned mercenaries would be unnerved.” Bianca added.

“Good, Good. Next test! You! Stand over there, and you, throw an RPG-7 at her! You may take your shield too."

Selecting Bianca for a live target was probably because she was a “wall”, as people were called, who stood firm and soaked up damage. Prof at first called them tanks, but no one understood, why he called Bianca a vessel to store fluids and gasses. Well, Mini got a laughing fit, saying, Humans were just that.

Bianca was mostly able to deflect the flying projectile with her shield and even managed to kill a few with precise strikes. She quickly learned, however, that doing so wasn't the best idea. Killing the Gremlins while airborne meant, she wasn't protected from the blast by her shield, but if she deflected them first, and killed them only when they were on the ground, the shield did its job just fine.

After almost two dozen Gremlins, she was covered from head to toe in their remains, and was panting heavily – no wonder, Prof had to throw living projectiles at her as fast as he could. There were times when three Gremlins were in the air.

“Being a mercenary is less bloody and less tiring.” Bianca confessed “And I participated in a few battles! Why are we doing this exactly?”

“Because we have to be adventurers to be allowed into dungeons, so we can make money.”

“Who told you this nonsense?” the alchemist asked

“Our exalted and horny Master.”

“She was wrong. Everyone knows, you just have to notify the Adventurer's Guild if you want to enter a dungeon. They will just check your Character Parchment if you are excellent enough for the dungeon you want to conquer. Save for some idiotic teenagers, who want to go to higher leveled dungeons, almost no one is turned away. You only have to sell the loot at the guild."

Who would have thought, that the Responsible and Detail-Obsessed Minerva Pannonnii would get some facts wrong? Just so she could assume her persona of wandering master, and bask in the admiration of others?

“Also, you managed to sell some of the gems! We are rich! We even have a house!”

“Well, Wolfgang has a house, we only have a few marks saved. That’s not exactly much! We still have to buy horses, and a wagon, and food, and booze, and, and, and stuff! And tents!”

“Yeah, sure. Are we done yet?”

“No. It’s time for the next phase. Please exchange places. We will see now, how someone without a shield fares against my invention!”

Bianca grinned sadistically, as she prepared the first Gremlin.

“Have fun!”

Prof definitely did not have fun in the next few minutes. He already knew from Bianca's example, that hitting flying missiles wasn't going to work out well, but without a shield, he had to be careful even with the ground-hugging ones. The only idea he came up with was to evade the incoming menace, and then kick or punt them away. It more or less worked. Of course, he had to kick the Gremlins at least two times to deplete their HP, and that took time – not too long after the testing began, he was surrounded by almost ten frenzied, shrieking, clawing, biting Gremlins.

Kicking them away didn’t work.

In order to not get overwhelmed completely, he had to start killing them in the fastest and most efficient way. And ride out the explosions. His [Acrobatics]-training finally came in handy. 59% wasn't much, but combined with his awesome [Evade], he was able to jump or roll away from most of the explosions. Still, in the end, he was down thirty HP and was still covered in blood, guts, and bruises.

The alchemist was deep in thought as Prof limped back to him. A bone fragment somehow found a way into his left boot.

“Ah, thank you for your assistance," the alchemist said finally "This test was more than enlightening! I have collected enough data to submit to the Army. I do think, they will adapt this new weaponry, and our glorious armed forces will be even more excellent. All of Ostwaldland should thank you! I certainly will send my recommendations to the Guild! Ah, yes, you can wash up over there."

Washing up at a well did not help much, they were just too caked in refuse. Their clothes and armor… They would need professional help with those. Luckily, both had enough sense to equip cheap clothing under their armor – throwing the cheap ones away if even a master washer could do nothing was more tolerable than losing more expensive ones. Their armor, though… Getting blood out of leather was easy, no?

“So, what now?” Bianca asked

“First, we find a bath, someone to wash our stuff, and then we will have a talk with Mini.”

“Do you really think, it would make any sense or difference?”

“No, no really. At least we could vent some frustration.”

“Again, do you think, it would change anything?”

“You are right. Let’s just forget this whole debacle and the whole adventurer thing. We joined only because of faulty intel in the first place.”

“I may be contradicting myself, but being an adventurer does have some use."

“What do you mean?”

“Ah, come on, Prof! You haven’t read the adventurer’s rulebook?”

In fact, Prof didn't even know, there was another rulebook. Was this one any better than the game rules, a certain incompetent clerk handed over to him as the ultimate rule set of Arkadia?

“You know, better prices at the guild shops, a bit of leeway with the guards, easier entrance to countries and towns, tax exemption…”

“Tax exemption?!?! I LOVE BEING AN ADVENTURER!”