Chapter 128: Chapter 18: That time, you were reincarnated and slimed, Part 2

At least it was a mage, something they were solely missing since… well, forever. And it was good. Very good in fact. As a Level 11, it had [Magic: Poison] and [Magic: Radiation] tagged and at 250%, [Magic: Emotions] at 150%, and [Magic: Geomancy] and [Magic: Fire] at 125% each. The other Skills were also well-rounded, even things, that were theoretically outside of a mage's usual skillset received more, than a splattering of Skill Points.

It was possible to roll a mage on Arkadia! Maybe Prof should have done so from the beginning, figuring out the intricacies of magic, unearthing long-lost mysteries, and becoming a truly formidable glass cannon. Ehm… Glass Trebuchet.

Naw!

Everyone knew mages weren't glass siege weapons early on, but just squishy glass! To get rid of the squishiness, he would have to invest heavily into [Heavy Armor] and into heavy armor. With the prices of those pieces… No wonder, no mage could afford them!

“Finally a mage!” Prof exclaimed, after finishing with “Cat’s” parchment. Giving extra care to suspicious Skills “Now we can blast enemies from a distance!”

“Dear, intrepid and fearless adventurer apprentice! This magicious and esoteric one isn’t a mage, but a witch, as the translucent and diaphanous clothing implies! And the hat.”

Prof really started to get fed up with the ridiculous and hilarious way, the esteemed and honored adventurers were speaking.

“What’s the difference?” that question earned him a pedagogical hit on the head from Mini. One HP gone…

“Did the apprentice adventurer grow up in a minacious and solitary cave? Or was he hit on the head?"

“Yeah, I was hit on the head right now. And no, I haven’t met that many magic users till now.” Not counting a traitorous and treacherous Special Agent and that other guy from Willowflower. What was his name? Small Deer? Whatever.

“I can teach him the essentials later, I’m his adventuring master, after all!” strangely, Mini was just jealous, and wasn’t trying to seduce or scandalize their newest friend. Oh yeah, Dwarves did not have genders, that’s the reason! Probably.

“Cat" gave a curious look to the most astute and skilled adventuring party there ever was, but shrugged in the end. They had Slimes to kill, not figuring out the mental challenges others faced.

On the way to the infested zone – almost a day’s walk to the West, but the Guild provided transport for the pedestrians, so the voyage took… almost one day, but was more comfortable – Mini finally explained the differences between the distinct schools of magic.

“See, there are wizards, mages, sorcerers, witches, and warlocks. They are different in different ways.” Surprisingly, Mini wasn’t exactly a good teacher.

“And war mages, shamans, druids, and hexers too." Bianca helpfully added

“Sssspirittalkersss. Ssssagesss.” even Sharpclaw added his two iron bits

“And all those differ from each other in…?”

“Different ways.”

“Very different ways.”

“Wayssss.”

“But what are those ways?”

“Mostly clothing. And the sizes and shapes of their magic rods." Mini finally cleared up the mystery "Witches wear pointy hats, mages flat ones, warlocks wear all black, and sorcerers dress extra fancily."

“This one feels an excessive and throbbing ache of the head approaching, just by listening to you. Were you hit on the head too?" "Cat" decided to enter the discussion.

“No, it's just Prof. He is contagious. You hang around long enough, you will see him saving damsels in distress – not, that he does anything with them afterward – and you will feel an overwhelming urge to participate in idiotic banter." Mini reassured it.

“HEY!”

“Why, it is true!” Bianca came to their party leader’s help “I have known you for what, a bit more, than a month, and how many ridiculous situations have you dragged me into already?”

“Not that many…”

“Yeah, only the Hags, and the concert!”

“Tesssting Gremlinsss. Kitchen disssassster. Sssslimessss.”

“Well, thank you, Sharpclaw. The banter is only an outlet for surviving everything you dragged us into!”

“Now I’m sad.”

“Don't be, cutie! You are still funny, and we still like you! All those funny, exciting, and awesome adventures that are just happening near you! I will never leave you!" Mini even blew a kiss to him.

“Esteemed and honored adventuring colleagues, I think, there is a saying for just a situation like this: Get a room, please."

“Congratulation, ehmmm… Miss? Cat. You contracted Idiotic Banter from Prof! We are always this way. No, Miss Minerva is even worse alone. But we don’t talk about that. What happens with Miss Minerva, stays with Miss Minerva.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“There is no Perk like Idiotic Banter!” Prof protested.

“Sure it is. Check on page 141 in Supplemental Rules on Perks!”

“Fine, I will check it later. But that is just a rulebook for a simulation game, not the real rules for Arkadia. Aaand, I definitely don’t have that Perk! Hah!”

“It’s a hidden Perk, like the speculated legendary Utter Moron.”

“But… Hey, wait a minute! It has to be Mini! I was completely fine before she showed up! The banter started after we picked her up!"

“No, Prof, there isn’t a Perk, Idiotic Banter! It’s all my sunny, shining personality! Do you claim, I’m less than perfect, and contracted Idiotic Banter somewhere? A Perk, that does not exist, by the way?"

“When you say idiotic banter, it does sound like Idiotic Banter…”

“Please stop! My head hurts!”

At least "Cat" finished talking in Adventurerian. Prof started to suspect, there was a Skill [Subculture: Adventurers]; differentiating between all those archetypes for clothing, talking in strange ways, and behaving strangely – there wasn't a chance, that idiot of Administrator hadn't made it into a Skill too. After checking with Mini, he found out, that indeed, there was such a Skill, and Mini had it on 71%. Scary to think, what a grandmaster in it could do and know…

“So, back to the differences. Cat, care to elaborate?"

“Well, it mostly comes down to philosophy. Witches, for example, try to see the beauty in everything and poison the rest. Mages are more academic, try to learn about secrets, and burn everyone else, sorcerers think, they are the pinnacle of creation and call lightning to the rest. The clothing worn signifies the differences in philosophy."

“See, I told you, it comes down to fancy clothes!”

“ANYWAYS… The different types prefer different schools of magic. Witches specialize in [Magic: Emotions], [Magic: Illusions], [Magic: Dream], [Magic: Healing] and [Magic: Poison]."

“But you have only two of those.”

“I’m a Deviant Dwarf. And a deviant witch. Got a problem with that?”

“No, of course not! Ehmmm… I can figure out most of your magical Skills from the name, but what does [Magic: Radiation] do?" Prof skilfully changed the topic. Well, he was interested in the answer to his question too – radiation magic in all its possible versions was a little bit inconsistent in his previous readings. It either was a brilliant light or…

“Oh, it is my pride and joy! It has to do with different kinds of invisible energy… rays. If they are strong enough, they can make things die in horrible ways, or mutate them very swiftly!”

… hard radiation. Hopefully, the Administrator haven’t read about glowing spiders biting photographers, or scientist being too close to ground zero.

“I once made a nice glowing spider! I kept it in a glass jar, it was very good for illumination! Unfortunately, it escaped in a painter’s gallery. Couldn’t find it. Hope, it is well.”

So much for that.

“Is that magic good against Slimes?”

“I don't know. Everyone agrees on fire is the best thing, and no one should use poison on them. It makes them just poisonous, but don't kill them."

“Well, let’s not experiment with [Magic: Radiation] on them, then.” Prof shuddered at the thought of a horde of radioactive, mutated slimes.

“Why not? It sounds like fun, and what could possibly go wrong? Hey, Cat, did someone experiment with that on Undead? It sounds like even more fun!”

“No! No one did experiments EVER on Undead with that kind of magic. The Glowing One incident is just a malicious fabrication of jealous mages, who specialize in darkness magic! Oh, look, a tree!"

It is a well-known fact, that if someone points something out, everyone will look at that thing out of reflex. It was done this time too. The tree in question was indeed a very nice specimen of an alder with wonderful yellow leaves. The background consisted of a few low hills, clad in green-, yellow-, brown- and blue-leaved trees, shrubs, and weeds. A Skilled painter could have made a famous (and thus, very valuable) painting out of it.

Prof regretted again, that he simply could not spare the Skill Points for [Art: Painting].

Oh, wait! Cat successfully changed the topic! And distracted everyone.

Cat was talking with them for only a few minutes, and already adopted to their habits, while forgetting all the adventurer lingo. Maybe Mini's idea with the contagious Perk wasn't far off. On the other hand, it was possible, that Cat thought that they were complete idiots, and lowered her standards to that sub-level. Like you do it with kids.

Anyways.

Arriving at the gathering point for the rapid reaction teams, Prof and his party had a pleasant surprise: Wolfgang and Mythrillhead were already there, and were providing background music. Of course, they were playing Mythrill. The adventurers took to Mythrill like debt to a Central European. Stuck and never to be removed.

Interestingly, a few adventurers wore wigs and were headbanging to the amazement of everyone else. It was a surreal experience: a female orc in an evening gown, and a male Goblin in a pseudo-baroque uniform was right next to a female Hob, wearing artfully torn skimpy clothes, and a male Orc cosplaying as a pirate, all four with long wigs headbanging right in front of Mythrillhead. All the while a whole cosplay-con was watching with rapt attention.

Adventurers were crazy – well, it was in the job description. No sane person would do the stuff they did for that money.

Prof was glad, he wasn’t responsible for the whole thing. Adventurer clothing was around for a long time, and Wolfgang found the new music absolutely on his own! Yes sir! In order to escape Bianca’s judgmental gaze, he quickly pointed out a random tree – this time it was a pine, growing in a weird way – and quickly made his way backstage.

He found himself a drink and started thinking. Why were all these things happening to him? It was almost like some bored asshole was finding new ways to throw him under the wagon time and again! He just wanted to enjoy his new life, get rich, and see the sights, not running all over Arkadia, fouling conspiracies, finding legendary lost treasures, and such! Well, finding lost treasure wasn't a bad thing, unfortunately, he had to pay taxes after the pieces he managed to hang onto. It was robbery!

Well, if he was in a trashy fiction, at least some people would have a good time, reading about his heroic exploits – but he was just in another reality, and no one would even find out, what he had done. It was probably better so…