Chapter 29: CHAPTER 27

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains graphic depictions of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Please proceed with caution.

Isang linggo na ang nakalipas mula nang mag-usap kami ni Mateo, at talagang ipinakikita niya na karapat-dapat siya sa second chance.

Ngayon, pupunta kami ni Mama sa presinto kung saan si Papa at si Kuya. Si Kyle naman ay nasa Lola Majika niya.

Kaming tatlo ni Mama ang pupunta, kasama si Mateo dahil nagpumilit siya.

“Sigurado ka ba sa desisyon mo, anak? Sabihin mo lang sa akin kung hindi mo kaya, uuwi na tayo,” sabi ni Mama, pero umiling lang ako.

“Okay lang ako, Ma,” I said. She sighed.

“Sige, lagi mong tatandaan andito lang ako, kami ni Mateo,” she said. I turned to Mateo, who was driving. He was focused on the road and didn’t even look at me.

When we arrived at the BJM Police Station, only Mateo and I got out. I was confused as to why Mama didn’t get out.

Taka ko siyang binigyan ng tingin. “Ma, bakit ‘di ka pa bumababa?” I asked, confused. She shook her head.

“Ayoko silang makita. Baka manggulo lang ako doon pag sakaling nakita ko sila. Dito na lang ako,” she said. I just nodded, it seemed she really didn’t want to go.

“Sige, Ma. Una na kami,” I said. She just nodded. I took a deep breath before entering the precinct.

“Ano pong maipaglilingkod namin sa inyo, Ma’am, Sir?” the police officer asked.

“Dadalaw po kami kay Arthor Cartier at Anghel Cartier,” I said. He checked the logbook.

“Pasok na po kayo, ma’am. Tapos po sa waiting area lang po kayo. Paki-hintay lang po sila,” the officer said. I thanked him and we went to the waiting area. Mateo was silent.

My heart was racing with anxiety. Mateo must have noticed because he took my hand.

“Hey, calm down. I’m here,” he said, trying to calm me down. But I became even more nervous when I saw two familiar men approaching us, both handcuffed. I was practically frozen in my seat when I saw the people I hated the most.

They both had beards now, looking older. Namayat sila at ibang-iba sila sa picyure na nakita ko.

“L-luliana, anak, ikaw ba ‘yan?” My dad rushed to me and took my hand. I couldn’t speak, probably because of my nervousness. I was even more surprised when he knelt down. Kuya followed suit.

“A-anak, s-sorry sa nagawa ni P-papa. Nalululong kami sa d-druga ni K-Kuya Anghel mo. Alam kong hindi madali ang m-magpatawad, p-pero sana mapatawad mo k-kami. Pinagsisihan namin ang ginawa n-namin,” he said, his voice trembling.  That’s when I fully regained my senses and tears streamed down my face.

“S-sorry, Luliana. N-nalulong din si K-kuya sa g-ganong edad. Nangako akong p-protectahan k-ka, p-pero kami mismo ang dahilan kung b-bakit ka nasaktan n-nung panahon na ‘yon. A-alam kong n-nakakadiri ang n-nagawa namin. S-sana mapatawad mo kami,” Kuya said, his voice cracking with tears. I finally broke down and cried. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

I looked at them both. “Nung panahon na ‘yon, pinandidirihan ko ang sarili ko. Ilang beses kong sinaktan ang sarili ko, ilang beses kong sinubukan magpakamatay noong panahon na ‘yon dahil sa araw-araw na ganon. Hindi ko alam na buntis pala ako… nakunan ako ng walang nakakaalam, kahit na si Mama. Nabuntis ako sa edad na labing-anim. Sinubukan ko ulit patayin ang sarili ko, pero hindi talaga umubra. Kumain man ako ng lason, walang epekto. Buhay na buhay pa rin ako. Hanggang sa nagtuloy-tuloy kayo ng hindi ko kinaya ang... Kababuyan niyo, sinumbong ko kayo, pero hindi ako pinaniwalaan ni Mama dahil sa mahal niya kayo. Nakalimutan niyang may isa pa siyang anak… nakalimutan niya ako bilang anak niya.” I said, struggling to get the words out. I sobbed harder when I remembered the day they repeatedly raped me.

“Kinamumuhian ko kayo. Kahit si Mama, ang sabi ko, paglaki ko at may kaya ako, ilalaban ko ang anak ko. Kukunin ko ang hustisyang nararapat sa akin at sa anak ko. Pero hindi ko ginawa dahil m-mahal ko kayo,” I said. Papa nodded, and I felt Mateo's gaze on me because of the mention of my child.

Yes, I had a child. I was only sixteen when I got pregnant because of their repeated abuse, but he died because of their relentless assaults. Mateo didn’t know about that because he didn’t come with us when we visited my child’s grave.

“Naghirap ako noong mga panahon na ‘yon. Iniisip ko na ang sama kong ina dahil sa akin namatay siya. Pero mas nanaig sa akin na kasalanan niyo ‘yon at kayo dapat ang sisihin,” I said, my voice heavy with emotion. My words were laced with conviction, each syllable fueled by the pain of remembering my child’s death, a death that I blamed on my own negligence.

The guilt and regret were evident in Papa and Kuya’s eyes.

“Alam ko, anak. Kaya sana mapatawad mo kami. Tatanggapin namin kahit anong kaparusahan. Saktan mo kami ngayon. Magsampalin mo kami, suntokin, sabunutan, kahit ano, hindi kami lalaban. Patawarin mo lang kami,” Papa pleaded. Kuya only nodded in agreement.

Kulang ang pananakit. Gusto ko ng hustisya para sa anak ko at para sa akin. Nasa presinto na sila, pero hindi pa sapat para sa akin.

“Bigyan niyo ako ng isang linggo. Gusto kong makausap kayo ng kalmado ako,” I requested, struggling to breathe because of the anxiety and anger I was feeling.

“Maghihintay kami kahit kailan at gaano pa katagal, mapatawad mo lang kami. Mapatawad mo lang si Kuya. Kahit hindi ganoon kadali iyon,” Papa said. Mateo noticed I was getting weak and put his arm around me.

“We have to leave. You need to rest. We have to go. She needs to rest as well, po,” Mateo said. My father and brother just nodded.

"Sandali pwede bang malaman kung sino ka? hindi ko nakuha pangalan mo nung nagdaang taon" tanong ni Papa bago kami tuluyang maka-alis.

Mateo smiled at them. “Mateo Javier Montevallo, manliligaw po ni Luliana. Excuse us po,” he said, pulling me away from them.

Papa and Kuya looked surprised by Mateo’s introduction, but they just nodded and stared at each other.

What was that about?

As soon as we got out of the precinct, we went to the car. As soon as he opened the door, I rushed to hug Mama and started crying. She hugged me back.

I sobbed into her embrace. “Bakit ganon, Ma? Kahit saktan sila, hindi ko magawa. Ni sigawan sila, hindi ko kaya,” I cried, my voice like a child’s.

“Dahil mabuti ka, anak. Kaya nga nagsisisi si Mama kasi hindi kita pinaniwalaan, eh,” she said, stroking my back.

“Mabuti ako? Mabuting anak ba ako?” I asked. She nodded.

“Oo naman. Napatawad mo nga si Mama, eh. Ni magalit o saktan ang Papa at Kuya mo, ‘di mo magawa. Kaya tumahan ka na. Hindi pa man natin lubusang nakukuha ang hustisya, pero nakakulong na sila,” she said. I nodded and looked at Mateo, then thanked him.

We were on our way to Tita Majika’s house to pick up Kyle. This would be the first time I would be stepping foot in their house in a year.

When we finally arrived at the Montevallo mansion, it was unchanged. Everything was the same as before.

“Mom,” my son said when he saw me. He walked towards me and kissed my cheek.

“Kamusta ka, baby ko?” I said, but he frowned at my words.

“Mom, how many times do I have to tell you I am not a baby anymore?” he said, his voice laced with annoyance. I just laughed.

Kyle’s eyes widened with concern when he saw my puffy eyes.

He placed his hand on my face. “Are you okay, po, Mommy? Who made you cry?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed as if he was ready to confront whoever made me cry if he found out.

I just laughed. “Okay lang si Mommy, anak.”

He sighed and kissed my forehead.

“Am I invisible? Am I a ghost? Won’t you greet me, son?” Mateo said, trying to get Kyle’s attention. Kyle had forgotten to greet his father.

“Afternoon, Dad,” Kyle said. He walked up to Mateo and they bumped chests. I don’t know what that was about, but they always did that whenever they saw each other.

Ngumiti siya kay Mama. "Good Afternoon po, Grandma" He kissed Mama, then walked towards me and put his arm around my waist. Naglalambing.

I was surprised that I couldn’t see Tita Majika in the living room.

“Asaan sina Tita Majika?” I asked my son.

“Upstairs po, getting something,” he said. I just nodded.

“Puntahan ko lang si Mommy,” Mateo said. "Wait us here."  he added.

“Sige, dito lang kami,” I replied. He nodded and turned to leave.

After Mateo left, we sat down in the living room with Mama.

“Birthday na pala ni Mateo sa makalawa. May regalo ka na ba sa kaniya?” Mama asked after she sat down.

“Meron, Ma,” I replied.

“Ano ‘yon? Para may idea ako kung anong bibilhin ko para sa kaniya. Halos lahat naman kasi meron siya, eh,” she said, making me chuckle softly.

“Secret, Ma. No clue. Bili ka na lang ng relo,” I said, and she rolled her eyes.

"Dali na para may idea-"

“Luliana, Lori,” a voice called out, making both Mama and I stop.

“Good afternoon po, Tita Majika, sister,” Mama and I greeted her.

“Afternoon. Nag-lunch na ba kayo?” She asked. I shook my head, and she smiled.

“Eat na lang kayo here. Carlos is not here naman, eh. Kaya d-dalawa lang kami, but andito naman kayo, so,” she said. Mama and I nodded, since we hadn’t eaten yet.

We ate lunch while chatting. Tita Majika wanted us to stay overnight, but I declined because I had to work tomorrow.

“Pupunta lang po kami ng sementeryo, dadalawin ko po yung a-anak ko,” I said, my voice causing everyone to stop.

“Anak?” Mama asked, confused. I nodded.

“May anak ako nung labing-anim ako. Kaso n-namatay dulot ng panggagahasa sa akin at stress,” I said, my voice strained. I heard gasps from around me.

Mama came over to me and hugged me.

“Sorry, sorry, anak. Hindi ko alam,” Mama said, apologizing to me. I just shook my head. “Parawarin mo ako. Wala a-ako, wala ako nung… Nawala ang anak mo.”

“Okay na ‘yon, Ma. Naiintindihan ko,” I said, wiping away my tears. Mama did the same.

“Are you really okay, Ija? Namumutla ka,” Tita said, concerned. I nodded.

“Okay lang po ako,” I said, forcing a smile.

“Ang mabuti pa, magpahinga muna tayong lahat. At bukas, dadalaw tayo,” she said with a smile. Everyone agreed.

“That’s a good idea, Tita,” Alicia said, her voice filled with enthusiasm.

“Good night, everyone,” we said to each other.