I was trying to hard to be better.
I wanted to be better for Colby, because he didn't do anything wrong. I could tell he was beating himself up from all of this, but he wasn't at fault this time.
He was doing everything in his power to make me feel safe and protected. He was being sweet and gentle about this pregnancy.
He didn't know about the internal war going on inside my head.
I couldn't see myself being a mother to a baby who's father was undetermined.
I know that Colby would help me and would step up to be the child's father, but it was cruel.
It was cruel to lie to my child, and it was cruel to make Colby raise someone else's kid.
Not to mention, I didn't want a baby in the crime world to begin with.
After everything that's happened, I just wanted to have a normal life.
I didn't want to be a part of the violence. I just wanted to run away with Colby.
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the front door, causing me to flinch and look at Colby with wide eyes.
"It's okay, darling. It's just Sam and the girls." He said then reached over and gently caressed my cheek with his thumb.
"Are you sure?" I whimpered as he nodded. "Positive." He said then stood up to go get the door.
I wanted to trust him, but I noticed him put his hand on his gun as he walked towards the front door.
As soon as he opened it though, I could see Sam's smiling face.
"Hey, man." He said as Kat gasped. "Julia! I've missed you!" She said and ran over to me. I flinched back, whimpering slightly.
"Shit, sorry! I forgot, Jules." Kat said quietly as I shook my head, my eyes watering. "It's okay." I whispered but stood up.
"Excuse me." I said quietly then walked towards the second bedroom.
I hated that my reaction was to run and hide. I hated that Kat was so excited to see me, but I was a mess.
They didn't deserve this treatment.
I went under the desk and cried into my knees, feeling ashamed of myself.
I was supposed to be getting better, but I felt worse than ever.
I don't think I would ever be normal again.
"Hey." Colby whispered, sitting in front of me. "She didn't mean to scare you." He said gently as I nodded.
"I know." I whispered. "I'm sorry everything is so scary right now." He said with a sigh, reaching his hand out to me.
"Let us help you." He encouraged as I sniffled and shook my head. My eyes watered as my chest ached.
There was another layer of anxiety that I was feeling, and I didn't know how to calm myself down.
"Julia, baby." Colby whispered as my arms shook. "Fuck. You're gonna be okay." He said and crawled under the desk, laying me down so my head could rest in his lap.
"N-n-no." I mumbled as the sick feeling I knew so well creeped up my throat.
"Let it happen, sweetheart. You're gonna be okay." Colby hummed as my eyes rolled back.
I don't know how long I was out until my eyes were fluttering open again.
I was laying on the bed, in Colby's arms. He ran his fingers through my hair, humming quietly.
As soon as I shifted he sighed. "There you are." He said quietly. "That was a long one." He said gently, sitting up so he could look at me.
"How are you feeling?" He asked as I sat up. "Not good." I mumbled causing him to sigh. "I'm sorry, Julia." Colby said quietly.
"It's okay." I said then rubbed my eyes. "Did you maybe want to try some food?" He asked as I nodded.
"Okay, love. I'll heat that pizza up for you." He said then took my hand and helped me up.
"Colby.." I said quietly, causing him to bring his full attention to me again. "Yes, love?" He asked as I looked into his eyes.
"Thanks for everything." I said quietly causing him to smile slightly. "I'm proud of you. You have no idea." He said then kissed my forehead.
I was so grateful for Colby's patience and how gentle he was being with me.
I knew it had to be annoying and had to be hard to watch but he never complained or showed any annoyance.
He was the best boyfriend to ever exist.
When we made our way out to the living room, Sam, Kat, and Stas all looked up at us.
"Julia, I'm so sorry." Kat said as I shook my head. "It's okay." I said quietly then went to sit on the couch next to Sam.
"I think you're really brave." Stas said as Kat nodded. "I don't know how you do it." She said quietly as Sam put his hand on her leg.
"She's a tough cookie." Sam said as Colby left to heat the pizza up.
I found myself being uneasy knowing he wasn't in the room with me but I was trying to get through it.
Colby couldn't be around me every second of every day no matter how much I wanted him to.
"Are you guys gonna stay here for a while?" Stas asked as I shook my head. I knew Colby had a lot to deal with in Seattle but I didn't know what his plan was.
"I wish you guys could live here again. We miss having you around." Kat said as I nodded slowly.
I liked being around the girls and I missed them more than I could describe but I didn't know if I wanted to stay in LA.
It was such a busy and dangerous city, and there were so many people who knew and hated Colby here.
I wanted to run away.
I wanted to go somewhere else to feel safe, and I wanted to be away from the crime world.
Colby wouldn't do that though.
He's been in the game for so long I don't know if he could function in a normal place doing a normal job.
Once you've been a part of the crime world, there's no going back.
"Here, Jules." Colby said and sat next to me, handing me a plate with a couple slices of pizza on it. "Thanks." I said quietly as he wrapped his arm around me.
"How long are you guys staying?" Stas asked as I ate my pizza. "We're leaving tomorrow." Colby said as I looked up at him.
"Is anyone coming with you?" Sam asked as Colby shook his head.
"Not unless you want to. I've taken you from your work for too long." Colby said as I frowned and looked at Sam.
"I think we work better together anyways." Sam said with a shrug. "You're not going anywhere without me." Kat said and leaning into Sam.
I felt horrible that Kat hasn't been able to see Sam for so long.
It wasn't fair that her relationship had to suffer because mine and Colby's lives were a fucking mess.
"Maybe we can all go. That way Julia has a support system while Colby is working." Sam suggested. "We'll see how things go." Colby said, dismissing the subject.
I think he wanted us to talk about something that wouldn't upset me because he then changed the subject to something else.
He was talking about our trip to Vegas all those years ago.
I was still feeling very uneasy so I didn't contribute to the conversation but I did remember that trip.
It was the first time I realized that I loved Colby. Our relationship was much more complex at the time.
We knew that we loved each other but neither of us wanted to admit it.
The drunken haze of Vegas brought it out of us though.
We ended up talking for a little while before Colby asked if I could hang out with Stas and Kat. I knew he had to talk to Sam about something important otherwise he wouldn't be doing that.
"I'm sorry we haven't been around much." Stas said as the three of us went into the bedroom. "It's okay." I said quietly.
"No, it's not. You were traumatized and we should have been there to help." Kat said and put her hand on mine.
I flinched back slightly, but tried to put a reassuring face on.
I didn't want them to think that they were doing something wrong.
These girls were my best friends and they were always so supportive of me. Even if they couldn't be here physically with me, I knew they were supporting me.
I didn't feel fully comfortable talking to Kat and Stas just yet but I was proud of myself for being able to at least hang out with them.
It was a little step towards recovery and I was nowhere near where I needed to be.
I was proud of myself nonetheless.