We spent the rest of the night talking with Sam, Kat, and Stas.
I was so glad that I was getting more comfortable with them because I needed to be surrounded by people who cared for me.
I still had a lot of pent up anxiety and a lot of fear coursing through my veins but I was trying so hard to be normal.
When Sam, Kat, and Stas left I felt the uneasiness creeping up on me.
I think I got more comfortable having more than just one person here with me.
I obviously trusted Colby but it brought back horrible memories to be alone with a guy.
"Jules." Colby said causing me to look up at him. "Sorry." I said quietly. "Don't be sorry, sweetheart. Are you doing okay?" He asked as I nodded.
"I'm fine." I said with a sigh. "I'm so proud of you." He said and walked over to me, sitting on the bed next to me.
I nodded then looked down at my hands, picking at my nails.
"What's going on?" Colby asked gently, reaching for my hand. I sniffled then looked up at him, looking into his eyes.
"I love you." I whispered causing his eyes to soften. "I love you, too. More than you'll ever know." He said then kissed my head.
"We're gonna go home early tomorrow, so we should probably get to bed." Colby said as I nodded.
I was nervous to go to sleep because I knew that there was no way I was going to avoid the nightmares that would ensue.
When we got to the bed, I laid down and cuddled into the blankets. I noticed that Colby wasn't laying next to me or even sitting on the bed.
"Did you want me to lay with you?" He asked as I nodded. "Yeah." I said causing him to smile and sit on the bed.
Once he laid down, I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his chest. We laid in silence for a while before we both fell asleep.
My night of sleep was plagued with bad dreams and cried for help. Colby was so gracious and helpful though which I really appreciated.
We decided after I had woken up for the third time that it would just be better to go home than to keep trying to sleep.
I felt so bad that I kept Colby up most nights. He was always so supportive and didn't seem to care much but I knew he needed to be well rested to do his job.
I was nothing but a distraction to him.
"You okay?" Colby asked gently as we drove down the road. "Yeah." I said as he sighed and reached his hand out.
"When we get back I know things are gonna be hard and that I'll have to work a lot more." He said with a sigh.
"I don't want you to worry about me though. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt or take advantage of us again." He said as I nodded, looking out the window.
I was afraid of someone ripping Colby and I apart again. It seemed like everyone knew how to get to us, and that fact scared me.
There were always snakes, and people out to get Colby.
He was always under so much pressure and now that my safety had been completely taken from me, he had even more.
I saw a fire inside of him, one that wasn't going to go away any time soon.
He was going to fiercely protect me from anyone and anything, even if it meant he was in the crossfires.
Nothing was going to stop him from making sure I wasn't hurt again.
We drove for a long time before Colby pulled off of the highway. We were almost back to Seattle so I wasn't sure why he wanted to stop.
"Everything okay?" I asked nervously. "Yeah, everything is fine, love." He said and squeezed my hand, looking at his GPS.
I knew he was probably telling the truth and that we were fine, but the fear was rising up the further we got from the path.
I hated that my mind immediately went to him turning on me, taking me to a place where he would never see me again.
No matter how reassuring he was and how much he promised that he loved me, I was still broken.
We eventually pulled up to a little beach where nobody else seemed to be.
I recognized it from the last time we drove back from LA. It was the same beach Colby took me to, where he didn't have any weapons or anything on him.
I remembered falling harder for him when he did that since he knew how upset I was about being in the crime world.
He knew I hated the violence and he knew that I craved normalcy more than anything, so he took a step to prove how serious he was about our relationship.
"What are we doing?" I asked as he parked the car.
"I wanted to take you on a little date. I know it's a big step but nobody is here, so I thought it would be a good first step back into normalcy." He explained and looked over at me.
I frowned, reaching over to put my hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry." I whispered causing him to scrunch his brow with confusion.
"Why are you sorry?" He asked as I sniffled. "You deserve better than me." I said as he shook him head.
"Julia, stop." He said and took my hands. "You've been through something so unimaginable and you've been so strong. The last thing I want you to do is feel guilty." He said as a tear trickled down my cheek.
"I will wait for as long as I need to for you to feel completely comfortable around me. All I ask is that you take this step with me." He said and wiped my cheek.
I knew he had a point. I needed to get out of my comfort zone so I could start to feel more safe.
Colby wasn't going to be able to stay with me all day every day for the rest of my life.
He had so many responsibilities and had to take care of the things going on with his gang.
I had to take this step now, or I would never do it.
I nodded then reached for my door handle so I could get out of the car. Colby followed suit then walked over to me, taking my hand.
"It's beautiful out here." I said and looked at the waterline. I remembered the first time I ever went to the beach.
It was with Colby when we were first dating. He didn't know that I had ever been which made it even more special.
I remembered being so hopelessly in love with him at the time. I was in love with him now, but it was a different kind of love.
When he left, I felt everything in me break. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my life. I learned to live without him but I don't think I ever fell out of love.
I resented him and hated him for what he did but it didn't take long to realize that I loved him entirely.
I never stopped.
Now we were, walking along the beach hand in hand. Paranoia was coursing through my veins but Colby's hand holding mine felt like a safety blanket.
As long as he was here, nobody would hurt me.
We walking in silence, listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.
I was trying to stay in the moment but all I could think about was the decision that was looming over my head.
Someones life was in my hands and I had to choose whether they lived or died.
"What's going on in that pretty head?" Colby asked, breaking the silence. "I don't know what to do." I mumbled, putting my free hand on my lower belly.
"Oh." Colby said quietly. "I would love to tell you what the right choice is but only you know that answer." He said as I looked up at him.
"I've killed too many people." I said and looked down. "I don't know if I can make that decision." I said as he stopped and turned towards me, turning me to face him.
"Julia, listen to me." He said and put his hands on both sides of my face.
"You've never killed somebody for no reason. Every person in your body count was either going to hurt you, or has hurt you." He explained, looking into my eyes.
"You're not mindlessly killing, and although it feels like it...if you're gonna abort it's not because you're a horrible person." He said and brushed my hair behind my ear.
"You're protecting yourself." He said as I nodded. "I love you." I whispered as he brushed my cheek with his thumb. "I love you too, Julia." He said and looked into my eyes.
I sighed then raised up on my tiptoes and kissed him. The last kiss we shared was right after I was saved from the terrifying house I was in.
I remembered being petrified of Colby and I remembered flinching away from him.
This kiss was electric.
We both loved each other and Colby wasn't trying to take advantage of me. He was always so cautious and worked so hard to not trigger me.
This kiss was full of love that was brewing over time. It was the first real kiss we've shared since I was taken, and I was happy it was happening.
I was happy that I took this next step.