Falling into a normal routine was hard.
It was easier to get homework done and to keep the bills up to date, but I felt empty inside.
I haven't been eating and have hardly slept. Guilt was eating me alive since I knew my siblings weren't in a loving or caring environment.
I missed having them around and showing them how much I cared for them.
Every day was a battle with myself to not get in the car and go find them. It was also a battle to not find any pills to take.
I had slipped up a couple times in the past week but I was fighting. I refused to just let myself fall back into that life.
Mike officially asked me out the other day which was weird but I said I would be his girlfriend.
It was hard to be in a real relationship again because I wasn't ready to do a lot of coupley things.
Obviously my last relationship ended horribly and I didn't want to go through that again.
I couldn't go through that again.
"Ready, babe?" Mike asked as I put my jacket on. "Yep." I said as he opened the front door. "Where are we going?" I asked as he grinned and took my hand.
"There's a neighborhood that has some amazing Halloween decorations. I thought you would like to see them." Mike said as I nodded.
"Sounds like fun." I said as he opened the passengers seat to his cop car.
"Oooo, we're riding in the cop car?" I asked as he nodded.
"Yeah, I thought it would be fun." He said with a shrug. Once we were in the car we drove a couple streets over.
Like Mike said, there were amazing Halloween decorations at every house. I tried to enjoy looking at them but all I could think about was how much my siblings would enjoy this.
We would be getting them ready for Halloween if they were with me. I would have taken them trick or treating no matter how tired I was.
I could basically hear Juniper's giggle ringing in my ears.
It broke my heart.
We drove in silence, just looking at the displays. It wasn't an awkward silence though. It was peaceful.
Neither of us felt like we needed to talk.
I found myself being more silent lately. It was hard to open up or talk about what happened and I didn't want to talk about anything else.
Most of my days were lonely and silent but it was what I deserved at this point.
"Octavia, are you in the area?" A voice asked, coming from the radio. "What going on?" Mike asked as I bundled my sleeves in my hands.
"We need backup. West street, headed south bound." The voice said as Mike nodded. "On my way." He said then turned his sirens on.
"Sorry." He said as I shook my head. "Don't worry about it." I said and looked out the window.
We sped down the road, the sirens blaring from above us.
When we got to the location of the crime, Mike got out of the car and looked at me.
"Stay here. Don't move." He said as I nodded. This wasn't the first time I have been on a ride along with Mike so I knew to stay where I was.
It was funny being on the opposite side of the crime world. I remember the day I was taken by the guys in LA I was told to sit in the car while they did some illegal shit.
It was funny how times change.
While I waited for Mike to get back I found myself looking around a little bit. There wasn't a lot to look at outside so I looked around the police car.
I didn't want to snoop because it wasn't my place but I couldn't help but open the glove box.
Inside was a stack of papers with highly detailed notes on someone along with a set of coordinates.
It wasn't like this was weird thing to have considering he's been working on a case but I wanted to know more.
I went to pull the papers out but was interrupted by the door opening.
"What are you doing?" Mike asked as I flinched. "I was looking for a napkin. I have to blow my nose." I lied.
"I don't have any in there." He said then shut the glovebox.
"Sorry." I mumbled as he shrugged and buckled his seatbelt.
"I think I'm ready to go back to your place." He said as I nodded. "Sounds good to me." I said and looked out the window.
I felt bad for looking through his stuff but I didn't really even see what any of it was about.
"Are you hungry?" Mike asked as we drove. I shook my head and looked down at my lap. "Everything okay?" He asked as I nodded.
"Yeah, I think I'm coming down with a cold." I lied again. He didn't need to know how guilty I was because then he would know for sure that I was lying.
"Let me get you some medicine then." He said as I shook my head. "You know I can't." I said as he nodded.
"Right. I forgot." He said and looked straight ahead.
I couldn't tell if he was annoyed with me or not but I couldn't help but feel like he was.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled as he shook his head. "Why are you sorry?" He asked and reached over, taking my hand.
"For looking in your glovebox." I said as he chuckled. "You were looking for a tissue. It's no biggie." He said then pulled my hand into his lap.
The rest of the drive to my house was silent but there was a lot less tension in the air.
When we got back to my place we got settled in the living room.
"Mind if I rummage through your cabinets for some food? It's only fair." Mike said as I scrunched my brow.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked as he laughed. "Since you went through my stuff." He said as I squinted at him.
"I apologized.."I said as he came over to me. "I'm just kidding, Jules." He said then kissed my cheek.
"Seriously though, can I grab a snack?" He asked as I nodded.
"Yeah, of course." I said then watched as he disappeared into the other room.
I sighed and pulled my legs to my chest, hugging them.
We had put a movie on but I wasn't interested in watching it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry but I would have to wait until Mike left to do that.
Mike came back a couple minutes later with a bag of chips in his hand.
It was the Cheetos that Sam had got at the store. I felt my chest ache as I stared at the screen in front of me.
I missed them so fucking much.
"Want some?" Mike asked and offered the bag to me. "No." I said quietly and shook my head.
When he sat down, he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. I wasn't in the mood to really be cuddling but I was grateful that he was at least trying to comfort me.
We sat and cuddled for a little while before Mike sat up slightly.
I looked over at him to see what he was doing but before I could respond his lips were on mine.
I pulled back in shock and looked at him. "What was that?" I asked as he chuckled.
"Come on, Jules. You really thought I just wanted to watch a movie?" He asked as I nodded. "Well yeah.." I said and blinked slowly.
"Babe, I've been so stressed out and you haven't really done much to help...so I was thinking maybe..." He said and caught the back of my head with his hand and tried to push my face towards his crotch.
"Mike, stop!" I hissed and jolted away from him. "Are you serious right now?" He asked as I nodded.
"I'm not in the mood for that." I said and crossed my arms, leaning back.
"Are you kidding? Julia, I can't deal with a dry dick for much longer." He said as I shrugged.
"I'm not doing this tonight." I said blandly. Before I could get up or say anything he was pinning me down and hovering over me.
"You're just not in the mood yet." He said then kissed my neck. "Mike, please stop." I begged and tried to fight him off of me.
"Just relax." He cooed as tears filled my eyes. "Stop!" I begged and mustered all of my strength to get him off of me.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Julia?!" Mike asked angrily. "Get out!" I yelled and pointed towards the door.
"I'm your boyfriend, Julia! We're supposed to do stuff like this." He said as I shook my head. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I yelled, my voice cracking.
"Whatever, you crazy bitch." He said then stood up and snatched his jacket up before storming out of the house.
As soon as he left I burst into tears, feeling myself breaking. The addiction monster was swarming inside of me but I had to push it down.
I couldn't get into that and possibly overdose.
I didn't have anyone here to save me from the hell I was in.