I sat on the bed, hugging my legs as I rested my chin on my knees.
The adrenaline was still coursing through my veins. The feeling made me almost feel sick to my stomach.
It felt like someone was watching, and it was probably because someone was.
Someone was always watching when Colby was involved in my life.
I would spend the rest of my life being watched.
My thoughts were interrupted by Colby opening the door. I was so jumpy that I flinched at the simple noise.
"Sorry." Colby said as I shook my head, looking over at him. He was only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist.
His hair was still wet and there were water droplets cascading down his torso.
"It's okay." I mumbled as he ran his hand through his hair.
"I'll be right back." He said then left the room. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.
The pain in my leg was bothering me so badly that I wanted pain pills. I wanted so desperately to numb every part of me, but I couldn't.
I couldn't physically get any drugs but I mentally couldn't do that to myself.
I didn't realize how badly I was trembling until Colby was standing next to me, holding out a blanket.
"I'm fine." I mumbled as he sighed. "It's okay if you're not. It's been a while since you've been in that much action." He said and draped the blanket around my shoulders.
"Can I have some ibuprofen?" I asked, catching him off guard. "I don't know if that's a good idea." He said with a sigh.
"It hurts really bad." I said and looked down at my leg. Before he could answer, the door was opening.
"Are you okay?!" Devyn asked as she and Tara rushed into the room.
"I'm fine." I said and looked at Colby still. He shifted uncomfortably, then turned to go into the bathroom.
"Did you get shot?! Oh my god." Tara said with a frown as they sat on the bed with me.
"I'm fine." I repeated, pulling the blanket around me more. "If I were you I wouldn't be." Devyn said quietly.
"Yeah well, I am." I said as Jake and Corey came into the room. "Hey, Jules. Where's Colby?" Corey asked as I pointed to the bathroom.
"You doing okay?" Jake asked as I nodded. "I'm great." I mumbled then stood up, cringing at the pain in my leg.
I was so annoyed by everything that was going on since I couldn't have any pain pills that I didn't care if someone snatched me from the balcony, I needed fresh air.
When I got out there I sat in the chair and looked up at the stars.
There was so much smog in LA that the stars were hardly visible but I didn't care.
I sat out there for a while before the door opened. "Can I sit out here?" Sam asked as I looked out at the view.
"You're probably going to do it anyways, so I guess go ahead." I said and crossed my arms.
"Sorry tonight happened." He said after a couple minutes of silence.
"Sorry for trashing your house." I mumbled causing him to chuckle. "Not your fault. How's your leg?" He asked as I looked down at the wound.
"It's fine." I said and looked over at him. "Come on, Jules. You can talk to me. You're clearly upset and festering on it is only gonna make it worse." He said causing me to sigh.
"Do you ever just wish that someone would come and kill you..just so you could get it over with?" I asked as his face fell slightly. "Not really." He said quietly.
"Having someone constantly out to get you for no reason hurts. It hurts a fucking lot." I said and bundled my sleeves in my hands.
"Years ago it felt worth it, because there was something that made it worth it." I said and looked down at my lap.
"I don't have that anymore." I mumbled. "Jules, if this is about Colby leaving you..it was only because he loved you." He said as I shook my head.
"You don't hurt someone you love like that." I said, my voice going thick.
"I know you think Colby has always been a dick, but you didn't see him in his prime dickness." He said with a laugh.
"The past four years I haven't seen my best friend." He said and looked up at the sky.
"I've physically seen him from time to time. He's come for events or parties, but he wasn't here." He said as I looked over at him.
"He turned into this hard persona, who was all work no play. He didn't make any friends up there because he refused to trust anyone." He said and looked over at me.
"I haven't seen my best friend in four years...that is until tonight." He said with a grin.
"The Colby inside right now is the Colby I've known for most of my life. He actually joked with me about not being in on the action." He said and nudged my shoulder with his.
"I'm not saying you have to feel a certain way or do anything but he wasn't the same when you were gone." He said then stood up.
"And on that note, I'm gonna actually go yell at him for not calling me into the action." He said then patted my shoulder and went back inside.
I felt my eyes watering as I looked back out at the view. I couldn't stop thinking about what Sam had said.
Part of me thought he wasn't being fully truthful and that he was just trying to make me feel better.
Sam had never lied to me before though.
He was always so nice and understanding and cared for me like a brother would his sister. Colby acting like a normal human being didn't mean anything though.
He didn't love me and wouldn't love me. We were just reliving a life that we once did before and it was sparking memories and feelings.
That was it.
I sat outside for a while before the cold really started to get to me. When I went back into the room nobody was in there, except Colby.
"Hey." I said as he grinned. "Are you over your tantrum?" He asked as I clenched my jaw. "I'm kidding, Jules." He said with a sigh.
"Ha." I said and limped over to the bed, sitting down. "Can I see your leg?" He asked and sat next to me. "Yeah." I mumbled and propped it up so he could look at it.
"It's not infected so far, which is good." He said as I nodded. "Can I please have some ibuprofen then?" I asked as he shrugged.
"Have whatever you want, sweetheart. I'm not your dad, I can't tell you what to do." He said as I nodded slowly.
"No, but you did kill him." I said causing him to look up at me quickly.
"Who told you that?" He asked with a slight bit of fear in his voice. "Nobody had to tell me, I'm not a moron." I said as he closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Jules. He tried to kill you and it was my gut reaction." He said as I looked down, my eyes watering. "It's fine. I hate that I miss him though." I admitted.
"You loved him, you're allowed to miss him even though he hurt you." Colby said quietly.
"He knew I was kidnapped and he didn't come rescue me. I didn't even realize the fact until a year after his death." I explained.
"If he loved me, he would have saved me from any danger that I was in. He didn't know how you treated me." I said and looked up at him.
There was a pain in his eyes, one that I knew so well.
"Every time I think someone loves and cares about me, I'm proven wrong. So, I'm just gonna go." I said and got off of the bed, turning to leave the room.
"Where are you going?" He asked and got up to follow me. "I'm leaving, don't worry about me anymore." I said and walked down the hall.
"Julia, stop." Colby said and came after me. I didn't know what came over me, but I was suddenly very distraught.
I didn't want to continue what we were doing. I just wanted to give up.
"I don't care about dying anymore. Just let me go!" I cried out as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into his arms.
"You're not doing that." He said and lifted me up so he could walk back to the bedroom.
"Let me go! I want to go!" I cried out, trying to fight him off.
"Calm down, sweetheart. You've been through a lot." He said and closed the door to my room. "Let me go!!" I screamed and kicked.
"Shhh." Colby said and set me down, turning me to face him so he could hug me.
"I know this is a lot. You're not killing yourself though. I'm not gonna let you do that." He said as I sobbed.
"Nobody cares about me! They always leave! I wanna leave!" I sobbed, feeling myself finally break.
I had been so strong for the past four years. Sure, I've had my fits of breaking down but this was an entirely different level.
I genuinely wanted to give up and just let them take me. I didn't care if they killed me or did anything else.
I didn't want to do this anymore.
"Shhh..." Colby shushed as I sobbed, punching him in the chest in an attempt to get him to release me.
Colby didn't loosen his grip at all though. He held me tightly, trying desperately to calm me down.
After a couple minutes I started to get tired, the panic and hysteria dying down.
"You're okay, Jules." Colby whispered as I started collapsing from how exhausted I was. He didn't say anything else before he was lifting me up and laying me on the bed.
"Please." I begged, tears still rolling down my cheeks as Colby got into bed and pulled me into his chest.
"I'm not going anywhere." He whispered, holding me close.
I couldn't keep my eyes open for much longer, so instead I cried myself to sleep while being secured in Colby's embrace.