I couldn't shake the feeling in my chest of dread and fear. I had been so strong the past four years but right now I was falling apart.
I felt insane.
"Hey.." Sam said as he popped his head into the room. "Hi." I whispered as he came to sit next to me. "You look down." He said as I nodded. "Is it obvious?" I asked as he chuckled.
"Colby might have tipped me off a little bit." He said with a sigh. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked as I shook my head.
"I don't know what to say." I said and started picking at my nails. "This is a lot to take in, but now that you're here we're gonna keep you safe." He said as I frowned.
"You can't. They're gonna do what they want and get around you guys. They always do." I said as he sighed. "They have in the past, yes." He said with a nod.
"However, we will try our very best to protect you." He said as I nodded. "Yeah, thanks." I said then sniffled.
"I should be thanking you." He said causing me to scrunch my brow. "What? Why?" I asked with confusion.
"I haven't seen Colby be this way in a very long time. He hasn't put the hard persona on at all." Sam said as I shrugged. "I don't control him." I said as he nodded.
"I know, but you make him better. Whether you're trying to or not, you make him a better person." He said causing me to sigh.
"He admitted to loving me." I said quietly. "Really?" He asked with shock. "Yeah." I said as he nodded. "No wondered you're a little fucked up." He said with a sigh.
"I can't keep doing this, Sam. I can't keep being dragged along when its convenient for him. I can't keep having someone hunting me because of him." I said, my eyes watering.
"I know it's hard." He said then wrapped his arms around me.
"It feels like he didn't want you for a long time but the truth is he never wanted to leave you. Not even a little bit. He thought it would be what was best for you." He said as I cried into his chest.
"I don't know the whole situation but people weren't after you for a long time and he liked that. He liked that you were out of the crime world, not his world though." Sam explained.
"Before the whole Quill thing happened...he talked to me about running away with you." He said and scratched my back.
"He wanted to leave the crime world and take you and the kids somewhere. Then when Quill was killed...he changed his mind. He knew that his name was too big and that there would never be safety for you." He explained.
"That's why he forced himself to leave you. It was only to protect you." He said as I shook my head.
"It didn't work." I mumbled. "It did for a while. He just forgot that your name is just as big, if not bigger, than his." He said as I nodded.
"And that's my problem." I said and sat up straight. "I'll never be free again." I said as he sighed.
"I know it seems that way but if we do this right, then we can make it happen." He said as I shook my head.
"There's only one way to do it." I said as he clenched his jaw. "Don't do anything stupid, Jules. We care about you too much." He said as I nodded.
"I'm tired." I said as he sighed, standing up. "Get some sleep. I'm gonna make breakfast in the morning." He said then ruffled my hair.
It was cute how much Sam treated me like a younger sister. I never felt threatened by his presence and he just always wanted to help me.
I really loved him.
Once he left I curled up in bed and let myself drift off.
I had a restless night with dreams of being killed or kidnapped plaguing my mind.
Colby would try to save me each time but he would always fail.
I couldn't help but think it was foreshadowing.
When the sun started to rise, I decided to sit outside on the balcony.
The view out there was beautiful but it was cold as shit. I didn't find myself caring so much as I watched the sun peak over the snowy mountains in front of me.
For the first time in a while I felt peace and comfort.
I didn't feel fully safe but I felt like I would be okay if I stayed right here.
If they found me here, I would let them take me. They deserved to have me if they were willing to scale a mountain to get me.
I sat on the balcony basically freezing to death, watching at the sun rose.
I wanted to sit here all day because of how comfortable I felt.
There was nobody here to bother me.
After a while, I got too cold. I was going to die of hypothermia, which didn't sound too bad in this moment.
When I got back inside, I grabbed my only clean set of clothes and went into the bathroom so I could shower.
The warm water felt nice against my freezing skin, but it didn't help my fragile mindset.
Once I was out of the shower, I towel dried my hair and brushed my teeth.
I had to admit that I felt a little more human after doing that.
By the time I was ready I could hear someone knocking on my door.
"Juliaaaa." Jake sang causing me to smile slightly. Jake was always such a sweetheart with a goofy side.
Maybe he could help break up the sadness that was sitting in my chest.
"Hey." I answered as I opened the door. "I missed you!" He said and hugged me. "It's only be a couple days." I said as he nodded.
"Yeah, but I still missed you." He said with a shrug. "Well, you get me for an extended amount of time now." I said as the smell of bacon invaded my nose.
"Come on, Sam made breakfast." He said then led the way down the stairs.
"Good morning, Jules!" Sam said with a wide smile. "You're chipper." I said and looked around.
"Where's Corey?" I asked and sat down. "He went to the store with Colby to go get some stuff." Sam said as I nodded.
"Thank God." I mumbled as he slid a plate towards me. "Has he been annoying you?" Jake asked as I shrugged.
I wouldn't say annoying but he was being something to me.
"They should be back soon, then we have to discuss our plans." Sam said as Jake groaned.
"Can't we just take one small break? It's always so serious." He said with a sigh.
"Someone is after one of our people. We don't take breaks when that happens." Sam said as Jake groaned.
"Colby left us. He's not our people anymore." Jake said and crossed his arms. "Jules is though." Sam said and looked at me.
"Am I?" I asked as he nodded. "Always. Once you've been got, there's no going back." He said as I nodded.
It was nice that they wanted to protect me, but Jake was right. They didn't owe me or Colby anything considering how things went.
I sat and ate breakfast with Sam and Jake then went back up to my room since all I wanted was to be alone.
I ended up grabbing a blanket so I could sit on the balcony again.
I must have only been out there for five minutes before the door was opening. "Hey." Colby said and stepped out onto the balcony.
"Hi." I said and tightened the blanket around my body. "What are you doing out here? Your hair is wet." He said as I shrugged. "You care?" I asked as he nodded.
"I think we both know I care." He said then sat next to me. "Got you some clothes." He said with a sigh.
"Thanks." I said and looked over at him. "How are you feeling?" He asked as I shrugged.
"I just wanna go home." I said, feeling my body tremble from the cold.
I knew Colby was right about me sitting out here with wet hair, but it was the only place I wanted to be.
"Hopefully soon, sweetheart." He said then stood up, holding his hands out.
"Come on, we have to talk to the guys." He said as I sighed and took his hands, letting him help me up.
"I don't want to be a part of this, Colby." I whispered as he sighed and pulled me into a hug. "I know. We're gonna try and keep you away from all of this as best as possible." He said as I nodded.
I still haven't let it process that I killed two men recently. I didn't want to think that I did that because I knew I would crumble even more if I thought about it.
Having Colby back in my life meant I would be back to doing things I never wanted to do. I didn't want to be heartless killer.
But that's what it felt like I was.