âI know it seems that way, Hardin, but itâs not true. I met Karen two years after I stopped drinking. Landon was already sixteen, and I wasnât trying to be a father figure to him. He didnât grow up with a man in the house either, so he was quick to embrace me. It wasnât my intention to have a new family and âreplaceâ youâI could never replace you. You never wanted anything to do with meâand I donât blame you for thatâbut, son, I spent most of my life living in the darkâa blinding, desolate darkness. And Karen was my light, the way Tessa is for you.â
My heart nearly stops at the mention of Tessa. I was so lost in reliving my shitty childhood that I was able to stop thinking about her for a moment.
âI couldnât help but be happy and grateful that Karen came into my life, Landon included,â Ken continues. âIâd give anything to have a relationship with you the way I do with him; maybe one day that could happen.â
I can see that my father is out of breath after his long confession, and Iâm left speechless. Iâve never had this type of conversation with him, or with anyone in my life but Tessa. She always seems to be the exception.
I donât know what to say to him. I donât forgive him for fucking up my life and choosing liquor over my mum, but I meant what I said about trying to forgive him. If I donât, Iâll never be able to be normal. Really, Iâm not even sure Iâll ever be able to be ânormalâ anyway, but I want to be able to go a week without breaking something, or someone.
The humiliation on Tessaâs face when I told her to leave the apartment is clear in my mind. But instead of fighting it like I always do, I embrace it. I need to be reminded of what I did to herâno more hiding from the consequences of my actions.
âYou havenât said anything,â my dad says, interrupting my thoughts. The image of Tessaâs face begins to fade, and though I try to hang on to it, it slips away. The only comfort I have is in knowing that itâll be back to haunt me soon enough.
âI donât really know what the hell to say. This has been a lot for me; I donât know what to think,â I admit. The honesty in my words terrifies me, and I wait for him to make shit awkward.
But he doesnât. He just nods in agreement and stands to his feet. âKaren is making a late dinner, if you want to stay.â
âNo, Iâll pass,â I groan. I want to go home. The only problem with home is that Tessa isnât there. And thatâs my own damn fault.
I RAN INTO LANDON in the hallway as I was leaving, but I ignored him and left before he could try to force his unsolicited advice on me. I shouldâve asked him where Tessa was; Iâm desperate to know. But I also know myself and that Iâd show up wherever she is and try to convince her to leave with me. I need to be with her, wherever she is. Listening to my dadâs explanation of why he was such a shitty father to me was a step in the right direction, but Iâm not miraculously going to be able to stop being a controlling bastard all of a sudden. And if Tessa is somewhere that I donât want her to beâlike with Zed, for example . . .
Is she with Zed? Holy shit, would she be with him? I donât think so, but itâs not like Iâve given her the option of having many friends. And if she isnât with Landon . . .
No, sheâs not with Zed. Sheâs just not.
I continue to convince myself of this as I ride the elevator up to our apartment. Half of me hopes that whoever the asshole was that broke into our apartment is back now; I could really use an outlet for my mounting anger.
A chill runs down my back and over my entire body. What if Tessa had been home alone when the intruder broke in? The image of her flushed, tearstained face from my nightmares flashes in front of me, and my body goes rigid. If anyone ever tried to hurt her, it would be the last thing they ever fucking did.
Iâm such a fucking hypocrite! Here I am, threatening to kill someone for hurting her when thatâs all I seem capable of doing.
After grabbing some water and looking around the empty apartment for a few minutes, I start to get antsy. To keep myself busy, I sort through Tessaâs book collection. She left too many behind, and I know it killed her to do so. Just more evidence of how toxic I am.
A leather notebook hidden between two different editions of Emma catches my eye, and I run my fingers along the clasp. Pulling it out, I sift through the pages to find that Tessaâs handwriting fills each page. Is this some sort of diary that I didnât know she was keeping?
Introduction to World Religion is written neatly on the first page. I sit down on the bed with the book in my hands and begin to read.
Chapter fifty-six
TESSA
Logan calls to me from the other side of the kitchen, but when itâs clear I canât hear him, he walks over to me. âIt was cool of you to come. I wasnât sure if you were going to!â he says with a big smile.
âI wouldnât miss my own going-away party,â I say, tilting the red cup in my shaky hands as a sort of toast.
âIâve missed you around here; no one has choked Molly in a while.â He laughs and tips his head back, pouring clear liquor straight from the bottle down his throat. He swallows it down, blinks, then clears his throat, shaking his head in a way that makes me cringe at the thought of how bad that had to burn.
âYouâll always be my hero for that,â he teases and offers the bottle to me.
I shake my head and hold up the half-empty cup in my hand. âIâm sure it wonât be long until someone else comes along and does it again.â I take a moment to smile at the thought.