Chapter 71: chapter 71

Mowri  had yet to see a more soulful expression. Or a more sad one. She couldn't decide which was it? He had bared his soul to her and for the first time she saw the cracks in the shiny armor he wore and presented to the world. The scars he bore of that one mistake he had made. How could she have missed all of it? She remembered when they had met at the café before their marriage and how an accidental comment on her part had pained him. She had seen a fleeting reflection of it that day and never since. How well had he masked how he felt? And Nisha  had married his best friend? She was shocked. How could she do that? Chuck her she could do anything how could Arnab 's friend do that? Granted they were already divorced but being Arnab 's best friend hadn't he known what that would do to him. How come he hadn't known the kind of person Nisha  was? Arnab  must have seen it as a betrayal. A double one at that. She was so angry at them. How dare they hurt Arnab 's trust like that? Were they in an affair? Was that why Nisha had called it quits with Arnab ?"Were they in an affair?" Mowri  asked haltingly not sure if she should ask right now."I think it started after we separated before the divorce," he said and took in a deep breath, "but I can't say for sure. And her being with another man didn't matter because she had killed anything I had ever felt for her a long time ago. What hurt was she had chosen my best friend to get back at me and he despite knowing everything betrayed my trust," he said and then fell silent.Mowri 's foot was killing her but the pain she felt in her foot was nothing in comparison to the pain she felt for him. How could anybody reduce another human being to such a state where he lived in self-inflicted guilt and remorse? She failed to understand the insensitivity of people. And they had the gall to call themselves human. Evolved? Mowri  scoffed at the idea. Simrit, Varun, Nisha , Nihal , they were all the same and they weren't the only ones. There were many more out there. How could no one see what a beautiful person Arnab  was? How could Nisha  never realize what a gem she had in her clasp and she had like a fool let him go? Because she was so self-absorbed she couldn't see anybody beyond herself answered a tiny voice.But why had Arnab  suddenly opened up about his past? Was there a reason? There had to be."Why did you tell me all this today?" she asked."To prepare you," he answered quietly."For what?" she asked confused."Nihal  Raheja is being transferred here," he said emotionlessly, "and most probably his current wife would accompany him. There is a party on Saturday where they might be present and we have to be in attendance," he told her.Was this some kind of joke? Mowri  was stunned. Why was life so cruel? Why to him? She didn't mind meeting the two. She had a few things to tell them. A few home truths and she wasn't shy of doing so but him. He was a different person. He would never let his true feelings known. How he must have felt when he must have found out about this? No wonder he had flipped last evening. This was what Harpreet must have told him. He must have been reliving his past since yesterday. She knew he needed her right now. He needed her to understand and since he probably wasn't in the state to rationalize she was. She held onto his wrist and pulled her behind him as she hobbled back inside and he just followed. He didn't resist. Once inside she went straight to the living room and flopped on the sofa. He sat next to her.And then Mowri  turned and hugged him tightly. He didn't immediately lock his arms around her but she didn't think too much about it. Slowly very slowly she felt his arms move and then tighten its hold."They don't deserve this Arnab ," she said as she stroked his hair gently. "I understand what happened and I also understand how you felt what I don't understand is your guilt," she said softly. "You are not responsible for other people's behavior. You cannot take blame for how they act. Nor can you punish yourself for being in love," she said trying to make him understand, "you loved her. And I am sure the kind of man you are you must have loved her very much. Hell, all you wanted was to spend your life with her and that is no crime. You did not commit a mistake so stop thinking like that. I cannot say I understand how you felt when she broke your heart because...because I have never loved someone and lost him. But I understand betrayal, breaking of trust and how much pain it causes especially if done by people close to you. Why you couldn't talk to anybody? Why you closed up on the people closest to you? I recognize all of that because I know," she said even as tears slipped through her eyes. She knew because it was something she had done too. The only difference in her case she had been angry and in his he was repentant. "And I am not blaming you for one single thing because I can't," she said and lifted her face from where she had been resting it against his shoulders and it broke her heart to see tears in his eyes. She was angry at the people who were responsible for them. She cupped his face in her hands and made him look into her eyes. "I believe you Arnab  Malhotra and I believe in the person that is you. Your past doesn't matter to me because had it mattered I would have said no a long time ago. Let go of this amassed guilt you have collected over the years because most of it is misplaced," she said."How can I not blame myself Mowri ?" Arnab  said tiredly. "I could have made the right choices but I didn't. I could have put my foot down and said no to Nisha 's antics but I didn't," he said, "who else is there to blame?" he asked."Okay, let me tell you something," Mowri  said strongly as she clasped his hands in hers, "first stop this defeated attitude of yours. I didn't marry a weakling I married a stronger person who stood by me every single time like a solid rock. Unwavering in his faith in me. So believe in that. Second you never know a person completely till you start living with him or her. No matter how many years you might have known them. Because every time you met you put your best foot forward. And to pretend to be someone you are not is easy especially to those who have been practicing the art for a long time. Nisha , Simrit and a lot of others have been doing this for years so it comes naturally to them. There is only so much you can judge till you experience living with them. And Nisha 's shallow and frivolous nature is not your fault. Just as Simrit's nature is not my fault. They are born with that kind of nature and under constant and steady care they turn into these creatures. You were right when you called Nisha  a creature because that is what she probably is. They are beyond being human so that is an apt name," she said convincingly, "and history is full of creatures like them. Women who could never see beyond their immediate selves. What they never understood was that beauty is here today gone tomorrow. Nisha  is material without any matter. You should find peace in the fact that she left you pretty early had you spent more time with her you would have crumbled. Because you are not that kind of person. You are caring and giving Arnab  so don't let her win. This is what she wanted you to believe and by dousing yourself in misplaced guilt you are letting her win," she said and paused to take a breath."Why me? Though I know our lifestyle is very different from a normal civilian's. The pressures of losing someone you love are tremendous and they do take a toll, the loneliness, life away from things you are familiar with people you are close to and the constant change of places can make one restless and angry. And it could have happened to Nisha  but she had known all of that before she said yes to me. What had she thought that we just party and don't work? Why couldn't she have thought about if this life was suitable for her or not? Why destroy someone's trust because you just got bored," Arnab  said angrily. He understood what she said, every word that came from her mouth was true. He knew it too somewhere deep within himself and yet he couldn't let go. "Mowri , all I had wanted was to be happy to keep her happy then why did she take away my best friend too? Who or what gives them the right to do something like this?" he asked."Arnab , your friend was not a little child to be misled okay," Mowri  said angrily, "he was old enough to know what he was doing. And how do you know he didn't want to betray you? He was fully conscious of what he was doing so don't absolve him of his acts okay," she told him firmly. "I am not absolving him of anything," Arnab  said as he tried to understand the motivation behind what Nihal  did. "I knew him from school days Mowri . We went to the NDA together. That is where we had met Harpreet and before we had known it we were the best of friends. He was always quite famous with the ladies," Arnab  said as he remembered how he and Harpreet used to tease him about it. They had been such good times. "He was a rake never steady with one girl for long. And he was handsome too. Very charming. He had always known what to say and how. But he was a loyal friend too. I had never doubted his sincerity towards our friendship. Hell, there were times when he even faced flank because of something I had done or even Harpreet. And always with a smile. He was not much different from Jay," he said, "and he knew what I had been going through too. He was the only one I confided in and despite that..." he said and left it at that.Mowri  didn't know what to say. From what Arnab  had told her it seemed they had been thick as friends and yet."Did you never ask him?" she said and then before he even answered she knew he hadn't."No," Arnab  replied, "when Nisha  left I was in the hospital for about a month and she had filedfor divorce almost immediately. We had to wait for a time frame before we were granted divorce. I didn't see her, I didn't want to see her anymore. I did meet Nihal  a couple of times then and then he just stopped coming," he said reflectively, "it wasn't his fault. I wasn't civil to anybody for the first few weeks not even to my parents but they understood I was hurting. I was ashamed of what I had made of my life, what I had reduced myself to. So they gave me my space and ignored me most of the time. I am not proud of what I did or how I reacted but I couldn't control the anger and the emotions that seemed to threaten to topple me over completely," he said with a sigh, "the day we got divorced it was as if a huge burden had fallen on my shoulders. Every hope that she could change and return died that day and then two months later I found she had married Nihal . There were talks about them being in an affair a long time before things fell apart for us but I knew that wasn't true. I knew Nihal  that much. But their marriage was like a double betrayal. I couldn't have cared less if she had married a donkey but that soon and to the person who was so close to me. I just didn't get it. It was as if she never had one honest feeling for me. That all she had said and done was a sham. I never saw or met Nihal  after that. The last I had known was he had voluntarily taken a transfer to Delhi and that Nisha  had been doing a stint with modelling there and that was it. I cut off all ties with the two and now suddenly out of the blue their names, after so long has disturbed me again," he said and frowned.Why had it disturbed him? He looked for an answer and didn't find any. Now that he had talked about it to Mowri  it seemed it didn't even matter. He was sure if he was to meet them on Saturday he would have no feelings whatsoever. He was fine. He felt fine in countless months. Maybe he had healed, moved on, gotten over whatever had happened but in his own mind had refused to acknowledge it."To tell you the truth Mowri ," he said as he pondered over his new realizations, "I don't think it matters anymore," he said and looked directly in her eyes. "I don't know why I feel like this. I am not sure but suddenly it has dawned on me that I don't regret not having them in my life anymore. As if I am content," he said with his brows furrowed, "I don't know if you understand," he said.But Mowri  did. Why had it taken her so long to get over her hurt was because she had to deal with the people involved every day. Even after she had left for Delhi she had to keep in touch with them, listen to them, come for occasions and festivals and so she was reminded of what they had done time and time again. With him it had been different. Once he had been divorced she had moved out of his life. Though her presence had lingered only in memories. And after she had married Nihal  that chapter had had a final closure to it. There was no hope, no dream, no ambiguity about her return and so Arnab  had moved on. But he had nursed the guilt. He had wondered what his life would have been had he not met her? The whats and the whys had remained unanswered and that was the core of his problem. And since he didn't talk about it with anybody he had kept the scars to himself. Now that he had talked about it, he had listened to himself while doing so he realized that their being in his life or not didn't matter much. The sudden mention of their names must have rattled him for a bit but now that he saw things more rationally with the emotions all out he could visualize how unimportant they had become over a period of time."You know what Arnab ," Mowri  said as she smiled, "I do understand," and when he looked quizzically at her she explained, "we are very similar in our approaches even though our temperaments are totally different. We are rational people, you and me. Emotions always seem to clog our thought process and that is what happened in both our cases. We both nursed our respective hurts and anger and thought we couldn't get over it making it a permanent scar on our souls. But that is not the case. You never realized but when Nisha  got married to Nihal  she closed the chapter where you had been a part of her life and moved ahead but whether she did it out of spite or because she liked him, doesn't matter she opened the door for you to have another life too. And you did. You just didn't know it. Time healed you already that is why though their sudden appearance again stirred old memories and hurt, you don't feel it is of that much importance anymore," she said and smiled at him.Arnab  didn't know what to make of her. What good had he done to have married this wonderful girl? He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close as he cherished this moment in silence. He had worried she wouldn't understand. He had been such an idiot. She was right. He wasn't to be blamed for everything. Some things yes. And it had been so long ago why was he still punishing himself over this?"Sorry," he said quietly now that the storm that had raged inside him passed."For what?" she asked confused. "For not trusting you to understand," he said, "I wasn't sure if you would or would you see what a fool I had been," he told her.Mowri  didn't say anything. She just smiled."And for your foot," he told her, "it must have killed you to stand there with me for as long as you did and then drag me inside with you," he said and she looked up to peer into his face. He was back to being the Arnab  she knew. The Arnab  she loved."I didn't drag you," she said and made a face."Didn't you?" he asked but he wasn't looking for an answer to that one and she didn't give him one because her stomach grumbled and he heard it."Hungry?" he asked with a smile and Mowri  groaned with embarrassment and Arnab  laughed.He rose and left for the kitchen telling her it was a good thing Jassi had made a lot of food. Mowri  smiled as she heard Arnab  taking the containers out and heat the food. She thought about everything that had just taken place in the past couple of hours and realized that the last hurdle of Arnab 's past had been crossed with not many injuries. And she sighed with relief. Now only if this could have ended on a kiss she thought wistfully. But that was okay they would be there soon.What worried her was this party on Saturday. Though Arnab  had said their presence didn't matter anymore and she hoped he was right about that she had a strange feeling it wasn't going to be that easy. The thought of them being there may not matter but what would happen when they came face to face. If they came face to face. How would she react? And what would she do when she actually met the couple? She chewed her lip as she thought about it. She just hoped Arnab  felt just as confident as he was feeling now and if they tried to take it away again she would kill them. Not literally but she wasn't averse to using her claws even now.***********