Chapter 74: chapter 74

Arnab  needed a breather. He was feeling suffocated breathing the tension in the room. The emotions rising like a tidal wave inside him were choking him. He felt strangulated. Asking Harpreet and Jassi to take care of Mowri , not that she needed any she was perfectly capable of handling her fort but because of her foot she couldn't be more mobile he had stepped out onto the terrace. He had thought it wouldn't matter. That seeing Nihal  and Nisha  again didn't matter but there was so much that had been unsaid and left hanging in between that even though he tried he couldn't clamp down on the memories. And they weren't nice either. It wasn't easy to pretend to be normal in such circumstances and though he was trying really hard he was sure he was probably failing miserably at it. And then the whispers. People were talking after all they didn't have anything to do. What had been the most surprising of all things that had taken place so far was the way Mowri  had held herself. She had been calm and smiling but her tongue. She hated them and she didn't make any bones about letting them know of the fact though he knew she was exerting tremendous control on herself too and he couldn't fault with her. That made him smile. She had already warned them off, to heed or to not heed was their decision. He was amazed at how affronted she felt on his behalf. How angry. She was a loyal woman if anything. He was so lost in his thoughts he never heard the door open and close behind him but he did turn at the unexpected voice."Arnab ," Nihal  said quietly and at that Arnab  turned to see Nihal  walk towards him with his hands in his trouser pockets.What did he want? Arnab  wasn't sure so he straightened to his full height and squared his shoulders for whatever Nihal  was here to say. He wasn't the least bit interested but he wasn't taught to be impolite so he waited and hoped he would be able to keep his calm which he was nowhere near feeling.Nihal  had seen Arnab  say something in Harpreet's ears and then at the other man's nod left for the door to the terrace outside and he had excused himself then followed him. This was probably the only time he would be able to talk to Arnab  and with that intention he had come here."Is there something you wanted?" Arnab  asked keeping his tone polite.Nihal  smiled. Trust Arnab  to respect perfect behavior codes. He had never seen Arnab  lose it completely no matter how angry he was except for the time he had been in the hospital. Even then he had been justified in his anger. And he knew that his once best friend was not feeling completely normal as of now but he wouldn't let that overtake his reasoning. He hadn't changed in that respect at least."There is something I have wanted to say to you for a long time Arnab ," he said despondently, "only first I could never find the heart and then the courage," he said as he looked at his friend.Arnab  had a completely bored look on his face but that didn't fool Nihal . He did know the man well. Or maybe he had. The pain he saw in Arnab 's eyes as he struggled to keep his emotions at bay shamed him to the core. He was part responsible for it. What man could endure a divorce from the girl he had loved so much and then the news of her remarriage to his best friend flat in two months after it? In one stroke he had lost his love and his trusted friend. Nihal  couldn't even imagine how much betrayed Arnab  must have felt. And that was the biggest reason he hadn't been able to face him sooner. Arnab  had been a lost case after Nisha  had left him. The couple of times Nihal  had visited him in the hospital he had realized how deep his wounds were and not just the physical ones the emotional ones. He had been bitter and angry, uncommunicative. He had refused to meet everyone and then those who had braved his temper he had refused to be civil with them. Not that Nihal  could have blamed him. But then he had become selfish. He hadn't wanted to break Arnab 's trust but he had been helpless. But the guilt had become too much to carry around anymore."I can't remember one single thing that you have to say to me or vice versa," Arnab  said and started to walk away towards the door to go inside."Hear me out once," Nihal  said almost pleading, "for old times' sake," he said.Arnab  paused. Every instinct he possessed was telling him to walk away. He didn't need any more lies or excuses or confessions. He was done. They had all moved forward. He should go back inside and check on Mowri . She was going through this with him too. At least with her he felt at peace. But he stopped. A certain part of him reluctant to ignore the other man's words. He would definitely call himself some choice names later but for now he would listen to what Nihal  had to say. Maybe that would close this chapter for him permanently though he had no idea what Nihal  could say that would ease the pain he had felt all those years ago."Thanks," Nihal  said as he saw Arnab  stop and stand erect. He wasn't looking at him but he was listening and maybe it was better this way Nihal  decided. "I know how you felt Arnab ..." Nihal  started but before he could say anything further Arnab  stopped him with his corrosive laugh and Nihal  realized they were wrong choice of words."I don't think so," Arnab  said with derision in his voice, "even if you went through something like that you could never 'know' how I felt," he told him firmly, "and if this is some sympathetic speech you have prepared I will consider it read," he said."Sorry, that didn't come out right," Nihal  said hurriedly, "but...I hid something from you Arnab ," he said as he closed his eyes to get a grip on himself, "I know I shouldn't have, I had never hidden anything from you before but I couldn't tell you not after I found out how you truly felt about Nisha ," he said opening the channel for that particular memory.Arnab  looked at Nihal  with a frown. What the hell was he talking about? By God if this was another of his deceits he would slap the man consequences be damned."What the hell are you talking about?" he asked dangerously.Nihal  heard the warning but he had to get this off his chest."Remember the day we went to Roli's party where we had met Nisha  for the first time," he said bravely, "I was seeing another girl then but the moment I saw Nisha  I had been in love with her," he said. Finally. It had been eating him for so long, finally he had said it. He looked at Arnab  to see how he was faring at his declaration and it seemed he wasn't doing well at all. His eyes looked incredulous at his words."What the..." Arnab  started furiously when Nihal  indicated him to stop."Hear me out," Nihal  said, "this has been eating me ever since. You fell in love with her too. And where it was always the case with me for you that had been the first time and when you told me how you felt I kept quiet. Because I told myself it was mere attraction and that with time it would wear off just like with others but for you it was serious and Nisha  seemed to favor you too only this time round I had taken the hit seriously. The more the two of you got close the more I realized it was for real for me too. And then you got married and I told myself to get over it seeing her so happy, you so over the moon I kept my feelings contained thinking one day I would get over it. And maybe I did or maybe I didn't because soon I started seeing the cracks in your picture perfect life. Nisha  became restless, you became distanced and things started falling apart for the two of you. You confided in me about your problems and I kept listening doing my duty as a good friend. But I never intervened. The feelings I had thought I was over returned with full force. Soon it seemed you were the one more at fault. The way I felt about Nisha  slowly blinded me to your pain, your friendship, my loyalty soon got divided and the gap...the gap took me towards Nisha ," he said as he shook his head. "When I heard you were getting divorced I couldn't contain myself. I knew you needed me the most in that hour but I had become too selfish to think of anyone but me," he said as if he loathed what he had done, the man he had become. "I know suddenly hearing all this for you is probably too much but I couldn't keep this to myself anymore," he said tiredly, "I am sorry Arnab  for not being the friend I should have, I am sorry for breaking your trust the way I did but I was helpless," he said on a tortured note.Arnab  was stunned. He didn't know what to say his mind numb. Nihal  had loved Nisha  even before she had married him. And he had never once mentioned this. He said he had been a good friend listening to his problems but never offering solutions. It sounded more like he had wanted them to separate and when they did he couldn't wait to claim the prize of his victory hence the quick marriage. Was that what a good friend does? He knew that was not what Nihal  meant or did but hell it sounded so much like he had deliberately not done anything to help him save his first marriage. Arnab  was angry."Helpless?" Arnab  spat the word as he turned to face Nihal , "You were my best friend. The least you could have done was tell me to my face all those years ago, it would have hurt but it would have hurt less than what you actually did. You think you were a good friend to me, don't stand here and try and excuse your actions Nihal . If that is what 'good friends' do then I am happy you are not in that category anymore," he said and saw Nihal  wince. "You have some nerve, I have to give you that, to think all these years later coming here and saying sorry would absolve you of everything. Is that what you think?" Arnab  asked angrily. "You think this would make me feel all better somehow. Falling in love wasn't a crime Nihal , breaking my trust was. Not once did you come to see how I was doing? Whether I was alive or dead? Not once," he said fuming, "and now you want to get forgiveness so you could feel better because you have felt wretched for doing what you did. Because you have carried this ginormous guilt inside you," he said as if disgusted and saw Nihal  cringe. At least the man had the decency to look ashamed. "Everyone kept saying you two were having an affair even before we separated and I refused to believe any of it, do you know why?" he said harshly and then without waiting for an answer he went on, "Because I trusted you. I trusted you to do the right thing. I kept telling everyone you would never betray me that way but betray me you did," he said stressing on every word, "how could you not tell me you were in love with her? Why? I kept telling you our marriage was failing and you kept quiet. So you could claim her for your own later when everything got over?" he asked and saw Nihal 's head shake in denial. "What am I to believe? Who am I to believe? You think your confession now is going to make me feel better," he asked, "it is going to make me feel worse. You should have kept the details to yourself Nihal ," Arnab  said trying to reign in how he felt now. "You should not have opened the gates to the past again," he said shaking his head in frustration."I am sorry Arnab ," Nihal  said with nothing else to offer. Unconsciously to get over his guilt he had hurt Arnab  again. "Believe me, I was helpless, I loved her too you know," he said pleading with him to believe."You were not helpless Nihal , you were selfish," Arnab  said tiredly, "had you been my friend you wouldn't have left me hanging there wondering what the hell went wrong. You would have owned up maybe I could have still trusted you but now," he said as he raked a hand through his head, "I had thought I had made a mistake in judging Nisha  and I blamed myself for the mess my life had become but now I have to live with two mistakes. One for not judging her for who she really was and two for not judging you for who you were," he said and turned around to go back. He was so ready to leave. And it was better that they left before any more unpleasant conversations or secrets came up."But we have all moved on," Nihal  protested."Have we?" Arnab  said and turned training hisgaze on the man who stood there unsure. "Then why are we having this conversation? Why are you here asking for forgiveness and understanding, pleading your case?" he asked in a deadly voice which indicated he was done with Nihal . "Had you told me I don't know what I would have done at that time but I know for sure I would have forgiven you eventually hell, maybe I would have wished you all the best for your life too but now I am not very sure I even want to see you again," he said bitterly. "You are nothing but a selfish, deceiving, lying ****," he said scathingly, "and pardon me for the last word but I meant every thing I just said," he told him.Nihal  stared at Arnab . How had he thought talking to Arnab  would make things okay? It was as if he had reopened the old wounds. He had hurt him more than he had ever done before. He wondered how things had gotten this bad between them. And he knew he had no one to blame but himself. The disgust, the hurt he saw on Arnab 's face told him he would never get any forgiveness from this man he had once called friend."How dare you speak to my husband like that?" an angry and shrilly voice sounded from behind them and they both turned to see the angry woman come towards them.Nihal  was shocked and Arnab  was ready to groan. It seemed this night had more fireworks in store before it finally allowed him escape. He braced himself for the oncoming onslaught of words that were no doubt going to be hurled at him. Because despite all his bad judgment he did know Nisha  very well.*********