Chapter 78: chapter 78

Mowri  just sat there unable to move. Stunned disbelief made any movement impossible for now. What the hell was he talking about? She should leave? Why? To where? Was it temporary or permanent? And why the hell should she go anywhere anyway. But even as she tried to comprehend the meaning her brain and heart refused to believe he had even said that. Maybe she had heard it wrong. Maybe he had meant something else. She tried to say something but words didn't form. Her mouth opened and closed rapidly. Was he this angry over what she had said to Nisha ? Or was he angry she didn't stop when he had asked her to? Which was it? And as the numbness his words had warranted started to wear off she found her brain suddenly forming coherent thoughts and words flowed out easily."What are you talking about?" Mowri  asked urgently as she sat on the edge of the couch."I think it was a bad decision to get married Mowri ," Arnab  said slowly, he still had his back to her, "I think you should leave," he told her."I heard the last part before," Mowri  said edgily, "what I want to know is do you think getting married to me was a bad decision because I refuse to take nonsense sitting down or was the whole idea a bad decision?" she asked.She was angry now. Was he a fool? She couldn't believe that. She had rarely misjudged someone and from all her experiences she knew he was a strong man, rational too so what had happened to make him think this way."There is nothing wrong with you Mowri ," Arnab  said trying to get her to see things his way and so he turned and Mowri  sat there staring at him. He looked as if he was tortured. "It is all me," he said, "I should never have let mom blackmail me into getting married again. I should have known I would never be able to give my all to another girl," he said as if unhappy with himself and Mowri  narrowed her eyes, "I should have known my past had left me too scarred to give happiness to another," he said tiredly."Are you making this up?" she said as she rose from the couch unable to sit anymore. "What is wrong with you?" she asked. "Arnab  you are stronger than this and I know it, I have seen it, I have experienced it. Why are you letting your past cloud your judgment? Why are you letting her win? This was what she wanted. To make you miserable. For you to stay unhappy all your life. Can't you see? And who said you aren't capable of giving any kind of happiness to anyone? You are the best thing that happened to me," she said earnestly, "and I am serious Arnab . You know I have never been dishonest about anything and I am telling you please believe me, you are a great human being. Very few people have the ability to accept the other without trying to change them. You accepted me for who I was. A shrew, they said and you still you believed in me. That calls for strength. You gave me freedom to make my own decisions, the will to choose, to be my own person. It was you, all you. I never had to ask for anything because you thought of my needs and my wants even before you thought of yours. It has been over a month to our marriage and we have only strengthened our relationship slowly, steadily. Not once did you break your promise. Had it been any other man he would have been tired of just giving and not receiving much in this relationship. But not you," she said trying to get him to see reason. She understood where he was coming from. She knew Nisha 's callously said words had hurt him again. The wounds that had started fading from his consciousness were brought back into focus. And he was not seeing straight."Out there on the terrace every word I said was true. You are a treasure I intend to keep with me for a long time Arnab . Trust yourself Arnab , believe in who you are and if not then believe me as you have always done. Trust me on this, you will feel differently in the morning. I understand you seeing Nisha  again, meeting with Nihal  tonight and all that they have said has made you believe you are nothing but an empty shell but I know you are not. And I am not the only one. There are others too. Jassi, Harpreet, Jay, ma, dad, beeji, your friends and colleagues here. Ask any of them and they will tell you the same," she said fervently fighting her case, "rest now Arnab , we will talk about this later," she said quietly.Arnab  wanted to believe everything she had said, so badly he almost leapt at her offer to talk later. He knew she was right too. And yet. Yet he was unable to let go. Unable to agree."I don't think you understand Mowri ," he said and saw her frown, "it is not that simple. I had thought the same but I thought wrong," he said shaking his head at what he was doing, "you deserve more. You are a passionate, strong, beautiful woman Mowri  why waste your life with someone like me," he told her and saw her anger flare. She looked so beautiful when she was all riled up. "This is how it is always going to be. I am incapable of loving again," he said."Are you mad?" she said deciding to change her tactics a bit and see if that would fetch her any results, "I get to decide what I do with my life. So if I want to waste it well, it should me my decision. Two if this is about what I told Nisha  about me being in love with you then I am not asking you to love me back. I knew the chance I was taking when I had married you. I am no fool so don't think otherwise. I do love you, and they are not mere words, neither did I use them casually earlier. I know how I feel and what I want from this relationship. You are not a loser so stop acting like one," she said firmly and watched with satisfaction as he looked at her surprised. She had zeroed in on the problem here. "And neither are you a broken shell. Had you been you would never have helped me? Had you been a loser you would never have stood up for me the way you did. So stop believing that nonsense your ex fed you this evening. You have the abilities, only your mind is clouded right now with emotions you are unable to sort out. For a man who was so worried over a small sprain I had that he went on a guilt trip you sure are acting a fool right now," she said and crossed her arms hoping this would work.She watched him keenly as she saw the wheels turn in that brain of his and she hoped he would accept her words and then just be himself but even as she saw a little ray she also saw it dashed the very next instant."And you are ready to live your life just like that?" he said angrily. "Without any expectations from me?" he said and all she did was shrug. He smiled cynically and Mowri  knew she was losing the battle, "They are brave words and I have heard braver ones sweetheart," he said coldly, "and then seen people crumble under the weight. You would too. After some time this one sided love would take a toll, you will start feeling choked, things will start getting to you. How long will you be able to take it? How long will you be able to survive? One year, two, three?" he asked and Mowri  knew he was doing this deliberately."Is that what happened to you?" she asked angrily.And at the hurt she saw in his eyes she regretted giving into her temper. She kicked herself mentally but she couldn't take his defeatist attitude anymore. She liked the confident, self-assured Arnab  she knew not this stranger she couldn't make any sense of. Although she knew it was only a moment of irrational behavior on his part. He hadn't expected his meeting with Nisha  to be this bad or even for Nihal  to reopen the old wounds. He had been hoping for a closure to his past not a revisit. Her heart went out to him. He was confused, again. And he was only human. Hadn't she felt lost when Simrit had spoken to her in hatred that day? Then how was it wrong if he felt the same. He was back to where he had started four years ago and once again he was blaming himself. Feeling unsure of his decisions, his feelings. He did not regret marrying her and she knew it just as she knew herself but he was unable to get out of the self-made trap. What else could she call it? But to send her away, to ask her to leave was something she just couldn't take. He could scream at her, fight with her, argue or even give her the silent treatment she didn't mind. They were just ways to vent out. He needed her more than he thought."That is not important," he said quietly."Then what is," she asked agitatedly. Her foot was ready to give her hell for a month at least if she kept up the pressure on it but she could survive that how will she survive if he really made her leave. "I promise I will not hold you responsible for anything. You will never regret it Arnab . Listen to me, don't do this. Don't throw away our marriage this way. You say you will never be able to love me but I know you are lying," she said as emotions surged. She was ready to cry if that would make this idiot of a man see what a mess he was making of things. It hurt her to see him like this. "You care, how can you care for me the way you do if you don't love me already?" she said and saw him shake his head in denial. That was it he was in denial of everything right now.Arnab  knew he was being foolish to let the best thing he had had in a long time leave him and go away but he didn't trust himself anymore. It was for the best. The best for her. He saw how plain her emotions were. That she deeply cared for him. But he was what he was? Or was he? He couldn't think anymore. He couldn't decide anymore. And so he gave her a blank look and knew she understood he wasn't ready to change his decision anytime soon.Sometimes to find light one had to travel through the dark. The question was will Arnab  be able to find the light or would he get lost in the darkness of his own making?************