I'm dead inside
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Rachel POV
I wish I had a home to run back to when I was heart broken. I wish my moms would make me a cup of hot cocoa and tell me "I told you so" when I cry my heart out in their chest as they croon me. Those are so much better than drinking, no, gulping cold and cheap wines alone, in my own house.
I fly back to D.C with a commercial flight. Dolores gave a me call to informed me that the President will be flying back via military flight. Well, at least, Gavinski fulfilled my request. I won't have to see Derek and his wife.
I shut my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and whatever social media source that would show Derek's face. I realized I was a psycho stalker for following Derek like a hardcore fan.
It has been two days since I left his beach house with an Uber. How pathetic was I? At least a limousine is cooler than a Prius. Besides the media stirring scandal, both real and made up stories, the White House never step out to give any comments to the press. I can see the news is beginning to die down a bit since Grace and Derek act so normal like usual. They didn't appear to be more intimate or desperately trying to show they are OK. They just walk together like usual.
The reason why I watched the news a little, is to know if the media has found out about me. At least I have the chance to plan my escape route when they do. But, see what happens to Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, she was caught, unnoticed. And they broke up when Hugh Grant is nowhere at fault. It's not as if it was his fault. I would have pour a glass of wine for him and tell him, "I feel ya, bro" if I was there.
I slept in the side of the bed where Derek slept. I miss him. Although I am prepared to severe all ties with him. But part of me still drools over the thought that he might came knocking at my door and ask for forgiveness.
I held the Superman socks that arrived at my footsteps earlier, tears streamed down my cheeks. I wanted to give this to him after we come back from Long Island. Who knows, that's the funeral of our affair.
I think about him all the time. Ever since the Air Force One. He has been living in my thought since then. Its hard to stop this autopiloting. Every second, He shows up, whether he has texted me, or whether he has taken his meal. Whatever that I can think about, it's related to him.
It was very tempting to blast Celine Dion's All By Myself to celebrate my break up, but then, it's going to make my mood worst, but then the silent in this house haunts me. I played Beethoven's collection eventually. Although I don't appreciate baroque music, but it kept the ambient in this house a little more neutral.
Maybe it's time I have a short break from work. I need a vacay. People with broken hearts needs a vacay. That's what paycheck is for single ladies; curing your heartbreak.
---
I showed up in my office the next morning with tons of concealer around my eyes and a big nerdy glasses, ripped jeans, white lose shirt and a baseball cap. To get a leave, I have to fill up a form to inform the office that I won't be flying after my next schedule to L.A. Well, I guess even God felt sorry for me, he gave me a free ride to L.A without having to buy a ticket.
I took the sheets of completed form and decides to hand it to the human resource personnel, as I made a turn, I bump onto something hard.
Not really hard, but its solid firm, made of flesh, and my favorite Givenchy Homme.
Derek! My mind shouts.
I peered with a nano second of hope, distinct adrenaline rush and I feel like my endorphins are at the starting line waiting to be release.
It's not Derek. It's not the President. It's not him.
'Seems like we get to bump into each other a lot in this office.' His deep soulful voice greeted me along with his charming wide smile that shows his perfect aligned teeth. He never smile that wide before and today, he just broke the world record.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to respond to his enthusiasm. But the personnels in the office seems to be affected by his grin more than me. The Asian lady at the counter were brushing her hair with her finger, judging from a woman's point of view, she is trying to get his attention.
'Captain Linton.' I force a smile. Not exactly force, I don't want to be so mean like a rebel high junior who is going through some teenage drama. I just didn't seems to be as lively as I remember I was.
I handed the papers to the Asian Lady, said thank you and headed out of the office. I heard Tony calling my name before I step out. I stood awkwardly at the glass door, while he signed some document that was passed to him.
'Can I ask you out for some coffee? I know a really good coffee shop around here.' He opens the door for me and I stepped out first.
God, no coffee. Coffee reminds me of him. I have hide all the digestive biscuits and coffee in my apartment, they were a painful memories.
'I don't really drink coffee.' I shrugged, giving him an apologetic smile.
'Okay, I don't wanna appear to be pushy, it's just that you look pale, that's all.' He replied, no offense were detected, and he was genuinely concern. 'Guess I'll see you around, Rachel.' He nodded and smile, preparing to head to the parking lot.
A pang of guilt hits me. I don't have to be so considerate all the time, but still, I felt guilty. 'I don't take coffee.' I voiced at him which made him halted his footsteps.
'Excuse me?' He notched up his thick eyebrows when he gawked at me.
'I don't drink coffee, there must be other drinks I can chose, right?' I rubbed my elbow and pursed my lips after that. I'm not sure if I am going to regret this decision afterwards.
'Of course.' His lips curled, and he is pretty surprised, he snigger a little and shake his head with disbelief. I never know one could be so open about their feeling with the other person. He really likes me. I'm already regretting this, I will never return his feeling. I still left my heart with Derek.
---
'Have you decide what to order?' Tony asked while both of us are browsing the menu. He brought me to another shop instead of the one with really good coffee. This shop specializes in cupcake. I hate cupcake.
But I can't tell him.
'Hmmm...I'll have a cup of peppermint tea.' I place the menu back on to the table once I'm done reading it.
'Cupcakes?' Tony ask, he is deciding which items he wants to order.
I contemplate for a while, should I be frank that I hated cupcakes? He might misunderstood that my dislike for cupcakes is an intentional excuse for me to reject his every offer. But, honestly, sweet stuff doesn't goes well with my tastebud.
'Any cupcake that taste salty?' I ask softly, in case the couple behind me thought I'm mad.
Tony chuckles, a loud hearty chuckle. I laugh along with him, until he decides to stop laughing. 'You're hilarious, Rachel.'
'I know, but I'm not joking.' I said discreetly again, forcing some uncomfortable laugh.
He stop laughing, raises his brow. He paused for a second, 'do you have diabetes? I'm so sorry, I don't-'
'No, I mean, I'm not, do I look like one?' My neck went slanted as I question him back. 'I just prefer salty food, that's all.'
'You don't have sweet tooth?'
I shakes my head apologetically, giving a rueful smile. Now I felt what Derek felt, he has been feeling guilty to me all the time.
'I must have failed miserable did I? I can't even impress you on a first date.' He smiled thinly.
'It's not your fault, Tony. The point is, when you reveal your intention of asking me for a date, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready because I'm seeing somebody. And today, I wasn't in the mood for anything because,' I paused, searching his face to see his reaction now, his eyes narrowed, he is listening, 'I broke up with my boyfriend. It's not your fault.' I fought hard to hold back my tears, because it's weird to cry in front of Tony, and this is a cupcake store, nobody is suppose to cry here, it's cupcake. It's suppose to make you happy.
But it felt good. I never told anybody about my break up. It's not that I have many friends to begin with, maybe I am a socially awkward weirdo. Flying too often, the closest friend I have is Dolores and Corbin. And there is actually a girl name Sarah.
'I'm sorry about your break up.' He leaned closer to the table, pushing a piece of serviette to me. I really appreciate that. 'Look, if you need to be alone, I can send you home or I can leave, I'm cool with that.'
I chuckles. He is funny and different from work, like he have two different personality. 'You don't have to disappear, and rule number one of self defense, never get inside the car.'
'How many rules have you broke? I might put something inside the cupcake, careful.' He teased.
'I almost killed somebody else with peanut butter. It was accident of course.' I shrugged. I have to stop talking about anything that connects with him, surely there must be something else I can talk about.
'I ate a live octopus and almost died from choking.'
'You have to chew them after you dip it in sesame oil.' I scoffed.
'Have you tried it?'
'I worked in a Korean restaurant when I was young, and thus. Annyeong Haseyo.' I does a little bow at him like a Korean.
'Jal Jinesseoyo?' He bowed at me as well. I went dumbfounded. I regretting starting the Hangul conversation, I look like a fool now. 'It means, how are you.' He explained.
'So, you are Korean. I managed to dig that out without much effort.' I snapped my fingers, feeling a little triumph.
'I'm flattered that you are at least curious about me. Rachel.' He smiles at me, and his brown eyes blend into mine. I'm stuck for a while until I decide to pull out of his gaze with beetroot cheeks.
'I'm pretty sure we are all curious about the people around us.' I look around except him.
'Then I am not sure why I am particularly curious about you, Rachel.' He place his chin on his wrist.
'If we are not going to order anything, we are probably going to be chased by the staff.' I tried to alter the subject. I don't want to deal with another relationship yet. Maybe a part of me is still waiting for Derek. I don't think that was a clean break. He said we shouldn't see each other for some time. It is not a clean break. I hate that I have to find excuse for him, or maybe, myself. Derek might have his perspective straight by now, he wants to Oval Office, not Rachel. Rachel is his obstacles.
'Who says we are staying anyway.' Tony pushes his chair back and stood up.
'Where are we going?' I asked, eyes wide with his sudden move.
'Wack some meat. You want salty food? I know a place where we can get good Korean Barbecue.'
'I have no idea that you do know a lot about food.'
'Of course, I need my weekly supply of Kimchi in Washington when my mother decides to stop supplying me when she went back to Seoul with my dad.' He gestured at the exit. 'Shall we?'
I thought a little. Fuck the rules, I'm dead inside, maybe some good Korean food can resuscitate me a little. I miss my Korean family back in L.A.
I stood, and headed for the exit while Tony follows behind me.